Could This Day Get Any Better?
Author: A.C. Harper
Characters: Kirk, Spock, et al.
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Humor
Summary: Kirk wakes up on the wrong side of the bed – What could go wrong?
Feedback: Acoleen2@aol.com
The full moon shone brightly on the warm summer beach. Softly undulating waves caressed the sand in their timeless rhythm. Ruth! …softly undulating…softly caressing… Oh, Ruth! Undulating (oh!)…caressing (Ruth!)…the tide, rising, rising…the waves, stronger, overwhelming. The pounding of the waves rose relentlessly in his ears until it could not be ignored. The waves rose and crashed around the two lovers, and Kirk found himself, with Ruth still in his arms, flung inexorably into the cold maw of a mounting storm. Under the violent water, Kirk felt conflicting currents tug at his body. His arms were numb; he could no longer feel Ruth. With every moment without air the ringing in his ears grew louder, and the wave carried him with unbending fury down, down, to be dashed against the rocks…
Kirk caught his breath and sat up with a start on the floor, bedclothes twisted around him. The intercom was buzzing insistently and he groped for it with one hand. “Kirk here. This better be good!”
Sulu stared blankly for a second (but only a second) at the disheveled, bleary-eyed face of his captain and the pillow he was still hugging fiercely. “Oh, it is, Sir. I mean…I wouldn’t say it is good, but, well, it is important, Sir, and you know we wouldn’t have bothered you for anything trivial, and this was so unusual we thought you should know in case…”
“What IS it, Sulu? What ARE you babbling about?” Kirk disengaged himself from the pillow. “Give it to me straight. I can take it.”
Sulu cleared his throat. “Well, Sir…”
“Oh hell!” Kirk slammed the pillow onto the bed. “I’m on my way.” He slid hurriedly into his pants and rumpled shirt worn the day before, sniffing critically. Oh well, no one would notice…
As the turbo-lift doors opened to deposit Kirk onto the bridge, Spock jumped out of the center seat to take up his customary position to the right of the chair.
“Thank you Mr. Spock.”
Spock’s nostrils flared involuntarily as Kirk passed by. “Musk, Captain?”
Kirk cast Spock a look that might have caused Hell to freeze, but had no effect on the Vulcan, who merely raised an eyebrow. Kirk settled into his chair and looked at the forward view screen, where a large, cloudy mass loomed imminently. “Status report, Mr. Spock,” he snapped. “What’s going on here?”
Spock faced the captain solemnly, hands folded behind his back, and took a deep breath. “A temporal space/time anomaly has converged, Captain, creating a distortion in the marginal Doppler shift patterns of a nearby gaseous energy mass, causing spatial gravitational pull of dynamic static proportions to occur exponentially within the time/space continuum, creating a spiral gradient at our present coordinates.”
“Huh?” Kirk stared blankly at his first officer.
“The Enterprise is stuck.”
“Stuck by what, Mr. Spock?”
“I believe I have already explained that; however…Mr. Chekov?”
The navigator, startled, looked up from the magazine he had been reading. “Sir?”
“Mr. Chekov. May I remind you we are on Yellow Alert. What is that you are reading?” Spock held out his hand.
Chekov reddened and looked guiltily from Spock to the captain and back, handing the magazine to Spock. As the Vulcan took it, the centerfold flipped out and his eyes widened considerably. “Fascinating!”
“Let me see that, Mr. Spock!” Kirk reached for the magazine, and Spock handed it over.
“As I was about to say, Captain,” Spock intoned, “Perhaps Mr. Chekov would explain our present situation to your satisfaction.”
Kirk was still looking at the magazine. “Hmm?”
“Captain.” Spock was starting to sound exasperated.
Kirk looked up. “Oh yes, of course.” He tucked the magazine under his chair cushion and turned toward Chekov. “Mr. Chekov, please explain the phenomenon.”
“Aye, Sir. As I understand it, Keptin, the space/time flow of thees area of space has been deesrupted in such a vay as to cause deestortion in the spatial and elemental mass of a nebula, vhich ve vere approaching for research purposes. Thees deestortion has affected the gravitational pull of time as vell as space and ve are caught in its flux…”
The captain shook his head. I should never have gotten out of bed, he thought. “Which all means?”
“The Enterprise is stuck, Sir.” Chekov replied.
“Stuck, huh?” We’ll see about that, Kirk thought, as he punched the intercom button on the arm of his chair. “Mr. Scott!”
“Aye, Sir!”
“Give me full forward thrust! See if you can break us out of this with one massive burst!”
“Aye, Sir, I’ll try, but I dinna think it’ll work! We’re gettin’ a power drain down here that nothin’ can stop! If we dinna find a way to stop it, we’ll be dead in space in two hours! Dead in space!! If I gie ye the thrust ye want, Sir, that’ll cut the time down to ten minutes!”
“Understood, Mr. Scott.” Kirk rubbed his forehead. “Forget the massive thrust. Keep trying to stop that power drain.” He punched the arm of his chair and stood up. “Mr. Spock, come with me. We’re going to get answers now! Something has to be draining our power and we’re going to find out what it is!”
At that moment, as Kirk took a step toward the turbo-lift, the emergency lights came on and the Red Alert klaxon blared wildly. “Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert!” the computer warned loudly.
Kirk turned to Spock. “Where is it?”
“Captain,” Spock replied, “the inaccuracy of your phrasing leaves much to be desired. If I am to give you a correct analysis, I must know what ‘it’ is to which you refer. For instance, if we take…”
“Spock!!!”
The first officer eyed his captain inquiringly. Kirk’s face had turned a fascinating shade of red.
“Spock,” Kirk’s voice took on a strained quality, “you know very well what I mean. Where – is – the – intruder!”
An indignant lift of his brow betrayed the offended Vulcan. “Really, Captain. You might have said so in the first place.”
“Spock — PLEASE!!”
Spock cleared his throat. “According to my sensor scans, there seems to be an abnormal energy flux of extremely high magnitude in turbo shaft number one.”
Everyone looked at turbo shaft number one.
Red doors hissed open.
The two security guards on the bridge drew their phasers.
Everyone looked at turbo shaft number one.
Out walked Rand, carrying a tray with several cups of coffee. “Hi, everyone!” She said, with a cheery smile. “What’s up?”
A sigh of relief rippled around the bridge. The security guards lowered their phasers. Rand started distributing the coffee. Sulu was sneaking a hand under the cushion of the center seat.
Kirk and Spock still looked at turbo shaft number one.
Cautiously they approached the turbo-lift. In unison, they each leaned forward and peered inside, Kirk looking to the left and Spock to the right. Slowly they scanned the interior of the empty lift until they faced each other, practically nose to nose. The captain and first officer quickly withdrew their heads from the turbo-lift and stepped back. At that moment, a brilliant flash of light emanated from the open doors, momentarily blinding everyone in the room. And there, where the light had been, stood a man.
He was dressed in 15th century garb, complete with plumed hat, breastplate, cape and sword. Kirk thought he looked vaguely like pictures he had seen of Christopher Columbus.
“Who are you? What are you doing here?” Kirk demanded. His head hurt. He mentally willed Rand to get that coffee to him.
The security guards raised their phasers.
“Thou art notified that thy kind have infiltrated the galaxy too far already…Thou art directed to return to thine own solar system immediately!” the Columbus clone proclaimed arrogantly. Then, looking about himself, he suddenly gave the appearance of being vaguely confused, and his lips formed the word “oops!”
Another flash of light. He was gone.
The security guards lowered their phasers.
Kirk stared, bewildered, at the space where man had been. The turbo-lift doors closed and Janice shoved a cup of coffee into his hand. “Scotty – status!”
“Och, what’ve ya done, Captain? Th’ power drain just increased! We’ll be dead in space in one hour! Dead in space!” Was that a sob over the intercom? “Ma poor bairns…”
The captain of the Enterprise passed a weary hand across his eyes. “Spock…”
Spock was preoccupied. “The magazine, if you please, Mr. Sulu.”
It was Sulu’s turn to look embarrassed, as he was caught perusing the centerfold. He sheepishly gave it up to the waiting hands of the first officer, wondering as he did so what the men around him found so intriguing about the magazine; it certainly wasn’t to HIS taste.
“Mr. Spock!” Kirk’s voice grew insistent.
Spock put the magazine on his chair at the science station. “Yes, Captain?”
“Any ideas about this power drain? And, are we still ‘stuck’?”
Once again, the Vulcan first officer of the United Space Ship Enterprise turned and faced his captain, hands folded loosely behind his back, and took a deep breath.
Just then, the bridge shuddered under an apparent attack.
“Status!” Kirk shouted.
Everyone looked at their instruments in confusion. The bridge rocked with another assault.
Uhura had been busy monitoring transmissions, such as they were. She looked around the bridge for the “item,” and her eyes focused on Spock’s chair. Gingerly, she picked up the magazine, instantly knowing what she needed to do. “Janice!”
Rand was busy leaning against the bridge railing with one foot on the step, her hand trailing up her thigh, surreptitiously gazing at the captain.
Kirk pretended not to notice. There she goes again, he thought. Will she ever get a clue?
“Janice!”
The sound of Uhura’s voice brought Yeoman Rand back to reality. Janice lurched ungracefully over to the communication station as the bridge jolted under another onslaught.
“Status!” Kirk shouted again, more insistently.
Spock looked up from his scanner. “The gaseous anomaly that has been holding the ship in its gravitational field and causing the distortion of the space/time continuum which has created the spiral gradient seems to be emanating temporal waves of unusual magnitude.”
Kirk swore his headache was getting worse.
Uhura and Rand seemed to be urgently discussing something near the communications console. Janice grabbed the magazine from Uhura and flipped through it. “I think you’re right!”
“I know I’m right! Let’s go!”
Before the captain or the first officer could query what was going on, both Lieutenant Uhura and Yeoman Rand leapt for the turbo-lift, each holding a side of the magazine.
The lift doors whooshed open.
Without hesitation, the women heaved the magazine through the lift doors.
Flash of light…
The doors whooshed closed.
“Keptin! Look!”
Kirk turned his attention toward the view screen. The gaseous anomaly was dissipating. His chair beeped at him and Scotty’s voice came over the com. “Captain! Power readings are comin’ back ta normal! Th’ drain has stopped!”
“What happened, Spock?”
The Vulcan did not answer.
“Spock?…. Spock!”
Beyond the voice he could hear faint rhythmic beeping. Spock opened his eyes and immediately wanted to close them again. The first thing he saw was Dr. McCoy’s face bending over him and he remembered at once that he was in sickbay. “I had the most fascinating dream…”
Meanwhile, in the captain’s quarters, Kirk caught his breath and sat up with a start. The intercom was buzzing insistently and he groped for it with one hand. “Kirk here. This better be good!”
END