Star Trek and the Birthday Party

Untitled Document

Star Trek and the Birthday Party
By Brandon Dilbeck

Main Characters:
Picard, Kirk, LaForge, Worf, Data, Q, George Borg (a composite character), spacebutcher
(an original creation)

Captain Picard is invited to his birthday party, but he is surprised what happens
at the surprise party.

This should go on the Crossover page, but it’s mostly Next Generation characters.


Captain Picard was running excitedly through the Enterprise as fast as he could.
“Everybody, come here!” he yelled as he entered the bridge room.
“What is it?” asked LaForge.
“I received this letter from the president.”
“The U.S. president?” Kirk asked, spinning around in his Captain’s
Chair to face Picard. “Of earth?”
“No no,” Picard said, waving his hand. “The president of the
“The what?!” Data said. “Does not compute!”
“You remember the Borgs!” Picard said. “They tried to kill us.”
“Does not compute! Does not compute!”
“The Borgs are the robot guys who tried to steal the Enterprise when we
were at that rest stop on planet Smurgrolph.”
“Ooooooh,” Data said. “Computes, computes!”
“What exactly did the Borgs say?” Worf asked.
Picard read the letter out loud:

Dear Mr. Picard,
We are borgs!
We wish to communicate this message to you: Happy birthday. We wish to “celebrate”
your 150th birthday this Saturday.
Please meet us on planet Rejsadlyf.

“What was that last part?” Worf asked, pointing to the “BYOSB”.
“Oh,” Data said, “There’s something I know! ‘BYOSB’
stands for ‘Bring your own space beef’.”
“Great!” Picard said. “Now we have to go shopping for space
beef! LaForge, steer the Enterprise to the nearest SpaceSafeway.
“Okeydokey,” LaForge said. They found a good parking space right near
the front. They all got out of the Enterprise and walked to the beef section.
The spacebutcher asked, “What’ll ya have, pardners?”
“Cut us a big ol’ slab o’ space beef,” said Worf.
“All right, then!” the spacebutcher said. He cut them a big one.
“Okay, thanks,” Kirk said.
They took the tiny parcel of space beef back to the Enterprise.

“Okay, let’s go to planet Rejsadlyf!” Picard said.
“Okeydokey!” LaForge said.
“Oh,” Picard said. “I think you got the wrong impression. You
aren’t invited to my birthday party.
“Awww…” LaForge said.
“Neither are you,” Picard said, pointing in turn to each of the other
“Darn,” they all said.

Picard stepped out of the Enterprise and firmly planted his foot onto planet Rejsadlyf.
“I’m here!” he said encouragingly to himself.
“Have fun at your stupid barbeque,” Worf said.
“Oh, I will!” Picard said.
The Enterprise took off.

Picard went up and knocked on the Borgs’ door. “Hello?” he asked,
but there was no response. He looked in through the window. It was dark. “But
they invited me!” He looked in through the window to the right of the door
and knocked on it. “HELLO?” he yelled.
He walked to the window on the other side of the door. He noticed it was half
open. Hmmmmmmmmm, he thought to himself, I could probably “pry” the
window open and squeeze into the Borgs’ house.
Picard grabbed the bottom of the window and pushed up really hard. The window
was surprisingly weak and the entire pane of glass shattered. Glass fell onto
the windowsill and sprinkled into the carpet in the room. Picard carefully squeezed
through the window, taking care not to step on the shattered glass.
Picard took out his flashlight. “Hello?” he asked, shining the flashlight
on the walls. He was in a bedroom. He stepped out of the bedroom into the living
Suddenly, the lights flickered on and all the Borgs popped out from their hiding
places behind the couch and furniture. “Surprise! Happy birthday!”
they all yelped.
“Oh, you shouldn’t have!” Picard said, “but you already
told me you were planning me a party—it’s not much of a surprise.”
“How dare you question our birthday customs??” George the Borg said.
“Uh,” Picard mumbled.
“We’re gonna kill you!” Betty the Borg said.
“No, d-d-don’t!” Picard replied.
“Yes,” George Borg said. He pulled out a disrupter.
“Don’t shoot me!” Picard said. He touched his finger onto the
Communicator on his shirt. “Enterprise, Enterprise, come in!”
“Stupid Picard,” George Borg said, “Your communications devices
won’t work on this planet. Our atmosphere is far too polluted for any kind
of communiqué to pass through.”
“Drat,” Picard said.
All of the Borgs who just twenty seconds ago were thrilled to see him held each
of their disrupters at Picard.
“Don’t disrupt me!” Picard said.
Suddenly, the front door fell in with a thud.
“Star Trek Team is here to save the day once again!” Kirk, LaForge,
Worf, Data, Riker, Guynan, Spock, Counselor Troy, Dr. McCoy, Uhura, Captain Janeway,
Q, and Dr. Crusher entered the house.
“WE’RE HERE,” Q screamed to Picard.
“Great…I’d rather die,” Picard said.
“Drop your weapons!” said LaForge.
“No,” said all of the Borgs.
“Or else,” LaForge added.
“NO!” all of the Borgs repeated.
“If you don’t,” Worf said, “We’ll phase you! Everyone,”
he instructed everyone, “set your phasers to melt!”
They all switched their phasers, except for Q.
“On the count of three,” Worf said, “fire your phaser in every
Everyone aimed their phasers somewhere. Q aimed his straight down.
“Don’t you dare fire!” George Borg said.
“NEVER MIND I FIXED IT!” Q hollered.
Q changed his aim to Picard.
“Don’t!” Picard yelled.
“Just teasing!” Q said, and he changed Picard into a cute pink bunny.
“…Two and a half…”
George Borg dove through the air and snatched the pink bunny.
“Nobody fire or the pink bunny gets it!” George held his disrupter
at the side of the pink bunny’s head. The bunny looked very worried.
“Don’t!” Data yelled. “I express feelings for Picard.
He is the captain of the Enterprise.”
The bunny sat restlessly in George’s hands.
“Q!” Data said, “Use your powers to teleport all the Borgs to
somewhere else!”
“Okay,” Q said, “I’ll teleport them into Deep Space Nine.”
“That’ll work,” Worf said, “Hurry up and do it now.”
Q waved his hand at the Borgs and they all vanished. The pink bunny fell to the
ground with a soft thud.
“Change Picard back and let’s get the heck out of here!” Data
“No,” Q said, “I like him better this way.”
“I want cake,” Worf said.
“Hold on,” Kirk said, “We have to turn the cap’n back!”
“Q,” LaForge said, “If you don’t turn Picard back, we
won’t give you any cake!”
“Fine,” Q resigned. “I’ll turn him back into Picard.”
Q turned Picard back to normal, but dressed him in an embarrassing Victorian dress.
Picard blushed. “Well I never!”


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