If I Had Only Known

OK, for those of you confused about this, let me explain. I’m writing the
this dimension stuff, where B’Elanna died. Erin’s writing the other
dimension stuff, where Tom died. We’re each writing three chapters of our
part, and then we’re writing one final part together. Here’s my final
solo part!

First off, here’s the song that inspired this chapter!
IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN by Reba McEntire

If I had only known
It was our last walk in the rain
If I had only known
I’d never hear your voice again
I’d memorize each thing you ever said
And on those lonely nights
I could think of them once more
Keep your words alive inside my head
If I had only known
I’d never hear your voice again

You were the treasure in my hand
You were the one who always stood beside me
So unaware I foolishly believed
That you would always be there
But then there came a day
And I turned my head and you slipped away

If I had only known
It was my last night by your side
I’d pray a miracle would stop the dawn
And when you’d smile at me
I would look into your eyes
And make sure you know my love for you goes on and on
If I had only known
If I had only known
The love I would have showed
If I had only known

Now, the story!

They had eaten breakfast together that day. Neelix had tried to
make pancakes. Tom wanted to tell her everything he felt, but couldn’t
work up the nerve to. They sat, making fun of Neelix’s attempt at human
food, and joked with each other. Then, they had to go. Tom stayed with
her in the turbolift, and asked her to dinner that night. She agreed, and
left him with the words
“See you later, Tom.”
*See you later, Tom*
But she didn’t see him later. She never saw him again. He had seen her,
in a coma, laying on the biobed. Five days later, she died. They never
had dinner together, she never knew how he felt about her. Tom’s life
fell apart when B’Elanna’s life ended.
Ten months later, Tom’s life was still in shambles. He still hid out in
his quarters most of the time, and, lately, he’d begun talking to
B’Elanna. Each night, when he would return to his quarters, he would pick
up the picture of the two of them, which had a permanent place on his
nightstand, and he would tell her how his day was, the events that had
occured, and all the latest gossip. If only she could hear him…
“Don’t worry, he’ll come.” Kes told Harry reassuringly.
“How can you be so sure?” he asked her.
“He’s been getting out a lot lately. He’s come to the mess hall a few
times, and I even saw him on the holodeck yesterday.” Kes explained to
“I just wish he’d come to this. Last time we had a talent night, I had
him and B’Elanna there for me, cheering me on. Now, they’re both gone.”
he told her, his voice trailing off.
It was talent night. God, why did all the activities Neelix
picked out have to remind him so much of B’Elanna?
*Because you make them remind you of her* he told himself.
But he had to go. He had no choice. Harry was counting on him.
He walked into the mess hall, looking around for someone,
*She’s not going to be here, you idiot!*
But she should have been there. She should have been there with him. He
took a seat next to Captain Janeway in the first row.
“Tom, I’m glad you made it.” Janeway said to him with a smile.
He just returned the grin, and went back to his thoughts.
*B’Elanna should be here. She should be sitting right beside me. There’s
an empty seat. Why isn’t she here?* he asked himself. This was too much.
Here he was, surrounded by everyone he knew, but someone was missing.
B’Elanna wasn’t there. She would never be there.
He felt a tear run down his cheek, and looked around. No one
noticed him. He got up, and ran his hardest, out the doors, into the
turbolift, and in the safety of his own quarters. His quarters were the
only sanctuary he had now. Here, with his picture. The only window he had
to her.
“B’Elanna, I can’t do this. I can’t go on without you. You were my life.
I love you. Please, come back. I love you, I love you…” he told her
picture, as he collapsed onto his bed in hysterics.



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