Data Murders Wesley Crusher

“Wesley Crusher – on behalf of Starfleet, I want to thank you for your service as a boy genius on board the Enterprise,” Admiral MacIntyre gushed as thousands chanted Wesley’s name. “As a token of our appreciation, we hereby grant you this completely believable promotion to acting captain of the Enterprise.”

“Aw, gosh, you mean it?” Wesley giddily exclaimed as a big wet spot appeared in the crotch-area of the weird jumpsuit he was wearing (which was considered very stylish among 24th century teenagers).

“We sure do, Wesley!” Commander Riker smiled as he ruffled Wesley Crusher’s hair. “You know, I taught him everything he knows!”

The crowd laughed. That’s our Commander Riker!

“Captain Picard, even though you have decades of experience and are considered one of Starfleet’s greatest captains, I hereby grant you an honorary demotion to the rank of acting Captain’s Assistant. From this point forward, you will report directly to young Mr. Crusher,” the admiral continued.

“Why it’s about time!” The captain replied in an unusual jovial display.

“And finally, it is my honor to inform you that Counselor Troi has begged for you to marry her. Of course you, Wesley Crusher, boy genius, could have any woman you want, so I’ll let you decide if you accept her proposal.”

“Oh, gosh yes!” Wesley cried as Counselor Troi embraced him and kissed him passionately as the massive crowd wildly applauded.

Wesley Crusher giggled to himself while rolling around in his now very wet bed sheets, slowly returning to consciousness as his wonderful dream slipped back to fantasy land. He raised himself up into a sitting position, frowning as he noticed he wet the bed – again. He was 17 years old and he was getting way too old to be wetting the bed each night. Luckily he had super awesome futuristic self cleaning sheets and they would be dry in a matter of minutes. He took a moment to reflect on his wonderful dream when he noticed a dark silhouette sitting at the foot of his bed.

“Computer, lights!” He shouted as the the cloak of darkness subsided and the mysterious figure was revealed. “DATA? What the heck are you doing in here?”

Data stood up in a very mechanical manner – what one would expect from an android. Wesley’s eyes were still blurry with sleep as he noticed Data was holding something in one of his hands. Data smoothly lifted up the object – a big white rabbit.

“Commander Data – what is this? What are you doing in here?” Wesley cried as the confusion slowly gave way to fear.

Data didn’t speak. He pulled out a phaser and Wesley’s self-drying sheets were back to square one.

“Wesley Crusher to security!” Wesley screamed as he tapped his com badge. The badge didn’t greet him with its standard beeps and was as lifeless as the android standing at the foot of his bed. Wesley decided to go with plan B.

“MOMMMMMMM!!! MAAAAHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMM!!!!” His mother didn’t answer. She was probably with the captain in his quarters. She was always with the captain in his quarters.

Data suddenly fired the phaser and the rabbit vaporized. Wesley started to cry hysterically as the bunny went “poof!” Data then calmly pointed the phaser at Wesley while adjusting the settings.

“No no no no no, please don’t Data! Why, Data? Why?” Wesley sobbed.



 Wesley woke up a few hours later, flying out of his bed and running around in a few, awkward circles as he desperately scanned his bedroom for Data. His head throbbed and his muscles ached – a side effect of being shot by a phaser.

“Security to Wesley Crusher’s quarters! Security to Wesley Crusher’s quarters!” He wailed as his com badge worked flawlessly this time.


“Mom! I’m telling you – Commander Data was in our quarters last night! He killed a bunny with a phaser!” Wesley exclaimed to the senior staff,  including his mother, as she examined him in sickbay.

“I’m not showing any sign that he was shot with a phaser,” Doctor Crusher responded, clearly embarrassed by her crying son.

“But, but, but…” Wesley tried to gather his thoughts before being cut off.

“Wesley, Data was on bridge duty all last night,” Captain Picard interrupted. “He never left his post.”

“I know what I saw!” Wesley replied.

“It was just a nightmare, Wesley,” Commander Troi added.

“Yeah, Wes – you know Data would never hurt you,” said Geordie.

“No – it was real!” Wesley cried as he started to sob again. “He murdered a bunny!”

“Dammit Wesley!” Commander Riker yelled for good measure.

Just then, the sickbay doors opened and Data walked in. Wesley let out a hysterical scream that made Captain Picard extremely annoyed.

“Bunny killer!” Wesley shouted as he ran and hid behind a surgical table.

“Dammit Wesley!” Commander Riker yelled again.

“Bunny killer? I do not understand. Have I upset you Wesley?” Data calmly inquired as Wesley trembled with fear.

“Keep him away from me! You’re a freak you stupid robot!” Wesley, feeling empowered by the presence of the senior officers, told Data who remained unmoved by his harsh words.

“Wesley Crusher!” His mother Beverly shouted as everyone in sickbay looked at the young acting ensign with disbelief. In the future, calling an android a robot is like using the N-word. “You apologize to Data, right now young man!”


“I am sorry if I have offended you Wesley. I have always considered you my friend,” Data, giving a programmed look of puzzlement, replied.

“Well I’m disappointed in you Wesley,” Captain Picard somberly stated. “Until you come to your senses I am hereby relieving you of your acting ensign duties.”

“What? No! He watches me when I’m sleeping! He kills bunnies!” Wesley cried to no avail.

“Dammit Wesley!” Commander Riker yelled again.

The senior staff slowly cleared out of sickbay and when it appeared that he might be left alone with Data, Wesley quickly left and headed for the turbolift. He needed to clear his head and so he went to Ten Forward where he could work on some math problems. When he arrived in the Enterprise’s main hangout, he was given a dirty look from Guinan who like the rest of the ship had heard that he called Data the R-word (robot).  Wesley tried to ignore all the staring as he walked over to the replicator and ordered his usual breakfast – a jumbo bowl of chocolate puff cereal, six chocolate chip pancakes with triple syrup, a 48 ounce glass of fruit punch, a large bowl of peppermint candies, a 24 ounce jar of strawberry cake frosting, a 24 ounce jar of raspberry jam, a large bowl of yellow M&Ms, 17 fruit rollups, a three-pound bag of gummi bears, and a jumbo bowl of chocolate-banana ice cream.

Wesley immersed himself in his math problems as Ten Forward slowly cleared out after the breakfast rush. He quickly finished his breakfast and ordered four more 48-ounce cups of fruit punch when he noticed someone was staring at him from the bar. A chill went down his spine as he saw Data gazing at him with his deceptively vacant android eyes. Wesley, trying to stay calm, picked up his computer pad and walked out the door as it whooshed shut behind him.  The Enterprise seemed unusually empty as his footsteps echoed in the quiet halls, supplemented by the hum of the starship’s engines. Wesley soon realized that he wasn’t alone as heavy footsteps seemed to follow him.

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