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From: crime@bu.edu (mary self)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: NEW: Choices (VOY, P, NC17)
Date: 25 Oct 1996 11:58:15 GMT
Organization: Boston University
Message-ID: <54qa0n$r86@news.bu.edu>
NNTP-Posting-Host: acs1.bu.edu
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]

DISCLAIMERS: The original characters belong to Paramount, but the story and
the character of Caitlin Matthews are mine.

WARNING: This story contains material that some may find offensive.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: This started out as two separate stories, neither of which
I felt I could make stand on their own. Therefore, after
a tussle here and a curse there, I merged them. I’d be
interested to know if you think it worked.

THE PARIS JOURNALS, vol. VIII

Choices
Part 1

by Carly Hunter
copyright 1996

I stepped out of the shower and winced as I lifted a towel off the
nearby rod. I wrapped it around my waist and crossed over to look at the
bruise in the mirror. It had already begun to turn a bluish-purple.
“Idiot.” I muttered. “It was an impossible return, but you still had
to try, didn’t you? And what did it get you? A bruised shoulder and Harry got
matchpoint anyway.”
Gently, I raised and lowered my arm. Yep, it was going to be sore for
a while, but I didn’t want to go to Sickbay and hear another one of the Doc’s
smug lectures. Oh well, I would just have to live with it, sore or not.
I walked out into the sleeping area and pulled a fresh pair of
underwear out of the drawer. The door to the corridor opened and I flattened
up against the wall, sighing with relief as only Cait stepped in.
“Hmm. I like what I see.” She said with a grin.
“Oh really? Then should I even bother with these?” I twirled the
underwear around my finger.
She walked over and put her arms around my neck. “Not unless you
want to.”
I tossed them quickly back into the drawer. “Nah. They can be
pretty confining.”
Her fingers gently traced the discolouration on my shoulder.
“Springball?”
I grimaced. “Yep. Harry won the first game, but I won the second.”
“Good for you.”
We kissed and her hand slipped down to my waist. The towel hit
my feet. I raised an eyebrow. “Now?”
“Why not?”
A sore shoulder hardly seemed a valid excuse, and I began to unfasten
her uniform. I eased the turtleneck over her head and sucked in a delighted
breath. “I like what *I* see.”
Cait laughed and took my hand leading me over to the bed. We paused
at the foot and kissed some more. I ran my fingers over the small bump on her
upper arm where her implant used to be. She smiled slyly.
“Feel lucky tonight, Lieutenant?”
“I suppose it would be cliched to say every night I’m with you I feel
lucky.”
“Very cliched, and in your case, very true.”
“Oh really?” I eased her back onto the bed. “I could say the same
thing about you.”
The green eyes glowed with suppressed laughter as she twined her arms
around my neck. “Less talk and more work, Mr. Paris.”
“Yes ma’am.”
As if one could call trying to get Cait pregnant work. Personally,
I couldn’t think of a more pleasant job. And if we happened to fall asleep
for a little while afterwards, so much the better. It gave my little guys a
better chance at a successful upstream swim.
When we first got married, we swore we would wait at least a year
before having children. Yet, Rowan had given us both a taste of parenthood,
and after many late-night pillow debates, we decided we didn’t want to wait
after all. Now, we were into our third month of trying for a baby, but
somehow those few hours of fertility kept eluding us.
The Doc had warned us it might take a while since Cait had been using
implants for so long. Most girls started around age seventeen or eighteen,
but Cait had been using them since she was thirteen, right after she was raped.
To help us, he suggested using a tricorder to find out when she was at
her peak. We declined. We weren’t that discouraged, yet. A couple of months
from now, maybe, but right now, we were having too much fun. I mean, the sex
was great. No, more than that. It was incredible, amazing, the best either of
us had ever had. There was just something in that element of chance, an added
intensity from that nagging gambler’s hope that maybe, just maybe, we would hit
the jackpot this time.

*BEEP!*
I opened one eye and peered over last night’s dishes at the
chronometer. Damn. Cait sat up beside me and I heard the familiar click as
she opened the tricorder and scanned herself. She sighed and shut it.
I raised up on my elbows and looked at her.
“No luck?”
She shook her head and stared down at the small grey bearer of bad
news. “Looks like I’m still on active duty.”
I sat up and hugged her close. “So we try again in a few days.
No big deal. The Doc says we’re both okay. We’ve just got lousy timing.”
She gave a reluctant smile and kissed me. “Shower?” she asked.
“Definitely.” I replied. “Together?”
“Definitely.”

We met Harry and B’Elanna for breakfast fully expecting a little
ribbing about missing dinner, but received none. In fact, they were strangely
silent through the entire meal. They didn’t even smile at each other when they
parted company in the corridor.
I studied Harry carefully as we waited for the lift to take us
to the bridge. “Hey, Harry, you okay?”
“Huh?” He glanced up, his thoughts still kilometers away.
“You okay? Things all right between you and B’Elanna?”
“Yeah. They’re fine.” He kept his eyes glued to the lift car’s floor
when we entered.
“Bridge.” I requested. “Are you sure? Something’s bothering you,
both of you. It was written all over your faces at breakfast.”
The doors opened dumping us on the bridge before he could reply.
Chakotay looked up from conferring with Tuvok at Tactical. “Mr. Paris.
Mr. Kim.”
“Good morning, Commander.” I replied.
Harry mumbled a “morning”.
Chakotay looked from him to me. I lifted my shoulders. He glanced
back at my downcast friend and shrugged. “By the way, Tom, how’s Caitlin’s
shoulder doing?”
I stared blankly at him. “Fine, I guess. Why wouldn’t it be?”
“The fight between T’shar and Corrigan yesterday afternoon. She helped
break it up and dislocated her shoulder in the process. She didn’t tell you?”
“She what?” My jaw tightened. That little- “No sir. She didn’t
tell me, but I’m glad you did.”
I stewed all through the first half of my shift. Was she crazy?
What if she had been in the early stages of pregnancy and not known it? She
could’ve miscarried. I didn’t care if what she did was in the line of duty.
This was our possible child we were talking about. And once she was pregnant,
then what? She couldn’t go around breaking up fights when she was six months
along, not when she was carrying my child at least.
By the time I reached the mess for lunch, smoke had stopped coming out
of my ears, but I was still plenty steamed. I grabbed a tray of pasta and
sat down. Cait came in a minute or two later. I barely looked up when she
took her seat.
“Where’s Harry?” she asked.
“He’s skipping. Staying on the bridge.”
“Oh. Did you find out what was bothering him? I haven’t had a chance
to talk with B’Elanna yet.”
“Too busy breaking up another fight?”
“What?”
“Nothing. No, I think he was about to tell me when Chakotay brought
up something a little closer to home.” I stabbed the pasta and twisted it
carefully around the fork.
“Oh? What was that?”
I chewed my food slowly and didn’t answer, letting her squirm in the
silence. She put down her fork and made a quick pass over my hand with
her fingertips.
“Tom, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing. How’s your shoulder?”
“My what?”
“Your shoulder. Which one was it the right or the left?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Come off it, Cait. I know you dislocated your shoulder yesterday.”
“Oh, that. I had forgotten all about that. The Doc popped it right
back into place. I was back on duty in less than thirty minutes.”
I glared at her. “You forgot. As simple as that. You forgot.”
“Yes.” She frowned. “I don’t understand. Why is this bothering you?”
I shut my eyes, trying not to explode. The mess was not the place for
one of our fights. “Have you forgotten we are trying to have a child?”
“No. I haven’t forgotten. Didn’t last night prove that?”
“Then why the hell are you going around breaking up fights? What if
you had been pregnant? Did you stop to think about that? Or did you just
charge headlong into the melee?” I barely kept my voice to a low growl.
Cait stared at me for a moment, her mouth slightly agape. “How could
you even think-” she began and stopped, her gaze falling to her plate.
Suddenly she pushed back her chair and stood up. “Excuse me. I’m not
very hungry anymore.” She picked up her tray and dumped the contents down
the reclamator before striding quickly out of the mess.
I plunged my fork into the pasta, bringing up a mouthful. I looked at
the food. No, I wasn’t that hungry, either. My fork dropped to the plate.
Damn her. Did she think she could run away from this?
“Trouble in paradise?” Neelix sat down before I could even answer.
“Want to talk about it?”
“Not really, Neelix. It’s between Cait and myself.”
“You know, I do have first-hand experience in matters of a marital
nature.” He continued. “Kes and I have certainly had our share of
disagreements over the years.”
I should have known he wouldn’t take no for an answer. “Okay. Okay.
You know how Cait and I decided to have a child? Well, we haven’t exactly
been meeting with success, and then this morning I find out that she got
injured breaking up a fight yesterday. She never told me.”
“Was she injured badly?”
“No, it was only a dislocated shoulder, but that’s not my point. Here
we are trying to get her pregnant and she’s breaking up fights.”
Neelix looked at me non-plussed. “She isn’t pregnant, is she?”
“No.”
“And security is her job, right?”
“Yes, but that’s not the point. What if she had been pregnant?
She could’ve lost the child.”
“Don’t you think she knows this?”
“Well, yes, but breaking up fights doesn’t exactly show it.”
“But if she knew she wasn’t pregnant, why shouldn’t she continue to do
her normal duties?”
“Look, Neelix, all I did was point out that what she did was risky
under the circumstances.”
He shook his head. “From what I overheard you said a little more
than that. You called into question not only her commitment to having her
child, but also her devotion to the welfare of that child. How would you feel
if she asked the same of you?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Not in so many words, but the implication was the same.”
I leaned back in my seat and let what he said sink in. Idiot. Yes,
Thomas, you are a true idiot. By questioning her devotion to our child, you
questioned everything, including her love for you, your marriage, everything.
My fingers drummed angrily on the table. “You’d think by now I would
have learned to watch what I say, wouldn’t you? How could I be so stupid?
It’s just that we’ve been trying, you know, and nothing. And I guess maybe I’m
getting a little more frustrated than I want to admit, but when Chakotay
mentioned the fight, all I could think of was how one wrong punch could bring
everything we’ve worked so hard for to an end.” I picked up the fork and let
it drop, giving the tray a disgusted push. “Dammit! Now, how am I going
to apologize?”
He patted my sore shoulder as he got to his feet, and I tried hard not
to grimace. “I’ve always found flowers work with Kes, and I happen to know
that the aloreas are in full bloom in the airponics garden.” He winked.
I shot him a half-hearted grin. “Flowers aren’t exactly Cait’s thing,
but thanks for the suggestion.”
“Not at all. Good luck.”
Yeah. Luck. After the mistake I had made, I was going to need it.
I finished up my shift and ate dinner alone. No one else in our group
showed. Yep, she was mad at me. If she was avoiding me, it was a sure sign
that the very sight of yours truly would cause her to blow a nacelle. At best,
I reasoned I would have to settle for her remaining on civil terms as an
acceptance of my apology. True forgiveness–when I could make love to her–
lay several days away.
So in preparation for groveling, I stopped by the garden and picked
a few flowers. Hey, it couldn’t hurt, and bright, sunshine yellow was one of
her favorite colours. I set them in a vase on our coffee table so she couldn’t
miss them when she came in, and then, I picked up a book and waited.
Hours passed. My thoughts weren’t really on what I was reading.
I kept thinking about Cait, and not just her, but women in general. How we,
human males, used to regard them. How the Klingons regarded them. How the
Ferengi regarded them. Humans had changed their ways. (Even if I did
set them back a few centuries at lunch today.) The Captain was a
prime example of that, and yet, I wondered if we ever got back to Earth if
she and her guy, Mark?, would have children. As a captain, it wouldn’t be
easy. I knew that from my own childhood. Both women and men gave up
something to sit in “the big chair”. But for women, I guess the price was a
little higher. Or maybe it wasn’t. If I was a captain, I’d want my family
with me. I couldn’t accept seeing them only once or twice a year. I would
want to be there for my kid’s first word, for his first steps, for his first
day at school. I’d want to be there for everything my own dad missed.
Rowan’s face flashed before me, and I couldn’t help but smile.
“Hungry” had been his first word, (how appropriate!), and he had walked right
after that. Having a human child was going to be quite a different story.
It would be months before he or she could crawl or talk, and we’d be changing
diapers for well over a year. Heck, Rowan had let us off easy. Easy.
Yeah, right, Thomas. You almost died feeding him, remember? True, but I
never thought about that. Holding him and telling him stories and playing
airplane with him were always what sprang to mind first.
I sat up and stretched. 2200 hours. Still no Cait. I got up and
moved the flowers onto the ledge by her side of the bed. Then, I stripped
and crawled beneath the covers.
I didn’t go to sleep. I stared up at the dimly lit ceiling, wondering
where she was. I didn’t have to wonder long. The door opened and she came in,
disappearing into the bathroom. A few minutes later, she pulled back the
covers and climbed in, her back to me.
My hand touched her shoulder. “Cait?”
“Not now, Paris. The flowers were a nice touch, but not now.”
Yep, she was still angry. She called me Paris, not Tom. “I just
wanted to apologize. I didn’t think about what I was saying. I should have,
and I just-”
“Not now. Go to sleep, or at least let me. I’m tired and the last
thing I want is a late night argument.”
“All right. All right.” I removed my hand and lay back. “I just
wanted you to know I’m sorry.”
“You always are” came the curt reply.
I deserved it.

If you were looking for any of the three of us in the mess, all you
had to spot were the two dark clouds hovering over our table, one from Cait
and the other from Harry. Cait was still giving me the silent treatment, and
Harry, well, Harry was looking like someone had just killed his dog. Something
told me to just keep quiet and eat my breakfast, but did I listen? Hell, no!
“Um, Harry, where’s B’Elanna?”
“Not here. She got a brainstorm late last night and I haven’t seen
her since.” He angrily stabbed a piece of sausage with his fork. He studied
the food for a moment and then let the untensile fall with a clatter. “I’m not
very hungry. I’ll see you on the bridge, Paris.”
Cait and I watched him leave. She put her fork down and slipped her
hand into mine. I gave it a squeeze. Suddenly, our fight seemed very trivial.
We had heard the rumors, but we had ignored them. Neither of us put much
stock in the ship’s rumor mill, having been the subject of it ourselves
numerous times.
“You don’t think that B’Elanna-” I began.
She shook her head. “No. She loves Harry. Talk to him, Tom.”
“Cait, we can’t get involved. It’s their relationship. If we meddle,
we could wreck our friendships with both of them. They’re adults. Let them
handle it.”
“But-”
“No buts, Cait. You know I’m right. Look, I’ll see if he wants to
talk, and if he does, fine, but that’s it.”
She nodded. “And I’ll see about talking with B’Elanna, but she’s been
so busy lately with the-”
The lights flickered throughout the mess.
“-gel packs.” She finished over Neelix’s cursing in the background.
“Speak of the devil.” I commented. “We lost warp for a few minutes
yesterday. Luckily, Harry spotted the power fluctuations in the core output
ahead of time and I dropped down to impulse. Otherwise, the whole ship would
have had a very nasty jar.” I weaved my fingers through hers. “What would you
say to a trip to Lake Como tonight, if the gel packs comply?”
“And if they don’t?”
I gazed deep into her emerald eyes. “Then, we’ll just do whatever two
consenting adults do when they find themselves together in the dark.”
Her eyes opened wide in implied innocence. “You mean tell ghost
stories?”
“Ah-that wasn’t quite what I had in mind.” I grinned.
We got to our feet and dumped the contents of our trays down
the reclamator. I followed her out into the corridor and around the corner.
The side passage was conveniently free. I put my arms around her waist and
pulled her close. Her fingers tickled the hair on the back of my neck.
We kissed and then, hearing footsteps, said our hasty good-byes.
It was always nice to know I was forgiven.

I woke up the next morning and stretched before snuggling up to Cait.
We hadn’t spent too much time on the holodeck, partly because of the gel packs
and partly because we had other things on our minds.
When a friend’s relationship falls apart, it does one of two things.
It’ll either make you value yours more, or it’ll make you question yours, but
it will never leave you unaffected. I snaked my arm over Cait’s waist and
pulled her closer. We decided last night to value ours.
“Janeway to all senior staff. Please report to the briefing room as
soon as possible.”
Cait and I both groaned. “Stay in bed.” I whispered, planting a kiss
on the back of her neck. “You’ve still got time.”
“No, I don’t. If Tuvok’s in a meeting this early, ten to one says he
will want to brief Rollins and me as soon as he comes out. So I may as well
get up now.”
We showered and dressed quickly, bidding each other a hasty kiss good-
bye in the empty corridor.
The meeting lasted about an hour. According to B’Elanna’s report, the
gel pack failures were getting worse and more and more unpredictable, and the
worst part was that she still didn’t know what was causing the problem.
With that in mind, the Captain decided I should prepare a shuttle for launch in
case of an emergency. A Talaxian colony was located about four days away and
had agreed to be of assistance if the need arose.
So instead of taking my usual position behind conn, I headed down to
the shuttlebay. I ran a pre-flight check on the Cochrane and found everything
in order. All I had to do was move it into launch position so it would be
ready to go. I was halfway up the ladder to auxilary controls when the ship
jerked violently slamming me against the wall. I lost my grip and crashed
to the floor. Everything went black.

Choices
Part 2

by Carly Hunter
copyright 1996

I hear voices. A bright light slashes through the darkness. My head
hurts like hell, but I still do something stupid like trying to sit up.
An older woman is beside me almost immediately. She has kind blue eyes and
tells me to lie back down. The higher I rise, the more stars I see, so I
follow her advice.
“Where am I?”
“Sickbay.”
A man with a receded hairline walks up and runs a scanner over my head.
He must be the doctor.
“How do you feel, Lieutenant?”
Lieutenant? “My head hurts.”
“I’m not surprised. You suffered a severe concussion. If you weren’t
so hard-headed, you might be dead.”
I stare at him. Is he trying to be funny or is he just some wise-ass
medico? “How did I get here? What happened to me?”
They exchange glances. “You were in the shuttlebay,” the woman begins.
“You were climbing up to the auxillary controls when the ship dropped out of
warp without warning. You fell and struck your head.”
“Oh.” I don’t know what else to say. My head feels like a springball
after a hard-fought tournament. Thinking only makes it ache more.
“Lieutenant, do you remember the accident?” The doctor asks.
“No.”
“Do you know who I am? Who she is?”
“You’re the doc and she’s the nurse.”
He sighs with impatience. (What a bedside manner!) “Obviously, but do
you know her name?”
I squint up at her. She knows me. They both do. I- Shit! Who are
they? Who am I? I don’t know! Shit! I can’t remember who I am! They could
be lying! It could all be a trap! How do I know I’m safe? No. Hold it.
Don’t panic. That won’t help. Just play along and see where it takes you.
“No.” I say.
“My name is Kes.” She squeezes my forearm gently. “Do you know who
you are?”
Damn! I’ll have to tell them. “No.” The word drops heavily from my
lips and explodes like deuridium, taking my last vestige of security with it.
They exchange glances again. The woman pats my hand. “Your name is
Tom Paris. You are the conn officer on the USS Voyager, this starship. You
hold the rank of lieutenant.”
“Oh.” I wince. Damn my head! I need time to think.
The doctor starts to give me a hypospray, but I grab his wrist.
“Lieutenant! What are you doing?”
“I could ask you the same thing, `Doc’.”
He jerks free. “You said you were in pain. This is merely a hypospray
of analgesic to relieve it. I assure you, it will not harm you in any way.”
A soft hand brushes over my forehead. “Tom, I know you feel very alone
and very frightened right now, but we are your friends. We want to help you.
Please, you have to trust us.”
Oh, she’s good. I’ll give her that. What choice do I have anyway?
I nod and the doctor administers the drug. In a few seconds, my head clears
a little. No memory, but no pain either. Score one for them.
“All right,” I say, trying to act more confident. “Tell me about
myself.”
The woman squeezes my shoulder. “In time. For now the only thing you
need to know, besides what I just told you, is that you have a lovely wife,
who has been very worried. May I call her for you?”
Wife! Hell! Maybe I’ve got kids, too. “Yeah, sure. Call the
little woman.”
She chuckles. “I don’t recommend you call her that, or you might end
up back here with more than just a concussion.”
So. I picked one with spirit. Good. I like ’em with spirit, don’t I?
“Is she- Are we on good terms?”
“The best,” she replies.
Whew!
“Kes to Lt. Caitlin Paris.”
Caitlin?
“Paris, here.”
“He’s awake, Caitlin, and ready to receive visitors.”
“I’ll be right there.”
In a few minutes, the doors on the other side of the doc’s office open.
A young woman walks in and the other woman, I mean, Kes immediately draws her
aside. Maybe that’s the little woman. Nice figure from here. Yellow collar.
What’s the break-down of those colours again? Blue for…Well, the doc’s
wearing blue so it must be for medicine and science. Gold’s for what?
Oh yeah, engineering and security. Engineering? Security? Engineering,
probably.
From time to time, they look in my direction. I can just imagine what
is being said. Everything’s fine; he just won’t know you from Adam. Oh hell,
she’s coming this way. What do I say? Hi honey, who the hell are you? Nah.
That’s a little too sarcastic.
She’s distinctive. Unusual hair. A rich, dark auburn. I’ll bet its
pretty when she lets it escape the ponytail. Wow. Eyes the colour of sunlit
moss. I could have done worse. A lot worse.
She bends down and kisses me on the cheek, not on the lips as I expect.
Could be she’s a little unsure, too. “Hi.” She says with a smile. Wow. I
bet that smile knocks you over when it reaches her eyes.
“Hi.”
“The Doctor says you can leave tomorrow. He wants to keep you around
for observation, just to make sure you’re all right physically. Kes has
offered to help you with your memory loss, sorting through files and all that.”
“That was nice of her.”
“Maybe the two of you could start later on, if you feel up to it.”
“Yeah. All right.” I crumple the blanket in my hands. “Can I ask you
a question?”
“Of course, anything.”
“Do we have kids?”
Her mouth falls open and then she laughs. (I was right–a knockout
when it reaches her eyes.) “Not yet, but we have been trying to change
that fact.”
“Oh.” I feel a little relieved. Explaining to children why their
father doesn’t know them anymore wouldn’t have been easy, and to be honest,
I don’t think I’m in any shape to deal with kids at this point anyway.
She bends down and kisses me on the lips, long and with a tad of
pressure to let me know we are more than just friends. Yeah, she’s got spirit.
I like them with spirit. Definitely.
“I have to go back to work. I’ve got two disturbances to write up and
Tuvok wants the report in one hour.” She kisses me again. “I’ll be by later.”
“I’ll be here.”
So, she’s security. Somehow, although I’m not exactly sure why,
it fits her.

I pass the afternoon by studying the ship’s plans on a monitor.
The doctor suggested I start with that before my personnel records so I don’t
get lost when I leave Sickbay. It makes sense, I guess.
I really like Voyager’s lines. It’s funny. I think I could slide
behind the helm right now and fly her with no problem, but I don’t remember
getting to the Delta quadrant, or getting married. I can recall vividly the
feeling of slow motion I experienced as I fell out of a tree when I was six,
but I can’t remember the fall that landed me in Sickbay or even what my
favourite food is. This is weird. Very weird.
About an hour into my lessons, I step away to take a piss. Yeah, I
think I can remember how it’s done. You’re a real riot, doc. I pull down my
pajamas. Shit! What the hell? Scars. One, two, three, eight of them.
How the hell did I get them? I mean you have to be pretty badly injured
to get scars like these in this day and age. When I come out of the bathroom,
I am whiter than the colour itself.
Kes hurries over. “What’s the matter? Oh dear. The scars?”
I nod. “How?” is all I can manage.
“You were captured and tortured while on an away mission. It’s in
your medical file, and I’m sure Caitlin will tell you about it. It happened
some time ago.”
“Oh.” I collapse onto a stool and stare at my reflection in the office
window. What other surprises await me?
Caitlin joins me for dinner, but we don’t talk much. It’s almost like
a first date. I ask her the usual questions. How long have we been married?
Did we meet on Voyager? How did we meet? She’s a little evasive with
that one. I guess we didn’t like each other too much at first, her being
Maquis and me being Starfleet. She tells me about the scars in a very clinical
way, almost as if she is reading a report. She says it was a very painful time
for both of us, and that I shouldn’t worry about it too much now. She leaves
me with the feeling there is more to this story than anyone wants me to know.
After she is gone, I start to get up, but the doctor sternly orders me
back to bed.
“But what about my personnel records?” I protest. “I haven’t seen
those yet.”
“In the morning.”
Now, I am sure they are hiding something, but since my head is
beginning to beat in time with the warp engines, I lie down and wait for him
to leave, figuring I’ll make use of the monitor when he goes off-duty. But he
doesn’t leave. He just sits in that office reading. Talk about your
workaholics! After a while, I give up and fall asleep.
I find myself in a shuttle, flying it recklessly. The man next to me
begs me to change my angle of descent. No way, I say, they will call this the
Paris maneuver. I cringe at my arrogance. The landing area approaches too
quickly. Something is wrong. This isn’t how it happened in the simulation.
Screams erupt. I’ve lost control. Abort! Fucking Abort! Shit! NOOOO!
I sit up gasping. Sweat pours down my face. I am shaking all over.
The screams still echo within. A dream. Only a dream. Little by little,
I stop trembing and lie back down. I know I will dream again. How, I’m not
sure, but some tiny voice warns me that this one was only the first.
The second dream follows as soon as my head hits the pillow. An older
man with steel blue eyes stands before me. I hate him, and I am a little
afraid of him, even though I am taller. He berates me. My fear.
My cowardice. My dishonour. Each word rends flesh, and it grows dark when he
walks away.
The next thing I know I am standing in a dock. Admirals and captains
line a table to my right. A commander struts before me. The man with metallic
eyes sits in the audience. He won’t look at me. Neither will the blond woman
on his right. My parents. I’ve disappointed them. I know that. What have
I done? The commander marches over and snatches the commbadge from my chest.
A court martial? Did this happen? Is it only a nightmare? What the hell
is going on?
I bolt out of bed, panting. My hands quiver. I can’t stop them.
I have to know. I tiptoe into the doctor’s office and activate the monitor.
All I can find is my record on Voyager. Everything else is restricted.
My rank is a field commission, given to me by the Captain. Before that
I am listed as an observer. So, I wasn’t in Starfleet, after all. Why?
What happened? Maybe my nightmares are more real than I know.
A hand reaches over my shoulder to shut off the monitor. The doc
stands behind me.
“Wha-? I didn’t hear you come in.”
“Of course not,” he replies smugly. “Because I didn’t. Now, if you
will return to your bed.”
“But you weren’t in here. I checked.”
He sighs with impatience. “I am the emergency medical hologram.
I was activated to replace the assigned physician when he was killed.”
A hologram? Screw it. I don’t care. “Why can’t I see my whole
personnel file? What are you hiding?”
“Abolutely nothing.” He looks insulted. “You have only to ask the
Captain for permission to review it. Now, will you please return to your bed?”
I eye him. Hologram, huh? “Computer, deactivate emergency medical
hologram.”
He blinks out of sight, but returns with an irritating smirk. “I was
given the power to deactivate and reinitialize myself quite a while ago.” He
extends a firm finger toward the door. “Your bed, Mr. Paris.”
I acquiesce. I can’t learn anything more with him around anyway.
Before I know it, a hypospray hisses in my ear. I try to sit up, but my body
is lead already.
“Pleasant dreams.” He gloats.
“Bastard.” I mumble.

Caitlin wakes me with a kiss on my cheek. I’m still groggy from the
shot and slur my good morning. She laughs and kisses me again, on the lips.
My mind may still be asleep, but parts of me aren’t. She informs me that I
can return to my quarters this evening and that she will come by to collect me
for dinner. Then, she squeezes my hand and leaves, flashing me a blinding
smile I can’t help but return.
I like her. At one time, hell, yesterday morning, I obviously loved
her, but I can’t remember that. Yet, there is such an honest warmth in
her manner. I can’t explain it. Even if someone hadn’t told us we were
married, I would think we were more than friends anyway. There is too strong
a current rushing below the surface.
The Captain stops in just as I’m finishing breakfast. Captain Janeway.
Have to remember that. She confers with the doctor before coming over.
“How are you feeling, Tom?” Her smile barely masks the concern on her
face. Maybe this is more than some protocol-required visit.
“Okay, I guess, Captain. A little confused.”
“Understandable. I’ve spoken with the Doctor. He tells me you wish
to view your records prior to coming on board.”
“Yes ma’am.”
“Under the circumstances, I will release them. You may view them at
your leisure beginning tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow? Why not today?” I demand. To hell with her rank, this is
my life we’re talking about here.
“The Doctor feels it would be wiser for you to study them tomorrow.”
She pauses. “I will not lie to you, Tom. There are some unpleasant things
contained within them. Tomorrow you should be in better condition to deal
with them.”
“But-”
“I know you’re eager to re-learn your life, Lieutenant. If I was in
your position, I would be, too, but you can’t expect to do it in twenty-four
hours. Give yourself time. It is more important that you learn about your
life now, than what it was in the past.” She pats my shoulder and gives it
a firm squeeze. “Get well, Tom. That’s an order. I need you back on
the bridge.”
I watch her leave. Unpleasant *things*. Plural. Like a court
martial? What else? Isn’t that enough?

Caitlin picks me up at 1845 hours for dinner. She brings some
civilian clothes with her. I change quickly and we head for the mess. Deck 2.
I’ve already memorized it. Same goes for our quarters, the gym, the holodecks,
engineering. Yeah, I think I can find my way around.
A chubby humanoid, who introduces himself as Neelix, serves us some
brown goop. I try not to let my nose wrinkle too much. He calls it stew.
I don’t say what word springs to my mind.
He is assisted by a thin, young humanoid with Neelix’s hair and
piercing blue eyes. Valaxis is his name. He calls me uncle, and Caitlin
explains that I am his godfather. Thank the gods, he has Neelix’s hair or I
might wonder if I wasn’t something more.
Caitlin and I eat with another couple, a human by the name of
Harry Kim and a knockout Klingon called B’Elanna Torres. Torres, hmmm.
Must be part human. She is the chief engineer and he is the ship’s operations
officer. According to Caitlin, he is my best friend, too.
The conversation is casual. I get the impression it is also carefully
orchestrated. They only speak of things that happened today. I ask Harry–
that’s what he says I call him–a question about my past and he immediately
clams up.
Caitlin places a partonizing hand on my arm and I jerk away.
“Give it time, Tom. Don’t rush things.”
“Yeah, that’s what everybody says.” I snap. Some friends.
Dinner is real quiet after that. When we’re done, Caitlin gives me the
grand tour of the ship, including the Jefferies tube in which I proposed
to her. She was dying and I proposed. How cliche!
The next stop is a bistro on the holodeck. The program is my creation.
I based it on a bar I frequented on Earth, right outside of Marseilles.
Caitlin tells me that I chose that area for my physical training semester at
the Academy, but that is all she will say, except that I did graduate and
receive a commission on the USS Exeter, all of which only confirms my worst
suspicions.
We stay for one drink. I can’t remember the waitress’s name, but she
knows mine and winks. Around 2115 hours, we leave and go to our quarters.
As soon as the doors shut behind us, Caitlin is in my arms.
Holy smokes, is she a live one! My response is hesitant from shock as much as
anything, and she pulls away apologizing. I can’t blame her, I suppose.
Except for the scars, I’m a good-looking guy, albeit with a less than good-
looking record. Yeah, it bothers me. It bothers me a lot.
She disappears into the bathroom to change giving me an opportunity to
poke around. Not bad quarters, all in all. Sleeping area to the left. Closet
to the right. Moderately-sized common area. My fingers glide up the tall,
spiky leaves of a plant. Hers or mine? I cross over to the coffee table.
Two pictures sit on it. She and I are in that bar in both. In one, we’re
in uniform, and she sits in my lap. In the other, she wears a long creamy
dress, quite simple in its bare-shouldered design. Her hair is pinned up
and decorated with ivory rosebuds and lily of the valley. A few soft wisps of
auburn hang down to frame her face. Wow. No wonder my eyes are glued to her
in the picture.
“That’s from our wedding reception.” Caitlin says at my elbow. “You
expected me to wear my uniform, but I saw the dress on shore leave and decided
to surprise you.”
“Did you?”
She laughs. “And how. I thought your eyes were going to fall out of
your head and roll down the aisle.”
“I can see why, too. You look fantastic.” I turn and suck in a
sharp breath.
She wears a long silk nightgown. Its forest green colour really brings
out her eyes. Nice figure. Very nice figure. The breasts hang a little
lower than I expected, but still firm and round beneath the glossy fabric.
Gods, I think I’ve forgotten how to breathe.
Caitlin spins around slowly, even drawing up one side of the gown to
expose a shapely calf. “Do I meet with approval?”
I gulp. “Yeah. Yeah, you do. I couldn’t have picked a better-looking
bride if I tried.”
She laughs and leads me toward the sleeping area. Her hand guides
my head down and she kisses me gently, but with increasing passion. My shirt
is open before I know what is happening, the smooth fabric of her gown brushing
against my chest. Good gods, she’s skillful. I feel her tongue caress
my lips. Oh damn. It’s so easy to oblige her, and so damn hard to stop.
“I’m sorry.” I finally gasp, twisting my head away. “I can’t. Not
now. I don’t know you. I mean, you say you’re my wife, but I don’t even know
who I am, much less who you are. I’m sorry.”
The pain of rejection flickers in her eyes, but she conceals it
quickly. “I understand.” She brings one of my hands to her lips and kisses
the palm before wrapping it securely around her own hand. “Here, let’s get you
some pajamas. You’ll probably feel more comfortable wearing them tonight.”
She opens a drawer and digs out some shorts from the very bottom.
“I guess I don’t wear them too often, huh?”
A mischievous grin creeps across her face. “Not usually.”
“Yeah, somehow I figured that.” I take them from her and go into
the bathroom.
I undress and stare at myself long and hard in the mirror. My fingers
trace slowly over my face and down my torso, exploring each line of muscle and
bone, even the scars. It’s not a bad body. I must keep in shape. Swimming?
Hmm, maybe. I lean close to the mirror. “Who am I?” I ask the reflection.
Its answer is about as helpful as everyone else’s.
When I come out, Caitlin is in bed reading. I stop short. In bed?
With her? She is my wife, or so she says. She throws back the covers on my
side and smiles. It might be cruel to refuse considering how worried Kes
said she was, and then I’d feel guilty on top of feeling uncomfortable.
My stomach knots up as I crawl in.
“Tom, I realize sex is out, and believe me, I understand. But would
you feel terribly uncomfortable if we cuddled? No kissing, just snuggling.”
I hesitate before answering. Her body had felt so good, so damn good,
would it stay just snuggling? I doubted it. I didn’t trust myself.
“I’m sorry, but no. I feel out of place. I don’t know if I can
explain this very well, but, oh hell! I’m sorry, but I just can’t.”
She nods bravely. “It’s all right. I understand. No, really I do.
Amnesia must be very frightening, not knowing who you can trust.”
“No, it’s not just that, but I don’t even know if I can trust myself.
I mean, I look in the mirror and the man I see is a total stranger.”
Caitlin kisses my cheek. “Just remember I trust you. I know I can.”
She turns over and calls for lights out. I slide down in the bed.
I like her. A bit over-sexed, maybe, but that’s not necessarily such a bad
thing, and I think she is trying to understand.
I roll onto my side and stare at the curve of her figure. Gods, I
could make love to her so easily. Without even realizing, my hand touches her
bare shoulder.
She flips over. “Yes?”
So easy. It would be so easy. “Nothing. I’m sorry. Good night.”
I turn away ashamed.
It takes me a while to fall asleep and when I do, I am back in the
shuttle. The passengers scream at me. I scream at myself. Then, I see them,
bent and twisted like the rest of the wreckage. The girl calls to me. I try
to reach her, but the console pins my leg. She coughs and blood trickles from
her mouth.
“NO! NO! Ricki! NO!”
“Tom! Tom! Wake up!” Someone shakes me.
I open my eyes.
“Tom, it’s all right. It’s only a nightmare.”
I pull away and tumble out of bed. It was so real. I killed them.
It was my fault. I killed them. I back into a wall and slide to the floor,
trembling just like last night.
Caitlin comes over and hugs me close. “It’s all right. It was just
a dream. Everything is all right.”
“B-but I killed them. They died because of me.” I want to be sick,
but I can’t let go of her. She is my sole anchor to this reality.
“Shhh. I know. You told me all about it. You called out `Ricki’.
Do you remember who she was?”
“The girl in the shuttle, I guess. The other two were men.”
She nods. “That’s right. You’ll read all about it tomorrow. Now,
let’s get back to bed.
She helps me to my feet and we crawl under the covers. I let her
hold me close. I still feel awkward, but the chill left by my nightmare
overrides that feeble protest. She continues to speak softly, telling me a
story from her childhood. Gradually my pulse slows and I drop off to sleep.

Choices
Part 3

by Carly Hunter
copyright 1996

I wake the next morning with my stomach still in knots from the dream.
I decide to skip breakfast. After promising not to tell the doctor, Caitlin
leaves me with this thought: she knew all about what happened before Voyager
and she married me anyway. As the doors close behind her, I have to wonder if
she is just crazy or whether love really is blind.
After a shower, I sit down at the terminal. I am afraid to look, but
I have to. I have no choice. The Captain is as good as her word. It is all
there. I’m horrified. Worse still, I am deeply ashamed. I killed three
people and lied about it. I refused to take responsibility. What kind of
person am I? How could Caitlin marry me if she knew this? How could anyone?
And the Captain made me conn officer? Funny, she didn’t strike me
as a softie or a dupe.
I pace the length of both rooms, self-loathing oozing from every pore.
My record on Voyager be hanged, why should any of these people care about me?
I’m a fuck-up who turns and runs. I even came out of prison on a deal to
fink on my former comrades. What a prick! And now I’m married to one
of the same people I was to betray? It doesn’t make sense. None of it.
Throwing myself on the sofa, I stare up at the ceiling. I can still
see that brief flame of pain in Caitlin’s eyes. Maybe it’s for the best–
my amnesia, that is. No one needs me for a husband or a father. I’ll probably
turn tail as soon as labor begins.
My “musings” are interrupted when Caitlin comes in to ask me to lunch.
Gee, time sure flies when you’re having a good time. I decline. I’m not
very hungry.
She sits down beside me on the sofa. “You read your record,
didn’t you?”
“How’d you guess?”
“Your sunny disposition.”
“Figures.” I stare out the window. I can’t look at her.
“You were a pretty mixed-up guy for a while. You made some pretty
stupid mistakes.”
“That’s one way of putting it.”
“We all make mistakes, Tom.”
“Oh yeah? How many people have you killed pulling a stupid stunt?
Did you take the blame for it when you did? I didn’t.” I stand up and move
away.
“Tom, listen to me. All of that happened years ago. You can’t start
blaming yourself all over again. There is no need. You’ve paid your dues.”
“How the hell do I know that? All I know is that I woke up this
morning and discovered that I’ve been guilty of the very qualities I dispise
most in a person, dishonesty and cowardice. Goddammit! Do you have any idea
what that’s like?”
She falls silent for a minute. “No, I don’t, but you have changed
since then. People can, you know.”
“Yeah? Well, I don’t remember changing. For all I know, I still am
a cowardly s.o.b., just biding my time until something better comes along.”
“No! Look at your recent record. Look at me. Do you think for one
minute I would have married you if you were still a self-centered prig?” Her
eyes flash like phasers in my defense.
I shift my gazed toward the wall. “No, I don’t, and that’s part of
the problem. Maybe you shouldn’t have.”
“Shouldn’t have? Of all the fuzzy-headed, cock-eyed-” She breaks off.
Then, she jumps up and grabs my arm, dragging me over to the desk. “That’s it!
Sit!” She pushes me into the chair and disappears into the sleeping area,
returning with two PADDs, which she thrust into my hands. “Here. Read these.”
“What are they?”
“Your journal. When we broke up a second time, you started keeping a
journal. I’ve got no idea what’s in it, but maybe it’ll help you see that
you have changed.”
She walks over to the replicator and requests two peanut butter
and jelly sandwiches and a glass of milk. These, she sets in front of me.
“Promise me you’ll eat while you read. Oh, and if you really want proof, maybe
you should search for entries about Rowan.”
“Who’s Rowan?”
“Our son.” With that, she leaves.

I read all afternoon. I start at the beginning, barely suppressing the
desire to skip ahead after that “our son” remark. Perhaps she is right.
It appears that I do take responsibility now.
One thing is certain. My relationship with Caitlin, be it friendship
or otherwise, has been tumultuous to say the least. I’ve hurt her a lot in the
past, and at times, she has pushed me away with equal force. Yet, as I read,
I discover just how much I loved her and between the lines, through her
actions, I realize how much she loved me. I wonder if I ever told her
about Alana. I wonder why I ever gave this Jenny Delaney a second glance.
Engrossed, I skip dinner, replicating a ham sandwich instead. The hour
grows late. Caitlin comes in, kisses my cheek and goes to bed. Finally, I
reach the point where I began to contemplate marriage and stop. That’s enough
for one day. I know she says yes.
Caitlin lies on her belly facing away from my side of the bed. Her
hair is a cascade of fire on the pillow, and she wears the same nightgown from
last night. My heart thunders in my chest. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t
aroused.
I undress quickly and pull on the shorts. Caitlin turns her head and
watches me settle in. The backs of her fingers slide slowly down my cheek.
She raises up to kiss me with soft restraint. Soldier, seductress, wife, and
last night, almost mother to me.
“Who are you?” I whisper when she frees my mouth.
“Your wife.” She strokes my cheek once more before moving away.
“Good night, Tom.”
I stare at her silent back, consumed by guilt for denying her the
warmth she wants. Yet to me, she is almost another man’s wife, someone I am
slowly coming to know, a friend I could so easily betray.
“I’m sorry, Caitlin.”
A hand reaches back and clutches mine. “I know,” she replies without
turning around. “This won’t be easy for either of us, but I do love you, Tom,
and I will not give up this marriage without a fight.”
“Neither will I.” I promise and close my eyes.
After a while, I hear her get up and go into the bathroom. She is gone
for several minutes. Finally, I tiptoe over. She sobs quietly on the other
side of the door. The sound slices clean through my heart and carves a path
deep into my soul, a pain worse than anything I could ever imagine. My fingers
reach up tentatively and caress the cool, metal door. I don’t know what to do.
So, I stand there, my head against the door, listening, wishing I had the
courage to go in and comfort her, but I don’t, dammit, I don’t.
Presently, she stops crying and I hear water running. I bolt silently
back into bed, pulling the covers up just as the door opens. She climbs in,
once again facing away. I make a vow to speak to her, but in the morning, she
kisses my cheek and is out the door before my eyes are fully open.

For two days I search for the rights words to say. In my journal
entries, she is a very private person, one who holds her own counsel when
confronted with a problem. In fact, a lack of communication appears to have
been our biggest problem on many occasions. But how do I approach her now?
Will she be angry that I eavesdropped on her? Will she be even more hurt by
the fact that I did and did nothing?
The safest thing would be for me just to keep my big mouth shut, yet
whenever I look in the direction of the bathroom, I hear her. I can’t stay
in these quarters knowing I cause her such grief, but I can’t simply pick-up
and leave either. We have to talk. There is no avoiding it. If she gets mad,
she gets mad. So be it.
We eat tonight with Harry, just as we did last night. I hardly say a
word, and she and Harry exchange worried glances throughout the meal.
Afterwards, we head straight back to our room. It’s now or never.
“All right,” she says as the doors shut. “What is bothering you?
You’ve hardly said two words in two days.”
I flop down on the sofa. Our wedding picture sits in front of me and
I try to casually block its view by picking up and setting down the other
picture in front of it. “I’ve been thinking.”
“About?”
“You. Me. Us.”
The blood drains from her face. “I see.” Her body tenses and her
eyes close as if expecting a blow.
“The rules have changed, Caitlin. I’m not the man you married. I may
never be him again.”
“I know that.” She sits down beside me, taking my hand in hers. “I’ve
told myself this over and over. I’ve accepted it.”
“Maybe you have, but it didn’t prevent you from being hurt the other
night. I don’t want to be the source of your pain, Caitlin. I won’t be.”
I pause and take a deep breath. “So if you want a divorce, I won’t fight it.”
“A-a divorce?”
I nod. “In the journals, your happiness meant more to me than
anything. That’s one fact that hasn’t changed. I heard you crying night
before last, and it felt like someone tore my heart out. I don’t want you
sacrificing your happiness because of some admirable sense of duty. I want-”
I stop. If I had slapped her, her face couldn’t have registered more
pain. She drops my hand and walks across the room, keeping her back to me.
A thick silence descends. We are further apart than ever before, and the agony
inside me is heightened, not lessened.
“Caitlin, I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear, but-”
“How can you even propose such a thing?” She asks in a strangled
voice.
“Because I have to. One of us does.”
“No! One of us does not!” She whirls around, her face contorted by
efforts at self-control. “I told you the other night I would not give up
on this marriage. You said you wouldn’t either, and now this? Why are you
so anxious to run away? What have I done to make you want to leave? I’ve
tried to be patient. Have I been too patient? I’ve tried to be loving. Have
I pushed you too far, too fast? Tell me, Tom, please. What have I done?”
“You haven’t done anything. It’s nobody’s fault. The rules have
changed, that’s all. I’ve changed. Things are different now, and I don’t
want to cause you anymore heartache than necessary.”
Her arms close tightly across her chest. “Tom, I know things have
altered. I’m trying my best to adjust, but it takes time. Do you think I got
to know you overnight before? Why should it be any different now? You can’t
even get to know yourself overnight. You’re still learning. Should I be any
different than you?”
“No, I suppose not. But when I heard you the other night-”
“That was a moment of weakness on my part. You’re not the only one
with little voices inside you, you know. The other night mine wondered what I
would do if you decided you didn’t love me. It hurt like hell to consider the
possibility, and the more I tried to push the thought aside, the more firmly
entrenched it became.”
“And rather than turn to me, you locked yourself away and suffered
alone. Tell me, have you always been so stubbornly proud?”
“Always.” She flips back. “It’s one of my more endearing
qualities.”
“Hmph. Look, Caitlin, I won’t lie and say I’m not attracted to you
because I am. You are a very desireable woman, and the old Tom Paris probably
jumped into bed with you whenever he could. He’d have been stupid not to,
but I’m not him. I mean, I am, but I’m not. Almost everything he knew has
been lost to me; I have to re-learn it all. And frankly, that scares the hell
out of me. I don’t want to make the same mistakes again, especially with you.
Can you understand that?”
She nods slowly. “Yes, I think I can. If you need time, Tom, take it.
I don’t mind waiting. Only give us a chance before making your decision.
Please.”
I stare at her. I don’t know what to say, but I do know anyone would
be a fool to let her go so easily. I lean back. “So now what do we do?”
“What do you mean? I’ve already told you where I stand.”
“And I told you where I stood. I just wanted to make sure you knew
you had a way out if it was necessary.” I flash her an innocent grin.
“I guess I didn’t phrase my thoughts too well, did I?”
She doesn’t smile, but her arms do uncoil. “Perhaps I was a bit
defensive. I apologize.”
I glance down at my hands. “I suppose this is usually where we kiss
and make up, huh?”
“Usually, but I’ll settle for a hug instead.” She says, the corners
of her mouth lifting ever so slightly.
“I think I can oblige.” I get up and she meets me halfway.
“I love you, Tom.”
The whispered words surge down my spine, and a warm flush gathers in
my belly. I do like holding her. Our bodies fit so well together. As I
look down, her chin lifts. We gaze at each other. Gods, I could kiss that
mouth so easily. Then do it. Her lips part to receive mine. Do it.
She’s asking you to. Show her you love her. Love her? Do I? I blink
rapidly. What am I thinking? I unclasp her arms from my waist.
“I-I’m sorry.” I say. “I guess I-”
Fingers fly to my lips. “Give it time,” she says. “I’m more than
willing to wait. In the meantime, I think we both could use a relaxing trip to
the holodeck. Come on.” She grabs my hand and pulls me toward the door.
“Where are we going?”
“Trust me.”
As it turns out one of the smaller holodecks is free until 2200 hours.
“Perfect.” Caitlin says with a smile that rings alarm bells in
my head.
“Look, why don’t you go ahead. I’ll go back to our quarters.” I start
to walk away, but she holds fast to my hand.
“Tom, please. Trust me. We can sit at opposite ends of the boat.”
“Boat? What boat?”
“You’ll see. Computer, run program Paris two.”
“Program is running. You may enter when ready.”
“Let’s go.” She says.
The night is soft with a grape-scented mist which surrounds everything,
but clings to nothing–a small breeze won’t allow it. We enter under a curtain
of weeping willows, and I hear waves lap at some unseen shore.
“You used to bring all the women you wanted to seduce here. You even
tried to interest B’Elanna in a trip before we started seeing each other.
We use it more for getting rid of stress.”
“Oh?” I raise a dubious eyebrow as a string of leaves slips through
my fingers. “When was the last time we were here?”
“Five nights ago. We didn’t stay long. The gel packs shut the
program down twice and we, -ah, had other things on our minds.”
“Yeah, I can just imagine what they were.” What else would a guy think
about in a setting like this with an attractive woman? Botany?
“This way,” Caitlin says. “The boat is over here.”
As we pass through the trees, a lake stretches out into the darkness
underneath the clearest sky of stars you could ever hope to see. Across the
small inlet, lights twinkle in a house. I follow Caitlin down a narrow dock
to a small rowboat.
“Get in,” she says.
“Where are we going?”
“Nowhere.”
In the rowboat, plenty of cushions are strategically positioned for
two near the bow. “Um-” I hesitate.
“Oh, will you get in. Even if you don’t give yourself any credit for
self-control, at least give me some.”
“All right, all right. I’m gettin’, I’m gettin’. Geez!”
“Good.” She clambers down gingerly after me. “Now, get comfy. Come
on, lay back. I’ll push us off, and, oof, we’ll just let out the line and
see where the current takes us.”
I look up at the sky. She’s right. It is restful. The waves wash
softly against the sides of the boat like a lullaby. I let my arm dangle over
the edge. The water is surprisingly warm.
“Sometimes, when you’re really tense, you take a swim.”
Hmm, that explains the water temperature. I shrug. “Stupid me.
I forgot my trunks.”
“Don’t let that stop you. I won’t look.” She covers her eyes and
turns her face away.
“Ahh, maybe some other time.” I reply.
“Darn.” She pouts.
“Look, you’re not making this very easy, you know. I told you I was
uncomfortable, and yet every time I turn around, you’re making some suggestive
remark. Are you trying to seduce me?”
Her jaw drops, but she closes it quickly. “I’m sorry. You’re
absolutely right. Old habits die hard, I’m afraid. We’ve always been a very
physical couple, whether in actions or words. I’m going to have to adjust,
that’s all. You’re right to remind me.” She leans back and stares up
at the sky. “Do you remember any of the stars and constellations?”
I look up. “No, but they do look familiar, especially that group of
stars.”
“Which group?”
“Those that almost form a square with a tail.”
“That’s the Big Dipper, I think. You’ve been teaching me their names,
but they’re so different from the stars I grew up with that I have trouble
keeping them straight in my head.”
My gaze drifts downward. “Where did you grow up?”
“The Cardassian border mostly.”
“Oh yeah, that’s right. You told me.”
“You’ve tried to introduce me to little pieces of Earth. Paris,
Venice, San Francisco, Beijing, and a few other cities. It’s been a real
learning experience.” She slides across the boat to sit beside me. “Every
time we come here, you make me pick out a star, learn it and make a wish on it.
You have a very romantic nature.”
“Sounds rather sentimental.” I remark.
“Perhaps, but I think deep down you’ve always liked seeing yourself as
some knight who saves the day and wins the hand of his lady love.”
“No offense, but I’d hardly call you the quintessential damsel
in distress.”
Caitlin laughs. “And you’re hardly a knight in shining armour.”
My jaw tightens and I look out across the dark waters. “You’ve got
that right.”
“Hey.” Her hand guides my face back around. “I didn’t mean it like
that. We both have done things we aren’t proud of. Galahad types are fine
in books, but rarely do they survive in real life. I don’t care if your armor
is a little damaged; mine is, too. We’re survivors, pure and simple, but
even survivors can appreciate starry nights. In fact, maybe we appreciate them
a little more because we are survivors.”
“Maybe.” Gods, she’s beautiful in the moonlight, the stars sparkling
like micro-crystals in blackness of her pupils. A man could lose his soul in
those eyes. Given time, I really think I could fall back in love with her.
The question is can she wait. She says she will, and she’ll try, but even she
can’t hold out forever. I look up at the sky.
“Caitlin?”
“Hmm?”
“Pick a star and make a wish.” I glance back at her. “For both
of us.”
“I already have.” She whispers. “Three guesses what it was.”
A soft hand caresses my cheek, and her lips brush mine lightly. I sit
frozen in shock by the heat of her words, barely aware of my own response until
the merest suck pulls my tongue into her mouth. Instinctively, my body moves
against hers, rolling her back into the pillows. Her fingers tickle the hairs
on my neck. I cover her right breast with my hand, squeezing it gently.
She moans into my mouth, and I feel control slip further and further out of
my grasp. I have to stop this now! I pull away and sit up, my breath coming
in short gasps. She watches me in silence.
“You aren’t going to make this easy for me, are you?” I growl, angry
at both her success and my weakness.
“No. There’s too much at stake.” The fierce glow of determination
in her eyes burns me to a crisp.
I swallow hard. “I suppose there is. The rest of our lives?”
“Yes.”
My gaze flees out over the water. “I’m sorry, Caitlin. For the
accident, the amnesia, everything. I’m sorry.”
“Tom, you don’t need to apologize. The accident and its consequences
weren’t your fault. You can’t blame yourself.”
“Who else can I blame? The shuttlebay floor for being too hard?”
“Try the gel packs or whatever is causing their problem. Blame it on
anything, but yourself.” She pulls me back against her, her arms around my
neck. “It’s not your fault,” she whispers. “Accept that.”
Her fingers run softly through my hair. I close my eyes. She’s back
to being a mother again. Maybe that’s all I am–a big baby. No, I’d have to
be more than that or she wouldn’t have married me. Mmmmm. I could fall asleep
like this. I don’t think she would mind. Hmmm, Paris, Venice, San Francisco,
Como, Bei- Wait a minute! I sit up too fast, tipping the boat precariously.
“What is it? Tom, what’s wrong?”
“Como. Is that the name of this lake?”
“Yes, it is. You remember it? Do you remember anything else?”
I squeeze my eyes shut. C’mon. Think. There’s something else. There
has to be. It can’t just stop with a name. Think! I sigh. Nothing.
“No. Nothing else. Sorry.”
“It’s all right. Something is better than nothing. Shall we call it
a night?” She stands up and offers me her hand.
“Yeah. I guess so. Computer, end program.” I say as I get to my
feet. It’s been a helluva long day. We could both probably use a good night’s
sleep.

“C’mon, you stupid punk, get up! What’s the matter? Had enough,
`Admiral’ Paris?”
I glance up at the figure in the grey jumpsuit, its fists still raised.
My hand clutches my heaving stomach, and I run my tongue over my split lip.
My prison welcome. All around I hear the taunts from both men and women.
“Welcome to Auckland, Tommy boy.”
“Fuckin’ traitor!”
“Don’t hurt him too bad, Jasha. He’s kinda cute.”
The figure above me grins cockily. “You want me to save him for you,
Darsca?” He bends down and grabs the collar of my jumpsuit. “She’ll eat you
alive, pretty boy.”
It’s the chance I need. “Fuck you!” I snarl and my fist connects
with his right eye.
“Owwww!”
My eyes fly open at the howl of pain. Caitlin lies beside me, her hand
clutching the side of her face. Her left eye stares at me in confusion and
fright. Oh shit! I reach for her, and she scoots away almost falling out
of bed.
“Caitlin, wait. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. Please.”
She blinks. “What the hell? Why?”
“It was a dream. A nightmare. I was back in prison. I’m sorry.
I didn’t mean to hit you. I didn’t even know-I-Oh gods, please forgive me.
I’m so sorry. I would never-” I can’t help it. I’m crying. After all she’s
done, I go and repay her this way. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please
forgive me.”
She brings her hand down and draws me into her arms. “Shh. There’s
nothing to forgive. It was an accident. I know you didn’t mean it. Shhh.
It’s all right.”
I look into her face. Her right eye has a reddish purple cast.
“Oh shit.” I whisper, watching her flinch as I gently touch it. “I am
so, so sorry. Everybody will think I’ve been beating you.”
“No, they won’t.” She chuckles. “Everyone knows I can take you any
day in a fight. They’re far more likely to believe that I walked into
something.”
I give a half-hearted snicker. “Really? So you wear the pants in
this relationship, huh?”
“No, we both do. I’ve had more training, but you are pretty handy
in a fight yourself. How the hell do you think you survived your prison
welcome? The guy who was beating you up also landed in the medical ward
courtesy of you fists. You were so angry at yourself and the world back then,
they had to pull you off him. That won you some respect, even at the cost of
two days in solitary. Like I told you earlier tonight, you’re a survivor.”
Her lips brush my forehead.
“How did you know that was what I dreamed?”
“Because you’ve had the dream before. The first time, you smacked me
in the shoulder and scared me half out of my wits. We stayed up the rest of
the night talking about it. You often have nightmares when you’re under a lot
of stress. I’ve learned to expect it.”
I bury my face in her neck. “You’re wonderful. I don’t deserve you.”
Two fingers press against my lips. “Ah-ah-ah. We’ve discussed this
already. You do deserve me, and vice versa. Believe it.” She kisses me once,
twice, until I lose count in my own response.
Our lips part and her tongue touches mine. My hand slides over the
curve of her waist, and I slip a leg between hers. The warmth in my belly
gathers strength as she presses herself against me. What the hell am I doing?
I just hit her and now I’m making love to her? Why don’t you just rape her and
get it over with, you opportunistic sonuvabitch!
“Caitlin, please.” I extract myself from her embrace and sit up,
drawing my legs to my chest to hide my arousal.
She sits up beside me and leans her head on my shoulder. “I know.
It’s okay. Take it slow. I don’t want to push you.” Her hand glides along
my arm.
I grasp her hand and give the fingers a squeeze. Her eye is swelling,
and a fresh pang of guilt wrenches my gut. “I’m sorry. Excuse me.” I pick up
my pillow and head into the other room.
“Where are you going?”
“The couch. I don’t want to risk hitting you again.”
“That’s nonsense. Come back to bed.”
“No, I can’t.”
“Oh for heaven’s sake! Tom, I’m willing to risk-”
“And I’m not! I’m not willing to risk hurting you anymore.”
Her good eye opens wide at my angry tone. “Will-will you come back
tomorrow night? Or will this be permanent?”
I sigh heavily. “I don’t know. I’m sorry.”
I slink to the couch and pull the throw off the back to use as a
blanket. Once or twice, I think I hear a tiny sob, but I’m not sure if it’s
her or me. I roll onto my side and hug the pillow.
Oh gods, Caitlin, I’m so sorry, for everything.

Choices
Part 4

by Carly Hunter
copyright 1996

It’s been over a week since the accident and still nothing. The Doc
says the longer I go, the less likely I am to recover my memory, unless for
some reason the problem is psychological, rather than physiological.
Right, Doc. I like waking up as half a person or living my life with some
unseen shadow trailing me. Personnel records only tell so much. Even my log
and journal entries only partially illuminate my recent past. My life has
become one huge jigsaw puzzle. Only no matter how I position them, piece after
piece refuses to fit and I toss it aside, hoping I’ll discover its rightful
place later. Perhaps I’ll never know who I really am.
Caitlin tries to remain optimistic. She says we’ll build new memories
together, but she looks worse with each passing day, paler than normal with
deep troughs carved under her eyes. In her off-duty, hours she’s taken me
to the pond where we got married, to Sandrine’s, to Paris (I had to snicker at
that choice), and to Lake Como. Each place has meaning. I know they do.
I can feel it in my gut. But each reason why is lost to me like latinum at a
dabo table.
I keep reading and re-reading parts of my journal, mostly the
stuff about Rowan, hoping it will trigger something in my mind. No such luck.
I can sense the love behind what I’ve written, but I can’t picture him.
He’s like a figment of my imagination. I don’t doubt he existed; I just can’t
remember what he looked like. You can’t re-learn memories. Either you have
them or you don’t. And believe me, when you don’t you feel very alone and
very vulnerable, no matter what the people around you say or do.

Socially, I’ve kept pretty much to myself over the past few days as
I’ve tried to piece my life back together, but for the second afternoon in a
row, Harry stops by and we head to Sandrine’s for a game or two of nine-ball.
At first, I thought Caitlin had put him up to it in order to talk some sense
into my head, but today I get the feeling there’s more to it than just that,
like he has something on his mind.
I lean on the table as he lines up his break. “So, what was I like?”
“Huh?”
“What was I like when we first met? I’ve gotten Caitlin’s perspective.
What’s yours?”
He grins and shoots, scattering the balls, but sinking none. “An ass.”
“That’s what Caitlin says.” I snicker.
“Let’s see. You used to think life was a game.”
“Well, it is, isn’t it? Winners, losers, people who break even. Two
in the corner.”
“Yes, I guess, but you didn’t take any of it seriously until you
started losing.”
“Ricki, huh?” I don’t need the memory; the thought alone is a cold,
hard slap.
He nods. “Among other things, but you still drank. You gambled.
You put the make on half the female crew.”
“Only half?” I bend down to take a shot on the four.
“Some of the women were already taken.” He blows across his knuckles
and dusts them off on his chest. “However, under my patient influence, you
grew to value substance over style and quality over quantity.”
I glance up momentarily and grin. “Your influence? From what Caitlin
told me, I corrupted you.”
“You mean loosened me up.” He laughs. “Yeah, you did that. Influence
can run both ways. You were like a wild older brother I tried to keep on the
straight and narrow.”
“Sounds like a full-time job. Damn.” My shot on the seven sinks the
cue ball, too.
“You got that right. Eight in the side.”
“Caitlin said you and I met in a bar?”
“Mmm-hmm. It was on the space station, Deep Space Nine. The Ferengi
bartender was trying to con me into buying a box of Lobi crystals. He was
succeeding, too, until you stepped in. We’ve been friends ever since, even
when you kept setting me up on double dates while I was trying to be faithful
to Libby.”
“Libby?”
“My old girlfriend back on Earth. For the longest time, I tried to
be faithful, but the longer we were gone, the harder it got. You and Caitlin
finally convinced me to start building a life out here.” He pauses. “When I
first came on board, the First Officer, Cavit, and the doctor, Fitzgerald I
think his name was, tried to warn me away from you. Even you tried to warn
me away. But you know what?” The dark eyes appear to mist slightly, but
maybe it’s my imagination. “I’m glad I didn’t take your advice.”
He’s serious. Really serious. My jaw tightens and I blink away the
lump in my throat. How the hell did I get so lucky, out here, in the middle
of nowhere? “I am, too, Harry.”
He nods and bends to take the final shot. “By the way, things going
okay between you and Caitlin? I’m not trying to pry, but I figure this could
put a lot of strain on a marriage, new or not.”
I knew it. Here we go. I take a deep breath. “We’re hanging in
there. I guess that best sums it up. She’s been super. Patient, caring, you
name it. I couldn’t have handled this whole situation half as well
without her.”
Harry raises up and stares at me quietly. “Do me a favor, Paris.
Tell her.”
What an odd thing to say. Suddenly my stomach rolls into a tight ball.
“Is there something I need to know, Harry?” I ask sharply. “Has she said
something to you? I know I haven’t acted much like a husband lately, but I’ve
really been trying hard to sort myself out.”
“No. No. She hasn’t said anything.” He leans on his stick for a
moment; then, he shakes his head. “Consider it free advice.”
“No. Back up. She’s my wife. If something’s wrong, I need to know.”
“Look, it doesn’t have anything to do with Caitlin. I swear. It’s
simply a little advice.”
I’m so relieved my knees almost buckle, but if it’s not her, then who?
“Is there something on your mind, Harry?” I walk up beside him and lean
against the table. “C’mon, tell your big brother.”
He grins, but only briefly. “B’Elanna and I are having a little
trouble, that’s all. Don’t worry about it. Another game?”
He starts to lean down, and I grab his shoulders. “Whoa, Harry. I’m
your friend, right? Right?”
“Yes.”
“So talk to me. I’d consider it a welcome break to worry about someone
else’s problems.” I motion to the waitress, -er, Sandrine for two more
drinks as I propel Harry toward a table. “So, what’s the matter?”
“Well, for a while now, the ship has been having trouble with the gel
packs. That’s what caused your accident.”
“Right, when the ship lost warp.”
“Exactly. Only the problem isn’t biological like we first thought,
and B’Elanna has been stuck running all these tests to find out what’s wrong.
Or so I thought.”
I take a sip of wine. “Meaning you think it’s an excuse?”
“Not until two nights ago. She’s been pulling a lot of late hours, but
I’m used to it. Once she gets hold of a problem, she won’t let go until it’s
solved. That’s how she is and I accepted that a long time ago, even when it
means I see her only two waking hours out of seventy-two. But three days ago,
she and Orlando discovered the source of the problem, deterioration of the
irudium in the gel, which is why I’m going on that away mission tomorrow.”
“Right. With Caitlin and Chakotay.”
“Yep. Anyway, after she announced the problem was discovered, I
thought `Yea! I’ll finally get to see her’.”
“But you didn’t.”
“Nope, and after 2200, I got dressed and ran by her quarters, but she
wasn’t there. Three guess where she was.”
I shake my head, but only one answer makes sense. “With Orlando?”
“Bingo! First try!” Restrained anger crackles in his voice. “And
guess where she was last night.”
“Orlando’s?”
“Right again! Years ago, when she first came on board she had a crush
on him. A lot of women did. I just had no idea she was so unhappy, you know.
I thought we were doing real well. After you and Caitlin got married, we even
discussed tying the knot.”
“Could that have frightened her?”
“I don’t see how. This was months ago, and I didn’t propose. We
simply talked about the possibility in the future.”
“And she won’t talk to you?” I ask.
“Short of me breaking her door down, no. To be honest, she’s been
avoiding me.”
“Then I don’t know what to say, Harry. Maybe if I could remember more,
I could spot something. The few times she’s eaten with us, she did seem
distant, but I wasn’t sure if that was how she was normally or if she felt
uncomfortable around me, like she’d say the wrong thing. Some people do.
Would you like me to talk to her?”
He shakes his head vehemently. “No, I don’t want to involve you.
Like I said, you’ve got your own problems. Don’t worry. Either we’ll work it
out or we’ll break up. That’s how it goes sometimes.” He shrugs.
I don’t like it. He’s got to be putting on a good face. If they’ve
been together so long, I can’t believe he, or anyone for that matter, would
take this with such nonchalance. Could be he’s one of those people who hold
everything in. Or maybe he’s trying to shield me. Dammit, I’m not made
of glass. Maybe if he thought I was one hundred percent, he’d let it out
and feel better.
“I’m sorry, Harry. Really I am.”
“It’s not your fault.” He slowly rises to his feet. “See you at
dinner?”
“You bet.” I watch him walk through the swinging doors, and then I
think of Caitlin. Nothing is ever permanent. Haven’t I learned that by now?
I go back to our quarters and think about what Harry said. By the
time dinner rolls around, I’ve formulated a plan as to how I can show Caitlin
how much I appreciate all she has endured.
First, I persuade her to take a stroll with me on the holodeck after
dinner. I choose a New England country road during autumn. A low, crumbling
stone wall lines one side of the road, and the maples, oaks, and white birches
are all at their chromatic peaks. The scent of a fire from some unseen
farmhouse fills the air, and a crisp breeze sweeps across the field and scoops
up the fallen leaves, spinning them into colourful mini-tornadoes. Caitlin
crosses her arms over her chest as if she’s cold, and I put my arm around her.
Hers immediately goes around my waist.
“Have I ever brought you here before?”
She shakes her head. “No, but it’s beautiful.”
“Mmm-hmm. Fall in New England. There’s nothing quite like it. Too
bad we can’t see it in the flesh.”
“You mean, you’ve been there?”
“Yes. A couple of times, I think. I keep trying to remember why.
Maybe it had something to do with relatives. I’m not exactly sure, but I know
I’ve been there.”
“Funny.”
“What?”
“Your amnesia. The way you can remember some things and not others.”
“Hmph. Tell me about it. It’s pretty frustrating, too. I can’t tell
if I’m getting a memory back or whether it’s one of those I never lost in the
first place. Most of the ones I didn’t lose are those either from childhood
or from times I’d just as soon forget; it’s the good stuff, like being
with you, that’s more or less gone with the wind. If you’ll excuse the pun,”
I add as a gold leaf flies by.
She snickers and gives my waist a small squeeze. “I don’t know, I’ll
have to think about it. That one was pretty weak, even for you.”
I grin, and after about thirty minutes, we head back to our room.
We reach our door, but I bar her entrance.
“You can’t go in yet.”
Her eyes open wide. “What? Why?”
“I’ve -er got a surprise planned for you and I need five minutes to
get everything ready.”
“A surprise?”
“Yeah. Give me five minutes, no more, no less. Okay?”
Her arms cross and she studies me suspiciously. “All right. Five
minutes.”
I nod and slip inside the room. The time passes quickly and I shut off
the water just as she walks in.
“Okay, Tom, your time is up. You wouldn’t believe some of the looks
I was getting…in the…hall? Tom?”
I step out of the bathroom, wiping my hands on a towel. Caitlin halts
in her tracks and sniffs the air, her eyes opening wide.
I grin nervously. “I drew you a bath. In my journals, I mention how
you like to take them, and I thought I’d draw you one as a kind of thank you.
I know it hasn’t been easy for you, living with me like this, and I just wanted
to show you I appreciate everything you’ve done and put up with. I hope I got
the temperature right.”
Her entire face glows. “Tom, I don’t know what to say.”
“Yeah, well, don’t think too long or the water will get cold. Go on.
I’ve already put your robe and gown in there. I think everything is ready.”
She throws her arms around my neck and kisses me, long and hard, before
retreating into the little oasis I’ve created. I run my fingers over my lips
and smile. Yeah, good going, Thomas. You finally did something right.
I sit down at the desk and pull up the file on flight patterns.
For the past four days, Chakotay has been retraining me on the holodeck.
My fingers know the patterns, but I can’t remember their names. Beta two.
Omega four. It’s all Greek to me. (Bad pun, Thomas, you can do better than
that.) Yet, I activate and fly them without a second thought, although it
doesn’t do much good if the rest of the bridge crew doesn’t know what’s
happening. So, I’ve been “hitting the books” on top of everything else,
and I’m deep in study when arms–filled with the seductive sweetness of
jasmine–encircle my neck and Caitlin kisses my cheek.
“Mmm, thank you.” She says.
“Did I get it right? Temperature, amount of soap, etc.?”
She sits herself down in my lap, her barely covered breasts level with
my mouth. “You got everything right.”
Her fingers weave their way through my hair as she kisses me, coaxing
my mouth open and gently sucking my tongue between her lips. Oh damn. She
frees my mouth and begins leaving a fiery trail up my jaw to my ear. “I love
you.” She whispers.
I close my eyes. It’s so hard to maintain control. “Caitlin, I
didn’t do this to make love to you. I did it because I wanted to-to-ohh shit.”
She strokes my erection through the fabric of my pants while licking
my ear. Oh man. Her fingers, her tongue. Her tongue, her fingers. Her
breasts. I peel away a portion of the silk to expose a tight pink nipple.
She groans in my ear as I circle it with my tongue. My hand slides beneath
her gown. She’s still moist from the bath and growing more so every second.
Shit! I’ll take her right here on the desk if I’m not careful. Gods know,
I’m more than ready to, the way she’s stroking me.
I wrench my head away. “Caitlin, stop. Please. I-” The glow in her
eyes catches the words in my throat. Dear gods, I want her.
She kneels at my feet and runs her hands over my thighs. “Shh. Don’t
think about it, Tom. Just enjoy it.” She says, unfastening my trousers.
“There’s no commitment. I only want to make you feel good.”
My penis pops out, stiff as a rod of duranium, and she cradles its
length in her hand while she kisses it. Ohh geez! Something tells me she more
than knows what she’s doing. I-oh gods!-that feels so good! I don’t think I
could stop her even if the Captain walked in.
I gaze down at the curtain of auburn shielding my view. I run my
fingers through it and pull it back gently. Gods! I knew she was taking me
deep, but watching her–that’s another story entirely. Ohhh man, I’m not
going to last long, not at this rate. Yeah. Yeah…Suck me…Harder…
Oh yeah, that’s it…That’s it…Just like that…Oh damn, you’re good…
Caitlin…So good…Can’t…Hold…Back…I-
“OH GODS!”
My head flies back and my shout echoes in the room. I know someone
walking by outside must have heard me. My head rolls slowly forward and I
watch her tuck my limp little friend back into my underwear, refastening
my trousers as if nothing has happened. She stands up with a big grin on her
face and kisses me. I can taste myself on her tongue.
“Thank you,” she says.
I stare up at her, still a little dazed. “Thank you? Shouldn’t I be
the one-”
She shakes her head. “No, I should. You trusted me enough to give me
the chance. Several days ago you wouldn’t have. Thank you.” She kisses me
again and moves off into the bedroom.
I gaze at the desk, the monitor still on. No way in hell I can study
now. My mind is completely blown. Blown. Ha-ha, good one, Thomas. I shut
off the monitor and walk over the couch. I rub my face to clear my head.
Her scent lingers on my fingers and I feel a twinge of guilt.
Ignoring the butterflies, I strip and go into the bedroom. Crawling
in bed beside her, I begin kissing her back and shoulders.
She rolls over. “What are you doing?”
“Me? Well, um, I thought I’d do you. You know, turn about is fair
play and all that.”
She smiles gently and cups my cheek in her hand. “Thank you for the
offer, but no. Let’s take this slow. I don’t want you to feel obligated to
do anything. I didn’t do that just for you. It was for me, as well.”
“But-”
“No buts, Tom. You may feel a little guilty now, but you might feel
worse in the morning if I let you. I don’t want to take that chance. One step
at a time, remember?”
I shut my eyes. Good going, Thomas, you screwed up again. “Yeah.
Okay. Whatever you say.” I start to get up, but she grabs my arm.
“Tom, please understand. I’m not rejecting you.”
“Sure, I know. I just felt like I owed you, that’s all.”
“All right, fine. You owe me. Tonight, the price is cuddling. I want
you to hold me until I fall asleep. How’s that?”
“Yeah, sure. Whatever.” I lie back and let her snuggle up. “But I
still feel like I’m cheating you somehow.”
“You think so?” She raises up on her elbow and stares me staight in
the eye. “Well, let me tell you something. Ever since the accident, more than
anything else, I’ve wanted to feel your arms around me, not doing anything,
just holding me, making me feel warm and secure. That night you were in
Sickbay, this bed was so empty. I felt alone and cold and scared, and while
you’ve been back, with your self-imposed exile to the couch, those feelings
haven’t gone away. Twice tonight though, you’ve given me hope by showing that
you care about me and that you trust me. I don’t feel nearly as scared or cold
as I did when I sat down at dinner tonight.” Her fingers trace over my lips
and chin. “Tom, you haven’t cheated me at all. Can’t you see that?”
I study her long and hard, letting the words sink in. “Yeah, I guess
maybe I can when you put it like that. You are one amazing person, Caitlin.
How’d you ever fall for an ass like me?”
She laughs and settles into the hollow of my shoulder. “It wasn’t
easy, but the benefits have far out weighed the deficits.”
“I’m glad to hear that.” I caress the slim, pale arm lying across
my chest. This is so much better than the couch. “Sleep well, Caitlin.”
Her arm tightens momentarily. “I will now.”

“Good morning!”
A cheerful voice and a kiss waken me. I blink rapidly. Caitlin sits
on the side of the bed in her robe, her damp hair hanging loose.
“How did you sleep?” I croak.
“Wonderfully. How about you?”
“Can’t complain.” I sit up and rub my eyes. I could get real used to
this off-duty thing, if I’m not careful. I throw back the covers and stumble
into the bathroom.
By the time I step out of the shower, she pokes her head in the door
and waves. “Later,” she calls.
I snatch a towel off the rod and wrap it hastily around my waist.
“Hey! Wait a minute!”
She halts at the door to the corridor and I skid to a stop. No sense
giving the rest of the ship a free show.
“C’mere” I beckon her over so the door will shut.
“What?”
“Be careful, okay?”
“Always am,” she replies lightly.
I grab her arm before she flits away again. “I mean it. From what
I’ve read you and disaster go hand-in-hand on away missions.”
She taps me lightly on the nose. “Whereas you don’t even have to leave
the ship.”
I don’t bother with a retort. I grab the back of her head and kiss
her, long and deep, the kind of kiss she’ll feel all the way down to her toes.
“Whoa,” she gasps. “Where’d that come from?”
“I’m serious, Caitlin. Be careful. I know I haven’t been much of a
husband lately, but I would be lost without you, especially now.”
She stares at me, and her eyes grow moist. A soft hand strokes my
unshaven cheek. “I’ll be all right. I promise.”
“I’m going to hold you to that.”
Her eyes sparkle like green crystals. “Promise?” she asks with an
impudent leer.
“I-uh.”
She places a finger over my lips. “It’s okay. I’ll still be careful.”

I shave and dress, grabbing a late breakfast before heading to the
holodeck. I’m itching to fly this ship for real. Practicing here has only
wetted my appetite, but this morning, I simply stare at the helm controls,
unable to focus my attention enough to start the program.
I keep thinking about Caitlin, what she did, why she did it, how much
I enjoyed `it’ and holding her afterwards. She had fallen asleep almost
immediately, and I had lain there quietly, watching her, marvelling at how
peaceful and lovely she looked. A good night’s sleep. She had needed one
so badly. For the past couple of nights, I had listened to her toss and turn
until a fitful exhaustion overtook her. All of that suffering because of me.
Keeping herself quietly at bay, taking things slow, giving me time and room
to decode my feelings, while she agonized in silence. Then, somehow just
by drawing her a bath and letting her give me a blow job, I had made it all
better.
Geez, Thomas, she really does love you, but that’s not the problem,
is it? The problem is how do you feel about her. How do you feel about her?
Can you spend the rest of your life with her? Do you even want to? Or do you
simply feel grateful because she’s there, in your bed, waiting for you, doing
everything in her power to make you life better? Well? I don’t know, dammit!
But last night, when she went down on me, man, it felt good. I’m
getting hard thinking about it. All right, I’ll admit it. I want to fuck her,
but she was right last night. What if I did and realized it was a mistake?
Gods, it would shatter her, and I can’t do that. Wife or not, she is a
beautiful person, and she doesn’t deserve that kind of pain.
I lean forward in my chair, sprawling my arms and head across the
console. What the hell am I going to do? How can we-
“Kes to Lt. Tom Paris.”
“Go ahead.”
“Tom, the away team requested emergency transport. I thought-”
“On my way! Computer, end program!”
I run the entire distance. Oh dear gods, please let her be safe.
The Captain reaches Sickbay just as I do. Caitlin sits on a biobed while a
technician treats a nasty cut over her left eye. A burn mark on her cheek
awaits treatment.
“Caitlin?” I am by her side.
Her gaze shifts toward me. “I’m okay. Just a little bunged up.
Harry’s hurt bad. He pushed me out of the way and took a phaser hit in
the chest.”
I glance at the next biobed where the Doc and Kes work feverishly.
There’s a black hole in the middle of Harry’s uniform.
“Twenty cc’s cordrazine! Cortical stimulator!”
I look over at the Captain and Chakotay.
“Verdur lied to us.” He says. “The irudium wasn’t his at all. He
stole it. The rightful owners showed up at the meeting place and opened fire,
no questions asked.”
The Captain nods gravely. “How is he, Doctor?”
“Lucky to be alive.” The hologram quips. “Although, I don’t know if
that will continue to be the case. His heart has suffered massive damage to
three of the four chambers.”
“Keep me informed. Commander, I would like to see you and Lt. Paris
in my ready room as soon as possible.”
“Yes, Captain.” Chakotay looks at Caitlin, who nods and hops off the
table. She shoots me a sympathetic look before following him out the door.
I stick around Sickbay. B’Elanna doesn’t show, even though Kes says
she contacted her after me. I wait a little longer. Someone should be here
with him.
It takes two hours before the Doc finally backs away from the bed.
“He’s stabilized for the moment. Any further treatment will have to wait.”
I walk over to the bedside. “Will he make it?”
“I don’t know,” the hologram replies. “At this point, he won’t.
The damage to his heart is far greater than I originally thought. He needs a
replacement.”
“But you can do that, right?”
“I have the skill, yes. But we don’t carry such specialized equipment
on board. One would have to be made, and I don’t know if he has time for that.
I’m sorry,” he adds and walks away.
I look down at the face, deathly pale and so still. My friend. He had
chosen to stand by me, even after learning what an unprincipled cad I was.
He had believed in me before anyone else on this ship. And now he had saved
the most precious thing in my life–Caitlin. How do you begin to thank a guy
for that?
I close my eyes to choke back the tears and all of a sudden, I am
jogging through a corridor with Harry beside me. As we round a bend, we spot
Caitlin and B’Elanna walking ahead of us. I glance at Harry and he drops
behind me.
“One side! One side!” I blast between the two women, my hand moving
down to pinch Caitlin’s right cheek.
“Yeow!”
“Coming through! Coming through!” Harry bellows and B’Elanna yelps.
We both grin at them over our shoulders.
I open my eyes. The world tips, and I clutch the biobed. A memory?
Maybe? Oh gods, please.
The Doctor touches my shoulder. “Lieutenant, are you all right?”
“Yes. I think so.” I give Harry’s shoulder a squeeze. Perhaps there
was something I could do, after all.

Choices
Part 5

by Carly Hunter
copyright 1996

I hurry back to our quarters and replicate a bottle of scotch and
two glasses. I know he said not to interfere, but what further harm can be
done at this point in time? Within seconds, I stand in front of B’Elanna’s
quarters.
“Go away.”
The door is unlocked so I ignore the request. “Wrong answer.”
Her face is white-hot with fury. “Get out! Get out or I’ll throw
you out!”
Yikes! I forgot about her Klingon half. She probably could at that.
Remember Harry, Thomas. This is for him.
“Look,” I say as casually as I can. “I just needed a drink, and I
didn’t want to drink alone.”
“That’s never stopped you before.”
“No? Well, I thought you might want to join me.” I hold out a glass.
“No.”
“C’mon.”
“I said, no.”
“Fine, fine.” I sit down on the couch, much to her annoyance, pour out
a shot and down it for courage. “I’ll just drown my own sorrows then.”
Slowly, she sits down at the other end of the sofa. “Is he that bad?”
“Who?”
“Harry.”
I lean back. “He’s not good, B’Elanna. He took a shot in the chest.
The Doc’s doing his best, but it’s not enough. If we were back home, they
could pop in a replacement, but out here, well, you know.”
Her hands ball up into two white-knuckled fists. “I think I will take
that drink now, Paris.”
“Sure. No problem.” I pour out one for her and another for myself.
We drain the glasses and she holds hers out again.
“I suppose you think I should be with him.”
“I’d be lying if I said I didn’t.” I reply, refilling both glasses.
She peers into the amber liquid. “I don’t deserve to be.”
“Can I ask why?”
“Why not? You probably already know.” She smirks and empties her
glass.
“Okay. Why?”
“Because of what I’ve done.”
“What did you do?”
“Oh, come off it, Paris! You know! Everyone knows! The whole ship
has been talking about it for weeks now!” She slams down her glass and begins
to stalk up and down before me.
“Ah, hello? B’Elanna? In case you haven’t noticed, I haven’t exactly
been myself lately.”
She stops in her tracks. “Oh. Right. Sorry. See Rafael Orlando and
I have been working closely together to solve the problem with the gel packs.
He’s very charming and people started to talk.”
“Talk is talk. I’m sure I’ve had my share.”
The full lips crinkle a little at that remark. “You could say that.
Ask Caitlin about Jenny Delaney and watch her reaction.”
“I’m not an idiot, thank you.” I toss back my shot. “I’ve studied my
journal entries enough to know that’s one subject I stay away from. Far away.
Anyhow, we were talking about you.”
“Well, like you say, talk is talk, and I ignored it, but then Harry
got jealous. He didn’t accuse me or anything; he’s not that way. I could just
tell he tensed whenever I mentioned Rafael’s name. It made me angry that he
didn’t trust me, and the longer the project went on, the more stressed he
became, and the angrier I got.”
“Did you try to talk with Harry?”
“Of course, but he said nothing was wrong. Anyway, I started spending
more time with Rafael, out of defiance, as an escape, I don’t know. But I
swear to you it was only as friends until-” The dark eyes drop to the floor.
“Until?” I prod and refill the glasses.
She glances at the door like it’s an escape hatch on an exploding ship.
“Until three days ago.” She retakes her seat, her chin drooping to her chest.
“I don’t even know how it happened. One minute we were joking around,
celebrating our success at solving the problem and the next we were kissing.
I could have stopped it right there. I should have, but I didn’t. It was my
ultimate expression of anger at Harry. He didn’t trust me, and I was going to
show him, but all I did was prove him right.”
“Was it just the one night?”
“Yes. The next evening Rafael and I talked about what had happened.
Neither one of us was very comfortable with what occurred or the repercussions.
Since then, I’ve avoided Harry out of guilt. I can’t face him. I never wanted
to hurt him like this.”
We both fall silent and empty our glasses. She reaches for the bottle,
offering to refill mine. I decline. I’m feeling a little warm already.
I take a deep breath. “B’Elanna, I’ll be honest. You’re going to have
to make a decision. I think you already know that. You either stay with Harry
or you leave him. To leave, in some respects, is the easier choice, but if you
leave, you’re turning your back on a great guy who loves you. He said as much
to me yesterday. On the other hand, if you stay, you’re looking at a damaged
relationship that will never be quite the same again. Is your relationship
with Harry worth the effort? Do you love him?”
“I don’t know. I thought I did, but if I had, would I have-”
“No, forget Orlando. He doesn’t enter the picture. Think of Harry.
Think of all the good and bad times you’ve had together. Now listen to your
gut. What does it say?”
Her eyes close, the ridged brow knotting in concentration. “I don’t
know. I do care about him, but I feel so guilty. You don’t betray one’s mate.
And now with him lying in Sickbay,” A gleaming tear wriggles from between the
dark lashes. “I could lose him even after I decide.”
I scoot across the sofa and put my arm around her shoulders. “You
haven’t lost him yet, and when he wakes, he’s going to need someone to help
him recover. Do you want to be that someone?”
She gives a brief laugh. “Harry always says my bedside manner is worse
than the Doctor’s. He says it gets him back on duty twice as fast.” She drags
the back of her hand across her cheek. “You know, when you grow up like I did
with my dad walking out, you never see relationships as permanent, and anytime
the other person does the leaving, it drags all that pain to the surface again.
But I’ve never been afraid of that with Harry. I’ve always known he would
stand by me as a friend or as a lover.”
“Sickbay to Lt. Torres.”
Her eyes widen considerably and dart up to mine. “Go ahead, Doctor.”
“Could you come up here, please. A situation has arisen in which your
assistance would prove invaluable.”
“H-Harry?”
“Yes, it involves Ensign Kim and time is of the essence.”
“I’ll be right there.” She stands up and nervously smoothes her
uniform.
“Will you be okay? Do you want me to come with you?” I ask.
“No. I can handle this. He needs me.”
“All right, but if you need someone, come find me.”
“I will.” She pauses at the door. “Thanks, Tom.”
“No charge.”
I sit back as she disappears. There, Harry, I’ve done what I can.
I wish I could do more. With a heavy sigh, I get to my feet, picking up the
bottle and the glasses. I toss the glasses down the reclamator. I don’t need
them anymore. I can drink straight from the bottle.
When I get back to our quarters, I don’t bother with the couch.
The floor suits my needs. I plop down and dump a big load of scotch down my
throat. It burns like a plasma stream. I need that. I want it to hurt.
And then I want someone with dusky red hair to put their arms around me and
make it all better.
Everything is falling apart. Voyager. Harry and B’Elanna. Harry
himself. I don’t know how much longer Caitlin and I can last as we are.
She wasn’t fooling me last night with that take it slow and trust stuff. She
knows there’s nothing left to save. We’ve been kidding ourselves.
Let’s be honest, Thomas. You need her a helluva lot more than she
needs you. Look at yourself. All this time, Caitlin’s been so strong,
suffering in silence, but always putting on a smile for you, encouraging you,
and look at youself! Sitting on the floor, crying into a scotch bottle.
She needs someone like you like she needs a hole in the head.
Oh, but you need her, don’t you, little man? How could you have gotten
through this without her? She’s what has kept you going, isn’t she? She’s
what has kept you poking around in that dust-covered attic you call a brain.
She and the thought of flying this ship. You’re pathetic. You couldn’t leave
her now if you tried.
For gods’ sake, why did you stay in the first place? You knew from
the beginning it would be a mistake. Why did you agree to stay? You’ve only
compounded the heartache. Did you think it would get any easier to cut her
loose as time went along? Or were you simply foolish enough to believe things
could be what they once were? Or maybe, maybe you were just too afraid to face
all this on your own? That’s it, isn’t it? That’s what it all boils down to.
Your fear. Your cowardice. Always wanting to be the venerated hero and
failing miserably. How many lives did you ruin this time, Paladin?
No! No, that can’t be it. It just can’t be! Oh gods, why did this
have to happen? Why? Because illusions never last, Thomas. You should know
that by now. Sooner or later, reality catches up with you. But this wasn’t
an illusion. This was my life, and I want it back. Is that too much to ask?
Dammit, I’ve worked too hard for this. I want things back the way they were,
whatever that was. I want my life back. I want to know who I am.

Caitlin finds me later still sitting on the floor of our darkened
quarters. I give her a hopeless grin. “Hi, honey. I’m home.” I spread my
arms and knock over the bottle. A little of the amber liquid spills onto the
carpet. “Oops.”
She frowns and picks up the bottle. “How much have you drunk?”
“Not nearly enough. Gimme.”
She dumps the bottle down the reclamator. “I don’t think so. You’ve
had enough.”
“Are you mad?” I sit bolt upright. “Do you know how much that stuff
cost me?”
“Mmm-hmm.”
I sigh and sink back against the sofa. I’m in no condition to fight
with her. I don’t want to anyway. I lean forward and bury my face in
my hands.
Caitlin kneels beside me. “Tom-” she begins.
I can’t help it. I throw my arms around her and she cradles my head
against her breast. The tears which have been simmering below the surface
pour down my face and onto her uniform. She rocks me gently, smoothing
my hair.
“Shhh. He’ll be all right. Shh. Everything will be just fine.”
I cling to her, reassured by the beat of her heart, drawing strength
from it. “Caitlin, please don’t leave me. I need you.”
“It’s all right. I’m here. I’m not going to leave.”
I look up, her image shimmering through my tears. She is so beautiful,
both inside and out. “I’m sorry.” I drag the heel of my palm across
my cheeks. “I didn’t mean to fall apart like this.”
She nods. “It’s all right. We all have to from time to time.” She
sits down beside me and takes my left hand in hers. “I stopped by Sickbay.
B’Elanna’s helping the Doctor construct a artificial heart. Harry won’t make
it without one.”
“I know. The Doc said as much to me earlier. Did you know about the
trouble she and Harry were having?”
She nods. “I had heard the rumors, if that’s what you mean, but I’ve
hardly seen her. She’s been keeping strange hours lately, and over the past
week, my attention has been focused a little closer to home.”
I stare at our clasped hands. “Yeah, I guess it has at that.”
“Hey.” She lifts my chin until our eyes meet. “You come first.”
I catch her hand and press her fingers to my lips. “Caitlin, I-I
don’t know how I’ll ever be able to thank you. You’ve been so supportive and
patient.”
“Patient? Me? Never.” She grins.
“Yes. You.” I reply with all seriousness.
The saucy grin vanishes, leaving in its wake an expression of fragile
hope. If she keeps looking at me like this, I know I will kiss her. My hand
slips behind her head and pulls her closer to me. Only millimeters separate
our lips when the door chimes. I release her and struggle to my feet,
tottering into the bathroom as she gets the door.
I lean heavily on the basin, hating whoever rang the chime and then
thanking them silently for stopping me before I promised her more than I could
deliver. The cold water runs over my fingers. I splash my face and cup
my hands, taking several swallows. As I dry off, I check the mirror. Thomas,
you look like hell. “Tell me something I don’t know,” I reply.
When I finally open the bathroom door, Caitlin stands beside the bed
in her robe. The pile of clothes on the floor tells me she is naked
beneath it, and I feel the familiar warmth gather in my stomach.
“Who was at the door?” I ask. “Was it about Harry?”
She shakes her head and walks slowly toward me, the robe opening wider
with each stride. I meet her halfway, the heat flowing into my belly in a
torrent.
“Tom, please. I need you.” Her mossy eyes swim in tears.
I incline my head and kiss her, feeling the robe slip away in advance
of my fingers. It falls in a crumpled heap to the floor, and she kneels
to help me off with my boots. As she tosses them aside, I kneel and let
my lips trace the path of her shoulder up to her neck. She moans softly and
opens the front of my shirt. I place my right hand under her breast and thumb
the tight nipple gently. Her arms encircle my neck and we kiss. Gradually,
her hands slip lower, exploring my chest until she reaches the waistband of
my pants.
I am so hard I can hardly see straight. Through the fabric, her
fingers stroke my erection. “Please.” I groan and feel the waistband open.
Pulling away for one moment, I rip off my shirt and toss it blindly
aside. Caitlin spreads her robe on the floor and presses me down onto it.
“Here?”
“Now.” She says, caressing the flesh on my neck with her teeth.
Her nails rake lightly down my flanks and tiny stars dance in my head.
I shudder beneath her. Cait. It’s what I called her in the journals; it’s
what I call her now. She purrs and slips down further to remove the rest of
my clothes.
Once they’re gone, she crouches between my legs and traces the scars
on my stomach and thighs with feather-light kisses. Conscious thought?
What’s that? She laughs quietly. I raise my head to smile at her, but let it
fall back as she begins to kiss my balls. Ohh gods. Didn’t last night teach
me anything? She licks the head of my penis, once, twice, bathing its entire
length with her tongue; then, she swallows it whole in one moist stroke. Damn.
This isn’t fair. She knows how to turn me into jelly. How could I ever
forget this?
I bite my lip, but a groan escapes, and she moves up to catch
the next one in her mouth as she envelopes me with an exquisite swiftness.
Ohhh gods. She feels so good. . .Rocking back and forth. . .Fucking herself
. . .On me. . .Slow. . .Oh yeah, drives me crazy. . .Nice and slow. . .
Ohh gods, try to hold back. . .So hard. . .Speeding up. . .Must be close
herself. . .I hear it. . .My name. . .”Tom, I love you”. . .Trying to hold. . .
Can’t. . .Can’t hold back. . .Ohhhh gods!
“Cait, I love you!”
She tosses her head back with a loud moan. You can hear us in the
corridor probably. Who cares? She falls forward onto my chest and I hug
her tightly.
For several minutes, we don’t move. I’m still inside her, a little
limp, but not for long. She raises up on her elbows and we stare at each
other, tongue-tied. Finally, she leans down and her lips brush mine.
“Thank you.”
“For what?” I reply glibly and quickly realize it’s the wrong thing
to say when her eyes dart away. “Sorry.” I whisper and bring her head down
to kiss her again, taking my time, exploring her mouth gently and thoroughly
with none of our earlier desperation. “Bed?” I ask hopefully.
“It might be more comfortable,” she says with a tiny grin.
I nod in agreement and instantly regret it as she pulls away, leaving
me cold and vulnerable. I think that I can’t get back inside her fast enough,
but once we lie down, we take it step-by-step, touching, kissing, cuddling,
becoming reacquainted all over again, and my fear vanishes long before I move
between her legs.

Choices
Part 6

by Carly Hunter
copyright 1996

I wake the next morning before the alarm. The bed is a mess.
The floor is a mess. But we aren’t. At least, I hope not. Cait lies in my
arms, the strength she has shown over the past week stripped away. She looks
as vulnerable as a seduced virgin. I lift my head to kiss her and she hums
in drowsy pleasure.
*BEEEP!*
With a groan, she reaches over me and shuts off the alarm. “Good
morning,” she mumbles.
“Good morning to you.”
Her sleepy eyes fly open, glancing at me and the clothes scattered
across the floor. I smile to dispel her fears.
“You-you don’t have a problem with-” She stammers.
“With what we did? No. No problem. I enjoyed it. Really,” I add,
stroking her cheek with my finger.
“But I promised we’d take it slow. I don’t want you to feel guilty
about what we did.”
“I don’t. What we did felt so right no argument could have
overridden it. We’ve needed each other for over a week, but I’ve been too
confused to allow myself to admit it, until last night, that is.” I say
with a mischievous grin.
Her eyes glisten like polished crystals. “Then you won’t mind if I
kiss you?”
“Mind? I insist on it. This very minute.” I flip her onto her back,
pinning her beneath me.
Her feet stroke the back of my calves, and I nibble at a violet splotch
I left on her neck. She groans and her back arches sharply.
“Hmm. I’ll have to remember that spot.” I whisper. “I can’t be the
only one turned into jelly around here.”
“We’ll see.” She rakes her nails over my buttocks and lower back, and
the room twists like a glitter-filled kaleidoscope.
I grope desperately for some measure of control. “You play dirty.”
I growl. “I’m going to have to teach you a lesson.”
Cait giggles. “Oh, you should. I’ve been such a bad girl.”
Several minutes of “painful punishment” later, we lie back in relative
contentment. I seize her earlobe in my teeth and emit an evil chuckle. “And
now that I know just what you like, my dear wife…”
“I’ll be putty in your hands.” She finishes with a smile. “Mmmm,
sounds divine.”
“It does, doesn’t it?” I ask, pulling her closer.
She raises her head and glances at the chronometer. “Oh shit!”
She bolts for the bathroom, snatching up her robe along the way. I lie back
and stretch, fully intending to join her once the water comes on. Maybe it’s
a good thing she doesn’t have the day off. If she did, I’m not sure either one
of us would be able to move tomorrow morning.
“Oh gods!” Something clatters to the floor.
“Cait?” I’m up in a flash. “Cait, what’s wrong?”
She sits on the side of the tub, pale and shaking, a tricorder open at
her feet. “I didn’t know. Oh gods, I didn’t know.” She mutters and looks up
at me pleadingly. “After your accident, I didn’t think to check.”
I kneel before her and pick up the tricorder. Elevated HCG levels.
Pregnant! Almost two weeks by the scan. Our eyes meet again, hers dialated
by more than a touch of fear.
“How do you feel about this?” she asks.
I sit back on my heels, numbed by the shock. “Does it matter?”
“Yes. It matters very much.”
“In all honesty, I don’t know. I mean, I can’t even remember knowing
you for that long.”
Her gaze drops to the floor. “I’m sorry. I had no idea. If I had-”
I tilt her chin up. “Hey, if you had, how would that have changed
things? Look, maybe I haven’t sorted out how I feel, but I do think I know how
the other Tom Paris would feel.”
Her eyes open wide. “You do?”
The tricorder clatters to the ground for a second time. I clasp her
face gently between my hands and kiss her repeatedly. “And I think he would
tell you that you were beautiful and that he loved you and that he is scared
out of his wits, just like me.” I grin, forcing a giggle from her.
“You aren’t the only one.” She says. “I have to go to Sickbay for
confirmation. Then, I’ll request Tuvok to restrict me to bridge and
administrative duties.” She studies me for a moment. “Are you sure you’re
all right with this?”
“I’m not sure of anything at the moment, to be quite honest, but you’re
having my child, and that fact alone puts me by your side.” I get to my feet
and offer her a hand up. “Shower for three, mother-to-be?”
She bites back more than a smile as she rises. “Please.”
“Right this way, then. We have a standard Starfl-whoops!”
Cait grabs my arm and spins me toward her. Without a word, she wraps
her arms around my neck and kisses me. “I love you, Tom Paris, whichever one
you are.”
I return the kiss without any hesitation and then turn on the shower.
She steps in and I follow, my feet no longer touching the tiles, but floating
a centimeter or two above them. I don’t know why I’m so happy. I should be
nervous as hell, and I am, believe me. Yet, beneath that, there is something
else, something much stronger. Love maybe? I said I loved her last night,
but that was during the ever-compromising heat of the moment. Does it still
hold true now?
I rub the soap over her shoulders, down the curve of her back, and
around to the pale, flat stomach. She glances up and smiles as my hand dawdles
on her belly. I swear, even though I know it’s impossible, I swear I feel the
tiny life in there, the life I helped put in there, the life she *wants*
in there. Her lips lift to mine and we kiss. I feel both warm and cold at the
same time, and I realize at that moment I’ll do anything to protect the both
of them. They are my life now.

We dress and head down to Sickbay, grinning and holding hands
like teenagers. Too hell with PDA regulations. As the doors open, we
halt abruptly, the smiles fading quickly from both our lips. The Doctor and
Kes stand in the surgical bay bending over Harry. Oh shit! I had forgotten.
Harry, I’m sorry. My earlier happiness crumbles to dust.
Cait squeezes my arm. “We’ll come back later.”
“No. No, I want to stay. Give me the tricorder. I’ll see that the
Doc gets the readings.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. Go on or you’ll be late.” I try to smile, but fail miserably.
His life for that of my child. Why? Why did there have to be a choice?
Cait kisses me. “I’ll find you later. It’s not your fault,” she adds.
“Harry would have wanted us to be happy.”
“I know.” I stare down at the floor, not quite willing to forgive
myself just yet.
She casts one last glance at the surgical bay and leaves. I walk over
and hop up on the biobed closest to them.
“Is there something you need, Lieutenant?” The Doctor asks with more
than his usual impatience. “We are rather busy at the moment.”
“It can wait. How’s he doing?”
“So far, so good.” Kes replies. “There has been no sign of rejection
and the device, itself, is working perfectly. B’Elanna and the Doctor worked
all night to create it.”
“Where is B’Elanna?”
“I ordered her to her quarters.” The Doc says. “She seemed to be
under the erroneous assumption that, like me, she did not need sleep. There.
I believe we’re ready to close. Micro suture.”
“How long before he regains consciousness?”
“A few hours if all goes as it should, and I see no reason why it
shouldn’t. By the way, what is the tricorder for?” He nods at the device
sitting beside me on the bed.
“What? Oh, that. It has Cait’s readings for you to check.”
Kes’s blue eyes glow with excitement. “Tom, do you mean?”
“I think so. Two weeks by my interpretation.” I grin nervously.
“Pretty amazing, huh?”
“Amazing? I might go so far as to say miraculous.” The Doctor quips.
“Doctor.” Kes chides softly.
“He knows I’m being facetious.” He replies defensively and then
smiles. “Congratulations, Lieutenant.”
“Thanks, Doc.”
After receiving confirmation of Cait’s readings, I dash back to our
quarters and return with a PADD of my homework. It’s going to be a long wait,
but I want Harry to be the first person I tell outside Kes and the Doc. I owe
him that.
B’Elanna stops by at 1045 hours. She looks almost as bad as Harry,
with the dark circles under her eyes and a new, seemingly permanent crease of
worry in her brow. “How is he?” she asks.
“Holding his own.” I reply softly. “The heart’s working fine
according to the Doc. I’m just waiting around because I’ve got nothing better
to do.”
She smiles. “Yeah, right, Tom. I believe that.” Her hand moves
gently over Harry’s face, tracing the features with an extraordinary depth of
feeling, her fingertips doing what her lips would do only in private. “You
are right, Tom. I don’t want to lose him. I want to be here for him.”
“I thought as much. And I’m willing to bet he feels the same way.
He strikes me as a very forgiving person.”
“I hope so.” She squeezes the pale hand, holding it briefly up to
her own heart. “I have to get back to Engineering. If he asks, tell him I
was here.” I think she’s so tired and torn up she could be a puddle of tears
at the snap of a finger, but she clears her throat and draws herself together.
Strong, just like Cait.
“I’ll tell him, B’Elanna.” Whether he asks or not, I add silently.
“Thanks, Tom. You’re a good friend, to both of us.”
“No problem.”
She almost walks past me, but then turns and gives me a quick hug.
“I almost forgot. Congratulations.”
“Wha-? Oh, thanks. How did you hear?”
“Rollins switched positions with Caitlin, and through him Sutherland
found out, and Nicoletti overheard the conversation, and well, it’s spreading
like wildfire throughout Engineering and probably through the rest of the ship,
as well. Another infant in the nursery. Harry will be thrilled.”
I shake my head. “Great. The first person I want to know is going to
be the last person to find out at this rate.” I glance over at my friend.
“But he’s going to hear it from me, not some grapevine.”
“He’ll like that even better. I’ll stop by later.”
I pick up the PADD I had put down. “Sure. See ya.”

It’s almost 1200 hours before he stirs. I am by his side like a shot.
“Paris?” he asks weakly.
“Hey buddy, how do you feel?” I smile down hopefully.
“Like someone kicked me in the chest over and over again.”
“You took a phaser shot there. You saved Cait’s life. You pushed her
out of the way and got shot in the process.”
“Oh.” He frowns. “Right. I kind of remember.”
“The Doc and B’Elanna created an artificial heart for you. It was put
in this morning.”
“The Doc and-and B’Elanna?” The lead-lidded eyes widen ever so
slightly.
“That’s right. Look, I know you said not to, but I talked with her.
In fact, she was here just a little over an hour ago. She still loves you,
Harry. I hope you can give her another chance.”
“I-I don’t know. I-”
“No. Don’t decide now. Wait until your head clears.” Then, I grin.
I can’t hold it back any longer. “The Doc’s going to kick me out soon, but
before I go, I want you to be the first person I tell this tidbit. Are you
ready for a shock?”
He frowns again. “You’ve got lousy timing, Paris. Replace a man’s
ticker and you want to give him a shock?”
“It’s good news. I promise.”
“Okay. What is it?” He sighs wearily and I can feel the Doc’s
needle-like glare pricking my shoulders.
“Cait’s pregnant. You didn’t just save her; you saved our baby, too.”
My voice crumbles. “I’ll never forget this, Harry. Never. Neither will
my kid.”
He smiles as best he can in his condition. “It’s okay. You would’ve
done the same for me. When’s she due?”
“Not for eight months, at least, thank the gods. If she went into
labor now, I-”
“You’d be right there beside her.” He squeezes my hand slightly.
“No charge, Tom. There never is between friends.”

********************

It’s been four weeks since my accident, and I think some of the pieces
of the Tom Paris jigsaw puzzle are finally starting to fit. Even Voyager is
back to her old self, thanks to some scrounging by Neelix.
Harry is up and about, but still taking it easy under B’Elanna’s
protective glare. The Doc says the replacement is doing well and Harry should
make a full recovery. I hold out the same hope for his and B’Elanna’s
relationship.
Tonight, I took Cait to Lake Como to stare up at the stars, but she
couldn’t take the waves. I barely shut the program down in time. Poor kid.
She’s having a devil of a time with morning, noon, and night sickness. It has
her going to bed almost two hours earlier than normal.
A few minutes ago, I tiptoed in and brought the covers up around her
shoulders, before sitting down to watch her sleep. Ours. Our child.
Somewhere beneath that still flat stomach our child grows. It doesn’t seem
possible, and yet, it is. Tricorders don’t lie about these things. Neither
do holograms. Maybe once it starts to show, I’ll believe it, but maybe not
even then.
Every hour, I jump back and forth between nervousness, excitement,
ecstasy and downright terror. No matter how much I read or discuss the matter
with other fathers, I don’t feel prepared to handle the upcoming events.
I mean, once you’re on this ride, it doesn’t stop, and I wonder just how good a
father I can be. And then, I think of Rowan. Like some of my other memories,
I can recall him in brief snatches now. I can remember telling him stories and
holding him. It calms me down, and I think, yeah, I can do this. Piece of
cake. Riiight, Thomas.
But this is what it’s all about, isn’t it? Loving someone and creating
something out of that love. Amazing. The whole thing is simply amazing:
Cait, the child, the process, everything.
It’s getting kind of late now. I should probably get some sleep, too.
I’ve only been back on-duty for four days. It wouldn’t look good for me to be
late in the morning.
I undress and crawl under the covers, snuggling up to Cait and placing
my hand protectively on her belly. Goodnight, little Madeleine or Harry,
whichever you may be. Try not to make your mom quite so sick in the morning.
Goodnight, Cait. I love you. I’ll always love you.

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From: crime@bu.edu (mary self)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: VOY: Proposal (P) 1/4
Date: 6 Sep 1996 11:42:27 GMT
Organization: Boston University
Lines: 398
Message-ID: <50p2n3$igb@news.bu.edu>
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DISCLAIMERS: The characters, except for Caitlin Matthews, belong to Paramount.
The song, Joan of Arc, is by Leonard Cohen and the tiny quote
which follows it is from Walt Whitman’s `Song of Myself’.
This story and the character of Caitlin Matthews are
my creations.

THE PARIS JOURNALS, vol. VII

Proposal
Part 1

by Carly Hunter
copyright 1996

My eyes opened slowly. 0550. A little over an hour before the alarm
went off. Quietly, I rolled over, propping myself up on one elbow. Cait was
still asleep, her auburn hair strewn over the pillow like thousands of
silken threads. The merest hint of a smile lay on her lips. As I watched her,
I mouthed the words. Will you marry me? Like so many times before, she
didn’t answer.
I brushed a strand of hair off her cheek. We had dealt each other
a lot of pain over the past few years, but I thought, I hoped, it was all
behind us. No more break-ups, and maybe that was why I was so nervous.
The last time I brought up the subject of matrimony we split up a month
or so later.
When we finally got back together, we tried to take things slow, but
that didn’t last very long. Pretty soon, we were almost living together,
spending the night in whoever’s quarters were the closest. I had clothes in
her room and vice versa. At our age, marriage just seemed to be the next step,
logically and emotionally, but try as I might I couldn’t broach the subject.
I talked it over with Harry. He told me to swallow hard and ask her.
Big help. I kept telling him I was simply waiting for the right moment, but
he knew better and so did I.
Cait stirred beside me and groaned, the soft moss eyes blinking open.
“What are you doing?”
“Watching you sleep. I do it from time to time.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“You weren’t supposed to. You’re supposed to be asleep.” My fingers
slid down her cheek and around the curve of her jaw. “You are so beautiful,
Cait, sometimes I wonder if this is all a dream.”
She scooted beneath me and brought my head down for a long,
loving kiss. “Now do you believe I’m real?”
A devilish smile crept across my face. “I’m not sure. I think I need
some more convincing. My dreams can be pretty realistic, you know.”
Her arms curled about my neck. I snuck a quick peek at the
chronometer. Yeah. We had the time.
A little later, Cait pulled on her turtleneck as I stepped out of the
bathroom, and I caught a glimpse of red as the shirt came down and she tucked
it into her jumpsuit. She wore the matching underwear she had replicated a
month ago. Everytime I saw it I wanted to rip it off her. Okay, okay. So I
wanted to do that with most of her underclothes, but it went double for that
ensemble, something about the colour maybe.
“Are you wearing that?”
She glanced up, startled from pulling a boot out from under the bed.
“The uniform?”
“No, not the uniform. The um-”
Grinning, she stood up and raised the shirt, flashing me a quick
glimpse of red colubrian satin. “Why? Is there some Fleet regulation about
wearing sexy lingerie under a uniform?”
I stepped over and pulled her into my arms. “Gods, I hope not.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“No problem. I just didn’t think you would wear that on-duty.”
“Well,” Her hands slid up my arms and down my chest, swirling tiny
patterns in the still moist hair. “Look at it as being diversionary.”
“Diversionary?”
“Mmm-hmm. Whenever you get bored at conn, you can think about what I’m
wearing a few decks away, and *poof!* boredom’s gone.”
I had to laugh. “There’s just one problem with that idea.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. I might not be able to turn my thoughts back to my work.”
She frowned. “Hmmmm. That could be a problem, with you piloting the
ship and all. I guess I’ll just have to forego wearing nice lingerie. For the
safety of the crew, of course.”
“Of course. The crew’s safety always comes first.” I murmured,
pulling down her shirt collar to nibble her neck. “Our personal lives must
always come second. Starfleet rule.”
Her head rolled to the opposite side. “But I’m not Starfleet.”
“Good. Then you can wear whatever you like on duty.”
“Omigosh! On duty!” She pushed me away. “We’ll miss breakfast at
this rate, and you’re not even dressed. Now, where’s my other boot?”
I looked at the chronometer. “Holy-! You’re right.” I dashed for
the closet and kicked something with my little toe. “Goddamn! What the hell?”
“You found it!” She exclaimed and held the boot up triumphantly.
Groaning, I hobbled into the closet hoping that a day which had started
out with such promise wasn’t headed too swiftly downhill.
Actually, it was destined to be a slow day. The engines were down
while B’Elanna and her crew changed the dilithium crystals, which meant she was
not in the best of moods at breakfast. It also meant we were dead in the water
until they finished running diagnostics on the replacements.
About 1045 hours, Neelix scampered onto the bridge, his face ablaze
with excitement. “Captain, I noticed that we will be passing through the
Granthion system in two days.”
“Yes, that is correct.” Janeway replied.
“Well, if I may make a suggestion, there’s a small planet there, Joro,
inhabited by a very generous people. They grow the most beautiful orchids.
You should see them, Mr. Vulcan.” He turned toward Tuvok. “One of them has
the most exquisite . . .”
The Captain glanced at Chakotay, who rolled his eyes. “Your point,
Mr. Neelix?” she asked.
“What? Oh, yes. Well, they raise just about every fruit and vegetable
known in this quadrant, and as I happen to be acquainted with a friend of one
of the Interior Minister’s adjutants, I thought this would provide an excellent
opportunity to augment our supplies, as well as provide some much-needed shore
leave for the crew. I would be happy to make the arrangements.”
Janeway looked over the bridge. Chakotay nodded his agreement, and I
began looking forward to the prospect of my feet touching soil again.
“Very well, Mr. Neelix. Have your friend inform the minister’s
adjutant of our request.”
“Yes, Captain. Right away.” He scurried back to the lift. “You won’t
regret this.”
The Captain turned toward Chakotay with an eyebrow raised. “What was
it you were saying at breakfast, Commander? Something about shore leave?”
He only grinned in response.

“So what’s this place like?” I leaned against the wall munching on a
carrot while Neelix bustled about the kitchen cleaning up after the first
lunch shift.
“I haven’t seen it in quite a while, but the last time I was there I
stayed at my friend’s house on Lake Rishu, a beautiful lake with water as blue
as a Trabian sapphire. It’s located at the base of the Mooah mountains, which
send the intoxicating breath of rishus down on the wind. That’s how the lake
got its name. Rishus are a gorgeous flower, bright red with white centers,
about so big.” He made a circle with his hands about the size of a grapefruit.
“They grow on a vine in the higher altitudes, and their leaves make the most
succulent salad, especially if you combine them with some meelaas, a little
roasted leola root, some-.”
I sighed impatiently. “Um, Neelix, can we skip the cooking lesson.
I want to know more about the planet.”
“Of course.” He winked and jabbed me in the ribs with his elbow. “Are
you and the Lieutenant planning a little shore leave? Hmmm? Hee-hee-hee.”
“Well, yeah. I ah-” I paused and moved closer to him to whisper.
“Look this is just between you and me, okay? No one else. Well, Harry already
knows, but no one else. Understand?”
He bobbed his head with enthusiasm, his golden eyes glittering.
I crossed my fingers and hoped I wasn’t making a mistake by telling him.
“You see, I’m thinking of proposing to Cait, and I figured if I could
find some quiet romantic spot on Joro I might do it.”
His eyes widened as his mouth spread in a huge smile. He grasped my
hand and wrung it furiously. “Congratulations! I always did think you made a
fine couple. Kes and Valaxis will be thrilled to hear this.”
“Neelix! It’s just between you and me. No one else. Not Kes, not
Valaxis, no one. I haven’t asked Cait, yet.”
“Asked Cait what?” inquired a female voice behind me.
I spun around and my knees almost buckled. Damn! “Er -ah, if you
wanted to stay overnight on the surface or beam back up.”
“Oh?” Cait raised a doubtful eyebrow.
“Yes.” Neelix joined in. “He was asking me about accomodations, but
unfortunately every time I’ve been there I’ve stayed with my friend. So I’m
afraid I’ve been no help.”
She nodded, but I don’t think she bought the story. “Harry’s looking
for you, Tom. Something about splitting a crystal? He didn’t go into any
details.”
“Oh geez, I forgot. Thanks for your help, Neelix.” I winked at him.
“Not at all. Wish I could’ve been of more service. Good luck.”
“Thanks.” I beamed and dashed out.
I found Harry in Engineering. B’Elanna had replaced about most of the
dilithium crystals this morning and set aside some of the fragments. My idea
was to make a pendant with one of them as an engagement gift for Cait.
“Well, it’s about time.” Harry grabbed my arm as I came through
the door.
“Sorry. I was talking to Neelix about Joro. Seeing if he knew of some
quiet, romantic spot where I could-”
My friend held up his hand. “Save it. We’ve only got a couple of
minutes before we have to be back on the bridge. I’ve scanned the crystals;
they’re safe for wearing. No radiation or anything like that. So pick one.”
“Hey, slow down, will ya? It’s not that simple. It’s got to be just
right.” I scooped up two crystals and watched the work-station light refract
through them.
“You know, I was wrong about you, Paris. You’re not a romantic; you’re
downright sentimental.”
I glared at him. “Says who?”
“Says me. Anyone else would simply replicate his girlfriend a present,
but noooo. You want to make one out of an engineering crystal from the ship
you fell in love on.” He grinned. “Actually, I’ve been thinking of doing the
same thing for B’Elanna, not as an engagement present, but for her birthday.
Hey, that one’s not bad.”
“Nah, too big. She’s not a flashy dresser. I want something she can
wear off-duty at Sandrine’s or to an embassy reception.”
“Oh, right. We get invited to a lot of those out here.” He snickered.
“This one isn’t too bad.” I picked up another crystal and placed it
under the scope. “Yeah, this should do nicely. See. Two cuts, right there
and there, should leave it with a nice oblong shape.”
“Yep, I think you’re right. A little polishing, and you’re all set.
How are you going to mount it?”
“I’ve been think about that.” I eyed him hopefully while slipping the
stone in my pocket. “Chell has done some jewelrywork in the past and I was
thinking maybe you could-”
Harry’s eyes opened wide. “No. Oh, no. I’ve had to do some pretty
fast talking already to get these crystals from B’Elanna. I am not talking
to Chell. He’ll have gods only know what rumor spread about me throughout
the ship.”
“Which is precisely why I can’t talk to him. Either Cait will find out
the truth or she’ll think I’m having an affair, and I can’t have that.”
“As opposed to B’Elanna thinking it about me?”
“Harry, Harry, Harry.” I swung my arm around his shoulders and guided
him out of Engineering and toward a waiting lift. “Would I let that happen?
No, I figured the two of us can come up with some convincing story to tell him.
If we can’t we must be losing our touch.”
“Your touch, maybe. Why not have the computer do it on the holodeck?
You could replicate the chain and mounting.”
“That’s an idea. And I could use an image of Cait to test out the
chain’s length before replicating it. Harry,” I said, clapping him on the
shoulder. “You’re a genius.”
“Uh-huh. If I’m such a genius, how is it that neither of us thought
to give the lift a command?”
I shrugged good-naturedly and grinned. “Bridge.”

My eyes roamed over the helm. It was going to be a long, dull
afternoon shift. B’Elanna was having trouble alligning the crystals, so we
were still sans engines. I shifted my position and felt the crystal do
likewise. Cait. Where was she? Her and her underwear. Closing my eyes, I
pictured her standing before me, those green eyes regarding me with a playful
innocence. Without a word, my hands would glide up her bare arms, caressing
the skin with small snake-like lines. Then, taking my own sweet time, I’d slip
a strap from first one shoulder, then the other, my fingers sliding down over
her breasts to meet in the valley above the clasp. Yeah. Thata way.
Unfastening the catch and letting the bra fall to the- Whoa there, Thomas,
remember where you are. All right, so her little idea worked. I wasn’t bored
anymore.
I snickered silently. I could still remember when she wouldn’t give me
the time of day, or to be blunt, when she hated my guts. I, on the other hand,
was oblivious to her existence for the longest time because I hardly ever saw
her except in passing in the corridors.
When she first came on board, she stayed pretty much to herself, not
socializing, only doing her duty. She had this experienced toughness that kept
everyone else, even other Maquis at bay, almost like that of an ex-con. I even
wondered if she had been in prison, and maybe that was what initially piqued
my curiosity. I mean, usually I could read people pretty well after all those
years of hustling pool and prison, but not her. She was a solid block of ice.
The only ruptures anyone had seen in her facade were full-blown
breaches of anger. Rumor had had it that Ashmore had made a few offensive
remarks to Henley one evening and Cait had flattened him with one punch.
Not many women could throw a punch like that, and yours truly was smart enough
to know he didn’t want to be on the receiving end.
At the time, she worked in stellar cartography with Jenny Delaney, and
they hated each other. Almost every other evening, Jenny would tell me how
Cait had annoyed her that day. It became a real broken record.

“Tom? Did you hear a word I said?”
“Sure, I did, Jenny. You were telling me how Matthews irritated you
today. Funny thing is, she came in just as you started.”
I nodded toward the figure occupying a solitary stool at the bar, the
auburn hair pulled back in its usual efficient ponytail. She tipped the stool
back on two of its legs while she waited for her order.
Jenny’s head whipped around. “Great. Just what I needed, and I’ll bet
she hadn’t finished those specs I told her to do. No one could have done them
this fast. Excuse me.”
She rose and began her slow, shifting walk to the bar. I watched,
vaguely interested in the undulation beneath the black fabric. “Wait a minute.
I’ll come with you. My -er glass seems to be empty.”
Jenny stopped beside Cait. “Crewman, did you finish those specs.”
Cait didn’t even look at her. “Yes.”
“Sir.” Delaney prompted.
“What?”
“Sir. I am your superior. You should say `yessir’.”
Hard jade eyes stared at Jenny. “I only say sir to people I respect.”
“Don’t be insubordinate, Matthews, or I’ll report you to
Commander Chakotay.”
“Go right ahead. You will anyway. Maybe this time he’ll finally take
me out of cartography.”
And confine you to quarters for six months at the rate you’re going,
I finished silently in my head. Chakotay had been running interference for
her, kind of like he had for the other Maquis, but he couldn’t do it forever,
and she had already been through one of Tuvok’s protocol classes.
“Look, Delaney. I’ve finished those damn specs, and I’ve completed
my shift. Now leave me alone.”
Jenny drew herself up stiffly and turned to me. “Tom, you’re a
witness. She was rude and insubordinate.”
“`She was rude and insubordinate.'” Cait mocked. She slammed down her
glass and stood up, a tightly coiled spring ready to pounce, and I found
myself instinctively preparing to intercede. “Permission to speak freely,
`sir’?”
“Not granted.” Jenny said.
“Tough.” Cait lowered her voice, but the threat still carried its
punch. “Get the hell off my case and stay out of my sight. It’s bad enough I
have to see you during my shift; I shouldn’t have to off-duty, as well.”
To my relief, she turned on her heels and stormed out of the bar.
“That bi*ch. She hasn’t heard the last of this.”
I winced. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s a cat fight. Besides,
I could sympathize with Cait. There were times when I still felt like
an outsider.
“C’mon, Jenny. Let’s drop it. She’s had a tough time fitting in.
Give her a break.”
“And just when did you take up her defense?” Angry blue eyes snapped
at me.
“I’m not defending her. I’m simply making a suggestion.”
Delaney flipped her hair back in irritation. “Amounts to the same
thing where she is concerned. I’ve had no end of trouble with her since she
was assigned to cartography. Did you know she encrypted last week’s report
so that when I presented it to the Commander it came up: `Hey big boy, how
about we get together’?”
I stifled my laughter long enough to choke down a swallow of wine.
“No, I hadn’t heard about that.” I grinned. I could just picture Chakotay’s
less than amused expression.
“It’s not funny, Tom. Of course, I had no proof she did it, but I know
she did. What’s worse is that her work is always accurate and on-time. So I
can’t complain about her job perfromance, only her attitude. Oh, there’s the
Commander, excuse me.”
I almost choked a second time as I watched Jenny cross the room. Heyyy
big boy. Obviously, there was a lot more to this Matthews than she or rumor
let on, and I figured what the hell? I wasn’t having overwhelming success with
any of the other women on board, so why not? Something told me though that the
direct approach wouldn’t work, that I’d have to move slowly and get a nice
little foundation for friendship built first.
I knew she and B’Elanna had struck up a tentative friendship, mostly
over conversations on Klingon culture. Yeah, that figured; they were cut from
the same cloth. So, I asked Torres to introduce us, but no go. She flatly
refused, saying it would be a *very* bad idea. Strike one.
Then I turned to Harry, and he refused. Strike two. But I kept at
him, swearing that I only wanted to meet her, that I wouldn’t throw a single
pass. Finally, he relented, divulging that he, B’Elanna, and Cait would be
at Sandrine’s on a particular evening, and promised to introduce me if I
“happened” to show up.
I did, and true to his word, Harry introduced me to her. Cait stood up
and shook my hand firmly, but her eyes weren’t very welcoming. I got the
feeling she greeted me only because I was friends with Harry and B’Elanna.
The four of us talked quietly for a while with Cait remaining very
quiet and observing, hell, scrutinizing me the entire time. Then, Harry,
good buddy that he is, challenged B’Elanna to a game of pool, leaving Cait
and me alone.
I tossed a sideways glance at her and squirmed in the unforgiving
silence she created. “So, what’s your story?” I asked, offering her my
friendliest smile.
“Excuse me?”
“What’s your story? Why did you join the Maquis?”
“They were having a sign-up drive at my high-school and I thought the
life of an outlawed rebel sounded romantic.”
The smile faded from my lips. “Are you always this flippant or do
only I garner special treatment.”
“I treat everyone the same, except those for whom I have no respect.”
“Meaning me.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to.” I gazed into my drink, fighting to keep my
temper under control. “And just what, if you don’t mind my asking, have I done
to merit this distinction?”
She smirked and took a swallow of port. “Don’t let it bother you,
flyboy. I’m sure there are others on board far more willing than I to fall
into your bed.”
I needed a snappy comeback, but dammit, I couldn’t think of one.
“That’s `sir’ to you, Crewman.”
“All right, Sir Flyboy.”
“And that’s gross insubordination. I could bring you up on charges.”
A huge grin spread across her face. “That would be a first. For you,
I mean.”
I could almost feel the wisps of steam pouring from my ears. Okay.
Fine. Dandy. If she wanted to be that way, let her. I had to keep cool.
If I blew my stack, she’d win, and I couldn’t allow that. I plastered a smile
on my face.
“Don’t try so hard, Matthews. People might get the impression you
liked me. Or maybe you do?” I leaned back in my chair and took a sip of wine.
The green eyes lost their mocking twinkle for a moment, but then it
returned. “Lieutenant, let’s be honest. If I deny it, you’ll say I’m lying,
and if I confirm it, your ego will go straight through the ceiling and I’ll
never hear the end of it. I’ll admit I can see where some might find you
attractive, but I find your personality cancels that out, and to be quite
frank, I lost interest in cheap sex years ago. Besides, I don’t think you
could handle what you’re asking for.”
“Oh really?” I sat forward. Insults were one thing, but this was a
direct challenge that I didn’t intend to let pass. I did have some sort of
reputation to maintain. “You think so?”
Cait leaned closer. “I know so.”
“I don’t suppose you’d care to back up that assertion with proof?”
My gaze flicked down to her lips–nicely shaped and moist with the sweetness
of port probably lingering on them. If we had been alone, I wouldn’t have
bothered to ask. One hand behind her head, and I would have had my answer,
not to mention a broken rib or two, but here in the bar that wasn’t an option.
She chuckled with a quiet confidence. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”
“You might, too. Or maybe you’re afraid you’ll find out that
underneath this uniform I’m really a likeable guy.”
An icy smile flashed across her face. “Lieutenant, you have no idea
what kind of surprises you’d be in for with me.” The smile vanished as she
got to her feet. “Tell Kim and Torres I had to leave, will you?”
Before I could respond, she strode for the door and was gone.
I shuddered involuntarily in the wake of the smile. It’s coldness made me
wonder if she wasn’t right. Maybe I was way out of my depths. Either way,
it was strike three and I was out.

I fingered the crystal in my pocket and smiled. We had come quite
a long way over the past couple of years. Closing my eyes, I tried to picture
where she was, in a corridor, or maybe a lift, but I didn’t have much luck.
No Betazoid genes in me.
I clutched the crystal and brought it out of my pocket. Silver or
gold? Silver would blend with the clear crystal; gold would offset it. Gold.
Yeah, definitely gold. It stood for goodness and purity, right? Of course,
it also stood for greed, and if I was being greedy by wanting Cait for myself,
so be it. Because that was exactly what I wanted until we were doddering
old fogeys. Grinning inanely, I slipped the crystal back into my pocket,
catching a glimpse of Chakotay out of the corner of my eye.
“Something you find amusing, Mr. Paris?”
“No sir.” My cheeks grew warm. I wiped the smile from my face and
spun back to the helm, but not before I spotted Harry doubled over in silent
laughter.

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From: crime@bu.edu (mary self)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: VOY: Proposal (P) 2/4
Date: 6 Sep 1996 11:44:16 GMT
Organization: Boston University
Lines: 365
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DISCLAIMERS: See part 1.

THE PARIS JOURNALS, vol. VII

Proposal
Part 2

by Carly Hunter
copyright 1996

At 1406, the engines came back on-line.
“All right, Mr. Paris.” The Captain said. “Set course one-five-zero
mark four-eight. Warp seven.”
“Course laid in.”
“Engage.”
The ship jerked slightly as the warp field began to form. Suddenly,
a bright flash of light lit up the viewscreen and the floor rocked violently,
throwing me from my chair. Panels exploded. Sparks and tubing rained down
from the ceiling.
“Report!” The Captain shouted, fighting her way back into her seat.
“The warp field collapsed in on itself! I’m receiving heavy damage and
casualty reports from all decks!” Harry yelled.
“Mr. Paris!” Janeway called.
I struggled into my seat. “All engines are off-line, and I’m reading
power fluctuations throughout the energy matrix grid.”
“Janeway to Engineering. Report.”
“Torres here. We’ve suffered heavy casualties down here, Captain.
The collapsing field caused a series of feedback explosions along the power
cell buffers. We’re looking at a possible ship-wide power failure.”
I stood up. “Captain, permission to go down to-”
Before I could finish, the ship shuddered again and I fell against the
railing, hitting my chin and splitting my lip. I pulled myself back up,
licking the blood away.
“We’ve got hull breaches on decks seven and eight, with a minor one
on deck twelve.” Harry reported. “Containment fields are in place.”
The Captain nodded toward me. “Mr. Paris, get down to Engineering.
See if you can give Lt. Torres a hand. Mr. Kim, remodulate the . . .”
I ran for the lift. It took me almost to deck eight before shutting
down, along with the rest of the ship’s power. I yanked open the control panel
and used the manual release to open the doors. The car had stopped between the
two decks. Beautiful. I managed to work my fingers between the doors to deck
seven and open them. Then, I pulled myself up onto the floor.
The thick smoke strangled me. Debris lay strewn across the floor.
Beams and tubing hung down like streamers from the ceiling. A nearby panel
crackled and hissed before exploding into a shower of sparks and white smoke.
I covered my nose with my sleeve and made my way cautiously down the corridor
toward the Jefferies’ tube I could take to Engineering. All around, the creaks
and groans of stressed metal reminded me of the hull breach loosely contained
somewhere nearby.
I passed two crewmembers pinned by wreckage. They were both dead.
A metal pipe had skewered one through the chest. The other’s face was so badly
burned I couldn’t tell who she was, her lungs in all likelihood as charred as
the wall she leaned upon. Two meters away, legs stuck out from beneath a
panel. I crossed over and threw the debris aside. A pale, bloodied hand.
A gold collar. Auburn hair. Sh*t! A heavy beam lay across her right leg,
blood seeping out from beneath it. I knelt beside her, putting my hand to her
neck to feel for a pulse. As I did so, her eyes opened.
“Tom?”
“Yeah, honey. It’s me. I’m going to get you out of here.” I touched
my commbadge. “Paris to Transporter room.”
Nothing.
“Paris to Sickbay.”
“Comm system must be down.” She rasped.
“Okay. Sit tight. I’ll be right back.”
I rummaged around for something I could use for leverage. Retrieving
parts of another beam and some smaller bits of paneling, I jacked up one side
of the beam far enough to pull her out. She bit back a scream as I did.
Blood oozed from the gash on her thigh. I could tell the leg was
broken by the way the thigh lay twisted. I hesitated to move it, but I had to
stop the blood pouring out. She had already bled quite a bit. I undid my
uniform and pulled off my turtleneck.
“Okay, kiddo. I’m going to have to move your leg a little. I can’t
seal this cut, so I’m going to apply a tourniquet near your hip. It’s going
to hurt, but I’ll be as gentle as I can.”
She nodded, but could not suppress a small cry when I lifted her hip
just enough to slide the fabric under her. I made one pass, then a second,
stretching the arms as much as I could before knotting them off.
“There. That should help slow the bleeding. Now, what about the rest
of you? Ribs, back, all of that okay?”
“I think so. I-”
The groans and creaks about us increased. Her eyes opened wide.
“A hull breach. Tom, you’ve got to get out of here. Leave me and get
out of here!” She pushed my hands away.
“Not without you. You’re coming with me.”
“No, I’m too injured. I won’t have-”
“Forget it. Leaving you is not an option.”
“But-”
“Cait, shut up! For once, just shut up! You are not allowed to play
the hero now. I won’t let you. You’re coming with me and that’s final!”
I pulled over a piece of paneling. “There’s nothing here I can rig a
splint out of so I’m going to shift you onto this. It’ll hurt, but I’ll be
able to move you. So hold on. I’ll be as gentle as I can.”
She nodded and bit her lip white as I eased her onto the metal.
Uncontrollable tears sprang forth, and her breath came in shallow, painful
gasps even after I was done.
“Still with me?”
She nodded again.
“Good. Now, I’m going to drag you over to the tubes and we’ll try to
get you to Sickbay that way. The lifts are down and staying here doesn’t seem
very wise. All right? Stick with me now.”
I looped some wiring through one of the holes in the panel and drug her
over to the hatch door. I still hadn’t figured out how I was going to get her
up the ladder, but I pushed that thought aside for the moment. Getting her
safely away from the hull breach was far more important right now.
“Okay, Cait. I want you to hold onto the sides of the panel. Hold on
tight. I’m going to tip you up and inside. I’ll make it as smooth as
possible. All right?”
She nodded weakly.
I touched her cheek and kissed her. “Stay with me.” I whispered.
“I’ll try.” She smiled bravely.
It took me longer than I expected with each of her muffled cries
slicing through me like a phaser. The noises around us intensified. Something
exploded down the corridor, and a rush of air whipped down the passageway in
its direction. With a heave, I pushed Cait in and scrambled in after her,
shutting the door.
“Hey kiddo, we made it.”
Her eyes opened slowly. “I’m still here.” She whispered.
“Good girl.”
The conduit stretched before us, dimly lit by emergency lighting.
I took a deep breath and kissed her again. “Let’s get going.”
We proceeded only a few meters at a time due to the cramped quarters.
I had tied the wire around my waist and now pulled her along sled-dog style.
As we moved on, I tried to get her to talk about something to keep her mind off
the pain which I could do nothing about.
“So tell me about your father.”
“I’ve told you about him. He was a border trader.”
“No, I mean really tell me about him. About his family. About your
family. You were born on a space station, and your mom died when you
were four.”
“Five.” She corrected me.
“All right, five. You stayed with your grandmother until she died and
then you lived with your dad on his ship. But tell me about him.”
“He was born on Metaline II.”
“What? I can’t hear you.”
“HE WAS BORN ON METALINE II.”
“Right. Metaline II. Gotcha.” I grunted.
“The second of three brothers. You know, the problem middle child.
His father wanted him in the Academy like his older brother, but he refused.
Ran away and hired onto a small trading ship.”
“That must have made your grandfather happy.”
“Happy? It was years before they spoke again. When William
disappeared, he didn’t even let Dad attend the memorial service.”
I looked back and grinned. “Sounds like your dad and I had something
in common.”
Cait smiled. “I think you two would have gotten along very well.
Maybe too well. Raising children would seem like a picnic compared to taking
care of you two.”
“You’re not exactly a walk in the park yourself. The number of times
you’ve had me scared-”
“Like now?”
“No. I know you can survive a broken leg.” I lied. I didn’t want her
to know how worried I was. I didn’t have a tricorder and couldn’t tell exactly
how much blood she had already lost. All I knew was that I didn’t like her
colouring. Much too pale.
I resumed pulling the paneling. “Anyway, you were saying he ran away.”
“Yes. He got a job on a trading vessel. He was a fair pilot, but his
real forte lay in dealing with people. He could size them up in a minute,
almost as if he could read their minds. The Captain picked up on his talent
and encouraged it, taking him to negotiations, asking his opinion, even letting
him do some of the bargaining. A few of the crew didn’t take to kindly to him,
saw him as some young upstart and tried on a few occasions to beat some sense
into him, but Dad didn’t quit. And little by little they came to respect him.”
“A regular self-made man.” I wheezed and wiped my forehead.
“When he was about twenty, he got a chance to buy his own ship under
a hefty loan. He didn’t have one trade contract lined up, but he bought it
anyway. A couple of the crew went with him: J’nok, my godfather-”
“He was a Klingon, wasn’t he?”
“Yeah, and saved my dad’s hide on more than one occasion. He was huge.
One of the biggest damn Klingons I’ve ever seen. My father used to look like
one of the seven dwarfs beside him, and Dad was not a small man.” She laughed.
“J’nok was a fantastic pilot, but it was so funny watching him squeeze in
behind the helm. And he could be such a big teddy bear. Like all Klingons,
he felt the honour of being chosen as a godparent deeply, but it went beyond
that. I never doubted that if something happened to my Dad that he would take
care of me. And after my mom died and I went to live with Grandma Dorie,
I think I missed him in some ways more than my father because my Dad was always
the disciplinarian.”
I nodded. I knew what she meant. I felt the same way about my uncle,
but then, he was about as far a cry from my father as you could get.
“He would tell me all these wonderful tales about Kahless and about
the importance of honour and family. I always thought his stories were so much
better than the ones my mother read because he put so much feeling into them.
He made them come alive. My grandmother used to do the same thing, but in a
much quieter way. AHHH!”
I turned around too quickly and banged my head on the side of the
conduit. “What? What happened?” I crawled back to her.
“Just a sharp pain. It’s better now. Really.”
I could tell by her eyes she was lying. I grasped her hand. “Cait,
don’t hide your condition from me. I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s
happening. If you’re in pain, tell me. If it gets worse, tell me. I could
make things worse if you don’t. Now promise.”
She brought my hand to her cheek. “I promise. You’re so determined
to take care of me.”
“Damn right. Now tell me more.” I started easing her along a little
more slowly to jar her less.
“Right. Dad got his ship. J’nok was part of his crew. There’s not
much more to tell, really. He worked off the loan by trading along the border.
People would pay just about any amount during the war, and after the war, his
contacts were so well-established he saw no reason to leave.”
She fell silent for a few moments.
“Cait?”
“Huh?”
“Keep going. I’m listening. Your dad had decided to stay with his
current trade routes.”
“What? Oh. Yeah.” She sounded fuzzy. “Trade routes. Trade routes.
Nothing left to tell. He met my mom, they had me, she died, and you know
the rest.”
“C’mon.” I wheedled. “There’s more to it than that. How’d they meet?
You never told me that.”
She sighed heavily.
“Hey! You staying with me?” I called over my shoulder.
“Trying to.” She said. “He met my mom on a space station. She was
traveling back to Earth to see her family and her ship had stopped there for
a few hours. He was waiting for another ship to dock so he could transfer
goods from his ship, and he saw her disembark. She was a dancer, you know?”
“No, I didn’t know. You’ve never talked too much about her.”
“Professional. She had just joined the Parisian Ballet Theatre as an
extra. She wasn’t good enough to be a star, or so she told my father. Anyway,
she was a small, slim, little thing and here he was almost 183 cm., and he fell
right for her. Talked to her the entire time she was on the station. After
she left they kept in touch by subspace for almost a year before she quit the
theatre and came out to be with him. Made her parents furious. Her father
cut her off and her mother refused to speak to her. Dad said when I was born
she tried to contact them, but as soon as they saw her face on the screen they
closed the link.” She paused. “I guess I should be thankful. They could’ve
petitioned for custody when she died and taken me away from him. Probably
would’ve stuck me in some school where I’d be forced to be a `little lady’.
At least, Grandma Dorie let me run a little wild. She was descended from
hearty Highland stock, firmly believed in fresh air.”
I chuckled. It was easier to picture Cait running over moors with her
hair flying in the wind, than sitting in some classroom. “What did you say
your mom’s name was again?”
“Duvernet. Madeleine Duvernet. Her father I think had diplomatic
ties or something like that.”
“Not Felicien Duvenet?”
“I think so. Dad only mentioned them once or twice when I asked.”
I let out a low whistle. “If it was Felicien, no wonder he blew a
gasket. He was, probably still is, a bigwig in diplomatic circles. My father
used to talk about him all the time. I think I might have even met him at
some function once, but I’m not sure. You know me. I always hated those
things.” I snickered. “The only good thing about them is the free bar. I’ll
bet your grandfather already had his daughter paired off with some up and
coming attache, whether she knew it or not. Ricki’s family was the same way,
but my Fleet roots gave me enough respectability to slide by with them.”
I looked back and watched a pained smile creep across her face.
“Your dad might like me after all then, even if I’m not acknowledged.”
“Who the hell cares what he thinks? You’re a heck of a lot better for
me than Ricki ever was. Anyway, whatever your grandfather’s intentions, the
interjection of your dad sure knocked them for a loop. I like him better
and better.”
“I think it was more my mother’s doing than my father’s. She was the
one who suggested they elope. He always told me he hadn’t been sure it was a
good idea. He thought she really didn’t understand the demanding life she
was trading hers in for, but she was determined.”
I stopped for a minute and leaned back to stroke her cheek. “I guess
I know now where you got your stubborness from, huh?”
She grinned listlessly. “No, I get it from both of them. Mom just
knew how to charm him, that’s all. I think he felt guilty somehow for what she
had given up, but maybe not. I don’t really remember all that much more about
her, just that she was pretty and read me stories. Oh yeah, and roses. She
always smelt of roses. She used to pick me up and it was like stepping into
the middle of a garden.” Her voice trailed off, her eyes clouding with tears.
“Shhh. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. We’ll talk about
something else.”
“No, it’s okay. I’m just tired.” Her eyes closed.
“Hey, hey. Don’t go to sleep on me. I’m going to need your help once
we reach the ladder.”
“Tom, I don’t know if I can make it up.”
I patted her hand. “Yes, you can. We need to get to Sickbay, and if
we stay here, who knows when they’ll find us.” I tapped my commbadge again.
“Paris to Sickbay.”
Silence.
“Still out, I guess.” She said. “How bad was it when you left?”
“Not good. Damage and casualties reported on all decks. B’Elanna said
Engineering was in bad shape. That’s where I was headed when the lift broke
down.”
“It may be a while, then?”
“I think so.”
I brushed some hair from her forehead. Clammy. I didn’t like it.
Cold, clammy skin, fatigue, trouble concentrating. All symptoms of heavy blood
loss and shock. I checked her pulse. Rapid and faint. I tried to smile.
“C’mon kiddo. You can do it. So you lived with your grandmother for
a while? On Metaline II?”
“Yes. Until she died, and then I lived on Dad’s ship.”
“What about your dad’s father?” I grunted, tugging on the panel.
“He had died by then. About two years before I was born.”
“What about your other uncle? Or was it an aunt?”
“Malcolm? He went to the Academy for a semester, but he quit. After
William disappeared, he quit the Academy and dropped out of site. Said he
didn’t want anything to do with the family. Dad said he always had a few
screws loose anyway.”
“Every family has one of those. In mine, it was my dad’s sister,
Aunt Charlotte. Every winter, she’d walk five blocks to the park near my
grandparents’ to collect chestnuts for roasting, and if any of her nieces or
nephews were visiting, she’d take them along. She said nothing warmed the
heart on a cold day like the smell of chestnuts roasting before an open fire.”
“I don’t get it. What’s so odd about that?”
I laughed. “My grandparents lived in a hi-rise. There was no
fireplace. She used to spread them out in front of a wall. One would always
get kicked out into the middle of the room where someone would step on it and
fall. My dad did that once and swore he would never visit again during winter.
And guess what? We never did. She also used to name the pigeons that visited
the windowsill. Carried on lengthy conversations with them. I think she
embarassed my father a great deal. Figures, right?”
“Given your father, yes.”
The conversation lapsed. I continued pulling the sled along as best I
could, but the longer she remained quiet, the more I worried.
“You know what I was thinking about on the bridge?” I asked.
“My underwear?” She murmured.
“Well, that, too. But I was also thinking about how far we’ve come.
I mean there was a time you hated me and made me so mad I even took a swing
at you. I’d never swung at a woman in my life. Do you remember that?”
“Mmm-hmm. As I recall I stopped you, too.”
“Yep, quite effectively, right in front of the Captain. But it wasn’t
like you didn’t deserve it. You really hit below the belt with that holocrutch
remark.”
A hand squeezed my leg. “I know. I regretted it later. It was
unnecessarily cruel.”
“You can say that again.” I replied, giving the hand a pat. “For the
life of me, I couldn’t figure you out. I mean, at first you were distant to
everyone, not just to me, and then you began to warm up to everyone except me.”
“And Delaney.” She added. “I’ve never warmed up to her.”
I snickered. “Tell the truth, did you encrypt her report one time to
read `Hey big boy, how about we get together’?”
“Oh gods, I had forgotten all about that. I just wish I had been a
fly on the wall to see his expression and hers.” She giggled. “But boy, I got
in trouble. Chakotay guessed I had done it and confronted me. That man lays
*the* most effective guilt trips.”
“Maybe I should get him to teach me how so I can keep you in line.”
“Me? What do I do?”
I paused to catch my breath. “Oh, you get pregnant with alien
lifeforms; you fall off supports in Engineering; you catch viruses that almost
kill you. Let’s see. What else?”
“And you, of course, never get in any trouble. Framed for murder,
mutated into a futuristic lifeform, captured gods know how many times.
The list goes on.” She looked up at me and smiled. “And I love you, either
because of or in spite of it all.”
I beamed down on her. “Same here, kiddo.” I leaned over to kiss her.
As I did, the crystal bit into my thigh. “OW!”
“What?”
“This stabbed me.” I withdrew the rock.
“Why the heck are you carrying dilithium?”
“Well, it was supposed to be a surprise. I was going to have it made
into a necklace for you. I figured, well, I figured I’d give it to you as an
engagement present. When I -er asked you to marry me.”
“Marry you?”
“Yeah. You know, you, me, and eventually baby makes three.”
“I know what marriage is. I’m just not sure what to say.”
Uh-oh, Thomas. “You don’t have to come up with an answer right away.”
I continued. “I mean, these are hardly the conditions under which I intended
to propose.”
She grinned. “Is that what you were talking to Neelix about when I
scared you in the kitchen?”
“Yeah. I was asking him about secluded spots. Instead, I got a botany
and cooking lesson. Here. Why don’t you keep this in your pocket until we
get out of our current predicament. I might damage it.” I placed the crystal
in her hand. “Don’t worry. I’m not taking it as an acceptance. Like I said,
you’ve got time.”
Cait stared at the crystal, turning it over and over in her hand.
I resumed pulling the sled.

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From: crime@bu.edu (mary self)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: VOY: Proposal (P) 3/4
Date: 6 Sep 1996 11:44:57 GMT
Organization: Boston University
Lines: 208
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DISCLAIMERS: See part 1.

THE PARIS JOURNALS, vol. VII

Proposal
Part 3

by Carly Hunter
copyright 1996

“Tom?”
“What, Cait?”
“If we got married, what would our lives be like? I mean, do you
think they would be all that much different?”
“Better.”
“Better?”
“Yep.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. I simply think they would be. Maybe Harry’s right.
Maybe I am sentimental. Maybe I just believe in the age-old institution of
marriage. I don’t know. It just seems the thing to do.”
“That doesn’t mean it’ll be better.”
I sighed. “No, I guess it doesn’t. Call me an optimist, then.”
She fell silent while I heaved and swore under my breath.
“Tom?”
“Haven’t gone anywhere.”
“How is asking me different from asking Ricki? You asked her, but you
also said it was a mistake.”
“I asked Ricki under very different circumstances, and I was a very
different person back then, too. I asked her because it was expected of me,
by her, by her family, by mine, even by me. I was trying to proove to them
and to myself that I was ready to be Mr. Faithful. With you, I’m doing it
because I want to, not because I have to.” I sat back against the wall of the
tube and rubbed my knees. “Cait, we could stay just like we are, and I would
be happy. No permanent attachements. We could even go our separate ways if
we got back home. But I don’t want us to part if we get back, and if we don’t
get back, I still want us to start a family here. I want `us’ to be permanent
no matter where we are.
“Maybe that scares you. I’ll be honest, it puts quite a few
butterflies in my stomach, but deep down, I know it’s what I want more than
anything.” I leaned over and kissed her. “I love you, Cait. You have brought
more meaning into my life than I thought anyone could. No one makes me
angrier, or sadder, or happier. No one ever will.”
She bit her lip, and a tear trailed off into her hair.
“That’s the difference. Ricki only scratched the surface. You got
inside. I will never be complete without you, Cait. Never.” A lump rose in
my throat, but I swallowed it back down and continued the journey.
“I suppose we’d have to have Neelix cater.” She finally said.
I snickered. “I don’t think we could get around that, but if you have
any ideas, I’m all ears.”
“Where would we have it?”
I sucked in my breath. Was she actually contemplating acceptance? Or
was she only trying to pacify my concern over her condition? Maybe even trying
to bolster her own spirits?
“How about Sandrine’s, at least as far as the reception goes. We could
always have the ceremony on the holoprogram of `our planet’, the one we came
together on.”
“Liar. We did not. You came first.”
“Very funny, smart ass. You know what I mean.”
“By the lake, under the trees?”
“Yep.”
She sighed. “It would be pretty. I just don’t know if I could keep a
straight face when the Captain said `do you take this man’.”
“You have a very dirty mind, Matthews.” I sniggered.
“And here I thought you loved me for my mind.”
“Nope. That’s only a rumor.”
The door leading to the vertical conduit sat about ten meters away.
“We’re almost there, Cait.” I called over my shoulder. “We’ve only
got to open the door and pull you through.”
She didn’t answer.
“Cait, you still with me?”
“Yes.”
It was a weak yes, and I crawled faster in response, my bruised knees
slamming against the metal grid beneath me. The door opened without any
trouble. I scrambled out and stood up quickly, every joint and muscle in my
back shrieking in protest. I reached back in and looped my arms under Cait’s
shoulders and gently eased her out. A large pool of blood smeared across the
panel. Sh*t! The tourniquet hadn’t worked very well. I stretched her out
and reviewed our options.
From where I stood, the conduit looked clear. No debris blocked the
route up, at least not for two decks which was about as far as I could see in
the dim light. If I could tie Cait to me some how, I could get her up that
way, but I had nothing with which to secure her, and I didn’t think she had the
strength to climb it herself.
“Tom?”
“Hmm?” I turned around. Her face glistened with a ghostly pallour.
My stomach knotted. All of a sudden, I was frightened, deeply frightened.
I knelt beside her. “What is it?”
“I can’t do it. Not even with your help. I just can’t.”
“Then I’ll go. I’ll get a medikit and come right back.” I tried to
stand, but she grabbed my arm.
“No! Don’t leave me.”
“Cait, I have to. I’ll go as fast as I can. I’ll come right back.”
“No. No. Please. Stay with me. I’ve lost so many. I don’t want
to lose you.” Tears rolled down her cheeks. Her voice faded to a whisper.
“Please. Don’t leave me alone. I’m scared. I don’t want to die anymore.
I did when I joined up, but I don’t want to now. I want to stay with you.
Please don’t leave me.”
I stared at her. I didn’t know what to do. I might be able to get
to Sickbay and back in time to save her life, but then again, I might not.
I’d be leaving her to die in this darkness alone. Alone and scared. A little
child, who’d lost all the people in the world she’d ever loved and found
herself in a cold corner of the universe that didn’t care if she lived or died.
A frightened little girl who’d stayed alive by staying alone. What others,
including myself, had mistaken for courage had been an indifference to living.
And then, somehow along the way I had made that difference mean something.
If I ignored her plea and left, would she survive? Could I live with myself
if I left and she died?
I sat down beside her and gathered her into my arms, kissing her
forehead. “It’s okay, Cait. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I love you, Tom.”
“I know.” I blinked hard. I couldn’t cry, not yet.
“Tom?”
“That’s my name.” I smiled.
“Do you remember when I had Rowan?”
“Remember? How can I forget? It isn’t everyday a man nurses
his son.”
She flashed a weary smile. “Remember how after he left you asked me
who I dreamed of when he was implanted?”
“Mmm-hmm. You said you would tell me when we were old and grey, if by
some miracle we were still on speaking terms.”
She looked up at me. “It was you. I dreamed about you. I just wanted
you to know.”
“So now I know.” I brought her hand up and pressed the cold fingertips
to my lips. “I love you, Cait. No matter what happens I’ll always love you.”
Another tired smile flitted across her lips. “And I never hated you,
either. You frightened me because I knew I could fall for you. I had to push
you away, and then you pushed back, and it escalated. I didn’t mean it to.”
My hand caressed her moist cheek. “It’s all right. I think we both
felt a little threatened by the other, even if we didn’t understand why at
the time.”
She trembled and I hugged her closer. She was slipping away. I could
almost feel it, every nanosecond a little bit more.
“We’re quite a pair, aren’t we?” I whispered. “Always in trouble.
Can you imagine what our kids will be like?”
“Wonderful” came the slurred reply.
I shut my eyes, but a tear escaped down my cheek. “Yeah, they will be.
The girls will be as beautiful and wise as their mother, and the boys will have
her strength and bravery. It would be nice to have one of each. Don’t you
think so? But two of the same would be just fine, too.”
I reached down and patted her stomach. “Makes me nervous to think
about my child growing in here. You wouldn’t think so, would you? Not after
Rowan. But it does. Think about it. This one will be ours. Ours to raise.
Ours to spoil. Ours to mess up. Yet, something deep inside tells me we’ll
do all right.” I laughed nervously. “Funny, huh?”
“Tom, hold me. I’m cold.”
“I am holding you, Cait.”
“Tighter. I can’t feel you.” She shivered violently. “It’s s-s-so
c-cold.”
“I’m right here. Listen to my voice. Can you hear me?”
“Y-y-yes.”
“That means I’m still here. Still holding you. I promised I wouldn’t
leave you.”
“T-talk to me. Sing to me. Anything.”
“All right. Let me think. How about this?

Now the flames they followed Joan of Arc
as she came riding through the dark
no moon to keep her armor bright
no man to get her through this dark and smoky night.

She said “I’m tired of the war
I want the kind of work I had before
a wedding dress or something white
to wear upon my swollen appetite.”

“Well I’m glad to hear you talk this way
I’ve watched you riding every day
and something in me yearns to win
such a cold, such a lonesome heroine.”

“And who are you?” she sternly spoke
to the one beneath the smoke
“Why, I’m fire,” he replied
“And I love your solitude, I love your pride.”

“Well then fire, make your body cold
I’m going to give you mine to hold”
and saying this she climbed inside
to be his one, to be his only bride-

My voice broke under the weight of the words and I stopped singing.
I tried to remember where I had heard the song. Aunt Charlotte. She had
played this one and others over and over. They came from the twentieth
century mostly speaking of love, unrequited, misunderstood, and yet compelling
in its force. I cleared my throat.
“How’s that?” I asked, but received no reply.
Cait’s breath was so shallow she hardly appeared to be breathing.
It wouldn’t be long before the remaining part of her spirit slipped through my
fingers, scattering into the darkness surrounding us. I tilted her chin up
and kissed her.
“`All goes onward and outward,'” I whispered. “`Nothing collapses,
and to die is different from what any one supposed.'”
I undid the clasp that held her hair and let the auburn waves tumble
softly about her face. She always looked more beautiful when it hung free.
Searching my mind, I tried to remember how her mother died. I didn’t think
Cait ever told me. Was her father with her mother? Had he held her as I now
held his daughter? Had he told her he loved her? The tears rolled silently
down my cheeks.
Suddenly, the lights came on around us. Now, I could see how blood-
soaked the leg of her uniform was. I could see the blue tint to her lips.
I could also see that she still held the crystal.
I tapped my commbadge. “Paris to Transporter Room. I need an
emergency transport to Sickbay for Lt. Matthews now!”

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From: crime@bu.edu (mary self)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: VOY: Proposal (P) 4/4
Date: 6 Sep 1996 11:45:32 GMT
Organization: Boston University
Lines: 116
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DISCLAIMERS: See part 1.

THE PARIS JOURNALS, vol. VII

Proposal
Part 4

by Carly Hunter
copyright 1996

Hours later, I walked into Sickbay. I had thrown myself into the work
of repairing the ship, but the time for escapism had passed. I had to face
reality. Kes glanced up as I approached, offering me a comforting smile.
“Is she awake, yet?” I whispered.
“Not yet, but she should be at any minute. Why don’t you wait?”
I nodded and leaned over the biobed to smooth back Cait’s hair. She
was still very pale, but her lips were pink now, not blue.
“The Doctor believes there should be no permanent damage from the
blood loss, even to her leg. She may have trouble remembering things over the
next few days, but he believes those effects will be only temporary, correcting
itself as the healthy cells take over the workload.”
“Thanks, Kes. That’s good to know. I’ll keep an eye on her.”
My friend laughed softly. “I’m sure you will. Oh, the crystal is in
the Doctor’s office. I’ll get it for you.” She stepped away and returned
quickly. “Here you go.”
“Thanks.”
Without another word, she moved into the other office and I watched
her have a few words with the Doctor. Maybe he wanted me to leave, but she
must have persuaded him otherwise because no one told me to get out. I gazed
at Cait. Would she recall all that we had said? I slipped the crystal into
my pocket. Perhaps she would forget its existence and I could propose to her
again, properly.
She stirred.
“Cait?” I said, clutching her hand. “Can you hear me?”
The eyelids fluttered open. “Tom?”
“Yep, it’s me. How do you feel?”
“Like hell. How else?”
I grinned. “Okay. Stupid question. The Doc says you’ll be fine.
No permanent damage. But you gave me one hell of a scare there for a while.”
“Sorry. We’re quite a pair, aren’t we?”
I stroked her cheek with my finger. “Yeah, we are.”
She sighed and blinked slowly.
“Look, you’re tired. You need some rest. I’ll come back later.”
“No, we need to talk.”
“We can talk later. Right now, you need to rest, or do you want the
Doc to ban me from your bedside?”
“No, but-”
“No buts. Close your eyes.”
“But Tom- mmmph.”
My lips closed quickly over hers. I ran my tongue along her upper lip,
coaxing her mouth open. As her tongue extended to mine, I pulled away.
“What’s that? Speechless? Why, Lt. Matthews, are you actually going
to let me have the last word?”
She gazed up defiantly. “Not on your life, Paris.”
“Ah well, it was worth a try.” I planted a quick kiss on her forehead
and released her hand. “I’ve got to go grab some dinner, but I’ll stop by
before I turn in.”
“Yeah, sure. It’s not like I’m going anywhere just yet.” She yawned.
“Tom?”
I spun around from the door. “Yes?”
“The more I think about it the forest and Sandrine’s sounds perfect.”
My mouth fell open. She was serious. Not one hint of mischief
lurked in those emerald eyes. My heart somersaulted into my throat, a shaky
grin lighting up my face. “We’ll talk later, but you’re right. It does.”

THREE WEEKS LATER:

I lay in bed. I was awake, but couldn’t quite bring myself to open
my eyes and become fully awake. Cait giggled from somewhere next to me.
“What?” I asked, peeking out of one eye.
“Nothing. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh. I was watching you
sleep when I suddenly felt this uncontrollable urge to giggle. I couldn’t hold
it back.” She kissed me playfully on the cheek.
I opened both eyes. Her entire face radiated an unabashed happiness.
“So you couldn’t resist laughing at me?”
“I wasn’t laughing at you.”
“Oh, then what were you doing?” I rose up and leaned over her, forcing
her onto her back. “Thought I looked funny, huh?”
“No, I-”
“What was it? Maybe a whistle in my nose?”
She snickered. “No.”
“Or maybe a little drool hanging right there?” I gently poked the
right corner of her mouth. “Is that what was so funny?” I had her right
where I wanted her, on her back and on the defensive.
“No, nothing like that. It was-”
“It was what? You’d better tell me.” I lowered my head to kiss her.
“Because I’m a very impatient man. I might not wait for an explanation.”
“Mmmmm.” Her arms wound around my neck. Good. She was falling
for it. “I told you I don’t know why. I just felt like laughing for some
reason.”
I pulled back a little. “So. You felt like laughing, is that it?”
I tickled her right side, then her left. “Do you feel like laughing now?
Hmmm? How about now? And now? What about now? Hmm?”
“Stop! Stop!” She writhed beneath me.
“Why, Lieutenant, I think you’re laughing at me.”
“Stop!”
“You didn’t say uncle.”
She tried to draw her legs up between us, but I blocked them by
stradling her stomach. “Say uncle.” I prodded.
“Tuvok to Lt. Paris.”
“Oh thank gods!” Cait gasped. “Which one?”
“Lt. Caitlin Paris, please report to my office.” I could almost hear
impatience in his voice. I guessed Vulcan didn’t believe in long honeymoons.
“Yessir, I’ll be there shortly.” She gazed up at me, her cheeks
flushed from laughter. I rolled onto my back and she sat up. “I’ll be back as
soon as I can.”
I grabbed her arm and pulled her back down, trapping her in a tight
embrace. “Promise?”
She tapped me lightly on the nose and squirmed free. “You know I do,”
she replied with a big smile.



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From: crime@bu.edu (mary self)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: REPOST: Amelioration
Date: 20 Apr 1996 12:08:27 GMT
Organization: Boston University
Message-ID: <4lak3r$ouf@news.bu.edu>
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DISCLAIMERS: The original characters belong to Paramount, but the characters
of Caitlin Matthews, Atrebus, Praega, and the rest of the
village, along with the story, are mine. The story,
“Rainbow Crow”, is a children’s book by Nancy VanLaan. It is
based upon a Native American tale told by the Lenape. Further,
the lyrics that appear at the beginning and end of the story
can be found on the Cowboy Junkies release, “Pale Sun,
Crescent Moon”.

WARNING: THIS STORY DOES CONTAIN MATERIAL WHICH IS NOT SUITABLE FOR MINORS
OR THOSE WHO ARE EASILY OFFENDED. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

THE PARIS JOURNALS, vol. VI

Amelioration
Part 1

by Carly Hunter
copyright 1996

“…Do you remember when you’d pray
to never see the day
when someone would make you feel this way.
‘Cause you knew
they would cut right through you
and once inside, you were afraid they’d find
nothing to hold on to.”

*************************

The chime to my quarters sounded. I tossed down the PADD containing
tomorrow’s flight plan and glanced at the chronometer. A huge grin spread
across my face. “Come in.”
“Good evening, Lieutenant.”
“Commander. You’re late.”
Chakotay collapsed spreadeagle across my couch. “Chell came by to
complain about his duty shift,” he groaned. “And I wound up listening to half
of his family’s history. I have the sinking feeling I’ll hear the other half
when we return.”
I chuckled. “Once you get a Bolian talking. . . ”
“You’ll never get him to shut up. Yeah, I know. So, how are
you doing?”
“Not too bad. Do you want to put off our session until another day?
Haven’t your ears been talked off already?”
A tanned hand reached up and tugged gingerly on each earlobe. “No,
they seem secure enough; I think they’ll survive our little chat. I noticed
you and our intrepid Lieutenant spent quite some time together at Hamilton’s
birthday party. Things improved that much between you and Caitlin?”
For a brief moment, I scowled. “Not to the degree you’re intimating,
but our friendship is on much firmer footing, thanks to you. However, we are
still *only* friends.”
“Too bad. I was hoping you had progressed beyond that point.”
“You and the rest of the ship. I must have had half a dozen people
congratulate me the next day on the two of us getting back together, and Cait
received the same response. What made matters worse was the disappointment in
their voices when I told them they were wrong. What am I supposed to do?
Live my private life for their enjoyment? Don’t they know it’s tough enough
for the two of us as it is?”
Chakotay shook his head. “You judge them too harshly, Paris.
I believe they are only trying to show they care. The crew knows you’ve both
been through a difficult time, and they simply want to see you happy.
Unfortunately, it’s very easy for genuine interest to come across as nosiness.
I do know what you mean, though; sometimes this ship can seem very small.”
“Exactly. When I’m ready, I’m ready. I can’t push myself just to
suit them.”
“Nor should you. However, you should push yourself for you.”
I stared at him. “Come again?”
“It’s very easy to get complacent where you are, Tom. Your life has
almost returned to normal, but until you let someone into your life, be it
Caitlin or someone else, your recovery will not be complete. Finding the
courage to open yourself up to another is the final step in your healing
process.”
A long sigh of frustration slipped out as I sat back. “I know.
I know. You’ve told me this how many times? Believe me, Chakotay, I’ve tried,
but I just can’t do it. I’m scared I’ll hurt her. With my luck, something
will go horribly wrong, and I’ll hurt her.”
“Are you certain it’s only her you’re scared of hurting?”
My fingers tapped out an uneven rhythm on the sofa cushion. “Okay,
I’ll admit it. There is a part of me that doesn’t want to face the pain and
disappointment that exists within any relationship. Peace and quiet is all
that part wants, and I think it’s all I want, too.”
“And there’s nothing wrong with that, but you miss out on the happiness
and rewards within a relationship, as well.”
“Yeah, I suppose.” I stared up at the ceiling. *Think of what you
deny Cait, Thomas. It isn’t fair to her. Either let her in or let her go.*
“Paris?”
“Huh? Oh, sorry. I was just turning what you said over in my mind.”
“Mm-hm. Any conclusions?”
“None yet, but it isn’t like I haven’t had these thoughts on
my own already.”
“I see. Well, perhaps we should both call it a night; we’ve got a long
trip ahead of us tomorrow.” He rose to his feet and headed for the door.
“Remember, Paris, there’s a time for thought and a time for action. Don’t
think too long.”
I snickered. “You know, I don’t think anyone had ever said that to me
before. G’night, Commander.”
“Lieutenant.”

The senior staff assembled in the briefing room at 0900 hours the next
morning. Voyager had to attend to two trade missions at opposite ends of this
particular star system, and the Captain had decided that Chakotay, Harry,
and myself would take a shuttle to the planet, Taran, to conclude one of them.
We would then rendezvous with Voyager at pre-arranged coordinates the next day.
Because of my, er, mishap on Langar, each away mission now included a
member of the security team. On this particular journey, Baxter was to have
accompanied us, but a change of shift meant that Cait would instead.
I was a little anxious as I slid behind the helm controls at 1245
and began departure preparations; not because of Cait’s presence in the
seat next to me, but because this would be my first trade mission since my
capture. I had been on other away missions. However, they were only surveys,
no meeting of people involved.
At 1300 hours, we cleared Voyager. Taran was several million
kilometers from our present location, and at warp 1, it would take us almost
four hours to get there.
About an hour into the flight, Cait propped her feet up on the console
in front of her, her head lolling in my direction. “Bored yet?”
“Incredibly. What about you?”
“Stiff as duranium.”
Grinning, I briefly returned her gaze. “I hear Bathart and Nicoletti
have been after you to be in their play.”
“Yeah, and I don’t know any other ways of saying no. I’ve exhausted
three languages already. To make matters worse, Neelix has joined them in
badgering me. He thinks it would be good for my morale.”
“Have they decided which play they’re going to do?”
“Mmm-hmm. `Much Ado About Nothing’. They want me to play Beatrice.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. The part was written for her. “You’ll
be perfect for the role.”
“So I’ve been told–repeatedly. Which is why I suggested you should
play Benedick.”
“You what!” I sputtered. “You didn’t. Please tell me you didn’t.”
“I did.” A mischievous grin lit up her face. “They were considering
asking either you or Rollins, and I’d rather be kissed by you anyday.”
I raised an unimpressed eyebrow. “Thanks, Matthews. Thanks a lot.”
“What are you two fighting about now?” Chakotay sat up on one of the
benches. It was going to be a long flight and he had stretched out to review
some crew reports.
“The Lieutenant, here,” I jerked my thumb in Cait’s direction. “Had
the nerve to suggest to Bathart and Nicoletti that I should be in their play.”
“Good. I’m glad to hear it. I think it’ll do you a world of good,
Paris.”
“Why did I just know you were going to say that?” Sneering, I turned
back to my console. *Of all the meddlesome, brainless things-*
“How much longer until we reach Taran?” Harry sung out from the back.
“About another two hours and forty minutes,” Cait quipped. “Read
a book.”
“What do you think I’ve been doing?”
BAMM!!
The shuttle swung violently toward port, tossing Cait from her seat.
“What the hell?” I swore. “We just lost warp drive, and I’m
reading a large fuel leak from the port nacelle.”
Cait clambered back into her seat. “I’ve got a containment field
around it, and it’s holding, but we’ve lost a lot of deuterium. Chakotay,
I’m not sure we have enough to make it to Taran, warp or no warp.”
The first officer staggered up behind me. “Then, we’ll just have to
find some place to set down. Check the sensors.”
She spun around. “We’re in luck. There’s an M-class moon one thousand
kilometers away. Heavily forested with scattered humanoid life in villages.
No sign of industrial activity.”
“We don’t have any choice. Alter course, Mr. Paris.”
“Yessir.” *Terrific. A trade mission was bad enough, but an
unfamiliar moon with an unknown population was definitely worse.*
“I’m not sure we can make it, Commander.” Harry studied the readings
over Cait’s shoulder. “The containment field is barely holding. If we lose it
during entry, the feedback from the nacelle could rupture the core’s
containment field.”
“Then, we’ll have to transport down,” Chakotay responded. “Try and
locate an isolated spot, Matthews; we don’t want to come into any contact
with the inhabitants if we can help it.”
“Understood. Should I set up an automated distress call for Voyager?”
“Good idea, but encode it. We don’t want any Kazon or Vidiians to
know what’s happened.”
“Yessir.” Her fingers punched up the necessary encription
sequence. “Distress call activated.”
“Good. Take us in, Paris, nice ‘n easy.”
For the next few minutes, the unsettled hum of overworked thrusters
filled the shuttle’s interior. *Only a few more kilometers to go. Keep her
steady, Thomas.*
“Warning. Power to antimatter containment field is below twenty
percent. Core breach in fifteen seconds.”
“Damn!” Kim swore. “We don’t have enough power to maintain the field
and thrusters.”
“Suggestions.” Chakotay requested.
“We should be within transporter range in ten minutes.” Cait turned
toward the first officer. “Why not cut power to life support to temporarily
boost power to the containment field? Once we’re within range, we can transfer
all power to the field, leaving just enough in reserve to transport down.”
“What do you think, Mr. Kim?”
Harry lifted his hands. “It’s risky, Commander, but I don’t think we
have any options. We should have enough breathable air to make it.”
“Then, do it.”
“Switching all available power to the containment field now.”
The familiar fade-off accompanied the disappearance of lights
throughout the tiny craft. Only the engineering and helm consoles
remained lit.
Harry heaved a sigh of relief. “That’s got it. I’ve programmed the
shuttle to shut down everything except the distress call after we transport
down. It’ll drift, but that should prevent a core breach.”
“Well done. We can’t afford to lose any more shuttles.” Chakotay
replied.
It didn’t take long for the shuttle’s air to become cozy. Beads of
sweat flowed down my back and chest. My vision grew fuzzy. I blinked rapidly
and made a quick pass over my forehead with my sleeve. *Steady.*
“We’re there.” Cait gasped.
“Get on the transporter!” The Commander jerked her out of the chair
and pushed Harry and her onto the pad. “Energize.”
“You and I are next, Paris,” he choked. “Computer, initialize safety
shut down program with a three second delay. Energize.”
We materialized on a small ridge in the middle of a forest. Chakotay
took an involuntary step forward and tumbled down the rocky slope. I made a
move to grab him, but only succeeded in pitching myself down as well. At the
bottom, Cait dusted her uniform off, while Harry sat holding his head. I
glanced over at Chakotay’s prone form.
“You okay, Commander?”
“Yes. Ow! I seem to be in one piece. You?”
“I think so.”
He looked over at Cait and Harry. “How about you two?”
“Just swell.” Harry grimaced. “Once my head stops ringing.”
“I’ve got a couple of scrapes, but other than that, I’m alive and
kicking,” Cait replied with a smirk.
Rising to my feet, I stumbled over to her. “Let’s see them.”
Some were on her palms, but they were pretty superficial. The nasty
cut was on her right arm where the uniform was torn. Dirt was visible
inside it.
“Hmm.” She frowned. “I suppose a medikit is out of the question.”
“‘Fraid so, kiddo. We’ll have to make do with what we can find, but I
definitely want to get that cleaned up.”
“You won’t get any argument from me. Hey, Chakotay,” she hollered.
“We need to find a water source.”
“Already on it, Matthews. I’m reading a fresh water stream about
two kilometers away.” He slipped one of Harry’s arms around his shoulders and
set off into the trees with Cait and myself in pursuit.
About an hour later, I had bandaged Cait’s injuries with a sleeve off
my turtleneck, having cleaned the wounds three times for good measure.
Harry had started to feel more like his old self and had begun helping Chakotay
construct two lean-tos.
“Not quite, Harry. Like this. If you do it that way, one medium wind
and your head will be ringing again.”
“Sorry, Commander. I never did much camping as a kid.”
“Shame. On the occasion, it could be fun.”
“Oh, yeah. Sure, it could.” I called over. “The bugs, the poison
ivy, the cold baths. Every day I’m on Voyager, I wish I was out in the woods
instead.”
“You’re not helping the matter, Paris,” the first officer growled.
I flashed him a hurt look. “I’m just teasing, Chakotay. I’ve
always liked camping. Honest, Harry, it’s not so bad if you’re with someone
who knows what they’re doing.”
“That lets me out. Zakarian had an allergy attack leading my group.
Luckily, two of the kids in my class knew the woods like the back of their
hands, and we got out safely.”
Both Chakotay and I chuckled, good ol’ Sneezy. I glanced up as a large
black bird glided between two of the trees. It had been a long time since
I saw a non-holo forest like this one – tall, whispering pines interspersed
with broad-leaves. The leaves were changing colour, too, just like back home.
“Excuse me?”
Cait’s voice snapped me back to the present. I didn’t realize I had
spoken my thoughts aloud.
“I was thinking how much this reminds me of fall on Earth. Of course,
the last time I was in woods like these was with my father and the rest of my
survival class. Dad didn’t let us dwell too much on the beauty then; getting
in and getting out in record time was all that mattered to him.”
“You’ve got time now,” she noted with a tiny sigh. “It’ll take Voyager
at least twenty-four hours to locate us. Still, things could be worse,
I suppose.”
“Yep.” My gaze drifted skyward. A violet dusk had begun to fall.
I gave Cait a nudge. “Why don’t you and I get a fire going while they
finish up?”
A dangerous light flared up in the green eyes.
“Get your mind out of the gutter, Matthews.” I chastized. “I’ll get
the wood; you set up the hearth.”
“Whatever you say, lover.”
“Now cut that out.”
Despite our verbal skirmishing, we managed to get a good fire going
fairly quickly. Chakotay and Harry finished up and joined us around it.
“Not bad, you two, and just in time.” The Commander gazed up at the
rapidly darkening canopy above us. “I hate to send us to bed hungry, but
foraging in the darkness is right out. The last thing I need is for one of
you to get lost.”
“Well, look on the bright side,” Cait ventured. “We’ve got shelter,
fire, and water. Things could be much worse.”
“Sure,” I echoed. “And between the four of us, we could probably come
up with some pretty good campfire tales.”
“I don’t know any campfire stories,” Harry grumbled. He looked
miserable. No doubt about it, he was definitely not the outdoorsy type.
“Then, you’ve got it easy. All you have to do is listen.
Right, Cait?”
“Yeah, right. I’ll even start us off.” With a broad grin, she
proceeded to tell us about one haggling session she witnessed between her
father and a Ferengi. It was a story I had heard before, but it always left me
rolling on the floor. This time was no exception, even Chakotay had tears
coming out of his eyes.
“Your dad sounds like a great guy.” Harry commented when he caught
his breath.
A muffled sadness replaced the humor in Cait’s expression. “He was,
Harry. He would’ve had you and Tom reeling out of a bar in the wee hours
of the morning singing anything from `Scotland the Brave’ to the `Battles
of Kahless’. He always bought ‘Fleet people a round or two. He said it
loosened up their collars, but I think it was also in memory of his brother,
William.”
“William?” I glanced up from stirring the fire. “You never mentioned
him before.”
“I never knew him. He was several years older than my dad. The
only one in the family to join Star Fleet. He rose to the rank of Chief of
Operations before being lost on some mission.”
“Killed?” Harry stiffened.
“No, lost. They never found him or the shuttle. He and two crew
members just vanished. Poof! Official verdict: Lost, presumed deceased.
Kind of ironic considering Voyager’s predicament.”
The four of us fell silent, staring at the crackling fire. And now we
were lost from Voyager.
After a minute or two, Chakotay raised his head. “Your turn, Paris.”
My story explained how Cait and I first met, not on Voyager, but years
ago, when I was assigned to the Exeter. I told how neither of us knew the
other’s name or even recognized each other when she came on board.
“So it wasn’t until a couple of weeks ago that you realized she had
been the girl in the bar?” Harry asked, his mouth agape.
“Yep. Not until she pulled on those coveralls did all the pieces fall
into place. Strange, huh? All the little bends and twists life takes. Of
course, I proved much more forgettable to her than she did to me.” I winked
at him.
Cait shook her head vehemently. “That’s not fair, Paris. I met a lot
of people working for my dad. I can’t possibly remember them all.”
“I know, I know. I’m just kidding. Frankly, I’m rather relieved you
didn’t. I was quite an ass back then.”
“Still one now, if you ask me,” she shot back.
I opened my mouth to retort, but the Commander jumped in instead.
“Okay. Cease fire, you two.” He turned to Harry. “How do you and Torres put
up with them?”
My friend shrugged good-naturedly. “It’s free entertainment; what more
can I say?”
“Hmph. All right. We’ve had a tale of humor and a tale of fate. Now,
I’m going to tell you one of bravery and sacrifice.” Recrossing his legs,
Chakotay took a deep breath.
“Super.” Cait stretched out on her stomach and rested her chin in the
palm of her hand.
The story was fairly interesting: the kind I could see him telling his
grandchildren if he ever had any. It told how before humans were created
the weather grew cold and snow covered the land. To save his fellow creatures
from the growing drifts, the crow flew up to the sky spirits and sacrificed
his voice and colourful feathers to carry fire back to the earth.
“. . .But the sky spirits heard his weeping over the other animal’s
songs of praise, and they gave him one gift as a reward: freedom. He would
never be hunted; he would never be caged. And to this day, if you look at the
raven’s shiny black feathers, you will see the remnants of those rainbow
colours, a reminder to all of us of his bravery and his sacrifice.”
Cait rose up on her elbows. “That was wonderful. I’ve always enjoyed
your stories, Chakotay. They remind me of some of the ones my grandmother
told me whenever we visited her.”
He grinned. “I thought you’d appreciate that one.”
I stretched up, yawning. “I hate to break-in, but what about sleeping
arrangements?”
The first officer’s smile broadened. “Hash it out amongst yourselves.
This is one commanding officer who knows better than to delve into that
subject. Good-night.” He crawled under one of the lean-tos.
“See you two in the morning,” laughed Harry, scooting in beside the
Commander.
“I think it just got decided, Paris.” Cait’s eyes twinkled above a
suppressed grin.
“Mmm-hmm. Appears that way. After you, Lieutenant.” I gestured to
the empty shelter.
She crawled in and stretched out. I threw some dirt on the fire and
followed.
“You don’t still snore, do you, Paris?”
“What?” I flipped over on my side to face her. “I’ve never snored.”
“Oh really? As I recall-”
“Shut up the both of you and go to sleep.” Chakotay bellowed. “That’s
an order.”
“Yessir,” we responded sheepishly.
I rolled onto my back. Gods, I loved her sense of fun, but to be this
close . . . I shut my eyes, praying that none of my dreams, nightmares or
otherwise, would bother me tonight.

THE PARIS JOURNALS, vol. VI

Amelioration
Part 2

by Carly Hunter
copyright 1996

I awoke with a start, my eyes searching frantically in the thick
darkness. Again, the far-off wail. *They’re coming!* My heart leapt into my
throat. Someone was beside me. Then the slow shuffle of wind reached my ears.
*Oh, yeah.* That someone was Cait as she burrowed into my back seeking warmth.
Embarrassed, but relieved, I carefully turned over to face her.
“Cold?”
“A little,” she mumbled.
“C’mere.” I took her in my arms, pulling her against my chest.
“Better?”
She nodded.
“Good. Now go back to sleep.” I closed my eyes, her comforting body
heat blending with mine. It had been so long. *Easy, Thomas. Only friends,
remember.*

“Tom.”
The first time I barely heard her.
“Tom.”
“Hmm?” I raised up on one elbow, rubbing my eyes.
Cait stood at the foot of my bed bathed in a golden spotlight.
A sly smile curled the sides of her mouth.
“Cait, what is it? What do you want?”
“Nothing, except for you to enjoy the show.”
“Show? What show? What are you talking about?”
“You’ll see. Computer, music.”
As sensual music filled my quaters, she turned her back to me.
With deliberate hesitation, she released hairpin after hairpin, letting
her hair fall in precise rhythm with the music. When it all hung down,
she shot me a come-hither gaze over her shoulder. I stared back
dumbfounded as she slipped a portion of her uniform off that
same shoulder.
“Cait, what the-?”
“Shhh. Just sit back and enjoy.” Her hips began to undulate
seductively, her movements merging with the music in perfect harmony.
I watched in stunned fascination as item after item peeled
away from the porcelain skin. My heart raced; my arousal growing with
each piece of clothing that hit the floor. At last, she stood naked
before me.
Her hands roamed all over her body: stroking her throat,
caressing her breasts, sliding over her hips and thighs. Finally, her
fingers disappeared between her legs. She let out a deep groan and
closed her eyes.
It was more than I could bear. I threw back the covers and
sat up. I had scarcely made a move toward her when strong, invisible
hands grabbed my arms and slammed me back down onto the bed, pinning my
wrists to the headboard.
“Don’t touch the dancer,” a deep voice growled in my ear.
Cait placed her hands on the bed, a feral expression on her
face as she crawled up to straddle me, careful not to touch any part
of my aching body. Her mouth halted millimeters away from my own.
“Do you want me, Tom?” Her breath fluttered across my chin.
I shut my eyes, praying her lips would touch me. Anywhere,
it didn’t matter. “Oh gods, Cait. You know I do. Please.”

Slowly, I came to my senses. Cait still lay asleep in my arms. To my
horror, my right hand cupped her breast and my leg rested over her thigh,
trapping her in place. I was hard as could be, my erection pressing urgently
into the small depression between her stomach and pelvis. If I hadn’t woken up
when I did, who knew what I might have done.
Mindful not to wake her, I disentangled myself and crawled out of
the shelter. A blue-grey dawn peeked through the trees overhead, and I heaved
a sigh of relief to find that I was the first one awake.
A few meters from camp, I found a secluded tree and relieved myself.
*Ohh gods.* I had never felt more humiliated, betrayed by both my body and
my dreams. At least, Cait had still been asleep; if she hadn’t been, I don’t
know what I would have done. There was no way I could have apologized.
She had trusted me, and my subconscious had proven faithless to both of us.
On my way back to camp, I picked up some more firewood, and by the time
the others stirred, a cheery fire was going. “Rise and shine, sleepyheads.”
I made my voice as annoyingly chipper as possible to hide my lingering unease.
A chorus of groans and grunts answered.
“Oww,” moaned Harry, rolling onto his belly. “I feel like I’ve slept
on a rock the entire night.”
“That’s because you have.” Chakotay held up a small pebble before
flinging it into the woods.
Laughing, Cait emerged from our lean-to, rubbing her arms to get the
circulation going. “You Star Fleet fellows. I thought you had to go through
some tough physical training to get through the Academy.”
“We do,” Harry protested. “But advanced training is optional.”
“Lay off, Matthews.” The Commander interjected, twisting his back from
one side to the other. “I can remember a time when you couldn’t tell a carrot
from a poisonous casca root.”
“But I learned.”
“Yeah, when I snatched it out of your hand before you took a bite.”
His gaze wandered skyward. “Seems like another lifetime ago.”
“It was,” she observed, sitting down by the fire. “For all of us.”
“You got that right.” I reached over and began undoing her makeshift
bandages. “Your hands look okay. No bandages necessary. Now, let’s see how
that arm is. Good. You’ve got a nice scab, and there’s no sign of redness
or swelling. Is it tender?” Gently, I poked at the skin around the wound.
“A little, but not abnormally so.”
“Okay, then all we need to do is put a fresh bandage on it for
protection.” I undid the front of my uniform to the waist and slipped my
unexposed arm out. Seizing the sleeve at the seam, I ripped it off my now-
sleeveless turtleneck. “Brrr.” I jammed my arm back in the jumpsuit and
closed it up. “Nippy this morning.”
“Just a bit,” Chakotay conceded, warming his hands over the fire. “I
believe food is the first item on the agenda. I don’t know about the rest of
you, but I’m starving. Even some of Neelix’s leola root broth would seem good
about now.”
“Damn, you are desperate,” I chuckled, slicing the sleeve into strips
with a sharp rock.
“Told you,” he grinned back. “However, since we have only one working
tricorder, we’ll have to be careful. The last thing I need is for one or more
of you to drop dead from eating a poisonous plant. Hmm, Matthews?”
“Hey, I know better now.” Cait started defensively.
“Hold still,” I muttered, grabbing her arm. “Let me finish tying this
before continuing your apologia. There.”
“That’s too tight.”
“Well, hold still, and it won’t be.” I untied the knot and loosened
the wrappings. “Better?”
“Better.” She flashed me a bright smile of gratitude. “So what’s the
plan, Chakotay?”
“We’ll split into pairs; you go with Paris and I’ll take Harry with me.
Don’t go any further than a kilometer, and we’ll meet back here in an hour.
Just collect possible food samples; don’t try anything until you get back
to camp. Understood?”
“Yessir.” I got to my feet and offered Cait a hand up. “We’ll see you
in about an hour.”

“Can I ask you something?” I inquired as we hiked along, following the
stream that ran by our camp.
“You can always ask, Paris, but-”
“You’re not promising an answer. Yeah, I’ve heard that refrain before.
You know, Matthews, when you die, no one will know because your vitals will
give non-commital readings.”
“Maybe,” she laughed. “What’s on your mind?”
“What made you suggest that I be in the play?”
“Misery loves company. What else can I say?”
“The truth for one thing. I can’t believe you thought of this on your
own; you know it’s the last thing I’d want to do.”
“Truthfully?”
“Yes.”
“You’re right. It wasn’t my idea. I was more or less the go-between.”
“Oh?” Both of my eyebrows shot up. “And just who’s bright idea
was it? Neelix’s?”
Cait turned to me, a wide grin on her face. “That information
is restricted.”
“Aw, c’mon, Cait. Tell me. I’m just curious.” I let the ol’ baby
blues work their magic. “C’mon. Tell me.”
“Oh, all right, but you can’t let on that you know.”
“Promise.”
She hesitated a moment. “Well, if you must know, it was Chakotay.”
“Ch-Chakotay?” My jaw dropped two meters. “You’re joking.”
“Not at all. He thought it would help you connect with the crew more.”
“And when did I get to have my say in this little plan of yours?”
I sneered.
“I only told them yesterday evening. I imagine they’ll approach
you when we get back. It’s still up to you to decide to give it a try or not,
but if you say yes, I will.”
“My answer will be `no'” I turned away and silently watched a yellow
leaf bob along in the water. I was furious with both of them. I never liked
being a pawn in someone else’s plan, even if they did think they had my best
interests at heart. That justification had been used once too often
in my lifetime.
“Oww!”
I spun around. Cait stooped over some plant wringing her hand.
“Now, what did you do?”
“Nettles,” she winced. “I didn’t see them.”
I took her hand in mine, examining the latest wound. “You’ve gotten
one in pretty deep. Come over in the light.”
We moved closer to the stream, and she took a seat on a low rock while
I knelt at her feet. “Damn! You really got it in here. I don’t want it to
break when I remove it, but it may. Damn, come on.” The offending spine
slipped out of my grasp.
“Ow!” Her arm jerked.
“Don’t move.”
“Sorry.”
I flipped her a quick glance out of the tops of my eyes. “Did I ever
tell you you were a horrible patient?”
“Mmm-hmm. About as often as I’ve told you the same thing.”
“Well, guess what, it still goes. Now, hold still. There.” I scowled
triumphantly at the thorn. “In spite of your best efforts, I got it all.”
“Thanks, Doc. Next time something happens, I won’t even bother going
to sickbay.”
“Oh, no. The Captain tried me in that role; I hated it.”
“But you always take good care of me.” Her voice and expression
softened; the emerald eyes holding my gaze.
My pulse began to race. Her lips–full and newly blushed from biting
during the excision–were so close, only centimeters away. *Just kiss her,
Thomas.* I stood up quickly. “Yeah, I’m a regular mother hen. C’mon, let’s
find some breakfast.”
I moved away, my breath finally catching up with me. Cait, however,
remained seated, looking across the water into the trees. Curious, I crouched
back down beside her and placed a hand on her shoulder.
“Cait?”
“Hmmm?” She was a million kilometers away.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I was just thinking of Rowan, and how we never got to take
him on that picnic he wanted.”
“Oh.”
“I don’t know why really; he just popped into my head. He does that
sometimes, and I wonder where he is, if he’s all right, even if he remembers
us.” A brave smile tried to curl her mouth and failed. “Do you ever think
about him?”
An embarrassed warmth crept up my face, and I looked at the ground.
“Not lately, no. I guess I’ve been too wrapped up in my own problems.”
Shutting my eyes, I could see his grey eyes smiling up at me. *”I’m in
the doghouse with Daddy.” “Daddy and I are gonna watch the stars go by.”
“Don’t cry, Daddy. I love you.”* A hole opened in the middle of my chest and
I fought hard to close it. His small presence had made the hope of having a
child with Cait a reality, and I had loved him as if he had been our own son.
For that one brief week, we had been a happy, albeit slightly unusual family.
Maybe I wanted to forget just how wonderful it had been.
“Tom?” Cait’s hand caressed my cheek. “Are you all right?”
“Yeah,” I replied huskily, running my thumb under my eyes. “We’d
better get back to work.”
“Yes, I suppose so.” She stood up and walked away, her hips swaying
ever so slightly under the dusty black fabric.
I watched after her for a moment and then shook my head to clear
my mind. Unfortunately, my effort wasn’t very successful. For the remainder
of our brief excursion, memories of Rowan and Cait dogged my every thought.
Finally, we headed back to camp with a few samples of tubers and
berries; of course, whether any of them would kill us remained to be seen.
Chakotay and Harry showed up about two minutes later with many of the same
items. After several scans, it was determined that the black berries and some
of the tubers were safe to eat. So, while Cait helped Chakotay construct
a roasting bed, Harry and I went back out to collect more of each.
We had hiked about seven meters from camp when Harry vented his
curiosity. “Things getting cozy between you and Caitlin?”
“What do you mean?”
“I saw how close together you slept, a lot closer than the Commander
and I did, that’s for sure.”
“She was cold; so we cuddled a little, nothing more.”
“Uh-huh. And if I had been lying cold beside you, would you have held
me that way?”
I didn’t answer. I simply kept walking, hoping he would drop the
subject altogether.
“I thought as much,” he replied smugly.
That tore it. “You know, Harry, I am really getting tired of everyone
sticking their noses into our personal lives. You, B’Elanna, Chakotay, the
rest of the crew. If something happens between Cait and myself and we want you
to know, we’ll tell you. Until then, stay the hell out!” I wheeled about
and stormed off. Why couldn’t people mind their own business?
A few minutes later, he spoke again. “You’re right, Tom. It is none
of my business. I’m sorry.”
Taking a deep breath, I stopped. “It’s okay. I shouldn’t have blown
up like that; I did the same thing to Chakotay last night. Simply put, Cait
and I have got enough problems. We don’t need others watching and analyzing
our every action. It’s like living in some petri dish.”
He laughed uneasily. “I can imagine.”
“No, Harry, you can’t. Not until you’ve been there.”
We trudged on until we came to the small patch of plants Cait and I had
found earlier. Of course, the tubers that were safe to eat were also the ones
buried the deepest; it took you almost five minutes of digging with your bare
hands to uncover one. I was “fortunate” enough to find a particularly large
specimen, and no matter how much I dug I couldn’t get the damn thing to come
out.
“Roots must be wrapped around the moon’s core,” I muttered. “Hey,
Harry, give me a hand, will ya?”
“Be right there.” Behind me, I heard him scramble to his feet. “What
the hell? UNH!”
I turned around in time to see him crash heavily onto his back. In
front of him stood a stocky male with a spear.
“Harry!” I leapt to my feet only to receive a sharp blow on the back
of my head. Everything went black.

When I opened my eyes, my head throbbed in the bright daylight, and it
took me a few seconds to realize I lay on my side with my wrists bound
securely behind my back. Harry lay next to me.
“You okay, Paris?”
“Aside from a doozy of a headache, yeah. You?”
“My chest is a little sore where he hit me, but I’ll live. That is if
they let us.” He jerked his head in the direction of two men. “I’ve been
trying to figure out what they’re saying; however, the universal translators
are having a difficult time deciphering their language.”
I strained against my bindings. I wasn’t going anywhere, and my
agitation intensified. All I could think of was waking up in that prison cell:
the soreness of my arms, the two dark figures of the torturers, and the
helplessness, always the helplessness. A uncontrollable tremor rocked me all
the way down to my feet.
“Paris? Tom, are you all right?”
I stared at Harry, not actually seeing him. He was only a shape before
my eyes. *Don’t panic, Thomas. It won’t help you or Harry. C’mon, breathe.
That’s it. Breathe.*
“Tom?”
“I’ll be all right. Just a bit of a flashback, but I’ve got it under
control.”
My friend nodded before glancing at our captors. The humanoid who had
hit him was the smaller of the two. Blond-haired and bearded, the man wore a
colourful plaid cape over a belted tunic and plaid pants. His taller companion
sported a bushy brown mustache and carried a bow. I figured they had to be
hunters; they were armed too lightly for primitive warfare.
I looked back at Harry. “Can you activate your commbadge?”
“Unh-unh. I’ve already tried, but maybe I can activate yours.” He
leaned toward my chest, stopping when a spear tip stabbed the ground
between us.
“Menag!”
“Goddamn.” Harry swore. The spear point had missed his nose by the
tiniest fraction of a millimeter.
Strong hands grabbed one of my arms, hauling me to my feet, while the
blond did the same with Harry. They spun us in the direction of our camp and
gave us a shove.
“Peata mir!”
Reluctantly, we began walking. A couple of times I tried to change
direction or appear lost, but they knew where they were taking us. Within
minutes, we crashed through some shrubbery and into our camp.
Both Cait’s and Chakotay’s heads snapped up, as we were pushed to our
knees. “What the devil-?”
“We’ve made some new friends, Commander,” Harry began. “And they
insisted on being introduced.”
“Cuthlain!” A kick to my friend’s back pitched him forward into the
dirt.
“Hey! Leave him alone!” Cait jumped to her feet.
The two hunters stared at her in surprise before bursting into
laughter. “Kikla tir a daina.” The taller hunter snorted. “Torag mitsu
chakla.”
The blond hunter approached Cait, prodding her gently with the spear
handle as he circled around her. “Dilu, ches dilu.”
Reaching a hand toward her cheek, he found it immediately slapped away.
Before he could respond, a blow to his stomach doubled him over, followed
swiftly by an upper cut to his chin which flipped him onto his back.
Red-faced, he scrambled to his feet and lunged at her with the spear.
Dodging the weapon, she seized its handle, using his continued hold on it to
land some well-placed kicks. Crying out, he released the spear and grabbed his
ribs. Big mistake. She retained her grip on it, determined to adopt it as a
quarter staff.
She stalked her opponent with an ingrained wariness, spinning the
weapon slowly between her hands. I watched with pride. It had been
a long time since I saw her fight hand-to-hand; I had forgotten how impressive
her skills were.
The taller hunter grasped Harry’s hair and pulled his head back to
expose the throat. From the holster of his belt, the man drew a knife, placing
it against my friend’s throbbing jugular.
“Bata! Dir a danin tulath!”
“Matthews, drop it!” Chakotay called.
“What?” Cait glanced over at Harry and myself. The full meaning of
the untranslated words hit her and she threw down the spear.
The bearded man scrambled to his feet. He forced Cait to her knees,
twisting her arms roughly behind her. He must have pulled the bindings
very tight because she bit her lip rather than cry out. I stared at the
ground, ashamed to meet her eyes. *Helpless again, aren’t you, Thomas?*
As the blond walked over to Chakotay, the Commander knelt and allowed
his wrists also to be bound. There wasn’t much else he could do, but he hated
it as much as she did. You could see it in his eyes, a fierce light that would
not be extinguished.
While he bound up the Commander, the hunter’s gaze dropped to the
tricorder attached to Chakotay’s uniform. Reaching down, he plucked it out of
its holster. *Uh-oh.* Curious, the humanoid opened it and immediately dropped
it. When it hit the ground, the device snapped shut.
“Kantour lugh.”
The mustached man looked doubtful. “Cosci?”
“Kantour lugh. They no lugh maccan.”
I shook my head. I could have sworn I heard a pronoun. One glance at
Harry confirmed my suspicion.
“Kantour lugh? Maccan? You wikiit to Atrebus.”
“I don’t. Mak la.”
Shrugging, the taller man released Harry. Walking over, he picked up
the tricorder and opened it. “Dalu. Quisi. Bitii, it’s not witchcraft.” He
smacked the smaller man on the back of the head and then shoved the device
under Chakotay’s nose. “What is it?”
“It’s called a tricorder,” the first officer replied quietly. “It
tells us what foods are safe to eat.”
“How? Show me.”
“We don’t know how,” Cait piped up. “It was a gift from our provider.”
All three Star Fleet mouths dropped open. “Come again, Matthews?”
The Commander asked.
“You know, Chakotay, from our provider, the Voyager.” She cocked her
head to one side and lifted her gaze up to the sky.
A look of slow understanding crossed his face. “She’s right our
provider gave it to us to help us find food in unfamiliar territory. It tells
us what is safe to eat.”
The bearded man peered over his companion’s shoulder at the device.
“We should take it and them to Praega.”
“Agreed.” The dark-haired man snapped the tricorder closed, prior to
placing it in a small pouch attached to his belt. “Get up, all of you, and
follow Mordak.”

THE PARIS JOURNALS, v. VI

Amelioration
Part 3

by Carly Hunter
copyright 1996

We stumbled downstream in silence. Once or twice, Cait winked at me.
At least, she was okay.
Several kilometers along, the stream joined a river, which we followed
until a log wall loomed in front of us. On the other side, twenty to thirty
wooden dwellings surrounded a bustling market. Our appearance caused many
curious glances, and the men led us like trophies to the largest building at
one end of the market. As we entered, a thin man with stringy black hair
looked up.
“Who are they?”
The taller hunter gave a slight nod of deference. “We found them in
the forest and thought it best to bring them to you, Praega. One of them
carried this.” He reached into his pouch and brought out the tricorder. “He
says their provider gave it to them to find food.”
The leader’s dark eyes studied us carefully before opening the device.
A gasp of amazement slipped through his lips. “I have never seen such a thing.
They said it finds food?”
“Yes, it tells us what is safe to eat.” Chakotay replied.
“Silence!” Mordak commanded.
“You both did well.” Praega observed. “I believe the three men will
do well in the forest. They look strong enough, and we need more wood chopped
for the festival.”
Standing, he circled around Cait, his dark eyes glittering. “Very
nice. With training, she might make a good servant or wife.”
The taller hunter laughed. “It will take more than training. I’ve
seen tamer kikla cubs. She almost defeated Mordak.”
“Really?” The leader raised an amused eyebrow. “Is this true,
Mordak?”
The blond man shifted on his feet and glared at the ground. “It is an
exaggeration. Given the opportunity, I would have emerged victorious.”
A wiry hand stroked Cait’s cheek. She stood rigid in defiance, her
fierce gaze challenging his. “Ah, she does have spirit; it’s in her eyes.
Take the men away and put them to work. Catalla will show this one her
duties.”
“I beg to differ, Praega.” A hooded figure limped forward out of the
shadows, its bony hand clasping a carved staff for support. “Dawning is in two
days; should any harm befall them, the spirits will be angered.” The cowl fell
away to reveal a wizened face with dancing black eyes. “I have seen them.
They mean us no harm. These four have become separated from their own tribe.
As they have come to us during Caillach’s feast, we should welcome them as
guests, not prisoners.”
The leader regarded the man in silence. “Atrebus, you have never given
my father or me bad counsel, and your connection to the spirits remains strong,
even in your old age.”
A smile flickered across the elderly face. “Indeed. Some would say it
increases due to my age.”
“Therefore, I will bow to your wishes. Our harvest has been good this
year, and we have much to be thankful for.” He turned to our escorts.
“Release them and take the men to the river. Have them bathe and bring them
clean clothes. Rhineld, take the woman to the spring and do likewise. Go.”
A thin, dark-haired girl moved up beside Cait and gave a quick jerk of
her head. “Come. Follow me.”
Cait glanced at Chakotay, who nodded, before following the young woman
out of the building.
The hunters escorted the three of us down to the river. “Strip.”
I hesitated as Harry and Chakotay began unfastening their uniforms.
I was nervous enough; the thought of anyone seeing the scars only made matters
worse.
The old man hobbled up to me. “Come, you are among friends. You have
no reason to be frightened.”
My face heated up, and I started undoing my jumpsuit. In the meantime,
Harry had taken a deep breath and waded out into the water.
“Holy-! It’s freezing!”
The hunters laughed. “Spoken like a true bitii.”
As I slipped out of my briefs, the old man wagged his head sadly. “You
bear the scars of battle.”
My hand flew across my crotch in a feeble attempt to hide my
disfigurement.
Chakotay stepped up behind him. “You’re right. He fought well at the
risk of his own life.”
Atrebus nodded. “And your sacrifice has been greater than you ever
thought it would be, hasn’t it?”
I stared at him, unsure of what he meant.
He smiled. “Go. Join your friend in the stream.”
A bit too eagerly, I splashed in after Harry. “Yow!”
The Commander laughed along with the hunters. “You two have had it
too soft for too long.” But he grimaced a little himself as he stepped in.
Mordak threw each of us a long fleshy stem. “Snap it. Use the juice
to clean yourselves.”
Harry obeyed and gave a small yelp. “It stings.”
Chakotay snapped his and sniffed. “It smells like witch hazel and may
have the same cleansing properties.”
“Yeah? Well, I’d be mighty careful where I rubbed the stuff.”
As unpleasant and cold as the river was, I did feel more invigorated
when we finally waded out. On the bank, new clothes waited for us along
with our boots, commbadges, and rank insignia. The pants itched like crazy,
but they were warm, and after a while, I stopped noticing. We fastened
the cloaks around our shoulders with our commbadges, slipping small knives
into sheaths on the belts as a final touch.
“Come. Praega and your companion wait.” The taller hunter beckoned.
Cait sat in the leader’s house by the fire. She wore a long teal-green
dress and a full-length gold cape. Her hair had been released from its ponytail
and was gathered back in two places by metal combs. I had never seen her in a
dress before. No longer a security officer, she had transformed into some
woodland maiden from a fairy tale. I couldn’t take my eyes off her.
“Ah, Chakotay.” Praega looked up as we entered the dwelling. “I have
been trying to convince Caitlin to show me how the tricorder works, but she has
refused. She claims your provider would be displeased. However, she has been
sharing the story of your journey with us.”
“Oh?”
Cait flashed the Commander a re-assuring smile. “Yes. I told him how
we were taken from our various peoples by a powerful being and left to fend
for ourselves. I also told him how with the help of the Voyager we have joined
together in an attempt to return to our various homes.”
Praega nodded. “A very noble tale. Atrebus is correct; you are worthy
of our hospitality.”
“Thank you. We appreciate your generosity,” Chakotay replied with a
slight bow of his head.
The chief acknowledged the supplication with a small nod of his own.
“You will stay with my family in our houses while you are here. Caitlin will
stay with my daughters, unless she is your wife.”
Harry glanced at me as Cait stifled a snicker. The Commander shook
his head. “No, those arrangements will be quite satisfactory.”
“Good. You are fortunate to have come when you did. It is a special
time for us; a new year is about to begin. The feast to honour Caillach will
begin tomorrow at sundown in the center of the village. I hope you will
attend.”
“Of course. We would be honoured to.”
“Excellent. Please feel free to move about the village. If you are
hungry, you will find plenty to eat in the market. Tell them you are my
guests, and your needs will be met. Dinner will be at sundown; Rhineld will
fetch you.”
“Thank you. You have been most kind,” Chakotay acknowledged. “May I
have the tricorder back?”
A taunt line of mutual suspicion stretched between the two men.
Praega’s dark eyes measured the first officer with skilled deliberation.
“Here. Take it. I do not make a habit of stealing religious objects from
others. One day, they may do the same to me.”
The Commander placed the device in the pouch on his belt before
motioning for the rest of us to follow him out. Cautiously, we threaded our
way through the market, stopping by a food stand to obtain some fruit, bread,
and a few delicious pieces of roasted meat on a stick. As soon as I took my
first bite, I realized just how hungry I was; events up until that moment had
overshouted my rumbling stomach.
Most of the buyers were women, purchasing food and household items,
while their children dashed about all over the place. Laughter and intense
haggling ruled the day, and Cait’s face glowed with excitement.
In spite of the crowd, we tried to stay together, but two kids darted
around the corner of a stall and plowed straight into Cait. By the time I
helped her up, Harry and Chakotay had disappeared.
“Oh great,” I muttered. “Now, where have they gone?”
Cait dusted off her dress. “Does it matter? It’s a small market;
we’re bound to bump into them again.”
“I suppose you’re right.” My eyes sifted anxiously through the sea
of heads. It was irrational, but I half-expected some Langarian guard to step
out of a stall. I tried to shake off the fear, but it clung on tenatiously.
A comforting hand touched my arm. “Tom? Everything’s fine. We’re
safe. Don’t worry.”
“Yeah, I know.” Taking a cleansing breath, I squeezed her hand and
tried to smile. “Let’s look over there.” I pointed to the smoky stall of a
smith, who specialized in armaments.
Cait picked up one of his knives and flipped it in her hand. “Nice
balance. Good weight.”
I lifted my eyes skyward. “Wonderful, Athena. Shall I have him forge
a shield for you while we’re here, too?”
“Very funny, Paris, but I’m not all weaponry. I also have my
soft side. Remember?”
I stroked my chin. “You know, I think I heard a rumor to that effect,”
She stared at me quietly and then looked away, her voice barely audible
over the smith striking a sword. “Even myths have some basis in fact, Tom.”
A painful ache twisted in my chest. I could remember all right: the
pliant breast beneath my hand this morning, its tight nipple poking the
center of my palm. I cleared my throat. “Let’s move on.”
I grabbed her elbow and led her toward the next stall, almost colliding
with the old man, Atrebus, in the process.
“Ah, there you are. Are you enjoying yourselves?”
“Yes.” Cait brightened. “Very much so. The level of artisanry is
extremely impressive.”
“True. True. The time of Caillach brings out the best in people.
Oh, I have something for you.” Out of his bag, he withdrew a light cream-
coloured flower. “It is an eloren rose. I found it during my gathering. Rare
and beautiful. Like you, my dear. Ah, to be younger.” With a small chuckle,
he handed the blossom to Cait before disappearing into the crowd.
Tentatively, she took a sniff. “Mmmm. Smell. Lovely, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, it suits you.” The scent was almost intoxicating in power, and
yet, not unpleasantly so. I tried not to laugh as she wrestled the flower
into her hair.
We took a few more steps; then paused while Cait adjusted the flower.
“Damn. I can’t get it to stay.”
“Here.” I guided her in between two dwellings out of the way of
the crowd. “Let me try.” I released one of the combs and imbedded the rose’s
stem firmly between two tines. “There. Now, let’s see if that doesn’t work.”
I pulled up a portion of her hair, pinning it gently in place with the
comb. Shining green eyes lifted up to me, and our gazes locked, the fragrance
of the blossom filling my every breath. She looked so beautiful, so incredibly
beautiful, that I clasped her face in my hands and kissed her. At first, she
tensed, but then her arms wrapped around my neck. Encouraged by a small moan,
my kisses grew in intensity. All I could think about was how much I wanted her
and how much she wanted me. A wedge of approaching voices finally forced
us apart.
“Cait, I-I’m so sorry.” I backed away quickly. I couldn’t believe
what I had just done.
Her hand reached out for me. “Tom, it’s all right. I enjoyed it.”
I jerked my arm out of her grasp. “Look, maybe we should split up
and search for Chakotay and Harry. They’ve got to be around here somewhere.”
“Split up?”
“Yeah, you check over there, and I’ll check over here. Yell if you
find them.” Before she had a chance to reply, I darted around the back of the
dwelling. I lied. I had no intention of looking for anyone; I only wanted
to get away from her. Passing behind some of the outer most houses, I sunk to
the cold ground beside the village wall.
“You’re such an idiot, Paris. A real screw-up, you know that. Just
how many ways can you find to cause her misery? Only friends. ONLY friends.
Goddammit!” I smashed my knuckles into one of the logs.
“You love her, don’t you?”
My head whipped around. Atrebus limped over and leaned against a pile
of wood. “Yes, I can see you do. And yet, you sacrifice that love willingly.”
“No.” I wrung my stinging hand. “Not willingly.”
“Then why?”
“Does it matter? She deserves someone better, that’s all. Someone
unscarred” I stared at the ground. Couldn’t he see I wanted to be alone?
“I do not understand. Scars gained in battle should be borne proudly.
Only those gotten through punishment should be hidden away. So, why do you hide
yours?”
“Look, you’re right. You don’t understand. I didn’t get them
in battle.”
“Oh? That is not what Chakotay says. He respects them and the man
who bears them.”
I cut loose a harsh laugh. *Amazing what a man has to go through just
to get a little respect.*
“There is nothing funny in what I just said, Paris. What I said is the
truth. What is amusing in that?”
“The idea of Chakotay respecting me. You don’t know our history.”
“I see.” His brow furrowed for a moment. “If you did not receive your
scars in battle or as punishment, how did you obtain them?”
*Oh, what the hell, Thomas. Tell him. He’s already seen them; you’ve
got nothing to lose.* I took a deep breath. “We were on a trade mission for
our people. Another, er, tribe had agreed to provide us with some needed
supplies. At first, they were friendly, but without provocation, they took me
prisoner and tortured me. The scars are what remain of the wounds they
inflicted.” I grinned ruefully. “Hardly something to be proud of, being
trussed up and helpless.”
The grey head cocked to one side. “Why did they capture you?”
“They wanted me to give them information.”
“To what end?”
I sighed impatiently. “I guess you could say they wanted to conquer
our people.”
“And did you give them what they wanted?”
“No.”
“So,” the old man paused, looking up at the sky. “Under great pain,
you refused to betray your people. Noble, very noble.”
“Yeah, right. The scars simply scream nobility.”
His staff smacked the ground. “Young fool! Look beyond what your eyes
see. Your eyes can lie; smiling, kind faces lie. Open your heart. See what
exists beyond the flesh. Would the woman, Caitlin, give herself to one so
dishonoured as you feel yourself to be?
“No.” He answered his own question before I could reply. “She would
not.” He hauled himself to his feet and shuffled over to pat my shoulder.
“The spirits have brought you here to be healed, my boy. Allow it, and then,
claim the reward that is offered.” With a knowing wink, he moved slowly back
toward the market.
I stayed there a few minutes longer before heading to the market
myself. Cait had found Chakotay and Harry, who were watching with amusement
as she took on two other hunters in a knife-throwing competition. She didn’t
win, but the game was close enough to remind me to keep sharp objects out of
her reach whenever we had an argument.
Harry spotted me as I walked up. “Hey Paris, where the devil did
you disappear to?”
“Me? I was looking for you two, and then, I got sidetracked by the
village shaman.”
Cait turned around, her eyes lighting on my scraped knuckles. A small
flush crept into my cheeks as I hid my injury behind my back. Should I pull
her aside and apologize? Part of me didn’t want to apologize. Part of me had
enjoyed kissing her and wanted to do it again. Of course, that same part
wanted to touch her, bite her, and taste her until she screamed in pleasure.
The insidious scent of the rose crept into my nose. Oh gods, what do
I do? “Keep your distance, Thomas.” A voice inside my head commanded. “You
aren’t ready yet.” I took its advice.

THE PARIS JOURNALS, vol. VI

Amelioration
Part 4

by Carly Hunter
copyright 1996

At sunset, the market place cleared and cheery fires lit the insides
of the homes. As we approached Praega’s house, Rhineld came to the door and
welcomed us in with a gap-toothed smile.
Two tables, low to the ground, stood next to each other. On the floor,
piles of skins served as cushions. Fifteen of us were present: the four of us,
seven men, and four women. Praega sat at the head of the tables and motioned
for Chakotay to sit on his right. Cait sat next to him; then came Harry and
me. Atrebus placed a heavy hand on my shoulder and lowered himself to the
ground with Rhineld’s assistance. I wasn’t quite sure if he would be able to
get back up, but I kept my mouth shut.
The meal consisted of some meat, several vegetable dishes, fruit,
and bread. To drink, we were served a sweet, mead-like substance in large
clay mugs. There were no eating utensiles; you used your knives and fingers.
We all took generous portions of most of the dishes, but Chakotay
abstained from taking any of the meat. Some of the men noticed this and made a
few effeminate jests. With a frown, Praega silenced them, but could not
restrain his own curiosity.
The Commander smiled indulgently. “I do not eat meat. It is against
my religion.”
“But the others do.” The leader pointed to the three of us.
“Our people are from many different tribes, Praega. We all follow
different beliefs. Vegetarianism is part of mine.”
“Then, it is a religion for children and toothless old women.” A man
with a flaming red beard laughed.
Chakotay regarded him silently as a corresponding hush fell over the
tables. “That is your opinion, but it is incorrect.”
“Really?” The mustached upper lip curled. “Do you sit there willing
to prove it?”
“If it is necessary.”
“Stand then, and show your courage, or your lack of it.” The agitator
jumped to his feet brandishing his knife.
The Commander glanced around the table. “I do not wish to fight you.”
“He must,” Atrebus whispered. “To not do so is a sign of cowardice
and disrespect to Praega.”
I nodded. “C’mon, Chakotay. Show ’em what you’ve got.”
He glanced at me in surprise. I jerked my head toward Atrebus, who
bobbed his approval.
With cautious ease, the first officer rose to his feet, removing
his cloak. “Very well. If you wish to challenge me, I accept.”
Praega’s mouth spread in a wide grin. “Well, Cordix, your challenge is
met. Now, what will you do?”
“Make him regret he took it.”
The two men stepped away from the table. Cordix lunged at Chakotay,
who neatly sidestepped the blow. Undaunted, the hunter attacked again.
This time, the Commander caught the man’s wrist, and in three quick moves,
he had Cordix on his knees, the knife resting against the beard.
“There. I believe this should settle any questions you had.” Tossing
down the weapon, Chakotay retook his seat.
“Well done.” Praega acknowledged. “I have never seen such moves
before. You must teach them to me.”
“If there is time, I will,” the Commander responded guardedly. “But
the moves are deceptive. They are not as easy to master as they appear. Those
particular moves can only be used at certain times. On other occasions,
different responses are appropriate.”
“Fascinating. Tell me more.” Praega leaned closer to Chakotay, and I
watched in amusement as the first officer squirmed under the weight of the
prime directive.
I polished off my first cup of mead, and it blazed a path to the pit
of my stomach. I had to be careful. Only potent liquor did that to me this
quickly on top of food.
“Take it easy on that stuff,” I mumbled in Harry’s ear. “I’ve got the
feeling it’s got an evil kick.”
“I have the feeling you’re right,” he slurred. “I’m already pretty
relaxed.”
“Then, eat some food, especially bread, and don’t drink any more if
you can help it.”
“What are you two talking about?” Cait leaned over Harry, her eyes
shining with a dulled brightness.
“I’m warning him off the mead. It’s pretty potent. Maybe you should
cut back, too.”
She giggled. “So, I get a little tipsy; I’ll be careful.”
“Cait.” I tried to scold her, but felt the sudden urge to laugh
myself. Maybe I was a little further gone than I had first thought.
“You should have mentioned that your cup was empty,” a soft voice
purred in my ear. One of the women leaned across me to fill it, allowing her
breasts to graze my arm. She was pretty, I’ll give her that, and, um, quite
well-endowed.
I flashed her my trademark grin out of habit. “If I had known you were
so near, I would have said something.”
She giggled and winked before moving on to fill Harry’s mug. After
making the rounds of the tables with her pitcher, she settled herself between
Atrebus and yours truly. She slipped an unwanted arm around my neck and
proceeded to dunk a piece of bread in the libation and raise it to my lips.
Afraid of insulting her, I accepted the offering, but I could feel Cait’s
eyes upon me.
One of the hunters pointed at me and laughed, whispering something to
Mordak on his right. Mordak, however, didn’t find the comment so amusing
and rose rapidly to his feet. He stepped around the table and slapped her arm
from around my shoulders. Grabbing my tunic, he hauled me roughly to my feet
and addressed the young woman beside us. “So, now you prefer the blond lack-
beard here.”
“Look,” I began. “There’s been a bit of a misunderstanding. I didn’t
know you and she were together. If I had, I-”
A fist struck me hard on the side of my mouth, cutting off my apology.
I swung my head slowly back around, tasting the blood, my blood. I gazed into
his angry face, and something inside snapped. *I’m not going to let them hurt
me again.*
I broke free of his grip and hurled him across the table. I leapt
after him, and he intercepted me in mid-flight, sending us both to the ground.
We rolled over and over, until I landed a blow on his jaw. As he lay there
stunned, I scrambled up and jerked him to his knees, smashing my fist against
his face. I brought his head back around with a stinging backhand, leaving a
smear of blood across his cheek. I drew my fist back to hit him again when a
strong hand caught my wrist. Furious my attack had been halted, I spun on
the interloper.
A worried Chakotay stood beside me. “That’s enough, Paris. Let
him go.”
I looked from him to the bloodied man I held in front of me. At first,
I didn’t even make the connection between what he said and what I was doing.
It was like he was talking to someone else.
“Let him go, Paris.”
Dazed, I released the fabric in my hand and watched Mordak crumple.
The woman who had caused all this rushed over and knelt beside him. Angered
and probably humiliated, he shoved her away.
“Are you all right, Tom?”
I stared at Chakotay blankly. *If he hadn’t stopped me . . .* I had
never felt such blind rage before. I couldn’t even see the room, only the man
in front of me, who I wanted to-. *Oh, gods!* I shuddered. I didn’t want to
think about it.
Behind the first officer, all eyes in the room focused on me.
Praega’s, Harry’s, Cait’s. A warm wave of nausea rose within me. I had to get
out of there.
“Excuse me.”
I stumbled out of the building to a tree a few meters away. My stomach
gave a telltale lurch, and I threw up. As the heaves subsided, I became aware
of someone standing beside me. Figuring it was Cait or Chakotay, I glanced up.
Atrebus leaned on his stick. “They have given you a new name.”
“Oh, yeah?” I slid down the tree in exhaustion. “What’s that?”
“Camulos. It means crazed one.”
I examined my hand. The skin over the knuckles was shredded.
A disparaging smirk settled on my lips. “That’s me, a complete loon. I don’t
know what happened; I could have killed him.”
“You carry far more anger in you than you realize. It is good that
you have been brought here. It is indeed time that you were healed. Come, we
will go where we can talk and replace the dinner you have lost.”
“No. That’s nice of you to offer, but-”
“Stubborn fool!” His stick tapped me on the leg. “That is not a
request; that is an order. Now, get up.” The staff prodded me again.
“All right, all right. I’m coming. Just stop poking me.”
I followed him to a small dwelling a few meters away from the others.
In its center was a small hearth; opposite the door was a mud ledge covered
with a skins to serve as a bed; along the walls hung a variety of drying herbs.
The old man released a rope from a hook on the wall, and a large, thick
hide fell across the doorway. “There. We will not be disturbed. Welcome to
my workshop, Paris. Sit. Sit.” He motioned to the bed. “Make yourself
comfortable while I see about your dinner.”
I didn’t know what he had in the larder, but faced with the choice of
staying here or going back to the others at Praega’s house, I opted to stay
where I was. It would be far less humiliating. Taking a seat on the bed, I
watched him busy himself over a small table. First, he poured out two mugs of
mead; then he sliced some bread and raw vegetables, placing them on a wooden
serving board.
“Here.” He handed me a mug and the board. “Eat. Difficult topics
cannot be discussed on an empty stomach.”
I took a sip of mead. It left a trail of fire all the way to my
stomach. Hesitantly, I bit into the bread and swallowed. That helped some.
So, I ate a little more, and before I knew it, I had cleaned the “plate”.
“Good,” he noted, nudging the cup in my hand. “Now we will talk.
When you were captured, did you fight back?”
I sipped the mead nervously. “Look, do we have to talk about this.
I’ve been over it already with Chakotay.”
“And did he say you had mended?”
“Not completely.”
“Then, we must talk about it.” He grasped my damaged hand and released
it before hobbling back to the table. “Did you fight back?”
“No, I couldn’t.” I paused for a minute trying to figure out how to
phrase my reply. “You see, the others more or less jumped me and knocked me
out. When I came to, I was bound too securely to do anything.”
“But you managed to escape.”
I shook my head. “Wrong again. I was too injured to do that.
Chakotay and Harry rescued me. For days afterwards, I was so sick, I couldn’t
even eat.”
“I see, and this shames you, doesn’t it?”
“Wouldn’t it you?”
He stroked his chin. “Perhaps. Have you fought these people
since then?”
“No. Once I was back, we discontinued any contact with them. The only
place they’ve appeared since then is in my nightmares.”
“Ah, that is important. Do you fight back in your dreams?” Atrebus
took my hand again and began to bathe it with a cool cloth.
“No, I can’t.”
“Then, you remain helpless in your dreams and in your life. When the
dreams come, you must fight back.” He tied the cloth over my knuckles.
“Do not continue to perceive yourself as powerless. Tonight has shown that you
are not. Now, you must show yourself this.”
I took a few more swallows of my drink and blinked a couple of times
to refocus my blurred vision.
His fuzzy image smiled with compassion. “You are tired. Sleep here
tonight. No one will disturb you.”
“But my friends-”
“I will tell them where you are. For now, it is important that you
sleep.” He stood up and taking the mug from my hand, pushed my shoulders down
onto the bed.
I was in no condition to argue. Exhaustion overwhelmed my defenses.
Cradled in the warmth of the mead, my body lacked the will to resist the lure
of sleep.
“Remember,” the wrinkled voice whispered. “Fight your enemies in the
dreams. Show yourself that you are strong and full of life.”

I woke up what seemed like hours later. The fire in the hearth
had gone out. I pulled the blanket up over my shoulders and rolled
over. Someone was beside me. I touched the shoulder; it was cold
and bare. I gave it a gentle shake. “Hey.”
The reply was a small wimper.
“Hey, it’s okay. I won’t hurt you. I just want to know who
you are.”
Another wimper responded, and the shoulder shrugged away from
my hand.
I got out of bed. The ashes in the hearth still smoldered,
and after a couple of attempts, I managed to get a fire going again.
Now I could at least see the figure. Whoever it was had pulled
the blanket over his head and lay curled up in a tight ball.
I sat back down, giving the shoulder another shake.
“Hey, c’mon. Talk to me. Maybe I can help.”
“No, please. Go away. Leave me alone.”
“That’s not a very healthy attitude. C’mon, at least let me
see your face.”
“If I do,” the figured snuffled. “Will you leave me alone?”
“If that’s what you want, yes.”
“All right.” With another snuffle, the figure turned over and
lowered the blanket.
It didn’t even look like a face anymore, the injuries had
deformed it so. The lower lip had ballooned to twice its normal size
and had split open in three places. A crusted trickle of unwiped blood
ran from the left nostril to the jaw. The blackened right eye had
swollen shut. The left eye registered my horror in its blue depths
and misted over.
“There, now you’ve seen me; so go away.” I pulled the covers
up over my head and rolled away. “No one can help me. No one.”
A noise came from outside the dwelling. *Oh gods!* They were
coming back! The flap of the door rose. A tremor ran through my body
as a long, dark shadow fell against the wall.
“Wake up, my boy. It’s time for the feast.” Atrebus patted
my shoulder. “You don’t want to miss that.”
“Wha-? Oh-uh-no.” I sat up, groggy. “I just need to get
dressed. Um, where are my clothes?”
“You don’t need them. You are among friends. Come.”
A withered hand pulled back the blanket, exposing my body.
I glanced down at the scars. “I-I can’t go out there. Not
like this.”
“Nonsense. Do you think you’re the only one who bears scars?
You’re a fool if you do. Now come on.”
Taking a deep breath, I sluggishly got to my feet.
“Good.” He pulled aside the skin and we stepped out.
Small fires lit up the market place. Some of the villagers
danced or chased one another around them. Others gorged themselves on
food, and still others engaged in open sex. My mouth fell open.
An honest-to-gods Bacchanalia!
I scanned quickly for Cait and the other officers. Chakotay
danced around one of the fires, but I didn’t see Harry or Cait. Then,
I spotted them sitting together. Jealous, I watched my best friend’s
hand slide over Cait’s shoulder and down her breast. A small smile
spread across her face as she leaned forward to kiss him.
My fists clenched at my sides. How could they? He knew how
I felt about her.
“It seems that you have lost her,” Atrebus observed. “Or have
you? Are you willing to stand here, or are you willing to fight?”
“I-I don’t know.” I averted my eyes. Too late. The image
seared its way into my mind.
“You can still stop them. They have not consumated their love
yet, but you must act now.”
I looked back. Harry’s hand was between her legs. *NO!*
Only I touched her like that. I ran over and grabbed his arm,
jerking him to his feet.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing, Paris?”
“Me? What about you?”
He smiled lasciviously. “I have every right to touch her. She
was sitting here all by herself when I found her. Weren’t you, Cait?”
I shoved him, hard. “Don’t call her that! Only I call her
Cait.”
“Then, why don’t you? She said no one called her that anymore.
She said no one touched her anymore. She needed someone, and I was
here. If you want her, take her; otherwise, get out of my way.”
I glanced down at Cait, her pale skin golden in the firelight.
She looked up at me with wide eyes.
“Do you really want me, Tom?”
My breath caught in my throat. I knelt in front of her and
began kissing along her collarbone. “Yes, Cait, I do. More than
anything.”
Her arms wrapped around my neck. “Then make me yours.
Please.”
Tiny shivers of electricity coursed through my body. We kissed
deeply, our tongues darting about in hungry exploration. She was mine.
I was hers. We were finally together.

I rolled over and stared up at the roof. Overhead, a thin beam of
daylight forced its way through the thatch and hit me straight in the eye.
Atrebus walked in just as I bolted up.
“Good. You are awake. How do you feel?”
I searched for his image between the multi-coloured spots. “Okay.
How long have I been asleep?”
“Several hours. It is now mid-day, and you must be hungry. Here.” He
passed me a bowl of assorted berries and two other pieces of fruit, as well as
a mug of cold water.
Without hesitation, I downed the lot. I was surprised. After last
night, I figured my head would be the size of a watermelon, but I actually felt
halfway decent. “My friends must be worried.”
“No, I told them you were fine. I even brought Caitlin in here to
prove it. She would not take my word.” His mouth crinkled. “She sat and
watched you for almost an hour this morning. Such love and devotion is rare.
You must not waste it.”
“I don’t want to waste it. She means a great deal to me; I’ve told her
that time and time again.”
“Then, why keep her away? Share your heart with her.”
I gave a wry chuckle. “Easier said than done.”
“Hmph. For a coward, perhaps, but are you such a coward? Didn’t you
fight back in your dreams?”
“There was no one to fight, at least the other tribe never showed up.”
“Fear is not your enemy? What about hesitancy? Don’t you see? It is
not the other tribe you must fight; it is yourself. The scars do not keep you
from enjoying life; you do. What was it Caitlin said you told her? `The past
makes us who we are, but it does not control who we become’?”
I coughed. “I said that?”
“A long time ago, according to her, but it still holds true today.” He
patted my shoulder. “Go down to the stream and bathe. It will help you wake
up. Tonight is the feast, after all, and you don’t want to miss that. The
singing, the dancing, the food.” A nostalgic expression wandered across his
face, yielding quickly to one of sorrow.
“You and your friends were fortunate to come when you did. The harvest
was plentiful this year, for us and for most of our neighbors, but this is not
always the case. A good harvest brings contentment; a poor one brings war.”
He lowered himself onto the bed beside me. “I have seen much in my
lifetime; some might even say too much. I have witnessed acts of both bravery
and cowardice, and I have learned that sometimes the only difference lies
in the eye of the beholder. For example, many, many years ago, a young man
about your age came to this village with his wife and their newborn child. He
was only a fair warrior and an even worse hunter, but he was a great speaker.
He could settle disputes with one word, and everyone in the village grew to
respect his opinion. In no time, his wise counsel came to the attention of
our leader, Gotan, Praega’s grandfather, who quickly seized upon this young
man’s potential.
“The next year, we had a terrible harvest, as did most of our
neighbors, and as a result, the tribes took to raiding each other for food.
The young man derived a solution to the problem, but it required him to journey
as an envoy to each of the tribes. While he was away, one of the tribes
attacked this village. Within two weeks, he returned and brought peace, having
convinced all the parties to lay down their arms and share their meager
resources. He was hailed as a hero by all, save his wife and child. They had
been killed during the raid.
“For years afterward, he was praised both at home and abroad for
his brave deed, but inside, he carried the guilt and shame of a coward because
he had not been here for his family. Deep down, he knew that if he had been
here they might have died anyway. More importantly, he knew that he might have
died, too, and with him the possibility for peace. But none of this
mattered, and each decision he made after their deaths was tinged with fear,
lest someone else pay the same price his family had.
“He avoided the close company of any woman, even though most families
saw him as an excellent match for their daughters. Gotan, himself, tried
to arrange a marriage between his own daughter and this young man, but he
would not accept it. However, three years later, a new family moved into the
village. They, too, had a daughter. She was not beautiful like Gotan’s, and
she was not rich, but she had a smile that shamed the brightest dawn and a
quick wit that shamed most of the hunters. The moment he saw her, the young
man fell in love; yet, he did nothing. He watched her turn away suitor after
suitor, but still he did nothing. Unaware of the man’s feelings, her father
came to him in desperation and begged him to help his daughter see reason.
“It was at that time, the advisor realized what the spirits had been
trying to tell him all along: that there comes a time when fear has to be put
aside; that life must continue, no matter what sorrows may accompany it.
The following year, they presented their newborn son at Caillach’s festival for
blessing.
“Decisions must be made, my child. Life does not stop because one
is afraid; it continues, leaving those who hesitate behind.” A stern frown
creased his brow. “Do not let it pass you by. Overcome your fears, and let
your new life start tonight.”
I swallowed hard under his crushing gaze. “Like I told you, easier
said than done.”
“Of course, if it was easy to do, you would not need my wise counsel.”
He chuckled, taking the bowl from my hand. “Go. Take you bath.”
In silent obedience, I rose to my feet and picked up my cloak. At the
door, I paused. “What happened to the man and his family, if you don’t mind
my asking?”
“Ten years later, he died a hero’s death defending the village. Thanks
to his efforts and those of others, many – including his wife and child –
survived.”
“Not a very happy ending, is it?”
“That depends on how you look at it. For those ten years, the family
was very happy. At his death, he left his wife and son with nothing but
pleasant memories, while he had the satisfaction of dying a noble death
defending them.”
“I guess.” I lifted the flap and ducked out. A cold dip actually
sounded refreshing.

THE PARIS JOURNALS, vol. VI

Amelioration
Part 5

by Carly Hunter
copyright 1996

The water chilled me to the bone, but I braved it, feeling much more
energetic when I waded out. Instead of heading immediately back to village,
I detoured into the woods.
Everything seemed so full of life, even though it was fall. The
weather-beaten surface of every tree radiated a strength which tingled in my
fingertips; with each step, the newly-lain carpet crackled beneath my feet.
Through the overhead whispers of half-naked branches, the hushed thrum of
powerful wings reached my ears. A large black bird whooshed past and beckoned
me to follow. Like some kid, I chased it along its wind-guided course,
my heart pumping furiously as I scaled a ridge in pursuit. With a loud cry
of triumph, the bird landed in a tall pine.
Gulping down air, I collapsed to the ground beneath the tree,
tears of sweat trickling down my face. Warm sunlight shone down through the
branches. I hadn’t felt this alive in a long time. No shame. No guilt.
Only flushed, glowing freedom.
With another cry, the bird disappeared, but I remained there, not
thinking, not wanting to think, only listening to the living sounds around me.
The uneven murmur of the wind. The steady thud of nearby axes. Twirling a
gold leaf between my fingers, I sat in an exhausted peace, as silent as the
tree which supported me.
Unknown amounts of time passed before the vermilion sky told me it was
time to head back to the village. On the way, I stopped by the river to scrub
the salty crust off my cheeks. As I smoothed my hair back, I checked my
reflection in the shiny pommel of my knife. A lot of good it did me.
The image was too distorted to be of much use. I’d just have to smile and hope
for the best.
The market place had been cleared and tables were brought out of the
dwellings to form a crescent at one end of the yard. In the middle of the
area, great loads of wood had been gathered into a huge mound, with smaller
piles located nearer the tables. Atrebus marched solemnly before the large
mass with a torch. Uttering an incantation, which I couldn’t hear, he lit it.
As I watched the pyre catch, a shoulder nudged mine. Harry stood
beside me. “Hey, sleepyhead. Looked like you were going to sleep through
tonight’s festivities for a while there.”
“Maybe, but I’m bright-eyed and bushy-tailed now. Where are the
others?”
“Chakotay’s trying his damndest to uphold the prime directive, and
Cait’s helping Rhineld and some of the women prepare the food.” He chuckled.
“I always forget she can cook. Somehow it seems too domestic for her.”
I snickered with him. “I know what you mean, but she’s fantastic in
the kitchen. Although, a part of that might have something to do with Neelix’s
unusual cuisine, and what he does to spice up time-honoured recipes.”
“Probably.” He paused, knitting his brow. “How are you doing,
old man? The other men were impressed by your actions last night, but to be
honest, it worried me. I’ve never seen you lose control like that before.”
My gaze dropped to my bandaged hand. “To tell you the truth, Harry,
it frightened the hell out of me. I’ve never been so angry in my life,
not even after I was kicked out of Star Fleet. I passed way beyond anger and
flew straight into blind rage. I guess I didn’t realize how much ire I had
suppressed over a lot of things. But now I do; so now I can deal with it.”
I tried to sound optimistic both for him and for myself.
My friend nodded. “And if you ever need help, my door is always open,
no matter what time it is.”
“Unless B’Elanna’s visiting,” I teased.
“I’m serious, Paris. Even if B’Elanna’s there. We’re both your
friends; we both care what happens to you.”
“I know, and believe me, I’ll probably take you up on that offer some
day. But a lot of this I can only work out on my own.”
“I’m aware of that, but I wanted to confirm the offer anyway.”
My hand clapped him on the shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. “You
are one helluva friend, Harry. Thanks.” Glancing back to the main fire,
I blinked away the mist in my eyes. “C’mon, let’s go see what we can do
to help them.”
He and I helped carry in some more wood and tended one of the smaller
fires until we were relieved and shown to our seats. Just as last night,
Chakotay sat next to Praega, followed by Cait, Harry, and myself. The seat
next to me remained empty; so I assumed it was for Atrebus, who stood before
the large bonfire presenting food before the blaze, an offering or blessing,
I wasn’t sure which.
Immense amounts of food were passed around, and liberal portions
were encouraged to offset the great quantities of mead which were poured forth.
Three men brought drums and a pipe before the main table to accompany a bard.
After his tale, there was more music, and some people got up to dance.
I looked from table to table. Everyone seemed to be having a good
time. Praega, Chakotay and Cait talked and laughed. Maybe she was telling him
the Ferengi tale. Harry spoke with the pipe player, one musician to another.
I just sat back and watched Cait. For some odd reason, I didn’t feel left out
of their conversation; it was simply nice to see her having a good time, eyes
sparkling, mouth spread in a wide, infectious smile.
She turned her head and saw me observing her. Pulling herself across
the skins, she settled in beside me. “Having fun?”
I nodded. “You?”
“Mmm-hmm, but you looked lonely over here.”
“Not really. I’m just taking it all in. Watching everything and
everybody.”
“Oh?” A flirtatious eyebrow shot up. “Including me?”
“Yeah, including you.” Gods, she looked beautiful in the firelight,
exactly as she had in my dream.
Her face lit up catching me off-guard. “I like the sound of that.”
“I thought you might.” My heart pounded. She sat so close. I took
a big gulp of mead to bolster the ol’ nerves.
She glanced down briefly. “You know, I was pretty worried about you
after last night. The old man said you were all right, but I didn’t believe
him.”
“I know. He said you made him bring you to me.”
She nodded. “We’ve had our blowouts in past, but I’ve never seen you
that angry before. If Chakotay hadn’t stepped in, I honestly thought you
would, well, that is, I was afraid you-”
“Would kill Mordak?” I finished. “Harry said as much to me earlier.
I guess I’ve been carrying a lot more anger inside than even I was aware of.
Chakotay warned me this might happen if I didn’t- well, if I wasn’t careful.”
My gaze darted nervously back toward the bonfire. After last night, there was
no way in hell she would let me come near her. If I was a woman, I wouldn’t.
“Are you still angry at the Langarians?” She pressed on. “I thought
you had worked past that.” (Sometimes she just doesn’t let things drop.)
I sighed and slowly set my mug down. “No, I’m angry at myself,
I think. Part of me is ready to get on with my life, another part isn’t, and
I’m caught somewhere in the middle.”
“I can remember how that is.” She leaned in closer. “Even after I had
healed physically from the rape, I kept saying I felt sick just so I could stay
in bed. I didn’t want to see anyone or do anything; I couldn’t face going on
with my life. I think my dad knew all along I was lying, but he let me get
away with it for a while, hoping I would snap myself out of it. When I didn’t,
he finally sat down on the side of my bed and told me how proud he was of me,
of how well I had handled myself, of what a fighter I was, etc. The next day,
I pushed myself out of bed. I wanted to show him I was worthy of his
praise. It was hard at first, but with each day, it grew easier. I simply
needed a gentle prod to get going.” A distant, wistful expression covered
her face as she gazed out at the dancers. “He knew me so well; even after all
these years, I still miss him.”
“I know you do,” I whispered. I took my hand and brushed some of her
hair behind her shoulder. “And he wasn’t the only person proud of you.”
The green eyes swung back to me, firelight flickering in their
cheerless depths. All I wanted to do was comfort her, to somehow wipe away
the pain she felt. I lowered my head towards hers. Without warning, she
pulled away.
“Whoops! Looks like I lost my seat.”
I could not believe Harry’s poor timing.
“No, that’s all right. I’ll move.” Before I could say anything, Cait
scooted away.
My friend sat down, a contrite look on his face. “I’m sorry, Paris.
I didn’t mean to-”
“No, no. It’s okay,” I muttered. “My timing was off anyway.”
The dark eyes cast me a worried glance before he spiked a roasted tuber
with his knife. I swallowed the last of my mead. I doubted I would have
another chance like that tonight.
As the evening wore on, the music became more intense, the dancing
more frenetic. I think I was on my third cup of mead when, looking over
Harry’s head, Cait’s glassy eyes again met mine. My breath became short and
quick. *If we were only on Voyager. . .*
“Take her to my workshop. No one will bother you there.”
Dragging my gaze from Cait, I turned to Atrebus. “But-”
“No buts. Caillach’s healing power fills us all tonight. Do not waste
the chance you have been given. Go.”
I must have been a lot drunker than I realized because I didn’t stop to
think about what I was doing. Scrambling to my feet, I crouched down behind
Cait taking one of her hands in mine. Her eyes opened wide, but she didn’t say
a word, allowing me to lead her to the tiny dwelling.
Once inside, I released the rope from its hook and let the thick hide
fall over the opening. A fire was already lit in the center hearth, casting
lively shadows along the walls. Through the door, I could still hear the music
keeping time with my racing heart. Gingerly, I removed the combs from her
hair and brought my mouth to hers, the sweet taste of mead present on her lips.
The scars, the memories that haunted my every moment suddenly didn’t matter so
much anymore. The only thing I cared about now was showing Cait how much I
loved her.
I don’t actually remember undressing her or myself. One instant we
stood face to face fully clothed; the next, I knelt naked before her, drinking
in her scent. I kissed her belly repeatedly, circling the womb that I had
hoped would one day carry our child. As she sighed softly, tears welled up in
my eyes and I pressed my cheek to her stomach to staunch their flow, my breath
trembling. I didn’t know if I could go through with it. I felt warm, then
cold, then warm again. My stomach twisted, sending acid into my throat.
Her fingers raked lightly through my hair. “Tom, it’s all right. We
don’t have to.”
*Coward.* Giving into fear seemed so easy, so simple, but if I did,
I would lose Cait for good: not because she would walk away, but because
I would. “Yes, Cait. We do. I want to make love to you tonight.”
I rose to my feet, and she led me to the bed. We touched. We kissed.
We reacquainted ourselves until instinct took over, spurning the music outside
for an internal rhythm all our own. With a loud groan, I abandoned myself in
her warm embrace. Only the two of us existed now; the universe was ours alone.
Nothing and no one could intrude. We moved as one, our energies building and
fusing until I shattered into thousands of iridescent fragments.
Gasping, I fell forward into her arms. It was incredible. I felt so
vulnerable and yet, never more happy and complete. I clung to the sensation
as long as I could, releasing it one finger at a time. When it finally slipped
from my grasp, my own tears mingled with Cait’s on her cheeks.
“Cait, I-” I stopped. I didn’t know what to say; even `I love you’
seemed inadequate.
She pulled my face down and kissed me. “Shhh. Don’t talk. Just hold
me. Please.”
I rolled off and pulled her into my arms, pressing my lips to her hair.
Gradually, her breathing became slow and regular. I drew the furs more tightly
about us and watched her sleep.

When I opened my eyes, the first light of dawn peeked through the
thatched roof. The village was quiet, the revelries of last night yielding
to the twittering of waking birds. I undid the cloth on my hand and gazed at
the scabbed, chartreuse knuckles. They would heal well enough on their own.
No more visits to sickbay for me.
Cait lay on her stomach beside me, her face turned away. With an evil
grin, I slipped a hand between her legs, fingering her ever so gently as I
kissed a path along her spine. She groaned softly, and I rose up on my elbow
to bring my lips to her ear.
“I want you, Cait. I want you right now.”
“Mmmmm.” Her legs parted in agreement.
I moved between them and slid slowly into her, savouring each
millimeter of wet flesh surrounding me. Delicious.
Our breath came in ragged gasps as we struggled to stay together, but
my wave broke first, rushing full-force into her. She bucked wildly, almost
throwing me off as her own intense pleasure overtook her. Compared to last
night, it was all over in an instant, but oh gods, I enjoyed it, and I thought
she had, too.
I rose up on my elbows and seized her earlobe with my teeth. “Good
morning.”
“Mmmm,” She stretched. “You always did give the best wake-up calls.”
Snickering, I rolled onto my side, and she snuggled back into me.
Kissing her bare shoulder, I tasted the saline of wedded sweat. “Do you have
any idea how much I love you?”
“Ooooh, lots and lots?”
I nuzzled the nape of her neck. “Nope.”
“No?” She flipped over, the jade eyes wide in mock amazement.
“Nope. Try lots and lots and lots and- Mmph.”
Her lips covered mine, sucking my tongue into her mouth. A second or
two later, she released me. “I think I get the picture.”
A familiar rumbling drifted up from beneath the blanket. I grinned.
“Was that your stomach or mine?”
Her gaze shifted in embarrassment. “Mine, I think. I’m starving.
For food,” she added quickly as I raised a suggestive eyebrow.
“I believe we’re on our own as far as that goes. No one else is-”
I blinked. No, it couldn’t be. Fruit? Bread? And on the floor was a bucket
of water, a cloth, and two of those fleshy leaves Harry loved so much. “Why
that old-”
“Old what?” Cait turned over to follow my gaze.
“The old man. He left them for us.”
“What? When?”
I scrambled out of bed and brought the food over. “He left this
for us. I don’t know when. They could’ve been here last night, I suppose;
I-ah-wasn’t really paying attention.”
Cait giggled and popped a berry in my mouth. “I don’t suppose he left
us something to drink, too?”
“I don’t- Wait a minute. Hold this.” I shoved the bowl of fruit into
her hands. On the table was a pitcher and a mug. I raised the vessel to my
lips and took a tentative swallow. Just what the doctor ordered. Water.
I drank some more, its soothing coolness slithering down my parched throat.
“Ahem.”
I poured out a mug and carried it over to Cait. She drank greedily,
emptying the cup in a few loud gulps.
“I didn’t realized I was so thirsty,” she said somewhat apologetically,
handing me the mug.
“No problem. More where that came from.” I refilled the cup and sat
back down beside her.
As we ate, I didn’t notice how chilly the morning air was until Cait
shivered. Goosebumps dotted her arms, and she tucked her knees under her chin.
I grabbed a few pieces of wood from the small woodpile under the table
and started a fire in the hearth. Then, I pulled one of the skins off the bed,
spreading it out on the floor. “Come over here. You’ll be warmer.”
She sat down in between my legs, and I wrapped my cloak around us. We
cuddled for a while and watched the fire, the odor of burning wood overpowering
her subtle scent. She didn’t shiver now, except when I nibbled a certain
sensitive spot on her neck.
Little by little, the noises of a waking village penetrated the hide
door, reminding us of the real world that lurked outside.
“I guess we should get dressed.” A distinct note of disappointment
intruded into her voice.
“Probably, but I think a bath is in order first.”
“Agreed.”
Throwing off the cape, I grabbed a leaf. Snap. Gently, I began
rubbing the juice into her skin.
“Careful with that stuff. It stings.”
I laughed. “You sound like Harry.”
“Well, it’s true,” she protested.
“I know. Now, stand up so I can do the rest of you.”
When we finally emerged into the morning sun, the tribe’s clean-up
committee was in full swing, clearing away the remnants of last night’s
festivities.
“Did you have a good time?”
We both spun around. Atrebus stood behind us, his dark eyes shining
in knowing mischief. “Hmm, I can tell by your expressions you did. Good.”
Cait grinned. “Do you always answer your own questions?”
“My dear, when you have lived as long as I have you already know many
of the answers.” He smiled. “A long and prosperous life to both of you.
I came to tell you that an early morning messenger has arrived from your
people. He and the others wait in Praega’s house.”
Cait and I looked at each other. “We’d better hurry,” she said.
I nodded. “You go ahead. I’ll be with you in a second.”
“All right.”
As she walked off, I turned back to Atrebus. “I don’t know how to
thank you for all that you’ve done. You’ll probably say it was Caillach’s
doing, but it was also you. I-I owe you a lot.” A lump rose in my throat,
choking off any other deficient words I might have uttered.
“It’s all right, my boy. I understand. Your expressions this morning
were thanks enough.” A venerable hand patted my shoulder. “However, you must
remain vigilant. Do not allow your enemies to recapture your dreams. Now, go.
The others wait.”
I flashed him a bright grin, which he returned, before I trotted off.
In Praega’s house, a bemused Walter Baxter stood with the rest of the
marooned away team. After thanking the leader for his generosity, we gathered
up our uniforms and left the village. Once we were far enough away, Chakotay
gave the command to transport.

THE PARIS JOURNALS, v. VI

Amelioration
Part 6

by Carly Hunter
copyright 1996

Back aboard the grey confines of Voyager, the welcoming party of
B’Elanna and the Captain gaped in amazement at our attire.
Barely suppressing a smirk, Chakotay stepped off the platform and
modeled his cloak. “I know it’s not exactly regulation, Captain, but it was
all we could find to wear. What do you think?”
Contolling her own urge to smile, the Captain met his gaze. “I think
you should go change, Commander, and then report to my ready room. I would
appreciate a detailed account of your sojourn.”
“What do you think?” Harry turned slowly around in front of B’Elanna.
“I think you’ve been gone too long, Starfleet. It’s quite obvious
your taste has suffered.”
“Oh really? Well, maybe my taste in women has changed, too,” he
responded cooly.
“It’d better not have,” she growled. “I didn’t spend my time
tracking down the shuttle for the fun of it.”
Laughing, he slipped an arm around her waist and led her toward the
door. “I’m touched, Maquis. I didn’t know you cared.”
Cait stepped off the platform and paused to glance back. “You coming,
Paris?” She held out her hand.
“What? Oh yeah.” Dazed, I headed for the door, ignoring her
outstretched hand. It was strange. I was home, and yet, it didn’t feel like
home. I walked absently out into the corridor and headed toward the lift,
leaving Cait behind. I didn’t even hear her call my name until she drew
abreast and caught my arm.
“Tom, are you all right? Didn’t you hear me?”
“What? I-uh,” I glanced about in confusion. “Yeah, I’m fine. I just
need to be alone for a bit, okay?”
“I don’t understand. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Really, I’m fine. I just need a little time to myself.
I’ll see you later.” With that, I shook free of her grasp and strode away.
I hurried to my quarters to shower and change. I couldn’t understand
it. Why was I afraid again? If I could show Cait I loved her on the moon,
why should it be any different up here on Voyager? This was our home; these
people were our friends. It didn’t make any sense. Why had I felt more
comfortable with total strangers than this crew?
I sank down on the sofa, letting my head fall into my hands. I wasn’t
only afraid, though; I was angry. Less than an hour ago, it seemed like I had
made so much progress, and now here I was right back where I started.
“Goddammit!” I hurled a nearby PADD across the room. “Why? Why here?
Why now?”
I threw my back against the sofa and stared up at the ceiling.
Hot, angry tears of frustration bubbled to the surface. I hated how weak
I was. And I hated myself for how this would hurt Cait.

Naked, I followed Atrebus out of the dwelling. Except for an
odd dancer or couple here and there, the feast was over and all the
participants now lay with their mates. With care, I picked my way over
the bodies looking for Cait. She couldn’t have; she wouldn’t. Then, I
found her with some man’s body draped on top of her. She cradled his
head between her breasts, partially obscuring his face with her arms.
I crumpled to my knees and closed my eyes. I was too late.
“Tom,” her sleepy voice called out to me. “I’m sorry. I tried
to wait for you, but it got so late, I had no choice. Now, I am his.”
My throat constricted. I could barely choke out the word.
“Whose?”
The body on top of her shifted, raising up on its hands to turn
and look at me.
“Ch-Chakotay? No. No, it can’t be.”
“I warned you, Paris, but you waited too long.” He lowered his
head and gave her a kiss, which she eagerly returned.
My chest caved in. I couldn’t breathe. “No. No.”
I whimpered. “No, Cait. Please, no.”

“Nunh-” My eyes flew open and I bolted up on the sofa. Cait and
Chakotay. It had always been my most jealous fear, but I thought I had buried
it a long, long time ago. Funny, what your subconscious could dredge up.
“Computer, location of Lt. Matthews.”
“Lt. Caitlin Matthews is in her quarters.”
With a new-found sense of urgency, I dashed out of my room, pausing
only to adjust my dissheveled appearance. I didn’t have a choice; I had
to see her. Within two minutes, I stood in front of her door.
“Who’s there?”
“It’s me, Cait. C’mon. Let me in.”
“Paris? Hold on. I’m coming.” The door slid open. “What the devil
do you want?”
“We have to talk.” I brushed past her into the room. “Something very
special happened between us last night, and I need to know where that
leaves us.”
“Where do you want it to leave us?” Her arms folded across her chest.
My eyes narrowed. “That’s a nice evasive answer, Matthews.”
“Comes from hanging around you, love.”
“Dammit, Cait. I’m serious.”
“So am I. Just what the hell do you want from me, Paris? You’ve been
through hell, and I’ve tried to be patient and understanding. I’ve kept
my distance; I’ve talked to Chakotay; I’ve done my best to be there for you.
But I am not going to be some therapy tool for you to use to get your
confidence back. I’ve never played games with my personal life and I’m not
about to start now. Not for you. Not for anyone. Is that clear?”
“Game?” I sputtered. “Therapy tool? Is that what you think last night
was for me? And this morning. What was that? Rehearsal for Bathart’s play?
Goddammit, Matthews! What kind of a twisted ass do you think I am?”
“I don’t know. You tell me. You’re the one who hasn’t touched me
since we came on board.”
“Oh yeah? Well, maybe I should change that.” Before she could react,
I seized her shoulders, pressing her against the wall with my body.
She wrenched her face away, willfully exposing her neck. I let out a
small growl and caught the tender flesh in my teeth. Her body shuddered. With
a low laugh, I released her neck and licked my way up to her ear.
“You’re mine, Matthews,” I whispered possessively. “Go ahead. Try to
escape. I dare you.”
Her face swung around, the emerald eyes glittering wildly; at times,
I’d swear she’s got Klingon blood in her. “Wrong choice of words, Paris,”
she snarled.
“I don’t think so.” I angled my head to kiss her, but she beat me to
the punch, so to speak, breaking free of my grasp with a move that sent me
sprawling to the ground, unhurt. I leapt to my feet and tackled her in mid-
flight, both of us crashing onto the bed.
She twisted helplessly in my arms. “You’re wearing too many clothes.”
“Then, do something about it,” I taunted, ripping open the front of her
uniform.
“All right, I will.” With a burst of strength, she bucked me off and
climbed on top, her fingers eagerly fumbling with the fasteners of my jumpsuit.
I shook my head disparagingly. “You’re out of practice. Too slow.”
Flipping her over, I sat on her chest, pinning her arms underneath my
legs. I wriggled my arms out of the jumpsuit and peeled off the turtleneck.
“Now, where were we? Oh, yes.” I stretched out upon her, trapping her wrists
above her head. “Something about being out of practice.”
“Out of practice?”
“Yeah,” I breathed. “We both are, with each other.”
Her expression softened. “Tom, I-”
“Shhh.” Releasing her arms, I quieted her with a lengthy kiss.
“I meant what I said on the surface, Cait. I do love you, and I honestly don’t
know why I froze up when we came back on board. That’s what I’ve been trying
to figure out. I’ve never wanted to hurt you, even though sometimes I think
that’s all I do.” I kissed her once more for emphasis. “You’re the best thing
that’s ever happened to me.”
Fingers raked slowly through my hair. Her eyes held a different glow
now, something softer, more tender. “Tom, I was so confused. I didn’t know
what to do. I thought about stopping by, but then it occured to me that I
might be the last person you wanted to see.” She paused, a rueful grin
spreading across her face. “You know, sometimes we really do have lousy
communication.”
“Yeah. I know we do. And tumbling into bed isn’t going to solve our
problems either. Okay, it might help,” I snickered. “But it won’t solve them.
So let’s take thing nice and slow this time; let’s talk more and work things
out. You’ve stepped out of my life twice now, Cait. A third time might mean
for good and I don’t want that.”
I nibbled the underside of her jaw. “I love you, and I promise when
we walk into the mess this evening, no one will doubt my affection for you.
That is, if you let me.”
“Let you?” She giggled. “Just try taking your unseemly hands off me,
Paris; I want them where I can feel them.”
“Lieutenant!” I thundered, trying my best to keep a straight face.
“Don’t you ever call me `pig’ after that remark.”
Cait’s giggles turned into out-right laughter. “Somehow, I thought
you’d appreciate it.”
“Appreciate it?” I slipped a hand beneath her shirt. “I intend to
adhere to it, to the very letter.”

Hours later, my eyes slowly opened to the ceiling. The chronometer
read 1645 hours. I blinked sleepily. I was tired, but in a good way, if you
know what I mean. Turning my head to the right, I gazed at Cait. She lay on
her stomach, a curtain of auburn hair partially covering her face. With my
hand, I drew it back.
“Cait,” I called softly. “It’s 1647. What do you want to do about
dinner?”
“Hmmmm?” Half-asleep, she moved over and snuggled into the crook of my
shoulder.
“Dinner. You know, sustenance.”
“I don’t suppose Neelix does room service?”
“‘Fraid not, kiddo. Besides I thought you wanted everyone to see how
in love we are.”
She hugged me closer. “Who cares what they see or think? I just want
to be with you.” He face tilted upward, a drowsy smile parting her lips.
“You’ll get no arguments from me on that point.” I raised my head to
kiss her. “But if you don’t mind, I could really use some dinner. I’m
starving. All I’ve had today is a few pieces of fruit and some bread.”
“My goodness!” She pulled away in mock horror. “Well, we certainly
must get you some food. We can’t have you passing out, especially not later on
tonight.” An evil grin dallied on her lovely features.
I rose up on one elbow. “Oh? And just what’s so special about
tonight?”
A hungry tongue slid over her lips. “You’ll find out.”
By 1730 hours, we strolled down the corridor toward the lift.
I was happy, real happy. A smile wider than the sol system was on my face,
and there was no way in hell it was coming off. As the lift doors closed,
I pulled Cait into my arms.
It had been a long time since we made out in a turbolift. Timing the
stops just right was key, and it became evident how out of practice we both
were when Chakotay cleared his throat.
“Sorry, Commander. I, er, we didn’t know the lift had stopped.”
“Yes, I could tell that, Mr. Paris.”
My face flushed. Trying to regain some dignity, I drew myself up and
ushered Cait quickly out of the lift. As I passed by, he grabbed my arm and
brought his stern face within centimeters of mine.
“Congratulations, Lieutenant, but next time let’s keep the celebration
confined to your quarters, hmm?” Chuckling softly to himself, he released my
arm and entered the lift. “Deck 10.”
I stared after him. Congratulations? On getting laid? From Chakotay,
no less. A wide grin spread across my face; it was just too funny.
My stomach gave a prodding rumble. Cait waited patiently a few meters
away at the entrance to the mess. Without hesitation, I joined her, and we
dined alone at one of the corner tables.

Two weeks have passed since then. Right now, it’s 2246 hours. Cait’s
asleep in my bed, and I’m trying to finish this blasted weekly report. I’m not
having much success though; my gaze keeps bouncing between her and our picture,
the one taken at Harry’s birthday party. Some time ago, I buried it in a
drawer because it was too painful to look at, but no longer. I have it on the
coffee table where I can see it every day, just like her.
Gods, she is beautiful. I guess my luck really has changed for the
better after all. My friends, conn, and now, Cait. Yep, I’m not quite
the loser I once was, and this time, I’m determined to keep her.
How did that song go?

… And they’re thinking of the long road ahead
and the strength they will need
just to reach the end.
And there in the silence they search for
the balance between this fear that they feel
and a love that has graced their lives.

I love you, Cait. I’m not afraid to say it anymore.

From newsfeed.pitt.edu!scramble.lm.com!news.math.psu.edu!psuvax1!news.cc.swarthmore.edu!netnews.upenn.edu!msunews!uwm.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!newsxfer.itd.umich.edu!news.eecs.umich.edu!nntp.neu.edu!news3.near.net!transfer.stratus.com!news.bu.edu!acs.bu.edu!crime Thu Mar 21 13:12:40 1996
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From: crime@bu.edu (mary self)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: VOY: Casualties
Date: 16 Mar 1996 18:37:39 GMT
Organization: Boston University
Message-ID: <4if1pj$ggb@news.bu.edu>
NNTP-Posting-Host: acs.bu.edu
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]

DISCLAIMERS: Original characters belong to Paramount. The story and the
character of Caitlin Matthews are mine.

WARNING: Some adult situations.

The Paris Journals, vol. V

Casualties
Part 1

By Carly Hunter
copyright 1996

Teeth nibbled at my ear. Groaning, I rolled onto my back.
“Stop it.”
“But Tommy, you always liked it when I did that.”
My eyes flew open as I bolted up, turning to face the woman in
my bed. “Ricki?” I shook my head. No, it couldn’t be.
“Who else, silly?” Her fingers crept seductively up my arm.
I stared at the raven-haired beauty. “No, this isn’t possible.
You can’t be Ricki.”
“Oh? And just who am I then? Aww, did Tommy have one of his
dreams?” She pulled my lips down to hers. Yep, it was definitely
Ricki; I’d know that kiss anywhere. “Do you want to talk about it or
are you going to let it spoil our first day off in weeks?”
Reluctantly pulling my mouth away, I glanced around the room.
It was my old cabin on the Exeter, only there were a few items there
that weren’t mine, like Ricki’s keyboard and her Tong statue. I looked
back down at her. Same ice-blue eyes, same wide mouth, same flawless
white shoulders. There was a slight bulge beneath the blanket.
*Pregnant!* Confused, my eyes met hers.
She laughed. “Only five months and I feel like a balloon. I
can’t believe I have four more months to go.”
I shook my head. “No, this can’t be happening.”
“Fine time to get cold feet on me, husband dear. As I recall,
you did agree to us having a baby now.”
I threw my legs over the side of the bed. “No, no, that’s not
what I meant. I-I-” A uniform slung over a chair caught my eye.
I always threw my clothes over that chair; it was right on the way to
the bathroom. Two solids and a hollow! I was a lt. commander?
Ricki’s arms draped over my shoulders, and I felt her expanded
belly press against my back. I guess even pregnant she continued
to sleep in the nude. She grabbed my earlobe playfully in her teeth.
“Tommy, what’s wrong?”
“I’m not sure. Look, Ricki,” I turned to face her. Damn! I
had forgotten how good she looked naked in spite of a baby being on
the way. Blinking rapidly, I tried to refocus my thoughts. “I don’t
know if I can explain this. Something isn’t quite right.”
“Thomas Paris, this is no time to tell me you want a divorce.
We’ve only been married a little over a year, and now with a baby-” Her
chin trembled.
“Oh boy, I’m not explaining this right. It’s not that I want
a divorce. I just woke up feeling a little disconnected, that’s all.
It’ll most likely pass as the day progresses.” I brushed her cheek
gently with my fingers. “Okay?”
She nodded. “So what do we do on our first day off? How about
breakfast in bed?” Pulling on a robe, she moved over to the
replicator.
“Eggs, sunny-side up; bacon; toast; grape jelly; and
orange juice.” Ricki set the two plates and glasses on a tray,
intending to carry it to the bed.
I crossed the room and took the tray from her hands. “Go get
in bed. I’ll bring it over.”
She gazed up at me in surprise before obeying. Setting the
tray in her vanishing lap, I sat down in front of her on the bed.
“So are we on schedule?”
“What? Oh, the baby. The Doctor said yesterday everything was
fine. It’s a girl and she appears to be very healthy. I know you
wanted a boy, Tommy, but the genes didn’t comply. Sorry.”
“Girl, boy, it doesn’t matter as long as it’s healthy and
happy.”
“That isn’t what you said two days ago.”
I cocked my head to one side. “Hey, can’t a fellow change
his mind?”
“His mind, yes, but his whole attitude?” The pale eyes swept
over me. “You’re a regular Ebeneezer Scrooge this morning. Did the
three ghosts of Christmas show up in your dream?”
“Huh?”
“All this caring and attentiveness. Are you seeing Carraway
again?”
I looked at her in surprise. “What are you talking about?”
“You are, aren’t you? Tommy, you promised. You swore that it
was over. I can’t believe you’d do that when I’m carrying your baby!”
She burst into tears, throwing the tray and its entire contents onto
the floor.
“Ricki-”
“Don’t Ricki, me. I’m not stupid. I knew you cheated on me,
but you swore you wouldn’t once we were married, and for the past year,
I though you had kept your word.”
“Ricki, please, listen to me.” I grabbed her shaking
shoulders. “Ricki, dammit, listen! I have not cheated on you. You’re
carrying my child. I wouldn’t do that to you.”
She gazed at me skeptically before throwing her arms around my
neck. “Oh, Tommy, I’m so sorry. It’s these rotten hormones; they make
me feel so ugly and unloved.” She giggled. “But you have to admit you
aren’t usually this attentive.”
“I’m not? Well, then, maybe it’s time I changed. C’mon, you
go take a shower and get dressed.” I watched her stoop to pick-up
the food and dishes. “Leave that. I’ll get it.”
She glanced up and smiled. “I think I like this new
Tommy Paris.”
“Good. One thing, though, could you stop calling me Tommy? My
name is Tom.”
“Sure, whatever.” Stepping over the pile of eggs, she
disappeared into the bathroom.
I dashed over to the terminal on the desk. “Computer, display
service record of Paris, Thomas Eugene.”
I blinked in disbelief. It wasn’t there. No mention of Caldik
Prime, the trial, Auckland, nothing. “Computer, search Star Fleet
records for any mention of the trading vessel, Taliesyn.”
“The vessel, Taliesyn, was reported missing on the Cardassian-
Federation border.”
“What about a Caitlin Matthews?”
“Currently serving a ten year sentence in the Federation
Rehabilitation Facility at Auckland, New Zealand.”
I heard the water shut off and quickly ran over to pick-up the
dishes and food. I had just managed to dump it all down the reclamator
when Ricki opened the door. She wandered over, pressing her body
against mine.
“Mmm, I feel so much better.” Her tongue parted my lips,
hungrily exploring my mouth. “And now I’m going to show you how much.”
She knelt before me and undid the waistband to my pajamas.
“Oh my gods, Tom! What are these? Where did you get them?”
Her face twisted in horror and revulsion.
I looked down at myself. There they were. The scars from my
imprisonment on Langar.
“Tom, answer me. You didn’t used to have them. You used to
be beautiful.”
Hastily, I covered myself up. “Nothing. Just forget about
them.”
“Forget about them? How? I can’t do that.” She ran a pitying
hand up my leg. “Who would do that to such a wonderful body?”
I grimaced. My mind was a whirl. The scars. The Delta
quadrant. Ricki. Her expression of revulsion. I clutched my head and
sank to my knees.

“No!” I sat up in bed. *Voyager? Yep, still Voyager.*
The chronometer read 0655 hours. *Might as well get up; a few more
minutes won’t make that much difference.* I chuckled mirthlessly to myself.
*Boy, the Commander will have a field day with that dream, Thomas.*
A few minutes later, I stood in front of the bathroom mirror giving
myself the once-over before heading to the mess for breakfast. On the whole,
I looked good. Except for the scars, which most people would never see, you’d
never know what a jumbled mess I still was on the inside. Although, I guess,
gradually, I was learning to live with that. My meetings with Chakotay had
been cut back to twice-a-week chats. The nightmares visited me much less
frequently, even though the cicatrices still figured prominently in my dreams,
and only occasionally when I was really disconcerted did I experience that
fearful spurt of adrenaline when a door chimed. In other words, the real hard
core therapy was over; now, it was just a matter of getting on with my life.
I had been back at conn for a while, piloting the ship successfully
through one Kazon attack and a minor spatial anomaly. I had even gone on two
away missions, nothing special, just planetary surveys, but a big step from
the safe womb of Voyager.
Possibly the only place my life hadn’t returned to normal was in
interpersonal relations. Oh sure, I hung out with my friends; I went to
Sandrine’s; I even began teaching my godson how to pilot a shuttle. However,
there was a greater distance between the `true me’ and other people than there
had been in the past. I was always careful who I let in. Hell, if you
don’t let them in, they can’t hurt you, right? Yet, as Kes noted, the walls
I had put up as a young man had slowly been coming down, until the Langarian
incident, that is. Most of the crewmembers didn’t really see a difference, but
my closer friends sensed it, and it was with Cait that it showed the most.
See, we had almost gotten back together when I was kidnapped, and now,
we bordered on being strangers. It wasn’t that I didn’t love her; I did.
I just got really nervous whenever I was around her privately; a sick to your
stomach nervousness that just wouldn’t go away. I tried to overcome it, ignore
it, push it aside, but nothing worked. The last time we were alone together it
got so bad I had to run out of the room.
All we were doing was sitting in her quarters talking about what had
happened during our shifts. She was sitting in the recliner; I was across the
room on the sofa. All of a sudden, we were bantering back and forth like we
used to do. You know, a little harmless flirting, nothing else, but it really
set me on edge. My heart started to race and the walls seemed to close in
around me. Warm, dense air engulfed me. I couldn’t breathe. My stomach gave
a warning lurch and I bolted.
The next day I apologized, but you could tell it had hurt her, and I
hated myself for it. I was so ashamed that I never even told Chakotay about
what had happened. I didn’t want anyone to know. If I had struck her,
I couldn’t have been more humiliated by my actions. Therefore, after that
incident, I decided we should stay casual friends and nothing more.
Deep down, though, we both wanted to be back together; that fact would
never change. But I wasn’t ready, and some days, I wasn’t sure I’d ever be
ready. It was bad enough that I had to make my own journey through a private
hell. I wasn’t about to drag her through it with me.
As time passed, we attempted to reconcile ourselves to the situation,
but tensions mounted daily, and they soon began to take a heavy toll on what
was left of our friendship. This day promised to be especially difficult.
It was our unofficial anniversary; the day we put aside our animosity toward
one another during an away mission. It had occurred on an unsettled class-M
planet, and we had created a holodeck program of the landscape from the
tricorder and sensor readings. If you had asked me two or three months ago,
I’d have sworn that that was where she and I would be this evening. Ah, well.
Adjusting my collar, I snapped out of my trance and shot my reflection
one last fraudulent smile of confidence before heading out the door. There
were days when getting out of bed seemed like the toughest thing I had ever
done in my life, and this was definitely one of those days.
Breakfast proved more tense than usual. No real surprise. Cait barely
uttered a word through the entire meal. Clearly, she also remembered what
today was and had therefore retreated into her silent shell. In the past,
I would have taken her aside and tried to draw her out, but there wasn’t time
this morning since she, Harry and Neelix were scheduled to beam down to a
planet for some surveying. Besides, considering the current state of our
friendship, I wasn’t too sure it would be a good idea anyway.

I joined Chakotay at lunch for our usual chat, and gave him a detailed
summary of this morning’s dream. “So, Commander Freud, what do you make
of it?”
Thoughfully, he pierced some vegetables with his fork. “Well, off the
top of my head, I’d say if Caitlin represents reality, clearly you see her as
inaccessible. Evidently, only Ricki, being either memories or a dream,
seems approachable. Yet, I’m encouraged by how much of the dream appears
to focus on the differences between who you were and who you are now, even
though some things are obviously the way you would have liked them to be,
such as your increased rank and unblemished service record.” He paused for a
moment, grinning slightly. “Who was Carraway?”
“An ensign on the Exeter.” Ashamed, I let my eyes drop to my plate.
“Ricki was on Earth, and Denise and I spent quite a few nights together.
Finally, Ricki found out about it, but somehow, we managed to patch things up,
and I proposed to her as proof of my newfound fidelity. Although, even if the
accident hadn’t occurred, I probably would have cheated on her again. I didn’t
love her, Chakotay, and I don’t think she loved me, either. Looking back, we
were both pretty selfish in our needs at the time.”
I fell silent. I hadn’t thought about Ricki in a long time.
For years, I had kept her memory alive in one holo program or another, and it
wasn’t until Cait and I started seeing each other that I had finally told
Ricki good-bye. *Guess you’ve just exchanged one heart-ache for another,
eh Thomas?*
Chakotay waited patiently for my trip down memory lane to end. “Is
that how you see yourself now?”
I took a deep breath. “No. I think I’ve changed in some respects
for the better.”
“And I would agree.” He allowed himself a small chuckle. “You don’t
get on my nerves half as much as you used to.”
I snickered. “I think I can say the same about you, Commander.”
“I’m not surprised. You should keep those improvements in mind, Tom.
They represent positive steps you’ve taken in your life, a portrait of
recovery for you to continue striving toward. However, one thing about the
dream does worry me, and that’s Ricki’s reaction to your scars. Do you
think her reaction represents your feelings toward them? Are you still
preoccupied by their presence?”
“I don’t know. I suppose I am. I see them every day. They’re a
constant visible reminder of what I went through and what I’ve lost. They
aren’t exactly some memory I can bury and forget about.”
Chakotay took a bite of food, pondering my reply. “That’s true.
You can’t, and you shouldn’t. Burying memories doesn’t solve anything. You
have to face them and learn to live with them. The scars are no different.
And until you learn to accept them as a part of you, you’re going to attempt
to hide them and yourself away from others.”
“Don’t you have some Native American ritual that will let me achieve
this state of bliss more quickly? A sweat lodge ceremony or something
like that?”
He shook his head. “There are a few that might help, but ultimately,
it’s still up to you. There is no quick fix, Paris.”
I poked dejectedly at my salad with my fork. “That figures.”
“You’ve reached a difficult point in your therapy, Lieutenant. The
dramatic revelations have stopped. Now, the tedious work of getting on with
your life has begun. It’s important that you don’t get discouraged or
impatient. Just take one day at a time.”
“I think that’s about all I can do, Chakotay. Listen, I’ll see you on
the bridge.” I sighed heavily, sluggishly rising to my feet. I wasn’t all
that hungry anymore.

The planetary survey took nearly all day, yielding some valuable
resources. Cait’s always been good at surveying. She used to do some pretty
risky reconn work for the Maquis; so she can size up a terrain and its
possibilities fairly quickly. Some of that she picked up from Chakotay, but a
lot also came from tough, first-hand experience.
The team made it back on board just in time for Neelix to prepare
dinner. It was an unusual meal to say the least. A hastily-prepared melange
of some of his worst dishes, containing generous amounts of, you guessed it,
leola root. Ugh. Need I say more.
Cait didn’t show up until Harry, B’Elanna and I had finished eating,
passing by us as we left the mess. Determined to try and cheer her up a little
bit, I playfully grabbed her arm. “Okay, Matthews, who tipped you off?”
Surprised, she immediately jerked away. “I beg your pardon?”
“Dinner. Who tipped you off to avoid it? It was awful.”
“Oh, uh, no one. I’m just not that hungry. Figured I’d pick up enough
to make a small sandwich instead.”
“I see.” *Damn, Cait. I’ll get a smile out of you yet.* “So, you
don’t have some kitchen connection who warns you off the dangerous meals?”
A reluctanct chuckle issued from the long face. “No, I take my chances
like the rest of the crew.”
*I think you’re going to have to settle for that chuckle, Thomas; looks
as if that’s the best you’re gonna get.* “Well, if you say so,” I winked. “Oh
by the way, Sandrine is opening her doors in a few minutes. You coming?”
“Maybe.” The shoulders rolled in a non-commital shrug. “I haven’t
really made up my mind yet.”
“Well, we’ll be there, in case you decide to stop by.”
“Yeah, okay.” She moved off despondently toward the kitchen.
I nudged Torres as the three of us continued our journey to the lift.
“B’Elanna, if she doesn’t show up at the bar in fifteen minutes or so, do me
a favor and go get her.”
“Why? What’s up?”
“Nothing. Cait’s upset about something, and I don’t want her brooding
alone. Okay?” The ol’ baby blues pleaded with the engineer. “Please,
B’Elanna, for Cait’s sake.”
“All right, Paris, but level with me. Did you two have a fight? I
know tensions have been mounting between the both of you for weeks now.”
I shook my head in emphatic denial. “No, we didn’t have a fight,
but it’s because of that tension that I want you to go after her, rather
than me. Understand?”
“No, not really, but I’ll do it anyway.”
True to her word, twenty minutes into our evening at Chez Sandrine’s,
Torres went to Cait’s room, only to return five minutes later alone.
“Did you talk to her?” I asked as she retook her seat by the pool
table.
“In a way. She wouldn’t open her door.”
“Why?” Harry leaned on his cue, frowning. “You know, all during the
survey her mind was elsewhere. Twice, I had to catch her when she stumbled
over large rocks. After the second time, I started keeping an eye on her to
make sure she didn’t walk off a cliff or something.”
“I think I know what’s wrong,” I muttered softly, staring into my wine
glass. “See, today is kind of an anniversary for us even though we’re no
longer together. It was the day we crashed on that planet and, um, put our
differences aside.” I balanced my cue against the table. “Maybe I should go
talk to her, instead of putting it off.”
B’Elanna grabbed my arm as I passed by. “I wouldn’t, Paris. She
doesn’t strike me as being in the mood to see anyone.”
“I realize that, but I’m going to try anyway.” I shot her a nervous
grin. “If I’m not back in twenty minutes, alert sick bay.”
Within two minutes, I pressed the chime to Cait’s quarters. “Whoizit?”
came the slightly slurred response.
“It’s me, Cait. Open up.”
“Whadda ya want?” The door remained locked.
I sighed heavily. This wasn’t going to be easy, but then, nothing ever
was between us, except sex. Sometimes. “I was wondering why you weren’t at
Sandrine’s. Do you feel okay?”
“Didn’t you talk to B’Elanna?”
“Yes, but she only said you wouldn’t open your door. C’mon, Matthews.
Let me in. Something’s bothering you; talk to me.”
“We don’t have anything to discuss, Lieutenant. Now, go away.”
I leaned against the doorjamb. “C’mon, Cait. Don’t do this to
yourself. Open the door, please.”
“Goddammit, Paris!” The doors slid apart suddenly, and I almost fell
into a pair of angry arms. “Will you please leave me alone? I don’t feel like
company.”
The auburn hair was dissheveled, her green eyes red and puffy, like she
had been crying. Behind her on the coffee table was an almost half-empty
bottle and a half-filled glass.
Concerned, I pushed my way past her. “Have you been drinking?” My
hand reached for the bottle.
“No, I’ve been watering the plants. They’ve developed a taste for
Andorian whiskey.” She snatched the bottle from my hand. “Of course, I’ve
been drinking. What’s it to you?”
*Patience, Thomas. It’s the liquor talking.* “Cait,” I began gently.
“Are you upset by what today symbolizes? Is that why you’re drinking?”
“No. What’s so special about today? Rather meaningless in the great
scope of life, I believe.” She flopped down on the sofa and picked up the
glass. “Completely devoid of meaning. Full of empty significance.”
“Full of painful memories, you mean.” I sat down beside her, prying
the glass from her hand. “Cait, don’t you think it hurts me, too? That’s why
I’m with Harry and B’Elanna tonight. If I wasn’t, I’d probably be in the same
condition you are. So, talk to me.”
She sat back in silence for a few minutes. “Tom, I told you a while
ago I understood why you wanted us to be only friends, but now I’m not sure
I do. Why do you let the scars stand between us? What do I have to do to
convince you that you’re not hideous? You’re still a very attractive man.”
Cait sat up and gazed deeply into my eyes. One hand snaked through my hair as
her lips brushed my cheek. “Tom, please stay with me tonight.”
Oh gods, a part of me wanted nothing more than to yield to her request,
but the walls were closing in, fast. I grasped her wrist and pulled her hand
down. “Cait, you’re drunk. Please don’t say anything more we might both
regret. We’ll talk about this in the morning. Right now, you’re in no shape
to discuss it.”
Sniggering, she fell back against the couch. “Talk? Discuss? Ooooh,
how rational we have become, Lieutenant. I can remember when logical thought
flew out the nearest window at the mere chance of us being alone together.”
I stared down at the floor; I couldn’t take this. “Cait, please.”
“Aw, c’mon, Paris. Don’t you remember? You practically used to rip my
uniform off me, and you liked it when I did the same to you.” Her rising tone
abated. “But all that doesn’t matter now, does it? Nothing matters.” Sitting
forward, she picked up the glass once more.
“That does it. You’ve had enough.” I snarled, anger overriding my
panic. I took the glass from her hand and picked up the bottle. Crossing the
room, I dumped both objects down the reclamator before activating the
replicator. “Dardan root infusion, hot. Account Paris, Thomas Eugene.”
When the steaming mug appeared, I carried it over to Cait. “Drink.”
She wrinkled her nose. “I’m not so drunk as to be that foolish, Paris.
I know what that stuff does.”
“Cait, dammit! Drink it!”
“Nope.” Her arms folded petulantly across her chest. “Make me.”
I slammed down the cup, splashing some of its emetic contents onto the
coffee table. “Goddammit, Matthews! I’m trying to help you. Do you think you
are the only one deeply depressed by today. It cuts me to the core to remember
what we’ve lost. Every day, I curse the Langarians and the scars they left me
with. I didn’t choose to let you go, Cait; it was a decision forced upon me.”
Pacing back and forth, I tried to reign in my mounting temper. “Look,
I want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy. You deserve as worry-free a
life as you can get, considering where we are, and you won’t find that with me.
I’m scarred, Cait, physically and emotionally, but that’s my own burden to
bear. I won’t make you bear it, too.”
I stormed off toward the door. “By the way, it makes no difference to
me if you drink that infusion or not. But in light of your present condition,
it might not be a bad idea if you did. I can tell you that from experience.”
As her doors shut behind me, I leaned against the corridor wall. *Ohhh
gods.* I shouldn’t have been angry with her, but I was. I fully realized that
a large part had been the bottle talking, not Cait, but the base emotions were
hers. I just wish I could make her understand how frustrated I was; how much I
did want to be with her.
“Lieutenant?” A hand rested on my shoulder. “Are you all right?”
I glanced up; Crewman Hogan stood beside me. “Yeah, I’m okay,” I lied.
“It’s just been one of those days, and to top it off with an argument . . .”
He looked at Cait’s door. “I think I get the picture. I’m on my way
to Sandrine’s. Can I buy you a drink?”
I flashed him a tiny grin. “You sure can.”

By the time I left the bar, I was still a little steamed, but I wasn’t
quite sure with whom anymore. I could empathize with Cait’s position. What
had happened to me was beyond her control. There was no enemy she could fight;
no deal she could negotiate. Everything was happening inside my mind, which
had chosen for its own reasons to keep her at bay.
Chakotay had been right. I felt sometimes now like I was banging my
head against the bulkhead, and if I was discouraged, I could only imagine what
Cait felt. Confused? Angry? Anxious?
Groaning, I kicked off my boots and stretched out on my bed. “Aw,
dammit, Cait. If there was some way, . . . believe me . . . I would.”
I rolled onto my side, hugging the pillow next to me. “Honest, I would.”

THE PARIS JOURNALS, vol. V

Casualties
Part 2

By Carly Hunter
copyright 1996

“Tom. Hey, Paris.” Harry shook my shoulder. “C’mon. Wake
up. If you leave Cait at the altar, there won’t be a star system far
enough away to escape her wrath.”
“Huh? What?” I sat up dazed. Marriage? To Cait?
He pulled back the covers. “You know, your wedding. C’mon.
Neither Cait, nor B’Elanna will forgive me if I don’t have you there
on time. Your uniform is all ready and waiting. C’mon, Paris. Shake
a leg.”
“Sure. Sure. I’m coming.” I sat on the edge of the bed,
trying to get my bearings.
He grinned. “Still feeling the effects from last night? That
was some bachelor party, huh?”
“Yeah, no kidding.” Too bad I hadn’t been there. I stood up
slowly and stumbled towards the bathroom. “Give me about ten minutes,
Harry. I’ll be ready.”
My friend laughed. “Wrong. You’ve got five.”
“Damn!” I dashed into the bath. Five minutes! And you don’t
get married every day, especially not to Cait.
I glanced down as I hurriedly scrubbed my body. They were
gone! The scars were gone. Well, that explained it.
“Hey, Paris. Two minutes.”
“Yeah, yeah.” I rinsed off and stepped out.
In the blink of an eye, I checked my reflection in the mirror
behind the bar. A little pale, but it was probably just nerves. So,
we were tying the knot at Sandrine’s; it was appropriate. I looked
over at the proprietress and smiled broadly.
She walked over. Smoothing the uniform across my shoulders,
she glanced up with tears in her eyes. “I cannot believe it. My
Thomas is getting married. Cait is a very lucky lady. She will make
you a good wife, no?”
I kissed her softly on the forehead. “Yeah, she will,
Sandrine, and I’m a pretty lucky guy.”
The hologram smiled sadly. “Will you still visit your old
friend from time to time?’
“Of course,” I grinned, chuckling slightly. “Yours is still
the only pool hall on the ship. Cait and I are only getting married;
we aren’t retiring our cues.”
She laughed through her tears, turning as the doors opened.
“Here comes your bride, Thomas. Now, you treat her well.” She stood
on tiptoe, planting a quick kiss on my cheek before returning to her
customary place behind the bar.
My eyes ran appreciatively over Cait. Her auburn hair cascaded
over her shoulders, and her cheeks were flushed with excitement.
Oh gods, she looked lovely, and my pulse began to race.
“Mr. Paris,” the Captain called. “I believe your presence is
required over here.” She looked almost as exuberant as Cait.
“Yes, Ma’am.” I quickly stepped across the room and took my
place beside my fiancee and soon-to-be wife.
Cait’s green eyes glowed. I hadn’t seen her this happy in a
long time. A whole swarm of butterflies attacked my stomach. Was this
the right thing to do? Could I be a good husband? I looked down at
the beautiful person beside me. Yeah, I could.
“Only recently have I had the privilege of joining couples in
the vows of marriage,” the Captain began. “But it is one of the duties
of my office that I have looked forward to performing. . .”
I barely heard a word; all I could think of was that somehow
I was marrying Cait. It had to be a dream. I just couldn’t be this
lucky.
“Do you, Thomas Eugene Paris, take Caitlin Rowan Matthews to be
your lawful wife?”
*That’s your cue, Thomas.* I glanced at Cait. “I do.”
“And do you, Caitlin Rowan Matthews, take Thomas Eugene Paris
to be your lawful husband?”
*Come on, Cait. Come on.*
“I do.”
*Whew!*
Janeway smiled. “Then, as Captain of the USS Voyager, it gives
me profound pleasure to pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss
the bride now, Mr. Paris.”
I shot the Captain a quick grin of thanks before taking Cait
in my arms. Dream or not, this was proving to be a very happy
occasion. As our kiss ended, everyone crowded around us, hugging us
and shaking our hands.
Chakotay clapped me firmly on the shoulder. “I know we’ve had
our differences in the past, Paris, but I think you’re going to make
Cait a fine husband.”
*Cait? Why was everyone calling her that? Only I used that
nickname.* “Uh, I’m going to try my best, Commander.”
“Tom!” B’Elanna threw her arms around my neck, planting a big
kiss on my cheek. “I’m so happy for both of you; I don’t know what
to do.”
“Well, you could start by not choking the bridegroom,” I
gasped.
“Whoops. Sorry.”
“S’okay,” I replied, adjusting my collar out of reflex. “I’m
a little excited, too.”
“Champagne, anyone?” Sandrine moved among us with a tray full
of sparkling glasses.
“Ahem,” Harry cleared his throat as he snagged a glass. “I
believe as best man it’s my duty to give the first toast, so I’ll keep
it short and to the point. To Tom and Cait, may both their lives and
their marriage be long and successful.” He raised his glass and
winked. “Congratulations, old man. I knew you’d get her one day.”
Beaming, I slipped my arm around Cait’s waist in preparation
for giving her a kiss.

BEEEEP!!
*Damn alarm. After all that happened yesterday, you couldn’t let me
have one last kiss, could you? Well, back to reality, Thomas.*
Cait joined us late for breakfast. She was looking rather pale and
acted as though the slightest noise bothered her.
“You don’t look so well,” B’Elanna remarked as Cait placed her tray
gingerly down on the table. On it was juice and toast, nothing else.
“I’m a little tired. Didn’t sleep too good last night.” Hesitantly,
she took a bite of toast.
“Are you sure that’s all?”
“Yeah.”
“Maybe you should eat something else,” I suggested. “You know,
bolster the ol’ energy level.”
“I said I’m fine,” she snapped.
Hmmm. So this was what she was like hungover. I had always wondered.
“Okay, okay,” I backpedaled. “Just trying to help.”
Cait glanced up at me. No, it was more than a simple hangover. You
could see it in her eyes, tired and more than a little glassy.
“Cait,” I began again. “Maybe you should stop by sickbay and-”
“Dammit, Paris!” She tossed down the toast. “I said I’m all right.
Now, drop it.” Quickly rising, she stormed out of the mess.
“Way to go, Thomas,” I muttered under my breath.
A few minutes later, Harry and I headed for the bridge to assume our
duties. Everything went relatively smoothly. No subspace anomalies. No
distress calls. Not even a sensor alert.
At 1230 hours, Grimes, my relief, took over allowing me to join Harry
for lunch. Glancing at my friend as we waited for the lift, he appeared to be
a little paler than he had been at breakfast.
“Hey, Harry, you feeling okay?”
“A little tired. Why?” His brown eyes were glassy, just like Cait’s.
“Well, to be honest, you don’t look so good. Kinda washed out.”
“I’ll be okay once I get some food in me.”
The lift doors opened and we stepped inside.
“Look, let’s take a quick trip by sickbay before lunch. If something’s
wrong, it’s better to nip it in the bud now, than wait. Sickbay,” I requested.
“Okay, mother hen.” He flashed me a weary smile. “Unlike Caitlin, I’m
not really in the mood to argue.”
Within seconds, we reached sickbay. Kes was bending over someone on a
biobed, but the position of her body prevented me from seeing who it was.
The Doctor came out of his office. “Gentlemen, I’m very busy. What
is it you need?”
“Um, I don’t feel so good, Doc.” Harry mumbled. “Kinda wiped out.”
Kes turned to look at us, and I caught a glimpse of auburn hair.
*Cait!* Leaving Harry to the Doctor, I quickly crossed the room.
“What happened?”
My Ocampan friend gazed down at the wan face. “She collapsed on duty
with a temperature of 38.8C degrees. We’ve managed to bring it down a little,
and right now, she’s sleeping. What’s with Harry?”
“I forced him to come. He was starting to look like Cait did at
breakfast; although if I had had any idea she was this bad, I would’ve carried
her in here this morning kicking and screaming.”
Kes smiled gently at the image. “You can’t force some people to seek
treatment, Tom; you should know that.”
“Yeah, I know.” I grasped Cait’s right hand and brushed some damp
strands of hair off her forehead. She was burning up. “How much did you bring
her fever down?”
“At least a full degree. Why?”
“Because I think it’s gone back up.”
“What?” Kes hastily scanned her. “38.6. Doctor, her fever is
climbing.”
“Lay down, Mr. Kim,” the hologram ordered before spinning around.
“Let’s see. This is impossible. Prepare an IV. I don’t want her to get
dehydrated. It would appear her body is fighting a battle against some
infection; one that is also present in Ensign Kim.”
“What?” Harry rose up on his elbows.
“Lie down,” the Doctor snapped.
Out of reflex, I took a step backward, but managed to stop myself from
releasing Cait’s hand. If it was contagious, I had already been exposed.
The hologram frowned at me. “Don’t worry. It does not appear to be
contagious. The two of them must have been exposed at roughly the same time
and place. Now,” He turned to Harry. “Where have the two of you been lately
that might have been the source of this infection?”
“Nowhere, except on the away mission, but nothing happened there. We
felt fine the entire time we were on the surface. Besides, Neelix was
with us. Shouldn’t he be showing the same symptoms?”
“Hmm,” the hologram responded. “Sickbay to Mr. Neelix.”
“Yes, Doctor.”
“Could you please report to sickbay right away.”
“But it’s lunchtime. I’m very busy at the moment.”
“Now, Mr. Neelix.”
There was a silent pause followed by a sigh of resignation. “Very
well. I’m on my way.”
I touched Cait’s cheek. The green eyes blinked slowly open as if
lifting the lids took a great deal of effort.
“Tom?”
Grinning, I squeezed her hand. “See, I told you to stop by. Now, look
at all the trouble you’ve caused. When are you going to learn to listen
to me?” I chided softly.
An exhausted smile floated over her lips. “About the same time you
start listening to me.”
“I do listen to you. Haven’t I continued to see the Commander
faithfully for therapy?”
Her chest rose slowly. “Yeah, I guess you have. Tom, I’m so sorry.
I said some awful things last night.”
“Shh,” I soothed. “We’ll have a long talk when you get better, okay?”
“Okay.” The eyes blinked twice.
“Tired?”
“Can’t focus. I feel so weak.”
“Then, rest. I’ll stay here as long as I can.”
One side of her mouth rose in an half-smile as her eyes closed.
Gently, I stroked the warm cheek. “That’s it. Go to sleep. I’ll be
right here.”
The doors to sickbay opened revealing Neelix and a concerned B’Elanna.
“Harry!” She was by his side in an instant. “When no one showed for
lunch, I traced you through the computer. What’s wrong?”
“I’ll be okay,” he reassured. “It seems Caitlin and I picked up a
bug, that’s all.”
Her hand flew to his forehead. “You’re hot.”
“So you keep telling me, Maquis, but I think I’m also running a fever.”
Torres gave an uneasy chuckle. “You hang around Paris and Matthews far
too much, Star Fleet.” Gazing over at Cait though, she quickly sobered. I
think she could tell by Cait’s pallor and my expression that this was no
laughing matter. “How is she?”
I shrugged listlessly. Harry knew the extent of Cait’s condition, but
reinforcing the bad news wouldn’t do him any good. Thankfully, B’Elanna caught
the drift of my silent gestures, and she and I both spent the rest of our lunch
breaks in sickbay, leaving only five minutes before the start of our afternoon
shifts.

I returned much later when my shift finally ended. Harry was sitting
up reading, but he looked worse. I sidled up to Kes, who was running
diagnostic comparisons.
“How are they doing?”
“Not so good,” she whispered. “Harry’s fever is continuing to climb
in spite of our best efforts, and Caitlin’s has remained pretty much where it
was. She’s drifting in and out of lucidity due in large part to the fever.”
“Is there a chance of brain damage from the fever?”
“Not yet, but every hour it stays up, the possibility increases.
What’s worse is that the infection seems to be respiratory in nature, and her
breathing is becoming more labored as time goes along. Eventually, we may have
to put her on life support, Harry, too, if he grows progressively worse. If we
only knew what was causing the infection. Neelix was completely unaffected and
conventional treatments are simply not working.” She attempted a hopeful
smile. “Why don’t you go visit? It might cheer them both up.”
“I’ll give it a try.” I strolled over wearing my best grin. “Howzit
goin’, Harry?”
“Lousy, and I’m bored stiff.” He tried to smile, but coughed instead.
I snickered. “I know how that is. Bet you’re tired of seeing the
Doc’s gorgeous face, too.”
“Yeah, that’s true.” He glanced over at Cait. “She’s not doing too
well, Tom, and to be honest, I’m getting scared for her and for myself.”
I patted his shoulder. “That’s normal. But don’t you worry. We’ll
see you both through this latest crisis.”
“Sure. Everything’s going to be just peachy. Look, maybe you’d better
go visit her. I think she needs you more than I do right now.”
“Fine. Reject my company, why don’tcha?” I winked. “I’ll just go
find a better audience.”
I moved to Cait’s bed. Kes was right; she was having difficulty
breating. Lifting her chest to inhale seemed to take all her strength.
“Cait? Cait, can you hear me?”
The green eyes opened halfway. “Tom?”
“Yeah, it’s me. I told you I’d come back. Can I get you anything?”
“Unh-unh. Just talk to me a little.”
“Sure. Any topic in particular?”
“Anything.”
“Anything?” I grinned. “You do realize you’re leaving yourself pretty
vulnerable to ol’ Tom.”
She smiled exhaustedly. “Would you really take advantage of someone in
distress?”
“In the past, maybe, but not now. And certainly not you.”
“Then, I’m fairly safe.”
My fingers brushed her warm cheek. “Yeah, you are. How about I tell
you a story. Chakotay has shared a few beauts with me during one or two of
our sessions.”
“Mmm-hmm.” The eyes closed wearily.
“All right, let’s see if I can remember one. A long time ago, before
the two-legged walked the Earth . . .”
My voice droned on. At one point, I heard a rustle of covers behind
me and looked around. Harry had fallen asleep, too. I wasn’t sure whether to
take that as a compliment or not.
After I finished the story, I remained at Cait’s bedside, clutching
her hand. Any anxiety I might have felt from being this close to her had long
since vanished; I just wanted her and Harry well again. All of a sudden, she
began to gasp like she couldn’t breath.
“Cait? Doc! Kes!”
They were both at her side in an instant.
“Respiratory arrest. Her organs are no longer receiving the oxygen
they need. Prepare the pressure shell.” The Doctor commanded.
Kes dashed across the room with me at her heels. It was a bulky device
and I knew she would probably need help carrying it.
I looked down at Cait as they erected the shell. She was fully awake
now, her glassy eyes filled with panic. Her left hand grabbed my arm, its
fingers painfully choking the flesh.
“You’ll be fine,” I reassured. “We’ll have you breathing normally in
no time.”
The Doctor activated the device and in a few seconds her breathing
steadied considerably. As the hand slid from my arm, I stroked her forehead.
“See, what did I tell you?”
The green eyes gradually blinked shut.
“That’s it. Go back to sleep. I’ll stay right here.” I glanced up
at Kes, who shook her head. *Oh gods, NO!* I stepped away from the bed.
“How long?” I whispered.
She shrugged. “I don’t know. This is such a stop-gap measure. She
could hold on a day or perhaps several days. On the other hand, the illness
has progressed so quickly; she may not make it through the night.”
“Um, excuse me,” Harry piped up. “I don’t mean to sound selfish, but-”
He lowered his voice. “Just where does this leave me?”
“That’s a good question,” the Doctor conceded, running the scanner
first over Cait, then Harry. “The infection is progressing much slower in your
body for any one of a hundred reasons, ranging from your immune system to the
amount of infection to which you were initially exposed. We’ve been attempting
to isolate the differences, especially those between you two and Mr. Neelix.
However, it could simply be that he is Talaxian and you are both human.”
Sighing in frustration, he crossed the room to his office.
Kes patted Harry’s leg. “We’re sorry, Harry.”
“Yeah, yeah,” he sighed. “I know you’re doing your best.”
I turned to Kes. “Do you think you can get the Doc’s okay for me to
stay here tonight. If she goes, I want to be with her.”
She nodded. “If I can’t, we’ll simply de-activate him, and he won’t
know until it’s too late.” Chuckling slightly, she headed back to her console.
She wasn’t serious, but I knew she’d make sure I could stay.

THE PARIS JOURNALS, vol. V

Casualties
Part 3

By Carly Hunter
copyright 1996

The hours dragged on. B’Elanna came by with some food, and she, Harry,
and I ate a quiet dinner together. Afterwards, they chatted between themselves
while I turned back to Cait.
She was still sleeping. Her breathing remained even, so the shell was
doing its job. I picked up one of Harry’s PADDs and began reading some
detective story. The victim’s body had just been discover when Cait stirred.
“Cait? I’m here.”
“Mm.” Her head rolled in my direction, the eyes barely opening.
I took a soft, damp cloth and wiped her face. Hearing a small grunt of
appreciation, I sat back down on the stool I had borrowed. You could tell she
was trying to fight her way to consciousness, but it was a losing battle.
Whatever it was inside her had sapped all her strength. Twice, her lips parted
as if she wanted to speak, but nothing came out.
“It’s okay, Cait.” I soothed her as best I could. “You don’t have to
say anything. Whatever it is can wait until you’re better.” My voice waivered
slightly. “Listen, I’ll be right back.”
Tears had begun to fill my eyes, and I didn’t want one of her last
images to be me blubbering like an idiot. Stepping away, I cleared my throat
and took a few cleansing breaths.
B’Elanna came up beside me. “Tom, are you all right? If you want to
take a break, I’ll sit with her a while.”
“No.” I whispered, rubbing my forehead. “I’ll be okay. I can handle
this.”
By the time I moved back to the bed, Cait had fallen back asleep. I
picked up the PADD again and started to read. It was going to be a very
long night.
Around 2130, Torres tapped me on the shoulder. “Harry’s asleep,” she
whispered. “And I’m going to turn in, too. Do you need anything before I do?”
“Nah, I’m fine. Besides,” I tapped the display in my hand. “This
story’s finally getting interesting.”
She squeezed my shoulder. “You should get some rest, as well. Running
yourself into the ground won’t help Cait.”
I raised an eyebrow. “And if Harry was in Cait’s place, where would
you be?”
Her gaze shifted over to Kim and back again. “Right here where you
are. You still love her, don’t you?”
“B’Elanna, I never stopped.” I gave a little snort of frustration.
“In spite of all that’s happened, my feelings for her haven’t changed.”
“I don’t think that’s what she believes.”
“What!”
“Shh. You’ll wake them.”
I nodded and repeated my ejaculation in a whisper. “What? Why do you
say that?”
“Because of what she said through the door last night. That’s why I
didn’t think it wise of you to go visit her.”
“Why? What did she say?”
“At the time, it didn’t make sense, but after you explained that it was
an anniversary for you two, the pieces fell into place.”
I grabbed B’Elanna’s arm and led her away from the bed. “Now. Tell
me precisely what she said.”
“Well, first, she refused to come to Sandrine’s. When I asked why, she
said it was because of you. That since you had chosen to bury things, she
might as well, too. Then, she mumbled something about reminding you to delete
a holodeck program, which I figured was absolutely none of my business. So, I
left. She sounded like she had been drinking, and from experience, I know her
temper can be worse than mine when she’s plastered. That was why I didn’t
think you should see her; if she was already angry with you, I thought your
presence would only make her angrier.”
“Damn.” I raised my face to the ceiling and took a deep breath.
Shutting my eyes, I tried to regroup my whirling thoughts. What should I do?
At this point, what could I do? She was dying. I was going to lose her
for good.
“Tom?” B’Elanna put a concerned hand on my arm.
“Huh? Oh, I’m okay. Listen, thanks for telling me this. It doesn’t
help now, but it might in the future.” I cast a discouraged eye at Cait. “If
she makes it through the night, that is.”
“Don’t give up on her yet, Paris. She’s a fighter.”
I let out a small chuckle. “Believe me, Torres. No one knows that
better than I.”
She smiled encouragingly. “Just making sure you remember. See you
in the morning.”
“Yeah. ‘Night.”
As she left, I resumed my post by Cait’s side, returning to the story
I had been reading. I nodded off a couple of times and nearly fell off
the stool. For my own safety, the Doc suggested I make temporary use of a
vacant biobed, promising to call me if there was any change. I took his advice
and after another screen or two of prose, I was out like a light.

” . . . The first time I saw her she was unloading medical
supplies for the informal clinic we had set up outside the Meridan
settlement. She barked orders like a seasoned captain and rarely
smiled.” Chakotay stood at the front of the room, beside him was the
Captain. Another memorial service. Wonderful.
Harry sat on my right; B’Elanna sat next to him. For once,
there were tears in her eyes. I looked to my left, expecting to see
Cait, but Tuvok was seated there instead. Then it hit me; what
Chakotay had been saying. He was talking about Cait.
A lump rose in my throat. NO! I wasn’t ready to say good-
bye to her. I still needed her.
“She was a fine soldier, and I am proud to have served with
her both in the Maquis and here on Voyager. She would risk her life
for you, whether she knew you or not, and she would not back down, no
matter what the odds. I’ll miss her. All of us will miss her, but
we’ll carry on because that is what she would’ve wanted.” Grimacing,
Chakotay bowed his head slightly before turning toward the Captain.
“Ensign.” She nodded to the young man on her right, who
readied himself to sound the customary whistle of farewell.
Slowly, I rose to my feet and stood at attention as the
whistle was blown. Well, that was it. As far as the ship was
concerned, she was gone. As far as I was concerned, a huge,
gaping wound had just opened somewhere within me.
A hand squeezed my right shoulder. “Hey, Tom. Will you
be okay?”
“Yeah, Harry. I will be. It’s just going to take me a long
time.”
“I know. Look, if you need to talk or something-”
“Yeah, yeah. Right now, I only want to be alone for a little
while, okay.”
“Sure, Tom. Whatever.”
Without another word, I exited the room. I had to get to my
quarters before my resolve broke down into a flood of tears. As the
doors to my room shut behind me, I threw myself across the bed and
waited. But they wouldn’t come. I wanted to cry. I wanted to purge
myself of this awful emptiness, but I couldn’t.
“AUGH!” I threw a pillow across the room. “Why?”
“Why what?”
I sat up. She perched on the edge of the sofa, plain as the
nose on my face. “Wha-? Cait? How did-? I mean, you’re dead.”
“Am I?” She grinned mischievously. “Says who?”
“But I just came from your memorial service.” I stared at her,
open-mouthed; she looked so real. “I must be dreaming.”
“Of course, you’re dreaming, Paris. Could I do this if you
weren’t?” Cait crossed the room and took my face in her hands, her
lips closing softly over mine.
My arms wrapped around her waist. Pressing my cheek against
her stomach, I felt the tears finally begin.

“Oh gods.” My eyes opened to the sickbay ceiling. Rising up on one
elbow, I gazed over at Cait’s bed. We had been through so much together, and
for us to end like this, as barely friends, seemed so wrong. I lay there a few
minutes more, watching her sleep. She meant so much to me. I didn’t want to
lose her, not now, not ever. Finally, I got up and crept to her bedside.
Bending over, I kissed her tenderly on the lips before settling back onto
the stool.
“Cait, do you remember when we first started going out? A long time
ago, huh? I was so nervous; you made me so nervous. You were unlike any of
the other girls I had dated; tough, strong, a real rogue in your own way.
I wasn’t quite sure how to approach you, well, outside of bed and Sandrine’s,
that is.
“I mean, you wouldn’t believe the trouble I had coming up with a proper
setting for our first real date. Candy and flowers didn’t seem to fit you
exactly, so I got Harry to start that conversation about dates over
dinner that time. Remember? He didn’t want to do it, but good ol’ Harry,
after I promised him a replicated dinner of his choice, he finally agreed.
“And boy, was I glad I did. Considering how you ranted about
unimaginative sentimentality, you probably would’ve laughed in my face
if I had tried to park on Mars with you, especially once I brought out the
flowers. Although, you didn’t laugh when I bought you a rose from that
Parisian street vendor, did you?
“That was some night, wasn’t it? A moonlit walk through Paris. I’ll
always remember your expression when you turned to me on the Petit-Pont,
Notre Dame over your shoulder, the street lights reflecting in your beautiful
eyes. You had never been to France, and you were so excited, just like a
little kid. You wanted to see everything, and I wanted to show it all to you.
“I’ve never forgotten that evening, Cait, or the subsequent ones,
either. I love you, dammit,” I whispered, gently stroking the auburn hair.
“I’ve wanted to tell you that for so long, but I haven’t been able to. I’m
sorry. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me and I need you.”
Kissing her once more, I returned to my bed. Maybe she could hear
me and maybe she couldn’t. But the words came from the heart, and I thought
I’d feel a little better for finally saying them.

Hours later, Kes shook me awake, a huge grin on her face. “Someone
wants to see you.”
Sluggishly, I rolled off the bed. Cait was awake and sitting up.
The shell was gone; she was breathing on her own. My face lit up with a broad
smile of disbelief.
The tired green eyes twinkled pucklishly. “You look like hell, Paris.”
“So do you,” I shot back.
“Yeah, but I’ve got an excuse. What’s yours?”
“Late night at Sandrine’s. B’Elanna and I decided to whoop it up since
you and Harry were otherwise occupied.”
“Figures,” she grinned.
It was the most beautiful site I’d seen. I grasped her hand, giving it
a firm squeeze. “I’m glad you’re better, Cait. You know, my life would be
pretty dull without you.”
“Well, we can’t have that, can we?” She started to laugh and fell into
a tiny paroxysm of coughing.
“You all right?”
“Yes, the Doctor says I should stop coughing over the next twenty-four
hours. Just a little reminder of what I picked up.”
I turned on the hologram. “What happened?”
“I discovered a small parasite in their lungs. It was so small that
initially it didn’t register on our scans. For some reason, it imbeded itself
within the alveoli of the human lung, using the inhaled oxygen to feed and
reproduce. However, as soon as their population reached a significant
size, they registered on the scan I did of Lt. Matthews early this morning.
Once I knew what I was dealing with, finding a suitable treatment was actually
a very simple matter. Although, I do remain puzzled as to why the infection
was so much worse in the Lieutenant than in Ensign Kim, but I theorize it may
have had something to do with the quantity of alcohol she consumed the previous
evening.” The Doctor raised a smug eyebrow.
Unphased, Cait snickered.
“What so funny, Matthews. You heard the Doc.” I glanced back at her
trying my best to sound stern, for all the good it did me.
A big smile broke across her face. “Are you reporting for duty
like that, Paris?”
*Duty!* I hadn’t even given thought to it. “What time is it?”
“It’s 0750, Tom.” Kes tried hard to suppress a grin as Harry began
to chuckle.
*Okay, Thomas. You have two choices. Tear out like a whirlwind or
bring a little dignity to your exit.* I opted for a shot at dignity.
“Well, since both of your conditions have improved so much, I see no
need for my continued presence. I’ll stop by later this afternoon to check on
your progress.” Watching Cait choke back laughter, I gave her leg a tiny pat
before stolling casually out of sickbay.
Once the doors closed behind me, I broke into a mad dash. By the
time I reached my room, I had five minutes to shower, shave and change.
Somehow, though, I made it to the bridge only three minutes late. No one said
a word.

At 1230 hours when my lunch break arrived, I followed Chakotay up the
steps. “Hey, Commander, do you have any plans for lunch?”
“Nothing special, Mr. Paris. Why?”
“I need to talk.”
“Oh?” Concern immediately flickered across his face as we stepped into
the lift. “Deck 2. About what, Tom?”
“About Cait. I’m not sure what I should do. We had words a couple of
nights ago, and I’m really worried that we’re going to continue to drift apart.
We may not be seeing one another anymore, but I don’t want to lose her as a
friend. And to be honest, I’m afraid I’m going to.”
The doors to the lift opened, and we exited, heading toward the mess.
“Tom, I don’t think that is a genuine risk. Caitlin cares for you
too much.”
“I’m not doubting that she does, Chakotay, but you didn’t hear what
she told B’Elanna the other night.” I gave him a quick synopsis of the events.
“And to top it all off, she was drunk. She never handles her problems by
getting drunk. That’s my way, or at least, it was.” I grinned slightly in
partial jest.
A frown creased his brow as we entered the mess. “I didn’t realize
that the level of tension between the two of you had risen to that degree, but
I’m afraid what she’s experiencing also goes beyond that. Trauma, such as what
you have been through, is often a shared experience, affecting our loved ones
sometimes as much as ourselves.”
We got our trays and sat down prior to his continuing. “Paris, when
was the last time you two had an honest discussion about how you both felt?”
“Not in quite a while. After our initial conflicts when I first left
sickbay, we’ve pretty much tip-toed around the subject. Although, on the few
occasions when she has tried to reach out to me, I’ve asked her not to.”
“In other words, you’ve rejected her attempts to offer support.”
I shook my head. “Not intentionally, no. I told her a couple of
weeks ago I would only be her friend, nothing more, but she has had trouble
accepting that. She wants us to be together again.”
A dark eyebrow raised knowingly. “Is that so bad? Isn’t it what you
want, too?”
“Well, yeah,” I stammered. “I’d like us back together, but I don’t
think I’m ready, yet. Who am I kidding? I know I’m not ready.”
“Then, tell her that. You have to look at this from her perspective,
Tom. When she has tried to reach out, you’ve either rejected her outright or
you two have wound up in a fight. As a result, she feels powerless to help the
one person she cares for the most on this ship. This leads to frustration and
anger and then guilt over feeling angry. And since your current relationship
won’t allow her relieve these feelings, evidently the only way she sees out
of this dilemma is to sever emotional ties with you.”
He leaned forward in his seat. “You’ve got to talk to her, Lieutenant.
Show her where you’re coming from; find out where she’s coming from; and maybe
even encourage her to talk to someone else about her feelings. The picture I’m
getting from you is of two people who care a lot about each other, but can’t
communicate those feelings to one another worth a damn. Why not set aside some
time one evening this week and just talk to her, Paris? You might be surprised
at the results.”
“Easier said than done, Commander,” I snorted. “You know, just once,
I’d like life to have a few simple solutions.”
A small smile of experience crossed his lips. “Life does, Lieutenant.
We’re the ones who make it complicated.”

The following evening, I stood outside Cait’s quarters. She and
Harry had been released from sickbay that morning with clean bills of health.
Now came the hard part. Our little chat. My stomach gave its usual warning
lurch, but I ignored it. This was something I had to do. Running away wasn’t
an option this time. Taking a deep breath, I pressed the chime.
“Come in.” Cait sat in the recliner, wearing a pair of multi-hued
lounging pants and a cropped olive top, which revealed a portion of her toned,
pale stomach. “Hey, Paris. What brings you here?”
The smile that greeted me was warm and friendly, and out of reflex, my
own mouth spread in a wide grin. “You do, actually.”
“Oh, really? I like the sound of that.”
“Tch-tch,” I clicked my tongue in mock disgust. “Out of sickbay less
than twenty-four hours and you’re already flirting with a superior officer.”
“Superior? Since when were you ever my superior?”
I flopped down on her couch. “Well, it stands to reason, doesn’t it?
I am one of the senior officers; I’m in charge of conn; you’re only Tuvok’s
second.”
“That only means you outrank me,” she countered, moving onto the sofa
beside me. “It doesn’t mean you’re my superior.” Her eyes twinkled for a
moment before an uncomfortable silence gradually descended.
My gaze shifted nervously away. Going in, I knew this would be tough,
but somehow I had hoped it would be easier than this. I swallowed hard,
choking back the rising tide of nausea. “So, um, how are you feeling? The
coughing stopped yet?”
“Oh, just about,” Cait replied lightly, adjusting her position to allow
a greater distance between us. “Kes told me you spent night before last in
sickbay in case I didn’t pull through. I want you to know that means a lot to
me. Considering how distant we’ve been lately, I wasn’t sure-” She broke off
and stared at the floor.
“Yeah, I know. B’Elanna told me what you said to her, and I want to
apologize. I honestly didn’t think-” I paused and took a deep breath,
screwing up my courage. “Look, Cait, we need to talk. According to Chakotay,
the family and friends of the trauma victim suffer right along with the
victim, and if you take into account the depth of our past, it’s only natural
for you to-” The hardened expression on her face caused me to hesitate.
“To what, Counselor Paris?” She flipped back defensively. “A word of
advice, don’t psychoanalyze me. People have tried in the past, and I didn’t
take kindly to it.”
Stung by this response, I bit my tongue, waiting for my own anger to
pass. I hadn’t come there to argue with her, and I certainly didn’t want a
repeat of the other night. “All right, Matthews, then just how do you propose
I figure what is going on inside you? You aren’t exactly the most forthcoming
individual when you’re upset, you know.”
“Sorry,” she shot back sarcastically. “I didn’t realize I had to wear
my heart on my sleeve for you. Perhaps I should also carry a hankerchief
to dab my moist eyes.”
“Oh, for pete’s sake, Cait, I’m trying to talk to you. Can’t you see
that?” Then, it struck me. She had put up a wall now, too. Grimacing, I
summoned all my strength. I wasn’t ready to throw our friendship away; maybe
she was, but I wasn’t. And if that was true, it was up to me to knock this new
wall down.
“Okay, fine. You don’t want to be analyzed? Fine. I’ll skip the
softer explanation and go right for the jugular. Here’s the way it appears
to me. You resent the emotional barrier that I’ve erected around myself, don’t
you? It frustrates you and it makes you angry. You’ve tried to reach out to
me, only to have your hand slapped away, and you’ve tried to be patient, only
now your patience is wearing thin. So thin, you’re ready to turn your back on
our friendship and let it die. Right?”
The green eyes opened wide, and for a while, she just stared at me
unsure of how to respond. Eventually, her gaze dropped to her lap. “I don’t
think you needed to be quite that blunt,” she whispered. “I feel rotten enough
as it is. You’re the one who’s suffered; I should be here to support you, not
increase you troubles like I did the other night.”
“Cait,” I took her face in my hands, tilting it up toward me. “I
don’t blame you for your outburst. If I was in your place, I might not have
lasted this long. But I also know that if you don’t deal with these feelings,
we will lose what friendship we now share, and I don’t want that. We’ve been
through too much to let that happen. Agreed?”
The head between my hands nodded, her eyes slowly filling with tears.
Encouraged, I continued. “Then, do me a favor. Talk to someone,
Chakotay, B’Elanna, anyone. Explore the causes of these feelings; in doing so,
you may learn how to handle them better. Please? For us.”
With some reluctance, she nodded again. “Tom, I care about you so
much, and to sit by watching you go through all this and not being able to do
anything has been agonizing.” She pulled away and sat back.
“You didn’t turn to me; you turned to Chakotay, which was probably for
the best, but I felt rejected. Like I had failed you somehow as a friend; that
you couldn’t confide in or trust me when you found yourself in need.”
Her voice waivered as she angrily brushed away a tear. “Silly, isn’t it?”
“Shh.” I slipped my arm around her and pulled her head into the crook
of my shoulder. “It’s not silly. The first time you drifted into one of your
silent moods, I felt the same way and still do at times, but I learned to give
you some space before trying to draw you out.” Gently grasping her chin, I
raised her gaze to mine. “Cait, you’re one of the best friends I have. You’re
not a failure; you just feel a little helpless, which none of us likes.”
As I looked into the glistening emerald eyes, it suddenly dawned on me.
I was holding her; I was talking to her; and I wasn’t going to throw up.
The butterflies were still there, sure, but they were nothing compared to what
they had been. Perhaps this little chat had been more necessary than either of
us had realized. Maybe there was hope for us after all.
Emboldened by my discovery, I pressed on. “Now, as far as you and I
go, that’s another story entirely. You’ve got to believe me when I say that
nothing would make me happier than for us to be together again. My feelings
for you haven’t changed, but the way I can express them has. If I thought I
would wake up tomorrow ready to start a relationship with you, you couldn’t
budge me from these quarters tonight. But I don’t know when I’ll be ready.”
My finger tapped the side of my head. “There’s still a lot of stuff up
here I’ve got to sort out first, and I don’t want life to pass you by while I’m
sifting through my problems. Understand?”
A tiny smile crossed her lips. “Yes, I’m afraid I do. I’m so
sorry, Tom.”
“Matthews,” I replied softly. “You’ve done nothing to be sorry for.
What you’re experiencing is a perfectly normal human reaction. Which follows,
since you are human, aren’t you?” I teased.
“Ask the Doc. He’s certainly scanned me enough lately.” She smirked,
but the green eyes were still sad.
“I may just do that. For all I know, you could be some Cardassian
infiltrator.”
“That’s not funny, Paris,” she snickered.
“Then, why are you laughing?”
Her arms flew around my neck, hugging me close. “Because you’re my
friend, and it’s my duty to be supportive, even when you make a lousy joke.”
I chuckled and hugged her back. “It goes both ways, Matthews. It goes
both ways.”

From newsfeed.pitt.edu!CTCnet!news.math.psu.edu!chi-news.cic.net!nntp.coast.net!howland.reston.ans.net!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!newsfeed.internetmci.com!in2.uu.net!world!news.bu.edu!acs.bu.edu!crime Tue Feb 27 22:33:20 1996
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From: crime@bu.edu (mary self)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: VOY: Impediments
Date: 24 Feb 1996 18:46:31 GMT
Organization: Boston University
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DISCLAIMERS: The original characters belong to Paramount, but the character
of Caitlin Matthews and the story are mine.

WARNING: This story contains mature subject matter, so if you are easily
offended, BEWARE.

NOTE: This story does contain references to other Paris/Matthews stories I’ve
written, namely `Incubation’ and `Two Ships’. I’ve tried to keep the
references as incidental as possible. However, I have reposted `Two
Ships’ for those who may have missed it the first time.

Impediments
Part 1

By Carly Hunter
copyright 1996

THE PARIS JOURNALS, vol. IV

My name is Tom Paris. Otherwise known as pig extraordinaire to all
except my closest friends; to them, I’m just a pig. At least, I was. A while
ago, I met someone, a very special someone, and as a result, I’ve tried my best
to change. Okay, I’ll admit it; sometimes I can still be a selfish ass, but I
am trying. Honest.
Cait is, how shall I put it, my equal in every sense of the word, and
our history together has been very chequered. When we first met on board, we
didn’t get along. Go figure. I didn’t trust her because she was Maquis, and
frankly, even with Chakotay’s implied protection, it took me a while to stop
looking over my shoulder for any of my `forgiving’ ex-comrades. For that same
reason, she didn’t trust me. She was Maquis all the way. They were her
family, and as an ex post facto informant, I ranked only a little below Seska
on her distrust scale.
However, circumstances forced us into a closer working relationship,
and well, things just went from there. We hit a rough patch or two but worked
through them. I had never felt this way about any woman. At once, I found
myself both challenged and a little intimidated; a sort of healthy
competitiveness existed between us. I was even seriously considering marriage
and kids. Probably not the smartest move on a lone starship that was
constantly under the threat of attack, but one I made nevertheless.
And then, I blew it. So what’s new, huh? I got mad, didn’t think,
got drunk, and blew it. Technically, I didn’t cheat on her; she knows this.
Yet, appearances at the time indicated otherwise, and I can’t say I blame her
for ending our relationship then and there.
Somehow, though, we’ve managed to stay friends. She’s helped me on
more than one occasion to clean-up my act, and when she’s been in trouble, I’ve
done my best to help her. Once or twice, we’ve even ended up back in bed with,
of course, both of us swearing it was a mistake the next day. However, partly
as a result of these encounters I’ve continued to hold out hope that maybe
one day we might get back together, because, you know, time is a funny thing.
One minute, your life isn’t worth a grain of sand; the next, you’re the
richest, luckiest man alive. Only twice in my recent past have I felt
like the latter. The first was when I slid behind Voyager’s helm. The other
was when I was with Cait. Yeah, she’s that special, believe me.
When she became one of four women on board pregnant with alien
entities, I volunteered to become her `coach’ and a substitute father for the
kid. It was a pretty amazing experience, bringing us a lot closer than we had
been allowing ourselves to be, and I must admit being called daddy
was incredible. I could freely show the kid love, and he accepted it without
hesitation, responding openly with growing affection for me. Cait named him
Rowan Thomas Matthews; Rowan after her father and Thomas after yours truly.
He was a good kid, well-behaved, intelligent, and just a little mischievous.
He was the kind of kid I always hoped Cait and I would have, but he wasn’t
ours, and when the time came, we had to let him go. It was extremely difficult
for both of us, providing one more reason to seek each other out for comfort
and companionship, which was ultimately why we were at Sandrine’s this
particular evening. . .

I drew back the cue. *That’s it, Thomas. Nice ‘n steady, just the way
you’ve been going with Cait. Nope, not yet. Now.* I hit the cue ball right
on target. It shot down the table, bounced off the far bumper and tapped the
8-ball into the side pocket. Perfect.
“Yes!” Harry hissed under his breath.
I straightened up, grinning. “I believe that’s one dinner of my
choice, Matthews.”
A disbelieving smile lingered on her lips. “It was worth it to see
that shot. You’ve been practicing, Paris.”
“Not at all. Just feeling lucky.” Actually, I had been feeling lucky
for some time now. My grandmother always told me that once a woman gives
birth, she never looks at life the same way again, and I hoped that held
true here, even though Rowan had been with us for only two weeks.
Patiently, I had persisted. Nothing Cait would’ve noticed, mind you.
A little touch here. A friendly hug there. If she seemed uncomfortable, I
backed off a ways and then tried again later. Over the past few weeks, I had
managed to work up to the point where I could escort her to her quarters with
my arm around her shoulders; buddy-like, sure, but my arm was there all the
same. The last two times I did this, her arm had been around my waist. I
figured tonight, if the timing was right, I’d try to kiss her. Nothing too
fired-up and passionate. Simply a quick, more-than-friends brush of the lips.
I felt like an eleven year-old working up the nerve to kiss his first
girlfriend.
“Another game?” B’Elanna ventured. “Double or nothing?”
Cait shook her head. “Not me. I know better than to wager against a
hot-streak when my gut says no, and right now, it’s flashing a capital N-O for
all it’s worth.”
I raised my arms in a good-natured shrug. “What can I say? Sometimes
the ol’ Paris luck isn’t all bad.”
“And when you’re hot, you’re hot, right?” Her green eyes danced
flirtatiously at yours truly.
“Scorching,” I fired back, my best grin stretched from ear to ear.
Cait laughed lightly and winking at Torres, picked up her drink.
“C’mon, B’Elanna. I think we can let them win this one. We still have a track
record they will never match.”
Harry stepped around the table and embraced his lady-love from behind.
“I’ll even make it worth your while,” he teased, kissing her cheek.
The half-Klingon craned her head around. “Is that a promise?”
“Absolutely.”
“Then hold him to it, and let us get the hell out of here.” Cait
looked over at me. “Agreed?”
I nodded. “Computer, end program. C’mon, Matthews, let’s leave the
holodeck to the lovebirds.”
“Right behind you, Paris.”
Outside the holodeck, I draped my arm casually across her shoulders,
feeling her arm reciprocally encircle my waist. So far, so good. Her quarters
were only a few doors down and around the bend.
I leaned against the wall as she keyed open the door. *Yeah, Thomas,
go for it.* “Oh, one thing, Cait.”
“What?”
“This.” I grasped her chin firmly, holding her head in place, as I
lightly pressed my lips to hers. They were moist and soft, easily yielding to
weight of my mouth. I was willing to bet I could carry the kiss further, but
with a great deal of self-control, I reined in the hormones and pulled away.
“Good night, Cait.” Without another word, I stepped around the corner and
headed for my own room.
She didn’t follow me; she didn’t even call me back, which was good. It
probably meant she was too stunned. Now, I only had to wait about nine hours
to see how she reacted at breakfast.
On the whole, I was quite proud of myself, showing a good deal more
patience and restraint over the past few weeks than I had believed was
possible. To be honest, though, right then I didn’t feel like sleeping. I
felt like celebrating both from happiness and relief. I paused at the door to
my quarters. “Computer, is holodeck three still in use?”
“Affirmative.”
“What program?”
“Personal program, Kim two. Privacy locks are engaged.”
A sly smile spread across my face; evidently, Harry and B’Elanna had
taken my offhand remark seriously. I keyed open my door and threw myself on
the bed, grinning like a fool up at the ceiling. I wanted to tell someone.
I wanted to run jumping and screaming through the ship. I wanted to dance,
shoot off fireworks, you name it. Yessiree, lady luck was definitely favouring
this Lieutenant. I only prayed she would continue to do so.

Too anxious to linger in bed, I was the first of our foursome to arrive
at breakfast the next morning and commandeered our usual table. Harry joined
me about two minutes later.
“So you took my advice last night, huh?” I teased.
“What?”
“The holodeck, tiger.”
He turned about six shades of red. “How did you know?”
“I was going to run Sandrine’s some more, but found that it was
unavailable, shall we say?”
“Why? I thought you had called it quits for the night.”
I grinned slyly. “I had my own reason to celebrate.” Leaning across
the table, I related in a hushed tone what had happened between Cait
and myself.
“Paris,” he reproached, rolling his eyes toward the ceiling. “When are
you going to learn? How did she respond?”
“Don’t know. I haven’t seen her yet. It’s a long shot, sure, but
nothing ventured, nothing gained.”
He wagged his fork at me. “You know something, Paris? You are either
a masochist or an incurable romantic. I can’t decide which.”
“Maybe I’m both.” Suppressing a smile, I bent over my food. “Shh.
Here they come.”
The two women walked up with their trays. Cait hardly looked at me.
*Damn!* Maybe my lucky streak had ended. I sat there quietly pondering my
options, when a boot, running suggestively up the back of my right leg, nearly
made me spill my coffee.
“A little jumpy today, Paris?” Cait noted calmly as I wiped my hand.
“Luck not holding out?”
I regarded her silently, unable to tell if she was seriously flirting
or just toying with me from anger. “You might be in a better position to tell
that than I am.”
“Me?”
“Yeah. Didn’t you tell me once your grandmother read palms or
something?” I gazed deeply into her eyes. *Nope, still can’t tell. Damn!*
“Scrying, right, but she also used to say that the future is almost
always cloudy because it’s not meant for all to see.”
“Hmph.” I grunted. Cloudy, indeed. You could interpret that a
million ways, including one or two I didn’t like.
The boot stroked my leg again, but she kept right on talking as if
nothing was happening. I jerked my leg away, carefully monitoring her
expression. For a brief instant, the green eyes fell to the tray before her.
Perhaps the future wasn’t so cloudy after all. I moved my foot behind her leg,
wedging it between her two feet. The expression brightened ever so slightly,
and she raised her leg, placing it over mine. *Yes!!*
“All senior officers report to the briefing room,” the Captain
commanded over the comm system. *Damn.*
Kim and Torres bounded to their feet and headed for the door. I rose
more slowly. “Hate to leave you alone, Cait, but duty calls.”
“I know, but it’s not the first meal I’ve finished alone, and it
certainly won’t be the last. Besides, there’s always lunch and dinner.”
My heart did a triple flip. “Absolutely,” I responded
enthusiastically. *Whoa, Thomas. Take it slow, remember?* With a slightly
roguish grin, I left the mess.
The other two officers were waiting for me at the lift. “So, did you
get your answer, Paris?” Harry snickered.
“Yeah. I think I did. Bridge.” I called as the doors closed.
“What answer? What are you two talking about?” B’Elanna demanded.
“Does this have anything to do with you and Caitlin playing footsie under
the table?”
My jaw dropped as Harry collapsed against the side of the car laughing.
“You knew?” I sputtered. “How?”
She chuckled. “Your expression when you almost spilled your coffee
gave it all away. Something had to be happening under the table because the
conversation above the table didn’t merit such surprise. Don’t worry. Your
secret is safe. We won’t even let on to Caitlin that we know, right, Harry?”
My best friend straightened up, wiping his eyes. “Yeah, right. I tell
you, Tom, I don’t know which was better. Your expression at the table or here
in the lift. They were both pretty priceless.” He started laughing again at
the thought.
“Very funny.” I tried to scowl, but couldn’t. I was on cloud nine, as
they used to say, and offhand, I couldn’t think of anything that would bring
me down.

The meeting informed us that at 1100 hours, Harry, Chakotay and myself
would board a shuttle for a nearby class-M planet. As usual, Voyager found
herself in need of a few supplies and the Langarians had agreed to provide them
to us. Captain Janeway had decided we would take a shuttle in instead of
Voyager because the planet was still in the midst of a civil war, and she
didn’t want to place the ship at risk.
*So much for lunch.* I thought bitterly as the meeting broke up.
Fate, with its usual twisted sense of humor, just couldn’t resist throwing one
more impediment in my way. Two weeks before or two weeks after today would
have been one thing, but today of all days. *Well, look at it this way,
Thomas. You’ll be back by dinner, and sometimes the best things in life are
worth waiting for.* My mouth twisted in a wry grin. I had come this far,
after all; I could wait a little longer.

I piloted the shuttle down without incident, landing her at 1135 hours.
The government representatives that met us were cagey, but friendly enough
considering the circumstances. For our own safety, however, our movements
were restricted; the government felt we might make tempting targets to the
rebel forces.
The supplies were assembled and loaded by 1500 hours, to my great
relief. I wasn’t sure what tonight held in store for Cait and myself, but
according to Harry, eagerness was written all over my face. So, when a
government minister invited us join him for an early dinner, I nearly screamed
in frustration. Protocol practically mandated that we accept, and we did,
escorted to three separate, well-appointed suites to refresh ourselves.
Our guards cautioned me against opening my door to any strangers, as I
was shown to my room. Nodding my understanding, I locked the door behind me.
The accomodations weren’t bad; in fact, they were rather good. A window looked
down into a walled garden. In the near distance, I could see a large dark
building surrounded by an equally impressive wall. A prison, it had to be.
Funny, how once you’ve been in one, you can always spot them.
Turning from the window, I threw myself on the bed. I had time to kill
and nothing whatsoever to do, except dwell upon what, and more importantly, who
I was missing on Voyager. As I lay there, wallowing in self-pity, the door
chimed. I lifted my head. “Who is it?”
“It’s me, Paris.”
“Harry?” I got up and crossed over to the door. “Yeah, Harry, what
is it?”
Forgetting the guards’ earlier warning, I opened the door. Two masked
figures stood in front of me. Before I could respond, a stun ray of some sort
hit me and everything went black.
When I came to, my arms were bound together above my head and my
shoulders ached. A spotlight illuminated my naked body, which hung suspended
about fifty centimeters off the floor. A metal bar approximately half a meter
in length separated and secured my feet.
I wasn’t under any illusions as to what was going to happen; I just
wanted to know why. Why me? Were Harry and Chakotay captured, too? Were they
all right? What did these rebels want?
The door in front of me slid open. Two masked figures in dark clothes
entered. One of them carried a humming metal rod. *Sh*t!*
“What do you want? Why have you done this? Where are the others?”
The taller figure spoke. “My dear Lieutenant, I’m afraid you do not
understand your part in this little scene. You do not ask the questions;
we do. You are here only to provide us with answers.”
“Answers to what? Why- Auugh!” Pain, worse than anything I’ve ever
experienced, seized my groin where the rod touched the skin.
“Ah-ah-ah,” the taller figure scolded. “No questions, only answers.
Now, I wish to know the weapons and defensive capabilities of that amazing ship
you pilot.”
*Okay, what did they teach you at the Academy, Thomas?* “My name is
Lt. Tom Paris; I- AAugh!” My entire body spasmed. I could hardly catch my
breath, the pain was so intense.
“You may as well drop the pretense of resistance, Lieutenant, and give
us the information we want. It will save you a lot of pain and me a lot of
time. Now, we will begin with defense. What is the type and strength of
Voyager’s shields?”
“My name is- AAUGH!”

I have no idea how long they questioned me. By the time they finally
lowered me to the ground, I was in so much agony I could hardly see, much less
stand. So, they left me in a crumpled heap on the cell’s cold floor. I
started shivering, and my uniform was thrown in, landing close by. Slowly
reaching out with one hand, I grasped it and brought it to my chest, clinging
to it as though my survival depended upon it.
After a few minutes, I rolled onto my side. I didn’t want to look, but
I had to. Red, bleeding streaks of varying lengths crisscrossed my thighs,
genitals and stomach. Fresh tears welled up in my eyes. *Oh gods, help me.
It hurts so much.*
Eventually, two more masked figures came in. They picked me up and
threw me on a metal ledge, which was to serve as a bed. After cleaning me up
a little, they put my jumpsuit on me, handling me so roughly, that I almost
blacked out from the pain. Then, before they left, one of them ripped open my
sleeve and pressed some device against the inside of my arm. I felt a little
sting, but that was all.
Tentatively, I raised myself into a sitting position and gasped. It
wasn’t any better. No matter whether I sat up or lay down, I was in agony.
In a minute or two though, the pain seemed to ease; perhaps they had given me
a painkiller so I’d be ready for their second round of questioning.
I giggled, letting my head slip into my hands. *Good going, Thomas.
You survived round one. Many didn’t think you’d get that far.* I giggled
again. No, something wasn’t right. I was starting to feel giddy. I raised
my head and stared down at my hands.
*Wow. All the lines. Like valleys running across my palms. And the
swirls on my fingertips. Each one. Different. That one goes that way, and
that one-*
“THOMAS PARIS!”
I leapt from the ledge and crouched down beside it, staring wild-eyed
into the darkness. Round two had begun.

Impediments
Part 2

By Carly Hunter
copyright 1996

FIRST OFFICER’S PERSONAL LOG

Lt. Paris has been kidnapped, according to our hosts, by the rebel
forces, who would stop at nothing to embarrass the government and obtain
valuable information. Ensign Kim and I have sat on our hands for the past two
days watching the government forces round up group after group of rebel
sympathizers, herding them into a massive compound called the Corrections
Center for questioning. After the first day, all the Langarians had to show
for it was Paris’ commbadge. Proof enough, the minister of internal security
declared, of the rebels’ participation.
But as time has drug on, I have become less than certain about the
government’s ability or willingness to find our missing crewmember. When I
voiced my concern over the lack of success, the minister suggested that Voyager
might be granted permission to land and aid in the search if Capt. Janeway
so wished.
“I told him no, Captain.” I reported later, speaking over a secured
channel on the shuttle. I didn’t trust the government enough to use an open
channel anymore.
“Quite right, Commander. But is there still no progress?”
“None. And I can’t say I approve too much of their methods.”
“Are you suggesting that the government is using Tom’s disappearance
for their own benefit?”
“That’s exactly what I am suggesting, Captain, and I am not too fond of
this Corrections Center I see people going into either. It all smacks just a
little too much of the Cardassians to me.”
“So noted, but we are not here to judge what is and what is not the
right government for these people. All that matters now is locating Lt. Paris
and the three of you departing with all possible speed. Is that understood?”
A smile of comprehension spread over my features. What she had not
said was almost as important as what she had said. “Yes, Captain. Understood.
Chakotay out.”
Sometime during the night, I awoke to find a bright light shining in my
face. “Listen and listen well. There will not be time to repeat this. We do
not have your missing crewman; we do not want him.”
“Who does?”
“We suggest you try one of the lower level detention cells in the
Corrections Center. Our sources tell us that he is there, but not for much
longer. He has proven uncooperative and may be terminated within the next few
days. We advise you break him out and depart. The quicker you leave, the
sooner the government loses its excuse for its crackdown. Here. You will find
all the information you need in this.” A small device landed on the bed beside
me.
“Destroy it after you memorized the specifications contained within.
If the government discovers it, you, the Ensign, and the Lieutenant are as good
as dead.” The light was shut off and footsteps moved away toward the door. It
opened onto a darkened corridor, but I could tell by the footfall and very
faint shadows that only one person had been present.
I activated the small processor and immediately began transferring all
the data I could to my tricorder. What I couldn’t, I memorized. By the first
light of dawn, the job had been completed, and I took my phaser and destroyed
the alien device. There were still a few hours before breakfast, and I felt it
wise to get what sleep I could. It didn’t look like I was going to be getting
too much tonight.
The day passed as the others had with no success locating Paris, and as
usual, we accepted our hosts’ profound apologies before turning in. At 2415,
however, I got up and dressed soundlessly in the dark, grabbing my phaser and
tricorder as I left the room. I stole across the hall to Kim’s room.
Purposefully, I had not mentioned any of my plan to the Ensign earlier. Harry
is an intelligent, disciplined officer, but he is still very green when it
comes to covert maneuvers. We had exchanged lock codes several days ago for
safety, so without difficulty, I opened the door and slipped in. Stealing over
to the bed, I placed one hand over Kim’s mouth before waking him.
“Shh. Don’t turn on the light, but get dressed quickly and grab your
phaser and tricorder.”
He nodded his understanding and abiding by my orders. When he was
done, we crept silently out of the building. Only then, did he venture to
speak.
“What exactly are we doing, Commander?”
“Well, since we couldn’t locate Paris the Star Fleet way, I thought we
should try the Maquis way. I have been fortunate enough to receive some very
unusual information which confirms a suspicion I’ve had all along. Whoa!” I
flattened Kim and myself against an alley wall, as a two-man government patrol
passed by on the street. “Okay. Come on.”
“What information?”
“The complete plans of that.” I pointed to the large wall looming
before us.
“The Corrections Center? We’re going to break into that?”
I nodded. “According to my informant, that is where Tom is being held,
and not in some out of the way rebel stronghold. Think about it, Ensign.
Paris’ disappearance has benefitted the government, not the rebels. The crack-
down, which should have been foreseen as an immediate result, has harmed them.
Furthermore, to the best of our knowledge, no conditions for his release have
been made. No, the rebels say Paris is in there, and I’ll wager a kilo of
latinum, they’re right.”
“And what if it’s a trap? What if you’ve been fed this information
intentionally?” Kim’s a cautious officer, always covering his bases.
“That’s a chance we’ll have to take. Every day that Paris is gone, it
becomes more and more unlikely that we will find him alive. Now, come on.”
We stole along the wall until we reached a side service entrance.
Keying in the access code provided, Kim and I slipped quietly in. The place
was a maze of corridors, but the plans in my tricorder yielded unerring
directions. Twice, guards almost stumbled upon us. However, the spirits were
with us, and we made our way to the lower level detention area undetected.
The guard made rounds once every hour, leaving the computer station
vacant for only about seven minutes at that time. Our arrival almost coincided
with one tour, and we waited in a shadowed recess for the guard to leave. When
he finally did so, we crept across to the station and Kim accessed the prisoner
list. “They don’t list them by name, so I’m accessing only the files of those
prisoners brought in on the date he vanished. Come on. Come on.” His fingers
tapped nervously against the console. “Got it. Eleven were brought in, but
only four are still here, and one is a woman. So that just leaves three.”
I shook my head. “Wrong, that just leaves one. Access the file on the
female prisoner. See. No record of subversive activity, and she was brought
in late in the afternoon only an hour before we discovered Paris missing.
We’ll check that cell first.”
The sound of footsteps warned us of the guards approach. We slipped
back into our recess and waited for him to take his seat. His back was toward
us. We ducked low under his line of sight and slipped down the corridor.
As we hurried down the hallway, Kim looked around. “One thing puzzles
me, Commander. Why isn’t there more than one guard present?”
“Mr. Kim, if this place is what I suspect it to be. These prisoners
aren’t in any condition to riot or attempt a break-out. The only threat of a
massive escape comes from outside. Here we are. Number 119, and the tricorder
is reading one human, male. Okay, now let’s see about this lock.”
Kim stooped down. “Here, let me. Tom has showed me a few tricks he
learned about locks in prison. I might have better luck.”
“Be my guest.”
Within a few seconds, the Ensign straightened up. “I think I’ve got
it.”
He pressed the release, and the door slid open, revealing a cell in
total darkness, except for a lone shaft of light. Beneath the beam lay a
crumpled form. With a small cry, Kim advanced and fell to his knees beside it.
Paris lay in fetal position, his hands wedged tightly between his legs.
Streaks of blood and grime crisscrossed his face, and his uniform was filthy
and torn in several places, especially along the arms.
“Tom?” Hesitantly, Kim’s hand reached out to touch his friend’s
shoulder.
Slowly, the eyelids parted, revealing cloudy, unfocused blue eyes.
A barely audible croak emerged from between his dry, cracked lips. “Harry?”
Paris stared straight ahead as if he were addressing some unseen image. “Naw,
not Harry.” Without warning, his body spasmed, throwing him onto his back.
“My gods, Commander. Look at this.” Kim pointed to a series of tiny
red welts dotting Paris’ arm. “What the hell is it?”
I frowned and turned over the Lieutenant’s other exposed arm. The same
welts were present there as well. “Damn!”
“What? What’s wrong with him.”
“Go guard the door!” I whipped our my tricorder. “Good Gods.”
Flipping the device closed, I hoisted the young man into a seated position.
“Is it clear?”
“Yes sir.”
“Then, get over here and help me. We’ve got to get him back to Voyager
and quickly.”
The Ensign ran over and slipped one of Paris’ arms over his shoulders.
“What’s wrong with him? Will he be all right?”
“I don’t know. They’ve been pumping him full of some narcotic, much
like addicts did hundreds of years ago on Earth. The veins in his arms have
almost collapsed from the frequent injections. Right now, he’s in a partial
stupor, but how he’ll react when he comes out is beyond me. Here, I’ve got
him; you keep us covered.”
We made our way out of the complex as rapidly as possible via
maintainance tunnels. They ran underneath the building and connected with
other tunnels running beneath the city. One went right below the docking
facility where our shuttle was waiting.
Once on board, I lay Paris on the bench and ran a more thorough scan
on him while Kim prepared the ship for departure. What the tricorder told me
only increased my concern. Suppressed autonomic responses, irregular heart and
brain activity, and extensive physical damage to the area between his waist and
thighs. All of this, and he hadn’t broken. I placed a hand on his brow
uttering a small prayer for help; he stirred and muttered something
incoherent. I hoped he would make it to Voyager, but I wasn’t sure he would.
“Beginning ascent now, Commander.” the Ensign reported. “We should
break the upper atmosphere in twenty seconds. And we are being hailed by
the Langarians.”
“Ignore them.” I ordered. “Shuttlecraft to Voyager.”
“Tuvok here. Go ahead, Commander.”
“We’ve got Paris, Mr. Tuvok, but he is in bad shape. It seems that the
Langarians have been keeping him heavily drugged with some narcotic, as well as
using other methods of persuasion. Have the Doctor and Kes stand by for
emergency transport as soon as we are within range.”
“Understood. Tuvok out.”
I turned back to the pale, sunken face. He needed so much help, and
there was nothing I could do. Suddenly, Paris’ body bucked wildly, his mouth
opening in a futile attempt to cough up vomit. *DAMN!* Immediately, I pulled
him into an upright position, holding him there by the shoulders.
“What?” Kim spun around. “What’s happening?”
“How long to Voyager?”
“We’ll be in range in under five minutes. What’s happening to him?”
The Ensign’s eyes were wide with fear.
“He’s nauseated, and I’m trying to make sure he doesn’t choke.”
Almost in response, the Lieutenant hiccuped, spewing a small stream of
whitish vomit onto the shuttle floor. Kim grimaced and swung back to the
controls.
“C’mon, Tom. Get it all out.” I muttered, more vomit spattering
noisily onto the carpet. “That’s it. Hang in there, and that’s an order.”
“Shuttlecraft, this is Voyager.” Tuvok hailed. “We have established
a lock on you.”
“Good,” I replied, hoisting the young man to his feet. “Beam
Mr. Paris and myself directly to sickbay. Energize.”
As soon as we materialized, I lay Paris on the floor. Immediately, his
body curled up, shaking uncontrollably. While the Doctor and Kes knelt over
him, Captain Janeway and Lts. Tuvok and Matthews entered. I moved to intercept
Caitlin, attempting to block her view.
“C’mon, Matthews. You don’t need to see this. Let’s let the Doctor
treat him.”
“Chakotay, please. Please, he’s my-” Her eyes caught sight of her
friend.
Paris remained in a fetal position, his body convulsing. “S-stop.
N-no m-more. P-please.” His pleas were hardly a whisper.
“2 ccs of isoprolanoline,” the Doctor barked. “And prepare a neo-
dextraline solution. He’s dehydrated on top of everything else.” He
administered the requested hypospray and the spasms eased. “All right, let’s
get him onto a bed.”
Tuvok and I lifted the deathly pale form off the ground and placed it
gently on one of the biobeds. The Captain stepped over to where Caitlin stood,
wrapping her arm around the younger woman.
“Come on, Lieutenant. The Doctor will let us now as soon as there is
a change. There isn’t much we can do.”
Matthews body quivered slightly. She has seen a lot during her time
with the Maquis and Voyager, but when it’s someone close to you, it’s always a
different story. “No, Captain. I’d prefer to stay here if I could, at least
for the time being. I know better than to get in the way.”
Janeway grimaced compassionately. “All right, I understand. Doctor,
notify me the instant there is a change in his condition. Commander, Tuvok,
my ready room.”
I paused briefly beside Caitlin as I left, my gaze sweeping from her
to Tom and back again. Giving her shoulder a gentle squeeze, I nodded
encouragingly. “Call me” was all I said. She’s very tough, but years of
serving beside her have allowed me to glimpse how much she bleeds beneath
the stony silence.

Impediments
Part 3

by Carly Hunter
copyright 1996

THE PARIS JOURNALS, vol. IV

I felt awful. Weak, shivery and more than a little nauseous, but the
pain was somehow gone. I could see a bright light through my eyelids and hear
the faint hum of what sounded like warp engines. Nah, it had to be another
drug-induced delusion. Any moment, the voice would thunder down at me again.
Oh gods, I felt horrible.
“Tom? Tom, can you hear me?”
It wasn’t the voice I expected. Hesitantly, my eyes opened, and I
tried desperately to focus on the face peering down at me. “Cait, I-”
“Shh. Don’t try to talk.” Her hand gently stroked my forehead.
*Oh gods, please let it be her.*
“He’s awake, Doctor.”
Like lightening, the Doctor was on the opposite side of the bed
scanning me. “How do you feel, Lieutenant?”
“J-jumpy. I c-can’t c-calm down.” The trembling was growing worse.
Suddenly, a sharp, burning pain stabbed me in the gut and took my breath away.
Gasping, I tried to roll onto my side.
Putting down the tricorder, the hologram quickly administered a
hypospray. “You are going to be experiencing the symptoms of withdrawal over
the next few days. This should ease you through the worst of the symptoms,
but you will still feel, on the occasion, pain, nausea, disorientation, and
acute nervous agitation. Withing the week, however, your body should have
returned to its normal, pre-narcotic state.”
I closed my eyes, nodding weakly. The sharp pain and shivering had
already begun to ease. “What about-?” Turning towards him, I swallowed hard.
“What about my other injuries?”
“They have been attended to. I was able to repair most of the nerve
and tissue damage, so I do not believe that your procreative functions will be
impaired. However, there is some scarring that I do not have the ability to
prevent. Some of the dermal tissue was simply too badly damaged.”
“Oh,” was all I could think to reply. Asking questions and focusing on
the answers seemed to take a lot more energy than I had at the moment.
Besides, I didn’t want to know how hideous I now was. I’d be able to see for
myself soon enough. I closed my eyes again, slowly dozing off.
Almost immediately, malevolent masked faces peered down at me. “Time
for another dose, Lieutenant. You are being most uncooperative. If you would
only-” Gloved hands reached out toward me.
“No! Please! No!” Cait and the Doc both jumped as I bolted up in bed
and then crashed back down, curling into a small ball. “No-no-more-please.
No-please. Stop.”
Cait cupped my face in her hands. “Tom! Tom, listen to me. You’re
safe now. You’re on Voyager. You’re only having a flashback.” She gently
turned my frightened face to her. “Tom, you’re safe.”
The Doctor administered another hypospray. The muscles in my body
tentatively relaxed and my eyelids drooped shut. I wanted so much to believe
her.

I woke up several hours, perhaps even days, later. I couldn’t be sure.
My internal clock was as screwed up as the rest of me. In the cell, you
couldn’t tell whether it was day or night, and frankly, I had other things on
my mind, like surviving the next round of questioning.
I didn’t feel quite as bad as I had earlier, but terrible is still
terrible, no matter how you quantify it. Raising my head a little, I could
make out a petite blond figure across the room.
“Kes.” My voice was little more than a hoarse croak.
She spun around and walked over, picking up a tricorder and hypospray
on the way. “How do you feel, Tom?”
“Like hell.” It hurt to talk. “Could I have some water?”.
“Of course. First, let me give you your medicine.” I heard the gentle
hiss of the hypospray before she stepped away. In two seconds, she was back,
lifting my head to a glass.
Taking three large sips, I sighed gratefully. “Thanks. I really
needed that.”
“Anytime.” She placed the glass on a nearby cart. “I’ll leave it here
in case you want more. Now, let’s see how you are doing.”
“Horrible. I can tell you that without a tricorder.”
“Actually, you’re much improved. Your system has been slowly purging
itself of the drug. The Doctor now believes that you’re over the worst part of
the withdrawal.”
“The worst?” Suddenly, I realized restraints held me securely to the
bed. Out of reflex, I shifted underneath them, testing their strength.
“Here.” Smiling, Kes released them. “You’re not a threat to your
safety right now. We hesitated to use them in light of what you had been
through, but the Doctor was afraid you might injure yourself.”
“Injure myself?”
“Yes. The drug they gave you had powerful after effects. You
experienced both delusional and convulsive fits. At one point, it was all
Caitlin, the Doctor, and I could do to restrain you. Do you remember any
of it?”
I shook my head. “Everything’s so cloudy. Cait was here? I seem to
remember seeing her, but I thought it was just another illusion. Oh, and the
Doctor saying something about-” I broke off. “Kes, have you seen them?”
She squeezed my shoulder and nodded.
Concern overrode any embarrassment I might have felt. “How-how bad?”
“Considering your condition when you came in, you’re quite lucky.
Honestly, Tom, they aren’t bad, and reproductive-wise, you’re fine.”
“I don’t care about that. How ugly are they? What do they look like?”
I shoved off the blanket and tried to sit up.
“Tom, please, lie down. You aren’t well enough; you need rest.”
“Shut up,” I growled, raising up on my elbow. One thing I could
remember vividly was seeing the wounds grow progressively worse each time the
rod was brought out. Just how mutilated had I been left?
“All right. All right. Let me adjust the bed.” She raised me into a
sitting position. “There.”
“Turn around,” I snapped. “It’s bad enough you’ve seen me already.”
After she complied, I hesitantly undid the waistband of the pajamas.
There they were. My breath caught in my throat.
“Ohh, Gods.” Refastening the pajamas, I shut my eyes and rolled away
from Kes.
“Tom?” Her hand touched my shoulder.
“Don’t touch me!” I drew my knees up to my chest, pulling the blanket
protectively over me. “Don’t touch me! Don’t look at me! Leave me alone!”
“You know we can’t do that, Tom. It’ll take time, but gradually you’ll
learn to accept them just as-”
“Accept them? I don’t want to accept them! Just, please leave me
alone.” Tears poured down my face. I couldn’t stop them. My life was over.
I heard the hiss of a hypospray, and my eyelids grew heavy. “We’ll
talk later, Tom.” I heard Kes say somewhere in the distance.

When I came to, Chakotay was at my bedside. “Did you come to gawk at
me, too?” I whispered harshly.
“No.”
“Then why are you here?”
“It was thought a male presence might have a less unsettling effect
when you woke, especially if you wanted to talk.”
“Talk?” I snorted. “What is there to talk about? I’m scarred for
life, Chakotay, in the worst possible place. All because some band of rebels
wanted information on Voyager.”
Shaking his head, he hopped up on the vacant bio-bed beside me. “It
wasn’t the rebels, Tom; it was the government. Their purpose of kidnapping one
of us was twofold. First, it served as an excuse for cracking down on rebel
sympathizers, and second, it was a way of gaining information on Voyager with
the idea of ultimately capturing her. According to the rebels who gave us the
Center’s plans, you gave the government very little useful information, which,
considering the extent of you injuries, is amazing. We’re all extremely proud
of you, Lieutenant.”
I grimaced. “Can’t say I feel the same way right now, Commander.”
“That’s understandable. I don’t expect you to, but I wanted you to
know how we felt, anyway. The Captain is entering another commendation into
your record; at this rate, you’ll have more medals than your father when we
get home.”
I closed my eyes. “My father. He’ll never believe his `son’ could
merit them.”
“At which point, you drop your pants and show him you’ve got the scars
to prove it. Whether you want them or not, they’re with you; so you might as
well use them to your advantage. Besides, think of his expression.”
He did have a point. I would enjoy seeing my father eat his words,
even at my emasculated expense. I chuckled mirthlessly. “Thanks, Chakotay.
I needed that.”
He smirked for a brief moment, then sobered. “Tom, I’m not going to
lie to you. You have a long, difficult path ahead, but we want you back at
conn. To that end, I’m offering my services as an unofficial counselor.
Personally, I know what it’s like to be imprisoned and tortured, thanks to both
the Cardassians and the Kazons. Luckily, I had my guide to help me through,
but even then, it has not been easy. You’re going to have to face your fears
and anger; you’re going to have to learn to trust others again; and most
importantly, you’re going to have to accept yourself for who you now are. It’s
not a road you can travel by yourself, Paris.”
My jaw tightened. “I’m not talking to some spirit guide, and as far as
your pity goes-”
“It’s not pity, Lieutenant, and I won’t introduce you to your guide
unless you ask me. We don’t have a counselor on board, and you are going to
need one. Now, if you don’t want it to be me for personal reasons, fine.
But you need someone you can talk to. I just thought since I had been through
similar experiences, it might make it easier. Besides, I still owe you,
poocuh, and I don’t intend to make the rest of this journey with that debt
hanging over my head.”
I looked over at him. Most of the bad-blood between us had dissipated
due to time and circumstances, but pride-wise, I still didn’t like it, not that
I had all that much pride left. “I guess I don’t have a choice, then, do I?”
“Not really, no. Especially, if you ever want to pilot Voyager again.”
“Pilot Voyager. Yeah, right. Okay, Dr. Freud, I’m all yours. Analyze
my dreams, but one word about wanting to kill my father, and the session is
over. I may resent the old bastard, but I don’t want to kill him.”
Chakotay chuckled. “What about sleeping with your mother?”
“Oh, very funny. That’s it. Session’s over.” I sat up angrily. I
wasn’t in the mood for mind games; I was screwed up enough as it was.
“At ease, Lieutenant. I was only testing the waters to see how much
fight you had left.”
“And did I come up to your expectations?” I sneered.
“Surpassed them. Kes is right; you are much stronger than you let on.
I’m already willing to bet you’ll be back at conn.” He smiled gently. “But
you’re right. That is enough for right now, unless you want to talk
some more.”
“Not at this time,” I growled.
“Fine. I brought you a few items from your room, including some PADDs
Caitlin said might help you pass the time. Speaking of the Lieutenant, she
wants to visit you. Would you mind if she stopped by?”
*Cait! Oh gods, why? We had just-* I shut my eyes tightly, trying to
squeeze out the memory of our last breakfast together.
“I’ll take that as a no.”
“Not now, Chakotay. I can’t. I don’t want to hurt her, but I can’t.”
I raised up on one elbow, pleading with her, as much as with the man in front
of me.
“It’s all right, Paris. She’ll understand. These things take time.
Don’t worry.” Firm hands pushed me back down.
“And the scars. I don’t want her-”
“I won’t mention them. Why don’t you rest a little?”
I nodded. “Yes sir.” *Oh gods, why? We had just started-* I closed
my eyes. It wasn’t fair. What was left for me now? Even conn didn’t provide
the answer to that question any more. A basket-case like me didn’t deserve
the position and sure as hell didn’t deserve Cait.
Sitting up, I looked around sickbay. I was alone. The cabinet
containing most of the potent drugs sat only a few meters away across the room.
I swung my legs over the side of the bed and stood up. My knees buckled
immediately, forcing me to cling to the bed for support. I was weak, but I
was determined. I’d get to that cabinet if I had to crawl. Never thought I’d
use my biochem studies this way, though.
Slowly, I shuffled my way across the room. The cabinet, of course, was
locked, but hey, that’s what prison is for. In less than a second, I had it
open. *Let’s see. Ditrictacine. Yeah, that should do the job.*
Carefully, I measured it into a vial. Too little, and I might not
succeed. Too much, and my body would promptly reject it, and I had had enough
pain lately. *There, that should be enough.* I slipped the vial into a
hypospray and raised it to my neck. *Okay, Thomas. On the count of three.
One . . . Two . . .*
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”
I spun around, the spray clattering to the floor. The Doctor stood
behind me.
“Besides, I believe it is customary to leave a note for your loved
ones.”
“Wha-? How? I didn’t activate you.”
“Indeed you did, when you broke into the cabinet. Soon after the
destruction of the Caretaker, I became concerned that a crew member might try
something foolish like this, so I programmed a silent alarm on the cabinet lock
to initiate my program whenever it was tampered with.” He stepped forward,
picking up the hypospray. “Hmmm. Quite a lethal dose, Lieutenant. You would
have succeeded, but only after a few very agonizing moments.”
I shook my head in disbelief. “I thought I had the proportion right.”
I muttered as much to myself as to the hologram.
“Not quite. Now, if you would-”
I slid slowly down the wall onto the floor. Wrapping my arms around my
knees, I began to slowly rock back and forth. “Can’t even kill yourself right.
Pretty stupid, Thomas.” Tears clouded my field of vision. “Stupid, worthless
piece of meat. No good. Useless.”
“Oh dear,” the Doctor sighed, tapping his commbadge. “Doctor to Kes.
Could you come to sickbay right away. I need your help.”
“On my way.”
“Lieutenant.” He crouched beside me. “Let’s get you back to bed, shall
we?”
I could hardly see him. “Just leave me alone, Doc. I don’t want your
help. I don’t deserve it. Just let me be.” I choked down a sob.
“I can’t do that, Mr. Paris. I have a reponsibility to uphold.”
“F*ck you! And f*ck your responsibility! Why didn’t you let me die?
I’m f*cking useless. So just leave me the f*ck alone!” My head sank down onto
my chest.
The doors to sickbay slid open as Kes entered. The Doctor rose to his
feet. “He tried to take his own life,” he whispered. “Luckily, my alarm
allowed me to prevent it; however, I though perhaps you might be better at
handling his current emotional condition.”
“I understand.” She knelt beside me, placing one hand on my knee.
“Tom?”
I raised my head. “So, he sent for you. Told you what I screwed up
doing this time. Stupid, huh? Pretty f*cking stupid. Just shows how useless
I am.”
“Tom, you are not useless. Right now, you are hurt and confused, but
you are not useless.” Her free hand stroked my cheek. “You need to give
yourself time to heal, physically and emotionally. You can’t give up on
yourself and your life so easily.”
“Why not? What the hell do I have to live for?”
“Well, let’s start with your field commission. You once told me flying
Voyager was a dream come true; surely that hasn’t changed?”
“Oh, yeah?” I snorted. “Who would let a basket-case like me near the
helm? Even if the Captain said yes, I wouldn’t accept.”
“All right. What about your godson? You promised to teach him how
to pilot a shuttle by his first birthday. Valaxis has been looking forward
to it.”
“Kes, anyone on board, including you, can teach him how to do that.
He doesn’t need me.”
“Well, what about Caitlin? Are you going to turn you back on what the
two of you could have?”
“Cait? Ahh, Cait, Cait, Cait.” I sniggered sardonically. “Why the
hell do you think I want to kill myself? I’ve lost it all, Kes. With one
swipe of Fate’s arm, I lost it all. Cait, conn, everything. There’s nothing
left for me; my life is meaningless now. Meaningless, worthless, useless.”
Fresh tears began to course down my face.
“Oh, Tom.” Kes cradled my head in her arms. “You are so mistaken.
We need you deparately. The ship, the crew, your friends. You’ve go to
believe that. If you would only give yourself a little time, you would see
that.” She wiped my face with a soft cloth. “Shh. It’ll be all right.
Time heals. You’ll see.”
I gazed up at her blurry image. “I don’t think I can wait, Kes. I’m
so tired of failing; I don’t have the strength to try anymore.”
“Nonsense. You do. I can feel it in you. It’s faint, but it will
grow if you allow it to. Now, let’s get you back to bed.” She smiled
supportively. “Time and rest will help you to see things in a different
light.”
I nodded weakly, and she and the Doctor helped me to my feet. As she
settled me back in the bed, I started feeling nauseous. “Could I have some
water, please?”
“Of course.” Kes poured out a fresh glass and held it out to me. My
hand shook so bad I almost spilt it.
“Tom, are you feeling agitated or nauseous?”
I nodded, taking a sip. “Just a little I-AH!” A sharp pain pierced
my gut, the glass tumbling to the floor as I doubled over. “Ohh gods, make it
stop. Please, make it stop.”
“There.” She pulled a hypospray back from my neck. “The pain should
cease shortly.”
In a second or two, my muscles relaxed. I took a deep breath and lay
down. “Thanks, Kes.”
“Don’t mention it.” She tucked the blanket around me. “I know you
don’t feel much like it now, but in a little while, would you care for some
broth? You do need to start eating again.”
“Maybe later. Kes, I’m so sorry. I was so rude to you earlier, and
now, I’ve-” Her image began to swim once again.
“Shh. It’s all right. You didn’t ask for this to happen to you. What
is important is getting you to take care of yourself and making sure you don’t
give up again. You’re the best pilot we have; we need you.”
“Yeah, sure you do,” I muttered despondently.
“We do. What do I have to do to convince you? Get the Captain
in here?”
“Maybe,” I retorted.
“Very well. I’ll talk to her personally. For now, though, I believe
you could do with some rest.” She dimmed the lights around the bed.
I gazed wearily at the ceiling. She was right. I was completely
drained. Rolling on my side, I gradually drifted off.

Impediments
Part 4

By Carly Hunter
copyright 1996

THE PARIS JOURNALS, vol. IV

A couple of hours later, I opened my eyes. The Captain stood by the
bed. “How are you doing, Tom?”
Still drowsy, I smirked. “I don’t think I really need to answer that
question, do I?”
She smiled compassionately. “Probably not. Tom, have I ever lied
to you?”
“No, Captain.” I swallowed hard. I owed her so much. I’d tried to
repay her the best way I could, but somehow, it never felt like it was enough.
“Then, if I tell you I need you back at conn, you’ll believe me.”
“Captain, I don’t think I can come back.”
She shook her head. “You can and you will, Lieutenant. Tom, ever
since we met, you’ve surprised me, showing more courage and strength than I
initially gave you credit for. You have saved Voyager on more than one
occasion, this last time almost at the cost of your own life. Star Fleet
never prepared us for some of the things we’ve encountered on this journey,
and we’ve all found ourselves at one time or another pushed beyond our limits.
But we’ve nevertheless hung together as a crew, each member vital to our
collective survival. This ship, this crew needs you, Tom. You’re the best
pilot we have. I can’t afford to lose you or your experience. Do you
understand what I’m saying?”
I silently returned her determined gaze. She knew what had happened.
Didn’t *she* understand that I was tired of seeing my hopes and dreams swept
away? I had rebuilt my life from a pile of imprisoned dust, and once more it
had been destroyed. I didn’t want to go through all that sh*t again and
watch it disintegrate a third time. I was too tired and too hurt; it was as
simple as that.
Shutting my eyes, I took a deep breath. “Captain, you’ve never lied
to me, and I won’t lie to you. I can’t promise I’ll be back at conn. I’m not
even sure I should be there; I’m not the same person I was. Please, Captain,
don’t make me promise something I might not be able to deliver. I don’t want
to let you down.”
“Lieutenant.” She squeezed my hand gently. “The only way you can let
me down is to give up on yourself. Promise me you won’t do that.”
*Thomas, you owe her.* “I’ll try not to, Captain. Honest.”
I wouldn’t cry, not in front of her, not this time.
“Good. I know you won’t. In the meantime, I want you to cooperate with
the Doctor and Kes, and to talk to Commander Chakotay or whomever, if you
prefer someone else.”
“No, I guess he’ll do.”
“Fine. I’ll come by as time permits, but don’t let my absence fool
you. I’ll be monitoring the Doctor’s progress reports daily.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I grinned slightly and gave her hand a tiny squeeze.
She smiled down at me once more before turning away. “Remember what
I said, Lieutenant. Kes, he’s all yours.”
“Thank you, Captain. I’m sure we won’t be having anymore trouble with
him.” Cool as a cucumber, Kes strolled up to the bedside. “You heard the
Captain. Now, how about a little soup?”

A noise in the darkened sickbay woke me. Sitting up, I looked
around. “Doc? Kes?” Hesitantly, I lay back down; maybe I had
imagined it. Nope. There it was again, definitely not my imagination.
“Who’s there? Computer, activate emergency medical holographic
program.’
No response.
“Compter, locate Kes. Computer, locate Capt. Janeway.”
Nothing.
Cautiously, I threw my legs over the side of the bed and stood
up. Even the warp engines were silent. I tiptoed over to the door and
stepped out into the corridor. No one was around. What the hell was
going on? I walked a little ways down the hall. “Computer, is anyone
on board?”
Silence.
Something was decidedly wrong. There was a weapons locker down
the corridor on my left, and making quick work of the lock, I armed
myself with a phaser. At least, it made me feel a little less
vulnerable; the hospital greens I had on sure didn’t.
I heard another sound down the hall. Shutting the locker door,
I crept silently along until I reached the bend. *One . . . Two . . .
Three!* I swung around and found myself pointing a phaser down an
empty passage.
Okay, that was it. I wasn’t about to start chasing phantoms
through the ship. I needed to get to the bridge; find out what was
happening. Crossing over to a turbolift, I waited for the doors to
open. When they did, two Langarian guards stood in front of me.
Before I could fire, they hit me with a stun setting.
When I opened my eyes, I was strapped naked to a biobed in
sickbay. A masked figure stepped forward out of the shadows. “You
have been most uncooperative, Lieutenant, and now you must pay.”
I saw the rod touch my penis and convulsed under the searing
pain. “AAUGH! No! Please! Help me! Somebody help me!”

“Tom! Tom! Wake up!” Small hands shook my shoulders. “You’re all
right!”
I opened my eyes and leapt from the bed, backing slowly away from Kes
and the Doctor.
“Tom, you’re all right. You had a nightmare, that’s all. You’re
safe.” Her voice was calm and re-assuring.
I stared at them for a minute before sinking to the ground. My whole
body was trembling form fear; I couldn’t stop it. I drew my knees under my
chin and began to rock slowly back and forth.
Kes knelt beside me, hugging my head to her chest. “It’s all right,
Tom. Everything’s going to be all right.”
“Oh gods, Kes. They were here, on Voyager. They brought me in here
and-” I couldn’t bring myself to finish.
“It was a nightmare, Tom. That’s all. You’ll probably have quite a
few after what you’ve been through, but that’s healthy. Your mind is beginning
to confront and deal with what’s happened on a subconscious level; it’s up to
you to continue it on the conscious level.” She smiled supportively. “Now,
let’s get you back to bed.”
Since I still felt a little shaky, I allowed her to help me to my feet.
When we had settled me back in the bed, she raised it into a seated position.
“It’s 0815. How about a little breakfast, maybe some toast and juice.”
She tried hard to sound upbeat.
“Yeah, whatever.” After my most recent experience, I wasn’t really in
the mood to eat.
Well, three glasses of juice and, I’m ashamed to say it, six pieces of
toast later, I finally sat back in relative contentment. Kes shot me a knowing
glance as she picked up the tray. “Finished?”
“Yes, and you needn’t be so smug. That is, after all, the first solid
food I’ve had in a while.”
“I know. I’m just glad you ate. You seemed so disinterested when I
set it before you, that I was afraid you’d only pick at it.”
“To be honest, that’s all I felt like doing, but once I bit in, it
tasted so good I couldn’t stop myself.” I smiled sheepishly.
Her pretty blue eyes lit up. “Good! You’ll be back on your feet in
no time. Now, can I get you something else?”
Emboldened by the food, I reached for one of the PADDs Chakotay had
brought. “Nah, I think I’ll just read a little.”
“Fine. I’ll be right over here if you need something.”
About an hour later, I had another bout of the shakes. They weren’t as
bad as before, and the Doc administered my usual dose of withdrawal medication.
He thinks my system should be recovered by tomorrow evening. I hope he’s
right; it would be a relief to have one less problem to face.
Chakotay stopped by at 1045 hours for our first `session’. I wasn’t
exactly sure what to expect, and I was real hesitant about discussing what
precisely I could remember. He didn’t push me, though. He began by telling me
of his experiences and those of other people he knew. How they coped or didn’t
cope, in some cases. Basically, he tried to let me know that I wasn’t alone,
and that whenever I was ready to talk, he would be there.
Our one-sided discussion ended around 1200 hours when Kes brought in my
lunch, two PBJs and a tall glass of milk. Her son, my godson, Valaxis had used
his own replicator rations to make them for me. He had even wanted to deliver
them himself, but she had convinced him otherwise.
The sandwiches were great, bringing a huge smile to my face as always.
Afterwards, I read a little and napped. I guess I was slowly getting better;
I was becoming bored.

The next day passed with only a brief period of trembling, but there
was no pain, no nausea, only agitation. The Doc let me ride it out without any
medication. It wasn’t much fun, but in the end, I felt like I had accomplished
something. By dinnertime, I even felt relatively normal, polishing off my
supper without hesitation before turning in. I hoped I would be able to leave
sickbay soon. I was really getting sick of seeing the Doc, and I think he felt
the same way about me.

A hand on my shoulder woke me the following morning. “Good morning,
sleepyhead. How was your night?” Cait’s cheerful voice tried to cajole me
into a good mood.
“Not too bad, apart from one or two nightmares.”
“You look better. Chakotay said you might not mind me visiting,
especially if I brought good news.”
“Like what?” I frowned, in spite of what `my therapist’ thought, her
presence set me on edge. I didn’t want her seeing me like this. It was bad
enough she had seen me when I was brought on board.
Her green eyes twinkled mischievously. “Oooh, like, how would you like
to get out of here? The Doctor told the Captain you might be able to return to
your quarters now that the withdrawal symptoms have eased.”
Brightening, I sat up quickly. “Great. Hand me my robe, will ya?
Thanks. Computer, activate the emergency medical holographic program. Hey,
Doc. I’m ready to get out of here.”
“Hmm. We’ll just have to see if you are indeed, ready.” He frowned
at the bed’s readings. “According to this report, you were quite restless
last night. Elevated heart rate, increased brain activity. . .”
“Yeah, well, I had a few nightmares.”
“I see.” The hologram paused in thought. “Do you intend to continue
your couselling with Commander Chakotay?”
“Oh, yeah, sure.” My eyes darted around nervously, avoiding Cait.
*Here I am, darling, your ever-loving basket-case. Sure, Thomas, just what
every woman wants.*
“Well, then I see no reason why you shouldn’t leave. However, if the
dreams worsen or if any of the other symptoms return, contact me immediately.
Is that clear, Lieutenant?”
“Crystal, Doc. Thanks.” I hopped off the bed. “Let’s go, Cait.”
As soon as we stepped outside into the corridor, though, I almost
turned around. My room was only one deck down, but I had forgotten about the
stares of the other crew members, each one probably wondering where the
scars were.
Cait noticed my hesitation and placed a concerned hand on my arm.
“Tom, are you up to this? I mean, if one more day in sickbay would help-”
“Nah.” I shook my head. “Sickbay can’t help me with this. I’ve got
to do this myself.”
“Do what?”
“Face the crew. Walk these corridors. I can’t spend my life in sick-
bay or in my quarters for that matter.” I trudged off toward the lift.
Cait matched my stride. “Tom, the crew is behind you one hundred
percent. Many couldn’t have survived what you did, much less without breaking.
You have no reason to fear them.”
“I don’t actually fear them, Cait. I’m just embarrassed. I feel like
every time I see someone the same thought will immediately come to their mind.
`Poor Tom Paris, scarred for life.’ I don’t want to be pitied, dammit.”
“I don’t think the crew is the problem, Tom. The scars are, and you’re
going to have to deal with them.” She observed as we entered the lift. “Deck
6. They aren’t that bad, honestly. Considering what you went through they
could have been a lot worse.”
My jaw dropped. “You-you’ve seen them?”
She nodded. “Who do you think helped clean you up when you first came
on board? I have done triage work in the past after all.”
“I can’t believe you saw them,” I whispered, shrinking back.
“Tom.” She took my hand in hers. “You look fine. In a few years, one
or two of them will have faded almost completely away. As far as the main one,
I think-”
“Shut up!” I jerked my hand away. “Just shut up! I don’t want to
talk about it!” The lift doors opened, allowing me to bolt out.
“Tom!” Cait chased after me, catching up at my door. “I’m sorry.
I didn’t mean to upset you. I thought-”
I keyed open the door and hauled her roughly inside, shutting it behind
us. “Computer, lights. What did you think, Matthews? Did you think I’d like
to discuss my mutilated anatomy with my ex-lover? Perhaps I should drop my
pajamas right now so you can show me exactly which scars you were referring to?
Would you like that? Hmmm?”
“Tom, listen to me. I wasn’t trying to upset you. I was trying to
help. You’ve got to talk about this to someone.”
“I do. With Chakotay, but you aren’t he, are you? Now, would you
please leave? I’d like to shower and put on some clothes other than pajamas.
Or perhaps you’d like to stay and watch?” I sneered. I felt so betrayed;
I hadn’t wanted her to see them. Not now. Not ever.
Cait opened her mouth to retort, but promptly shut it. Her eyes
dropped to the floor. “I’m only trying to be your friend, Tom. I’m sorry I
upset you. I’ll leave now.” Before I could stop her, she darted out of the
room.
What the hell was I doing? She didn’t deserve any of what I had just
said. But how could anyone understand what I was going through? How could
they understand how butchered I felt? How every time I went to the bathroom,
took a shower, got dressed, or, oh gods, made love, I would be reminded of what
I had gone through. How helpless I had been. How powerless.
“Ahh, damn.” Sighing deeply, I pulled a shirt, some trousers, and a
pair of briefs out of a drawer and turned toward the bathroom. I froze.
I didn’t want to see myself; I didn’t want to touch myself. I considered
briefly showering in the dark, but it wouldn’t make a difference. I still knew
where they were. I could still see them in my mind, feel the pain and
humiliation each one represented.
“What the hell am I going to do?” Slowly, I sank to the floor, tucking
my knees under my chin. I just sat there staring at the door. Minutes passed,
maybe even an hour. *Face it, Thomas. You are a basket-case.*
I gave myself a little shake. “No. Just don’t look at them. Just
hop in and out. Piece of cake.” *Yeah, sure, piece of cake.*
Standing, I quickly stripped off and strode into the bathroom. *In and
out before you lose your courage, Thomas.* Once I was in the room, though,
some sick perversion beckoned me over to the mirror. I shut my eyes. Maybe it
had all been a bad dream. Maybe there weren’t any scars. Cautiously, I
opened my eyes.
“DAMN!” My fist smashed against the mirror. “Why? Why me?”
Eight of them altogether. Two on my left thigh, three on my right, two
on my stomach and one running the length of my penis. I stared at them, their
reflections burning into my mind. And Cait had seen them. My stomach lurched.
I leaned over the basin and threw up. *Oh gods, why couldn’t they have killed
me?*
Somehow I managed to drag myself into the shower and got dressed. But
I didn’t go anywhere. I simply locked my door and curled up on my bed and
cried. *Just like home.* I thought as I finally drifted off into an
exhausted sleep.

Impediments
Part 5

By Carly Hunter
copyright 1996

THE PARIS JOURNALS, vol. IV

I didn’t hear the chime at first. It must have been on its third
chorus before I finally became conscious enough to know what it was. I leapt
up quietly, flattening myself against the wall by the door. They weren’t going
to catch me off-guard this time. “Who’s there?”
“It’s Chakotay. Paris, are you okay?”
“Yeah.” I let out a long sigh of relief and pressed the door release.
“What can I do for you, Commander?”
“Are you sure you’re all right, Lieutenant? You don’t look that way
to me. Have you had a recurrence of withdrawal?”
I shook my head. “No, I was only sleeping. You woke me, that’s all.”
“Mmm.” He gazed at me uncertainly, like he didn’t fully buy my story.
“I stopped by because it’s time for our daily meeting. Now, we can start today
with something simple or perhaps something a little more complicated, such as
why you’ve been crying.”
My mouth fell open. “How did you know?”
“Does it really matter? The important thing is you have been, which
is good. I’d rather see you express the emotions, than bottle them up. So,
why don’t we go catch an early lunch and just talk? Hmm?”
“Um, yeah. Okay.” I ran a hand through my hair. Geez, it was messed
up. “Wait a minute, will ya, Chakotay?”
I ducked into the bathroom. I looked like hell. My eyes were red and
my hair shot out in about seven different directions. No wonder he had guessed
that I had been crying. I tamed my hair and splashed some water on my face.
“You said lunch,” I called out. “What time is it?”
“1130 hours.”
“Oh.” I came out of the bath patting my face dry. “Look, Chakotay.
There’s something you should know. I, um, kinda blew up at Cait when she
brought me here. I said some things I shouldn’t have.”
The Commander nodded. “Caitlin already told me what happened. She
doesn’t blame you; if anything, she feels guilty for upsetting you.” He
clapped me on the shoulder. “Don’t worry about it, Paris; forgive and forget.
Now, let’s go get some food, all right?”
“Yes sir,” I replied as upbeat as I could. Inwardly, however, I
cringed at the thought of going to the mess. The stares. The whispers.
*C’mon, Thomas, you used to be tough. Yeah, sure, until now.*
But I made it through lunch and even shot some pool by myself on the
holodeck in the afternoon. At dinner, I again sat with Chakotay so we could
talk and because I didn’t fell comfortable sitting with anyone else, an idea
which struck me as hilariously funny. Him. Of all people.
Almost immediately after dinner, I turned in. I was pretty exhausted.
My first day out of sickbay had been draining, in spite of how boring the
afternoon was. I set the alarm for 0700. In sickbay, I had been sleeping
pretty much whenever I wanted to, but now that I was out, it seemed best to get
back into my old routine. Maybe if I felt up to it, I’d even join my friends
at breakfast. Apart from my blow-up with Cait, they had really been good about
keeping their distance, and according to Chakotay, they were waiting for me to
give the all-clear signal. Besides, I owed Cait an apology.
Settling in between the sheets, I stretched and yawned. If I had any
nightmares, perhaps they would at least do me the courtesy of coming early
so I could get a decent night’s sleep.

. . . The dark figure stepped forward, lifting the rod.
“You have been most un-cooperative, Lieutenant.”
“No! Please! Oh gods, somebody help me!”

Strong hands grabbed my wrists, pulling me up and giving me a little
shake. “C’mon, Paris! Wake up! You’re safe. No one’s going to get you.
You’re all right.”
My eyes opened onto Chakotay’s concerned face. Involuntarily, I fell
forward into his arms, shaking in terror.
“Shh. It’s okay, Lieutenant. It was only a dream.” He held my
trembling body, barely rocking it as though I was a child. “Shh. You’re safe
now, Paris. It’s okay.”
After a few seconds, I raised my head. Gradually gathering my wits, I
pulled away. “What are you doing here?”
“I was passing by and heard you scream. So I-”
“So you came charging to my rescue like any good knight in shining
armour.” I finished with a lopsided grin, desperately trying to hide my
embarrassment over the preceding moments.
He chuckled. “Well, sort of. None of my ancestors wore armour,
however, that’s more your family history.”
“Okay, how about streaking across the plains on a palamino?”
“Closer, but still not quite right. Try charging through the dense
growth of a Central American forest.”
I cocked my head thoughtfully to one side. “Nope, don’t see it.
‘Fraid you’ll have to settle for the palamino.”
“Whatever. The important thing is you. Are you okay?” The dark eyes
studied me intently.
“Yeah, yeah. I’m okay. Just still a bit edgy, you know, from the
nightmare.”
“Understandable. Do you want to talk about it.”
“No. No point. It was the same as before; the guards, the dark
figure, etc. Honestly, I’m fine. All I really want is a good night’s sleep.”
“Then, how about I sit here and tell you a story or two. That’s what
my grandmother use to do for me when I had nightmares as a child.”
“That’s me,” I shot back flippantly. “A little kid.”
He frowned. “I didn’t mean it that way, Paris.”
“It’s okay, Commander. I guess I wouldn’t mind hearing a good story.
At this point, I’ll try almost anything to get some sleep.”
Chakotay smiled gently. “All right, then, get comfortable and close
your eyes. A long time ago, before the two-legged roamed the land, the animals
lived very different lives from the ones they do today. They could speak to
one another, and predator and prey lived side-by-side in harmony. One fine
spring day, Old Beaver emerged from his dam. He had been stuck in there all
winter with his wife and their five children . . .” The Commander’s low voice
faded slowly away as I drifted off.

“Oh gods. Yes.” I closed my eyes.
A warm, moist tongue flicked along the underside of my jaw, and
I let out a low moan of delight. The same tongue licked its way up
to teasingly circle the outer edge of my ear.
My hands roamed all over the soft, decidedly female body which
lay on top of me. “Tom,” Cait whispered, quivering beneath my touch.
“Please make love to me.”
The whisper, the warm breath, the promise of sexual
fulfillment; it was all too much. “Ohhh gods, Cait.” I murmured,
opening my eyes to a malevolent shrouded head.

“Wha-?” I shot up in bed, trembling like a leaf, an erection still
very much present between my legs. “Oh gods. Oh gods.” I mumbled rocking
back and forth. “What the hell is going on?”
“Paris?” Chakotay sat up on the sofa. “Are you all right?” He
quickly crossed the room and perched on the edge of my bed. “Was it the same
dream again?”
I shrank back. “Wha-what are you still doing here?”
“After you dropped off to sleep, I thought I’d wait around to make sure
you were okay, and I, ah, sort of fell asleep on the job.” He flashed me an
embarrassed grin. “However, that’s inconsequential. How are you doing?”
A brown hand reached out toward my quivering body.
“Don’t touch me!” I screeched, retreating further away.
The Commander’s jaw dropped momentarily. “All right, Tom, all right.
I won’t touch you. Just tell me what the dream was about. Don’t keep it
to yourself.”
“I-I can’t do that.”
“Okay, we’ll take this one step at a time.”
My chin thrust out defiantly. “No, we won’t, because I won’t tell you
and you will not coax it out of me. Now, please leave me alone. I appreciate
you staying here, but all I want is to be left alone.”
Chakotay eyed me curiously. “Okay, Paris. Have it your way. When you
want to talk, you know where to find me.” He rose and made his way to the door
pausing for one last puzzled glance before exiting.
I sat there for a moment, gazing into space. *Why? Why did it have to
be her? I love her.* Groaning, I stretched out on my back and stared at the
ceiling. I could almost feel her weight pressing down upon me, hear the
whispered request. *`Tom. . .please make love to me.’* The effect was the
same. I raised my head and glared down at the stiff organ beneath the folds
of my pajamas.
*Oh gods.* My hand slipped down and grasped the head, gradually
beginning its familiar, jerking rhythm. Under my fingers, I felt the long scar
and grimaced. In some ways, I wished the wounds had been worse, permanently
removing my body’s ability for its current reaction.

The alarm went off at 0700, and I hauled myself slowly out of the bed.
*Come on, Thomas. Have to get back into the routine.*
The hot water felt good as I sagged against the wall in the shower. No
doubt about it; the first thing I had to do was apologize to Chakotay.
It wasn’t his fault I had the dream, and yet, I had kicked him out of
my quarters. *Not good, Thomas. Not good.*
Twenty minutes later, showered, shaved and dressed in a uniform, I
entered the mess and made straight for Chakotay’s table. “May I sit down?”
The Commander glanced up in surprise. “Of course. What’s with the
uniform?”
“I realize it may be a little soon, but I wanted to talk to the Captain
about resuming some duties. Sitting around all day is starting to drive me
crazy, and I figured I was unhinged enough as it is.” I flashed him a half-
hearted grin. “However, I wanted to talk to you first, to apologize for how
I behaved.” I lowered my voice. “My dreams simply took a bizarre turn last
night that I wasn’t prepared for, and I just wanted to say I was sorry for
throwing you out. You’ve been very supportive these past couple of days. I
had no right to lash out.”
“You don’t have to apologize, Paris. I actually expected such an
outburt days ago, and when it didn’t come, I let my guard down. So you took
me by surprise, too.” He smiled. “Tom, you’ve held up remarkably well to have
gone through what you did. You are entitled to the occasional outburst.”
I wagged my head. “I’m not so sure about that. It seems like I go
fetal pretty much like clock work.’
Chakotay regarded my silently. “You demand a lot from yourself, you
know; in this case, maybe too much.”
“Reflex action. Sorry. My father was never happy with anything less
than perfection from his golden offspring. Of course, most of the time, I
failed to deliver.”
“Fathers,” he snorted. “Remind me to tell you sometime about mine.
Paris, I would be a lot more worried if you didn’t `go fetal’, as you call it.
You’re expressing emotions that need to be released. If you kept them bottled
up, you might be fine for a while and then one day POW!” He snapped his
fingers. “You’d break like a dry twig, and neither I, nor the Captain wants to
see that happen.”
He paused and swept his eyes around the room. “We can’t afford
to lose any more crewmembers, Tom, but as for returning to duty, I’m not sure
either the Doctor or the Captain will allow it just yet.” He cocked his head
to one side and studied me. “However, against my better judgement, I’ll weigh
in with the opinion that some light duty might be beneficial.”
“Thanks, Commander. I’d really appreciate that. I’m going stir-crazy
otherwise.” The enthusiastic grin froze on my face; I had to get out of
there.
He looked at me curiously before glancing over his shoulder. Cait had
just walked in, and I’m sure he put two and two together. “Ahem. Is there
anything else I can do for you, Lieutenant?”
“No sir. I think that’s all. I’d better go see the Captain now and
catch my breakfast later.” I rose quickly and hurried out of the mess. On the
heels of last night, I couldn’t face Cait. Although, sooner or later, I knew
I would have to.

“But doesn’t it anger you?” I sat forward on the sofa gazing intently
at Chakotay. It was my third night out of sickbay, and we had returned to my
quarters after dinner for another `session’. “Doesn’t what Seska did bother
you? I mean, legally, it was genetic rape.”
“Hell, yes, it bothers me, Paris. Somewhere out there is a child with
half of my genetic code that I will probably never know.” He leaned back. “I
also didn’t appreciate the gleefully public way she informed me. But what
really concerns me is that the child is growing up in a society he doesn’t
belong to; he’s growing up totally ignorant of a part of himself, my part.”
The Indian grimaced. “Like many career officers, I never gave much
consideration to children. I always thought if I met someone, fine; if I
didn’t, there was always my career. Then, my father died fighting the
Cardassians, and I suddenly realized how important my tribe and heritage were
to me and how sorry I was I had never told him that.
“You see, he never wanted me to join Star Fleet. He thought I was
turning my back on him and on our people. He called me a contrary and refused
to give me his blessing. But he also said I would come home one day. I just
never dreamed that when I did there would be so little left.” Chakotay let out
a long sigh. “So, each year on the anniversary of his death, I’ve tried to
contact his spirit to tell him that I now understand what he attempted to teach
me as a child.”
“Any luck?” I smirked.
“No,” he smiled dejectedly. “But as a result of what happened, family
and children are no longer something I dismiss lightly and to have Seska use
a child of mine as a pawn disturbs me greatly. Which is, of course, why she
did it in the first place.” The Commander shook his head. “Enough about me
however. What about you? It wasn’t all that long ago rumors were flying
about the ship that you and Caitlin were thinking of starting a family.”
I took a deep breath. “Partially correct. I was the one pushing for
marriage and kids; she was the one resisting. Strange, huh?” I chuckled
mirthlessly. “And then, we broke up; well, you now that little story.
I didn’t give up, though. I figured that maybe with time and luck, we might
have another chance, and after Rowan, I was convinced of it. But I guess none
of that matters now, does it?”
“Why?”
“Why? Why do you think? For gods’ sake, Chakotay, I can barely look
at the scars, much less, touch them myself. Do you think I’m going to ask
someone else to?”
“Tom, you can’t let the scars put you happiness on hold. Don’t push
yourself, but eventually, you are going to have to make that leap of faith.
If you don’t, bitterness and anger will consume you.” He paused for a moment
in thought. “Or is there more to it than that? The dream you had the other
night perhaps?”
“Your guide tell you that?” I flashed back sarcastically; I didn’t
want to discuss that dream with him. Hell, I didn’t even want to think
about it.
“No, you did. In the mess the next morning and right then. Whenever
you try to be callous, I know I’m close to the mark. Caitlin showed up in your
nightmare, didn’t she?”
*No use, Thomas. The cat’s out of the bag.* My gaze dropped to the
floor. “Sort of, but it was a different dream. In it, I had my eyes closed,
but I could hear and, um, feel her. And yet, when my eyes opened, all
I saw was the shrouded figure.” I glanced back up at the Commander. “I can’t
understand it. Why would I equate her with him?”
“Perhaps because you feel threatened by her, as well.”
I wagged my head vigorously. “No, that can’t be it. Why would I?
She wouldn’t hurt me like that. I know she wouldn’t.”
“Then, why did you react to her the way you did the other day? It’s
not the scars, Paris; it’s what they represent. A time when you were powerless
to prevent what was happening to you. A time when almost all of your defenses
were stripped away and you were vulnerable. If you could, you would even hide
the scars from yourself. And the one person on this ship you wanted to appear
strong for has seen how fragile you can be. Whether friend or foe, when a
weakness is exposed, the psyche perceived it as a threat.”
My eyes narrowed slightly. “Is that what you said to Cait when she
told you how angry I got?”
“I said nothing of the kind. I merely suggested that she continue to
give you some breathing room. That when you were ready, you’d let her back in.
And then, I reminded her of how unapproachable she can still be. It got my
point across.”
Momentarily absorbed, I sat back. “She’s had a rough life, Chakotay.
She doesn’t even have one family member waiting for her back home. I do at
least have that, in spite of the fact we aren’t exactly on speaking terms.”
“Mmm-hmm. To be blunt, Paris, you would be only one more in a long
series of people that she’s lost. I believe in some ways she may need you more
than you realize, even if it’s just as a friend.”
We sat silently for a few seconds before I yawned out loud. “Well, as
usual, Chakotay, you’ve given me a lot to think about, and I’m not being
flippant. You really have helped me over these past few days. Honest. I’m
not sure I would have made it this far without you.”
“I’m glad I can help.” He rose to his feet, grinning. “Frankly, I was
a little nervous myself about how you might approach these `sessions’ of ours,
but I have been very pleased with the results.”
“Yeah, me too. I guess my life means a little bit more to me than I
first thought.”
Nodding in agreement, he moved toward the door. “Good night,
Lieutenant. Breakfast tomorrow?”
“0730, Commander?”
Nodding once again, he left. I stared up at the ceiling. Yeah, he
had given me a lot to think about.

It still took me two more days before I felt comfortable with the idea
of sitting with my friends, especially Cait. In the meantime, though,
Captain Janeway granted me relief duties on the bridge. Basically, I took
Bathart’s place whenever she needed a break. Everyone, including me, was a
little anxious when I first sat back down at conn, but I didn’t freak out, and
the ship experienced no major catastrophes, luckily.
By the end of my shift on the third day, I took a deep breath and
followed Harry into the lift as he came off duty. He flashed me a hesitant
smile but didn’t say anything.
I grinned back before allowing my gaze to drop momentarily to the
floor. “So, ah, how have you been doing?”
“Not too bad. Yourself?” He instantly turned pink, afraid he’d asked
the wrong question.
I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Oh, I’ve been worse. Listen, I want to
thank you guys for keeping your distance; up ’til lately, I haven’t exactly
been the best company.”
“Sure. We wanted to visit you in sickbay, but the Commander
discouraged it. He said you needed time to get your bearings, that when you
were ready, you’d let us know.”
“Well, then, I guess I’m letting you know now. I can’t say I’m as
good company as I used to be, but if you don’t mind, I’d like to join the
three of you for dinner.”
He snickered. “Paris, when were you ever good company?”
“Ooh, I don’t know. When I got you ripped on your last birthday, I
seem to recall you putting your arm around me and swearing it was the best
party you had ever had.”
“And the worst hangover I’d ever experienced the next day.” He stared
at me for a while, tongue-tied. I thought for a minute he might cry. Instead,
he swallowed hard and clapped me on the shoulder. “It’s good to have you back,
old man. The ship just isn’t the same without you.”
“It’s good to be back, Harry.” I felt a lump rise in my own throat.
“I owe you one.”
He shook his head and grinned. “Nah, we’re even. Remember, you gave
up your life getting me back into the time stream.”
I stroked my chin thoughfully. “I had forgotten about that. I guess
we are even.”
His smile broadened, as the lift doors opened. “1900 hours in the
mess. Don’t be late,” he joked as I stepped out.
“I won’t.” *Well now, Thomas. That wasn’t so hard was it?*

Dinner, on the other hand, was a little bit tougher with both B’Elanna
and Cait being quieter than usual. I half-expected it from B’Elanna, but not
Cait. Perhaps she was afraid she might upset me again. Whatever the reason,
it made me more determined than ever to apologize for my behavior the day I
left sickbay. Chakotay said she understood, but it still bothered me that I
had yelled at her like that. As far as the dream went, well, she wasn’t the
enemy, and whatever irrational fear had placed her on the same level as my
torturers had to be faced and proven wrong.
So, after spending an hour or so in my quarters trying to come up with
the right words, I finally pressed the chime to Cait’s room. No answer. I
pressed it again.
“Come in.”
I stepped in and looked around. Nothing. “Cait?”
“I’m in the bathroom. Is that you, Paris?”
“Yeah, it’s me. Look, if you’re busy, I can come back later.”
“No, no. I’ll be right out. I just need to dry off.”
I sniffed the air. Mint, lemon, and if I wasn’t mistaken, a little
thyme. “Taking one of your baths?”
“Mmm-hmm.”
The past tore at my heart as I recalled how much she used to love her
baths when we were together. Because of Voyager’s limited resources, she only
took them on special occasions or if she was really stressed. Most of the
time, I drew them for her; she used to say I got the temperature just right.
Sometimes, I even joined her. Playing with bubbles or splashing each other,
we almost always ended up cuddling and making love. Groaning silently, I
plopped down on her sofa and tried to push aside the painful memories.
In a few minutes, Cait emerged from the bathroom, her skin aglow. She
had on a familiar dark green silk gown and matching robe. She always did look
good in it, and tonight was no exception. She sat down about half a meter
away from me on the sofa, tucking her feet underneath her.
“And just what can I do for you, Lieutenant?”
Ah, the response I would’ve given that loaded question a few weeks ago.
Instead, I took a deep breath. “I wanted to apologize to you for the way I’ve
acted. I know you’ll say it’s forgiveable considering what happened to me, but
I want to apologize anyway. Cait, I’m sorry I yelled at you, and I’m sorry
I’ve been avoiding you.”
A warm smile lit up her face. “Apology accepted.”
“Good. Well, I’ll be off.” I jumped a bit too eagerly to my feet.
“Before you go, could you answer me one thing?”
Sighing heavily, I sat back down. “I’ll try.”
“Why have you been avoiding me? I get the feeling my seeing the scars
was only part of the reason.”
My eyes dropped to the floor. “I don’t know if I can explain it. Over
the past two weeks, I’ve been so angry and afraid; there’s a part of me that
only wanted to curl up in a corner and hide. You’ve got to understand, nothing
had prepared me for this experience. I’ve never felt so helpless, so violated
in my life, and every night, my nightmares bring all those feelings roaring
back. Sometimes it takes every ounce of strength I have to pull myself out of
bed and face a new day.”
“Tom,” Cait leaned over and placed a sympathetic hand on my arm. “I
know how you feel. I felt the same way once, too, many years ago.”
My hand closed over hers, giving it a squeeze. Yeah, she knew.
I could remember when she first told me about the rape. In many ways, she
probably understood my feelings better than Chakotay, and yet, here she sat so
strong, so unwilling to be defeated, while I cowered in tears in my room.
My mouth tightened in shame, and my arm stiffened.
“I’m sorry.” She drew back, making me feel worse.
I shook my head. “You have no reason to be. You haven’t done
anything. It’s my fault.”
“I don’t understand.” Confusion was etched across her face.
“You are so strong, Cait. Sometimes, I feel very weak when I’m around
you, like you don’t even deserve me as a friend.”
“Tom, that’s not true, and you know it.” Her eyes filled with a
mixture of concern and pity.
“Don’t look at me like that. I don’t want your pity. You’re the kind
of person my father always wanted as a son. Instead, he got me.”
Her hand touched my cheek, and I jerked away as if her flesh burned.
She lowered her eyes and her hand dropped into her lap.
“Do you really think I’m so strong?” she whispered. “I hide my
weaknesses, Tom, tuck them away so no one can ever know them or use them. You
are just the opposite. You hide your strength, even from yourself. You’ve
endured so much, and yet, you have survived as a guarded, but caring human
being. I couldn’t do that.
“When I came on Voyager, I had become a very hard and bitter
individual. I was angry; I wouldn’t let people get close to me, and I made
very few friends, even among the Maquis. Voyager, and especially you, changed
all that.” She glanced up with tears in her eyes. “Tom, in spite of all that
has happened between us, you have made me happy. You’ve reminded me how
wonderful it can be to love someone and have that love returned.”
Her voice waivered off. She reached up and touched my cheek again.
This time I didn’t pull away. “You got under my skin, Thomas Eugene Paris.”
I grinned ruefully. “I’ve been told I’m pretty good at that.”
Cait giggled as two tears ran down each cheek. Quickly, she brushed
them away. “See, I’m not so tough. In fact, I’m pretty weak when it comes
to you. You are my closest friend, Tom. I care about you a great deal.”
I stared at her. It had come to this; she all but admitted she loved
me, now, when I wouldn’t touch her. My heart pounded in my chest. *Cait, why
did you wait?* Shutting my eyes, I leaned forward and covered my face with
my hands.
Her arm wrapped around my shoulders. “Tom? Tom, please don’t cry.
I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m so sorry. Please-”
I sat back, wiping my eyes. “Cait, it’s okay. Just another one of
life’s twisted ironies. Ohh, gods,” I moaned, gazing up at the ceiling.
Suddenly, she stradled my lap. Taking my face in her hands, she began
kissing me slowly, gently coaxing from me the response I wanted so desperately
to give, and yet, not give. Her tongue traced the outline of my mouth with
a practiced tenderness until I consented, tentatively parting my lips. We
kissed deeply, our passion increasing as we hungrily explored each other’s
mouth.
Unfastening my jumpsuit, she raised the shirt underneath, her fingers
lightly stroking the hair on my chest. Blood thundered in my ears; my pulse
raced, easily outdistancing any coherent line of thought. Oh gods, I wanted
her, but I was scared. It was all happening so fast. I couldn’t go through
with it. “No, Cait.”
“Tom, please make love to me,” she begged softly in my ear.
I almost gave in, but her choice of words brought the nightmare back
in full force. “No, Cait. Please.”
“Why not?” Her breath tickled my cheek. “Don’t you still find me
attractive?”
“Attractive?” Oh gods, if she only knew. Grabbing her wrists, I held
her at bay. “Cait, please. Stop.”
“Tom-”
“Cait, please.” Then, a horrible thought struck me. “Have you been
speaking to Chakotay?”
“About what?”
I threw her off my lap onto the sofa. “You have, haven’t you? Was
this little scene your idea or his?” Standing up, I hastily tucked in my
shirt and refastened my jumpsuit.
“What are you talking about? Tom, if I pushed you too far, I’m sorry.
If you don’t want to, we don’t have to. I just thought-”
“You just thought what? A little therapy the Commander doesn’t provide
would be in order?” I leaned over her menacingly. “Just who was it you had
to fantasize about while you administered your treatment?”
Her mouth fell open, the green eyes widening with fear. “Tom, please.
I didn’t mean to upset you, and I wasn’t acting or fantasizing. I wouldn’t do
that to you.”
Oh, really?” I sneered, straightening up. “Then, I apologize for
misjudging you so. Sorry, Doc, but this patient is walking out of here,
right now.”
I practically dashed for the door and didn’t stop running until I
reached my own room. Throwing myself on the bed, I stared up at the ceiling.
How could she? How could he? I had trusted both of them.
“Ohh, gods.” I had wanted her so much, for so long; I had almost . . .
Shutting my eyes, I squeezed out a tear of anger and frustration. And what if
I had, what would things have been like in the morning? So long, Mr. Paris,
you’re cured? Or would she have tried to put a good face on it and actually
stayed with me a few weeks? *Oh well, it doesn’t matter now, does it, Thomas?*

Impediments
Part 6

By Carly Hunter
copyright 1996

THE PARIS JOURNALS, vol. IV

The door chime woke me the next morning. *SH*T!* I bolted out of bed
in a panic. *Easy, Thomas. You’re on Voyager, remember.* Stumbling to the
door, I pressed the release.
“Commander,” I mumbled, collapsing on the couch.
He gazed at me with concern. “Paris, are you all right? If necessary,
I’ll arrange for you to have the day off.”
“No, I’m okay. I just woke up, that’s all. A shower, a little
breakfast, and I’ll be fine.”
“Unh-hunh.” He didn’t sound convinced. “Caitlin came to see me early
this morning.’
*DAMN!*
“She was quite worried about you. Afraid she had upset you too much.
She was also afraid you thought I was involved.”
I frowned at him. “Weren’t you?”
“No, Paris, whatever you say to me in confidence remains that way.
I would not divulge it to anyone, including Caitlin. If I did, I would lose
her trust, as well. Besides, seduction is the last thing I would have
recommended. When you’re ready, you’re ready. I firmly believe pushing things
at this stage would do you more harm than good.”
“Great. Just what I needed to hear. I guess I owe her another
apology, then.” My head bowed in self-recrimination.
He shook his head. “No, I don’t believe that’s necessary, either. It
would only make you both feel worse. Just put the incident behind you and
move on. The less said the better. She cares about you a great deal, Tom.
Don’t hold this misstep against her.”
I grinned ruefully. “I wish I could, Chakotay, but I can’t. She’s
forgiven me time and time again. I should be able to forgive her once, right?”
“I hope so, Paris, for both of your sakes.” He patted my shoulder.
“By the way, Lieutenant, if you still insist on reporting for duty, you’d
better get a move on. You’ve only got twenty minutes.”
“Damn!” I leapt to my feet. “Excuse me, Commander.” I dashed into
the bathroom. *Twenty minutes! Damn!*

Two weeks went by, and I resumed my full duties at conn. The night-
mares were beginning to ease, but maybe I was simply getting used to them. I
continued my little sessions with Chakotay, and I still ate with my friends.
However, there was a noticeable amount of tension between Cait and myself.
Sure, we joked and talked, but with Harry and B’Elanna, not between ourselves
like we used to do. To be honest, we hardly said two words to each other
beyond the normal daily pleasantries. For good or bad, a wall separated
us, now, and neither of us seemed to know quite how to breach it.
I wasn’t even sure I wanted it breached. Sure, I still loved her;
only now, I found it difficult to admit it openly. In spite of what she said,
I felt unworthy of her affection; she deserved someone better, someone
unscarred physically and emotionally. I tried to explain it to Chakotay, but
he only shook his head.
*`That’s a normal reaction, Paris. You’ll look at things differently
if you give yourself time and don’t set that attitude in stone. Allow yourself
to heal gradually. It will take a while, but it will happen if you let it.’
Yeah, time. I’ve got all the time in the world now, Commander. My life is
once again going nowhere fast.*
By the end of the fourth week, a deserted class-M planet had been
discovered, and Cait, Chakotay, and Neelix beamed down to see what they could
find food and resource-wise. It turned out to be a waste of time. Still, the
survey took a while, and she and the Commander didn’t get back on board until
after dinner, Neelix having beamed back earlier to prepare the crew’s supper.
I, on the other hand, had the luxury of grabbing an early repasse that
day, in order to spend some time after dinner on the holodeck working on my
truck. I hadn’t touched her in weeks and possessed the overwhelming desire to
feel motor oil and grease on my hands.
I estimate I had been working on it for about thirty minutes when I
heard the holodeck doors open. Sliding out from beneath the truck, I found
Cait standing above me.
“Hi.”
“Hello, yourself. Is there something in particular I can help you
with?” I stared up at her, feeling a wave of anxiety wash over me.
“No, um, but I was thinking maybe I could lend you a hand. You know,
pass you a phaserwelder or a laser clamp or something.”
I chuckled. “I’m only using twentieth century tools, kiddo. Why do
you think it’s taking me so long? Try a wrench or a blow torch.”
“Yeah, whatever. Can I help?”
“Not really, but thanks for the offer.” I started to slide back under.
“Oh.”
The disappointment in her voice was unmistakeable. *Thomas, you
idiot. * I slid back out. “Well, on second thought, maybe you can. But
first, you’ll need a pair of coveralls. Computer, one pair of grey coveralls,
women’s medium.”
“Large,” Cait corrected. “I like the freedom of movement.”
“Ok, large.”
She slipped them on as soon as they materialized on the rack. They
were quite baggy, concealing her trim figure, except for small hints here
and there.
Standing up, I stared at her. The short hair, the coveralls.
Somewhere. She looked so familiar. Then, it hit me. Nah, it couldn’t be.
“Cait, were you ever at Starbase two-nine-zero?”
“Sure. Lots of times. Why?”
“Frequent any bars there?”
“Yeah. Muldoon’s. It was owned by an ex-freighter captain, a friend
of my father’s. But how did you know?”
I started to laugh. It was all so silly; Fate and its twisted sense
of humor. “One night, years ago, you helped an ensign, down to his last twenty
credits, win a game of pool and then, you bought him a drink.”
The green eyes twinkled mischievously. “I’ve bought lots of men
drinks, Paris.”
“I know, but try to remember. This cocky s.o.b. was playing a
Tellarite and had to make a nearly impossible shot to retain his uniform. You
gave him a silent hint on his set-up, and he won. Afterwards, just before you
left, you slid him a credit for an ale.”
Cait paused thoughtfully. “That sounds vaguely familiar. Gods, the
last time I was at Muldoon’s was about six months before my dad was captured.
There was a Fleet ship at the station, Nebula class, I think.”
“The Exeter.” I nodded, watching her eyes widen. “I was that ensign,
Cait. Ever since you cut you hair, I’ve been trying to figure out who you
reminded me of, but it wasn’t until you put the coveralls on that everything
fell into place. I can recall wondering what you would look like with long
hair.” My gaze fell briefly to the ground. “I can, ah, also recall wondering
what you would be like in bed.”
She glanced away nervously. “I guess you found out the answers to both
of those questions.”
“Yeah, I guess I did. I was right about both, too.” I chuckled
sadly, fingering the short layers. “I wish you would grow it out again.”
Self-consciously, Cait touched her hair. “Maybe I will. I have been
thinking about it.”
“Good. I’m glad. I can think of several male crewmembers you’ll have
to fight off when you do.”
“Including you?” One eyebrow raised hopefully.
I shook my head in genuine regret. “I wish I could, Cait. Really
I do, but I can’t. I’m sorry. I’ll be your friend, but nothing more.”
Nodding, she extended her hand. “I understand. Friends?”
“Always and forever,” I pledged, shaking the hand firmly.

The next evening, Cait showed up for dinner with her newly accelerated
hair in a ponytail. She looked lovely.